Author Topic: suddenly and totally unexpected  (Read 65747 times)

leo

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Re: suddenly and totally unexpected
« Reply #45 on: May 27, 2010, 11:54:18 AM »
Hello Penny,

It makes me so sad to read about the pain and sorrow that you are experiencing...I can sympathize with all the sorrow that you are indicating...so much of what you are relating is how I feel now on day 76 since I lost my darling wife...I have the crying that happens so much...all the reminders around the house..from many of the good times and some from the last several weeks of her illness...there is some joy but at this point mostly extreme sorrow in my heart always...we thought we were doing everything right...she was never sick or even worn out before this disease...I am forcing myself to try and keep busy...it is a little bit of a distraction...not much...my head still feels numb...Ii miss her so much and can not stand being without her...I still avoid other people as it usually is another " couple " that I would have to do something with like dinner or walking...I keep my phone off...it is not a life...I am just existing for no purpose...I do not know what else to relate...I am just very sorry that all here are going through these horrible experiences...all the why questions are to no avail...I do it so much myself and never can find any answers...it seems that all of us have to drift in this sea of remorse until we happen upon a person, place or thing that offers some refuge ...who knows how long we will have to drift...
Try to be kind to yourself...

Leo

leo

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Re: suddenly and totally unexpected
« Reply #46 on: May 27, 2010, 07:38:55 PM »
Hello Penny,
Hope you are OK...just wanted to give you a link that I posted in my section,,,it has some photos of some of the flowers from my wife's garden...she loved to work in the garden and we spent a lot of time there...
wishing you well...

Leo

http://www.photoshop.com/user/fiorigiardino/?rlang=en_US&wf=shareslideshow&galleryid=cf8011b0be9643c7b58568f780920519&trackingid=BTAGC

to young to be a widow

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Re: suddenly and totally unexpected
« Reply #47 on: May 28, 2010, 01:08:36 AM »
leo,

your wife has some beautiful flowers--i could never grow flowers or plants i have a brown thumb--i am just so lonely without fred--we had plans for this weekend and now there are no plans to follow through on--my heart hurts all the time--continue to cry all the time--and no support system for me to express what i am feeling expect on this website--i could write a book everytime i post something but the tears well up eyes so bad i can barely see sometimes.
In memory of my loving husband Fred 4-28-62--5-8-2010

leo

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Re: suddenly and totally unexpected
« Reply #48 on: May 28, 2010, 04:28:46 AM »
Hello Penny,

 I am glad you like the flowers...I too am going through such devastating pains and sorrow...still can't believe my wife is not here...I do not know what I am going to do...our wonderful life is gone forever...I am just floating in such a void...
I come here and write often...write as much as you want...time is the one thing that I have and we all care here and listen...no one should have to experience such sadness...I am sorry for your loss...we are all in such difficult and trying situations...
wishing you some kind of peace...

Leo

to young to be a widow

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Re: suddenly and totally unexpected
« Reply #49 on: May 28, 2010, 04:43:16 PM »
Leo,

thank you for your kind words--and i know the void you are feeling about the loss of your wife--i am still numb and in shock with fred's death being so unexpected--i wasnt prepared this at all--my heart just aches--i dont like being here alone--this world can be so cruel by taking our loved ones away from us--i am not looking forward to this weekend at all-- there was so much fred and i were going to do this weekend and now there is nothing--every memorial day we always went for a ride on the harley after fred was done going to the cemetaires with the legion to honor the veterns.  I miss him so much and i am barely coping to get through this traumatic event that happened--everything is such a chore for me now it takes me forever to get anything done. tomorrow will be 21 days that he will be gone and i still keep going over and over that morning in my head.
In memory of my loving husband Fred 4-28-62--5-8-2010

closs86

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Re: suddenly and totally unexpected
« Reply #50 on: May 28, 2010, 09:34:49 PM »
Hi
  This is a hard weekend, everyone is off, and everyone is out and together with their partners, I am just going to stay around the house, maybe my son and his family will come over, I am not sure, but I don;t want to go anywhere where everyone is having fun. It just isn't fair, we are miserable,  I have true heart ache tonight literally.  I am so sad for all of us, so terrible to be alone,  half of us is missing, and will never return so we are half of what we were.
Well have a decent day tomorrow,
Take care
Karen

