Author Topic: suddenly and totally unexpected  (Read 66530 times)

to young to be a widow

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suddenly and totally unexpected
« on: May 17, 2010, 05:03:28 PM »
on may 8th 2010, i lost my wonderful husband of 24 years--this was totally unexpected and sudden. the dr. said it was a massive heart attack--however he did not have any symptoms of a heart attack that morning--he just said he couldn't catch his breath and thought he was hyperventalating--when we asked him if he was in pain he stated no and this is why it is so hard for me to accept this--he was gone before the ambulance even arrived it was within 5 minutes--my life has been turned upside down--we did everything together and i do mean everything--the only time we were apart was when we were at work or he had one of his meetings for church or the legion--i am totaly alone now--the only child we were able to have in this world died 2 hours after his birth--my friends are already avoiding me since i am no longer the happy-go-lucky person i used to be due to lose of my husband--he was my true love and soul mate forever and i really dont think i can go on with out him by my side.
In memory of my loving husband Fred 4-28-62--5-8-2010

leo

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Re: suddenly and totally unexpected
« Reply #1 on: May 17, 2010, 05:49:20 PM »
Hello too young to be a widow,
Your story is heart breaking and I am so very sorry for your loss...it is so hard to know what to say since any words seem meaningless...I know all too well the raw, numb feeling, the agony and immeasurable pain...the inability to accept the reality of the situation...just 66 days ago I lost the love of my life, my best friend and darling wife of almost 33 wonderful years...we did everything together...just being together was enough for us...no matter what we were doing it was that we had each other...I do not know how I can go on...my whole life has been taken and shattered...the last 3-4 days have been extremely trying...so much crying that it hurts...I do work in the beautiful gardens that she has nurtured over the years...she was a beautiful, kind and caring person...I write a lot here...no close friends or family...I stay to myself almost all of the time...it is a stark, bleak existence and I do not like it at all...all sorts of thoughts are constantly whirling through my mind...none of us have had a choice in the matter...these horrendous situations have been thrust upon us...none of these make any sense...they just happen...no fairness involved...
I hope in time that you have some inner peace and I wish you well...
Leo

Terry

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Re: suddenly and totally unexpected
« Reply #2 on: May 17, 2010, 05:55:09 PM »
I'm so deeply sorry you are having to live without your husband. The shock, and not just to the body but emotionally when losing someone suddenly is difficult to cope with.

Please try and take care of yourself the best you can, resting if you can't sleep, and eating; and if not regular meals, snacking often when you're able.

Do you have a support group at your church? Take advantage of every resource available to you right now.

Don't worry about your friends because in time you'll come to find out who they really are, and you will make new friends along this journey. A journey that I'm so sorry you have to travel.

Please come often and tell us more about your husband and how 'you' are doing. WebHealing is a safe place to come to share all of your feelings where everyone will listen with an open heart. We all understand the pain from losing someone we love so dearly. The pain of separation, the loneliness and the fear.

Just remember, even though it may feel like it a lot of the time that you are not alone. You are never alone. We care, very much.

I'm sending you a big hug and all of my love...((((((( too young )))))))
Take care,
Terry

closs86

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Re: suddenly and totally unexpected
« Reply #3 on: May 17, 2010, 08:33:12 PM »
Hi terry,
    I am so sorry for your sudden loss, I know what pain your heart is in, it is  indescribable, it takes your breathe away, I also lost my husband in 3 weeks from diagnosis to gone, on April 6, I am still pretty numb and really do not want to accept the fact that I will never see him again, I just can't believe that.  Try to reach out to your friends, sometime they don't know what to say to you and are afraid they will say the wrong thing so they avoid you, but you have to reach out to them, call them, ask them for their help and company if you want it.  I found it good for me to push myself out of the house as much as I can,  and I went back to work already, because I can't sit in the house it is not good for me.
    I wish you peace, keep coming here and it does help to pour your heart out.
God Bless
Karen

angel1963

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Re: suddenly and totally unexpected
« Reply #4 on: May 17, 2010, 11:25:31 PM »
I have not been to this site for over 10 years.  Before that, I had lost 2 men, both, were my future, one at 20...and again..at 33...Both, I lost, in an 'instant' the first one, was a car accident...and it left me so angry..we were both so young and our futures..looked so full.  The second..I opened my heart up..after being so cold for so long..and his loss, left me devastated...I had loved him for 8 years, and we had talked of our future, and then he was gone!  With a phone call from his mother, I heard he was dead.  I totally broke down..but like you...friends we had..stopped calling, stopped looking at me!  Even my family didn't know how to react. 

I was alone..literally...for 2 years..before I realized I would need help to get through this.  I went to a grief counsellor.  She helped me to see, how others around us, feel helpless, they think they need to say something...they don't realize..that all we need is for them to 'stay'! 