to young to be a widow

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Re: suddenly and totally unexpected
« Reply #51 on: May 29, 2010, 03:11:17 PM »
today is 3 weeks since i have been able to hold, talk and be a companion to my wonderful husband--i miss him so much my heart is in so much pain and there is no one here for me--the house is empty and too queit--i put the tv on for noise but have no idea what is on. i just keep thinking about my wonderful fred and as to what went wrong that day--i got the emergency report in the mail today per my request and i wish i could understand some of the words they used--but from what i could gather the shock treatment machine wasnt used--which i dont understand as to why they wouldnt have used it
i am so miserable without him part of me is missing and it is hard to continue on without him--i miss his smile, his scent everything--fred was my world and my shining star all we needed was each other--yes there have been times that i thought of taking my own life to be with him--but then i think of our dogs and what would happen to them--they are what is keeping me going right now--i am in so much pain there is such a big hole in my heart--i still cry all the time and i really am hating saturdays now
my co-workers are tired of me breaking down all the time and dont understand why i cant stay focused on the job. i tried to explain that i will be an emotional rollercoaster for a long time and that they will need to bear with me on this but they just walk away and shake their heads--i even asked one of my co-workers if they knew what it was like to have their heart ripped right out their chest and never have it put back in and then i was told "well i dont want to walk in your shoes."
i am still numb and not able to face the reality that he is not coming home--i just miss him so much and i want him  back  
« Last Edit: May 29, 2010, 03:13:32 PM by to young to be a widow »
In memory of my loving husband Fred 4-28-62--5-8-2010

leo

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Re: suddenly and totally unexpected
« Reply #52 on: May 29, 2010, 04:54:42 PM »
Hello Penny,

The power went off for the second time today and I lost the whole post that I was writing to you...so I am starting over...I am so sad to read how your day is going without your dear Fred...so much of what you are relating is what I am feeling all the time...today is 78 days without my dear wife...I do not see myself getting any better...still avoid friends because of things that they say like: she is in a better place...or god needed her now ( I beg to differ we needed each other now...where is the logic in inflicting horrible disease and death on such a good person) or it was her time or more good people are needed wherever...all of these things are meant to placate the living...I never want to offend any one with what I say...these things are my opinions and we should respect the opinions of another ...many people knowingly or unknowingly are unwilling to respect how someone else feels...that's life...
Today I am home alone...with TV turned on to break the haunting silence...I went to the store in the pouring rain just to get out ...there were quite a few people out despite the heavy down pour and thundering...very gloomy day weather wise to complement my mental state...
I sympathize with you so much and am sad at the pain that you are experiencing with your loss...I do not know what else to say...

Leo

closs86

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Re: suddenly and totally unexpected
« Reply #53 on: May 29, 2010, 10:51:46 PM »
Hi to young to be a widow,
       It is so scary to me but everyword that you said in your last post is exactly what I feel, even the dogs, I want to be with him also, and I have thought about it many times to, Where do we go from here, I just don't know
Hugs
Karen

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Re: suddenly and totally unexpected
« Reply #54 on: May 30, 2010, 03:55:45 AM »
another lonely day to struggle through--this pain is deep and no one to help me through this--i still cant go in our bed--i miss fred so much--without him i have no purpose in this life--everything is such a chore without him--i need him in my life--every where i turn i look for him but he is not there--i tried talking to friend or so i thought they were yesterday but i got the same reply that i need to move on but i dont want too--there is much hurt in my heart and i just cant cope anymore--this weekend has been really tough seeing so many happy people enjoying there weekend--i hear motorcycles go by and i just break down all over again--it wasnt suppose to be like this--my fred needs to be here with me
In memory of my loving husband Fred 4-28-62--5-8-2010

leo

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Re: suddenly and totally unexpected
« Reply #55 on: May 30, 2010, 02:16:25 PM »
Hello Penny,

I hear what you are saying and I am so sorry for all that you have been through...what you say mirrors so much of what I am going through as I try to  make it through this weekend...it is raining hard and some thunder is mixed in...I did get outside for 2-3 hours today...I have to keep very busy otherwise I go completely off the deep end...even then I am very close to it...I do not know what to tell you...I do not know what to tell myself...we are in this twilight zone and I guess we will wander for who knows how long...I am just trying to make it through today...there are many festivities around my area but I have absolutely no interest in any sort of participation...I am not looking for any one to suggest any thing to me...I have to find my own way although there are some people that persist, whether they realize it or not, and try to say what THEY think is right for me...I just turn them off and minimize contact...

wishing you better days...

Leo

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Re: suddenly and totally unexpected
« Reply #56 on: May 30, 2010, 03:26:05 PM »
karen and leo,

this pain we all share is so tormenting--and only we know this pain--i dont think there is anything one can say or do to make this go away--i try to keep myself busy but i have no enegry to do anything--the house needs cleaning but all i really do is stare at the walls--tv can be on but i have no idea what is on--its mainly to silence this silence--this weekend has been rough--and tomorrow will be worse--the tears dont stop and there is no way to control them
In memory of my loving husband Fred 4-28-62--5-8-2010

barbp

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Re: suddenly and totally unexpected
« Reply #57 on: May 30, 2010, 05:22:25 PM »
I read all your posts and I don't really have anything to add, all I feel has been expressed.

I leave the house and go to the store just so I am not home alone. Once in the store I stand there and cry because I see all the foods Jeff and I would buy for our meals. I still have the text messages from the last shopping list he sent me for the shrimp stir fry he had planned to make the day he died. I can't cook. I haven't cooked a real meal in the seven weeks since Jeff died. I either eat out very cheaply (I get 50% the meals at the restaurant that is attached to the hotel where I work) or I buy microwave meals.

I still need to clean the carpet from when the EMTs, police and medical examiner all were in my house the day Jeff died, but I can't bring myself to do anything. I have moved the furniture in the bedroom twice now (I think the newest configuration is the best) because I cannot bare being in there the way it was when Jeff died. I have a hard time even stepping in front of the closet because that is where I dragged Jeff's body from the bed when the 911 operator asked me to put him on the floor and to start chest compressions. When I step there I feel I am violating sacred ground. I know I am being irrational, but I can't help the thoughts creeping in anyways. I can't stand being alone, but then I can't be around people either.


Hugs to all of us!

Barb
In loving memory of Jeff 2/18/57 - 4/10/10

closs86

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Re: suddenly and totally unexpected
« Reply #58 on: May 30, 2010, 06:46:55 PM »
Hi everyone
     This is a tough weekend, I to go into a store and just walk around, just to do something, my mind is not there, I am just wandering, I do that most of the time, just to get out of the house,  Today I tried to keep myself very busy,  I knew that if I didn't I would get crazy, so I pushed myself to just get out.
      Life is so different, for all of us, I wake up and go to sleep myself, something that I never did, I wander through the days alone, also something that we always did together, he retired pretty young he was only 52, so we were always together, and enjoyed it, even if we weren't doing anything, we didn't need to.
      I miss him every minute, but I know that he is with me all the time, and he wants me to be strong, so I am trying.
Take Care
Karen

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Re: suddenly and totally unexpected
« Reply #59 on: May 30, 2010, 06:47:15 PM »
barb,

i do know the feeling of not wanting to be around people--and i dont like being alone either--so i too am avoiding people--i told my supervisor that i did not want to work on the registers anymore because i cannot bare to talk to the customers and that it is so hard to be happy and upbeat while waiting on people as it is in our policy to do--i prefer to hide in the kitchen as to where they do not see me unless i have to take food out to the warming plate which sometimes is way to often--fred was always the outgoing and friendly person--as to where it took me a little while longer to open up to people--fred helped me change my life around after we started dating back on july 2, 1983--for i was going down the wrong path at that time--i can not get past the fact that he is gone--i just want to believe that this has been a horrible nightmare for the past 22 days.
In memory of my loving husband Fred 4-28-62--5-8-2010