I finally found the courage, to talk to a few of my friends, that I wanted to keep.  Explained that I needed them.  That they didn't have to say anything, but to just be there. 

It helped, a little, but it will take time.  Those that aren't strong enough will pull away.  They feel helpless.  Those that are stronger, will stay, but may be harsh and say things like "get over it" too soon...you NEVER get over it..you learn to live your life..differently. 
If you ever need to chat, please email newbielink:mailto:[email protected] [nonactive] will try to help. 

leo

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Re: suddenly and totally unexpected
« Reply #5 on: May 18, 2010, 05:52:40 AM »
Hello Angel1963,
Just read your tragic story and the sadness that came into your life...I am so sorry for your losses and that you had to go through those horrible experiences...today is 67 days since I lost my best friend and dear wife of almost 33 years...I lower my head in anguish at the very thought of my loss...I have many "friends" who mostly seem to say the wrong things...a few weeks back one said "she's gone and you can't bring her back...you have to get on with your life...you can't stay in your house all the time "...I used to be outgoing and now I shy away from everyone, fearing more insensitive replies...I am alone...no close friends or family...I still keep my phone turned off...so many people calling...many others showing up at the house unexpectedly...I felt that they were all over me...I had to tell all to email me and let me know if they wanted to come over...I feel that many think that I am taking too long to "recover"...they do not realize that there is no time line...I know that my wonderful, beautiful life is over since the love of my life departed...I agonize every minute of each day without her...she is my whole life...the thought of her being gone torments me something awful...there does not seem to be any justice...these seem to be chance occurrences that are part of life and we are the unfortunate ones...
Again I am sorry for your losses...do not know what else to say...
Leo

to young to be a widow

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Re: suddenly and totally unexpected
« Reply #6 on: May 18, 2010, 11:23:58 AM »
i am truely sorry for all of your lost loved ones--the pain we all share is so unbearable and we who suffer with this are the only ones who really understand what we are going through--my pain is so deep i cannot bear to be with out my husband--i cry all the time wishing he was still here with me--i stll cannot eat or sleep or even crawl into our bed that we shared.  i had to go back to work today and it was not easy since i work in a customer service occupation--it is so hard to deal with people that do not know how you are feeling and as to why you do not want to smile--i miss my wonderful husband dearly and i will never get over losing him so suddenly with no warning
In memory of my loving husband Fred 4-28-62--5-8-2010

closs86

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Re: suddenly and totally unexpected
« Reply #7 on: May 18, 2010, 08:54:14 PM »
Hi
   You are right we will never get over the loss of our loved ones,the past 2 days for me were terrible, I feel all wound up, I also am so sorry that we are all suffering like this, I don't understand, but I guess we are not supposed to.  Like you said, all I know is i miss my husband terribly, and each day is a chore for me to get through.
Take care
Karen

jaxsaint

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Re: suddenly and totally unexpected
« Reply #8 on: May 19, 2010, 11:13:04 AM »
Hi
I'm sorry for your loss. 
I also lost my husband suddenly.  I am 31, my husband was 44.  We were just married this New Year.  My husband and I lived together and worked together.  He had taken the day off to go for medical tests (he battled cancer for the last 24 years), he came home and did the laundry, made the bed, and was picking up something to make for diner (he loved cooking).  As he was crossing the street a drunk driver struck him down and left him in the street to die.
In one instant my entire life was taken away.  We had just started to discuss a child.  I went from the happiest I have ever been to more dispair than anyone should ever have to feel.  I fluctuate between numbness and indescribable pain.  Today makes two months and I still can't accept that he isn't coming home.
I hope you're able to find some peace.

to young to be a widow

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Re: suddenly and totally unexpected
« Reply #9 on: May 19, 2010, 05:10:00 PM »
i am also sorry for your lose,

my wonderful husband and i were married for 24 wonderful years this coming june--we did everything together--we are both 48 years old--and i miss him terribly-- i dont eat and i dont sleep--just going to the mailbox now is such a chore since we would walk thier together or even to the store--i am in so much pain right now i cant even think straight anymore.  i am so numb and now that my friends are avoiding me that doenst help matters either. i have brothers and sisters but they live over 5 hours away and have their own families to attend to--i am truely alone now since we have no living children
In memory of my loving husband Fred 4-28-62--5-8-2010

leo

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Re: suddenly and totally unexpected
« Reply #10 on: May 19, 2010, 08:19:43 PM »
Hello too young to be a widow,
I am sorry for your anguish and pain...there are no words that I can say now to ease your situation...I am not sure if I can try hard enough in my situation but I have to try for what it is worth...I think that it will be a considerable time before any of us will find some semblance of peace...there are only a few choices that are available to us...try or give up...my wife would not want me to give up...some of her last words to me ( I am crying so hard now ) were you will be OK...sometimes I really do not want to be OK...I do not want to be around...but I know that I would disappoint her terribly and I love her as much in death as I did when she was here...I really do not want  to disappoint her...it would not make much of a difference if I was not here but she would not like to hear me say that...she told me not to think like that before she left me....so I will try because I love her very, very much...I am at 68 days since the loss of my wife...I am still so numb and anguishing...everything seems worse to me...I hate turning the last light off at night...cry myself to sleep...do not know where all will end up...my eating and sleep have been a little better...I get so angry and wonder why this happened to me...why to anyone here...there is no answer...no justice...it was thrust upon all here and now we have to find some way to ease the pain...I have many friends in my area but only a couple who understand...her partner was the victim of a hit and run in front of their house...
So much sadness and pain...
Try to take care of yourself and ask what your love would want you to do...
Leo

closs86

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Re: suddenly and totally unexpected
« Reply #11 on: May 19, 2010, 08:44:03 PM »
Hi
  I understand the numb feeling and the pain and confusion, as I am experiencing the same thing, some days I think I am going crazy, I just feel so mixed up. At times I find it hard to remember things,  my emotions are truly like a roller coaster, never know how I will feel when I wake up. 
   I also find it hard to do things without him, but I am trying to push myself, or I don't know what will happen, try to push yourself to do things, even if you really don't want to, you can't stay home all the time it is not good.
   Take care
  Karen

to young to be a widow

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Re: suddenly and totally unexpected
« Reply #12 on: May 20, 2010, 02:09:11 PM »
i can t stop thinking that if i would have stayed by my husband's side, holding him and telling him how much i loved him he would still be here with me--but instead i was hysterical and needed treatment myself so they could calm me down--they should have let me stay where i needed to be with him when he needed me the most--i put this blame on myself just because i love him so much and i cannot bear to be without him--i wish there was away we could find the answers we need since my wonderful husband fred wasnt sick--there were no signs of this at all--except that he wasnt eating the way he normally did 2 days before died and just stated that he really wasnt hungry as to which one really doesnt assoicate with any major health factors except the flu or a cold coming on--he was active and outgoing and that is why i dont understand why god took him from me--we had so many plans for our future and we werent even home when he died we traveled across state to attend a weddingand now he is gone--my heart has been broken into a million pieces and it will never be mended--people say it takes time but mine will never heal
In memory of my loving husband Fred 4-28-62--5-8-2010

leo

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Re: suddenly and totally unexpected
« Reply #13 on: May 20, 2010, 05:52:13 PM »
Hello too young to be a widow,
I am sorry that you are experiencing such pain and sorrow for the recent loss of your husband just 12 days ago...it makes my heart so heavy to see and read about all these uncalled for tragedies...good peoples lives so harshly and abruptly interrupted...there is no sense to any of these situations...it has been 69 days since my dear wife has been gone and I am in such agony and sadness that sometimes I feel that I can not bear any more...can not go on any more...I too have tried to go back and analyze my situation...thinking maybe I could have done something differently and maybe things would have turned out better...but these are all imponderables and no matter how much I go back I will never know...so I try not to do that to myself too much ( I still do it occasionally ) because I will never know the answer...I try to be kind to myself because there is not much else...the love of my life for almost 33 beautiful years is gone...gone...I never thought that there was this horrible side of life...for loving and being so much a part of another beautiful person's life we pay an equal price in sorrow and pain when we lose them...
There are so many posts on this site alone and hundreds of different words that we all use...but the pain still resides within all of us and unfortunately will likely be there for years...I do not know where I am going...I have no purpose...I am just someone among many with half a heart...I just try and get through each day, all though many times I do not see the point...
I am sorry that my message is so gloomy but that is how I feel in my half of a heart...
Leo

to young to be a widow

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Re: suddenly and totally unexpected
« Reply #14 on: May 20, 2010, 06:50:33 PM »
leo,
i am so sorry to hear about your wife--she sounds like she was a beautiful woman inside and out just like my husband was--he was a man who would still open doors for me--walk by my side to assure i wouldnt fall down--drop me off by the door --he was my world and it so hard to be with out him--i am still waiting for him to come through the door and say honey i'm home like he did every day--this pain is so unbearable and we are the only ones that know what we are going through--i had to go back to work and i wasnt ready--i see a lot of friends of freds in my line of work and all i can do is cry some will say a few words while the rest run in the other direction to stay clear of me--and yes somedays it is so hard to get through this--its nice to hear that you continue to work in her gardens and hopefully you can feel her presence near you while you work in them.
In memory of my loving husband Fred 4-28-62--5-8-2010