Author Topic: suddenly and totally unexpected  (Read 65320 times)

to young to be a widow

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Re: suddenly and totally unexpected
« Reply #30 on: May 24, 2010, 04:25:27 AM »
karen,

i too had a bad day yesterday every day seems to be getting worse for me--i go to bed crying and wake up crying for the few hours i am able to get some sleep--i think about fred all day long and what we could have done differently that morning--i know i read leo's post on cardiac arrythmia but maybe if he would have come out of the bathroom sooner or called the ambulance sooner--if i stayed by his side holding him and telling him how much i loved him and couldn't be without him my beloved fred would still be here--the medical staff claimed they did everything they could but did they??  i went to the cemetary yesterday and stayed there for i dont know how long--i had to pull myself away--i was the one who was suppose to go first we had our lives planned out--he was the healthy one not me--we were to get old and gray hair together--yesterday we would have gone for a motorcycle ride after he got home from work--now i just get to hear the motorcyclist go by--anything and everything reminds me of all the things we did together--its 16 days now that he left me without warning--i am still in shock and numb--and i also do not want to go on any longer without him--he was my world and now there isnt anymore world for me

penny
« Last Edit: May 24, 2010, 04:43:25 AM by to young to be a widow »
In memory of my loving husband Fred 4-28-62--5-8-2010

to young to be a widow

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Re: suddenly and totally unexpected
« Reply #31 on: May 24, 2010, 08:48:46 AM »
i guess i want to know why God dealt me the unlucky hand in life--i always told fred if it wasnt for bad luck we would have no luck at all--but all that mattered was our love for each other--thats all we needed--it didnt matter if we were homeless--broke and bare backed--we had our love--i miss him so much and this pain i bear is so unbearable--God took our son on mar.7th 1988 just a couple of hours after his birth and now my wonderful loving husband on may 8th--it should have been me and not him--he was such a great man--he didnt deserve this--the 2 men i would have in my life are gone--and i am just barely coping to get through this--my heart aches--i cry all time it doesnt matter where i am i think of him all the time--i just wish i had the answers i seek to understand this better but i will never get these answers--they say god doesnt put us through things we cant handle but they are so wrong about that--its 16 days now since i have been able to hold him or talk to him--i can only talk to him in my mind--but he doesnt answer--i miss him so much--there is such a big hole in my heart that will never mend--its hard to come home to an empty house with no one to talk too--i have my dogs but they dont talk back to me
« Last Edit: May 24, 2010, 12:47:37 PM by to young to be a widow »
In memory of my loving husband Fred 4-28-62--5-8-2010

jaxsaint

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Re: suddenly and totally unexpected
« Reply #32 on: May 24, 2010, 02:17:39 PM »
I am also struggling to understand some of the cliches that people provide when something terrible happens.  I look at the world now, trying to find meaning, and come up with loss.  There are so many people in this world that contribute nothing, why take someone who made a difference?  Everyday I struggle with the idea of being given only what you can handle.  I think someone vastly overestimated my strength.  I often feel like it's my bad luck that attracted this tragedy.  I want to know what I did to deserve this because I know he didn't do anything to deserve this.  It had to be my dark cloud that got him.

I wish I knew what to say to make it better.  I talk to my husband every night, I write him letters whenever I can bare to take a pen to paper.  Sometimes it helps, sometimes I get frustrated that he doesn't respond.  John Lennon once sang, "Whatever gets you through the night."  Just getting through the night is something, even when the morrow brings pain freshly.  I hope one day all of us can wake up with a little less pain.

to young to be a widow

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Re: suddenly and totally unexpected
« Reply #33 on: May 24, 2010, 05:03:21 PM »
people say things and i dont think they know what they are saying--they dont know the pain we are going through--it is unbearable--i've been told i'm a strong woman-- stronger than what i think--but i am not strong and my heart just aches--i have started to keep a journal but it is not helping at the moment since i decided to start with the day fred died--and the events that happened that day with what i can remember--i tell fred i love him everyday all day long--i wish i could bring him back because i need him so much in my life.
In memory of my loving husband Fred 4-28-62--5-8-2010

closs86

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Re: suddenly and totally unexpected
« Reply #34 on: May 24, 2010, 09:39:00 PM »
Hi Penny
    everything you write, sounds like it is coming from me. I feel like I can't make it on my own either, I was home with my mom then I met Johnny and at 17 we eloped and that was the end of the story until now, So now what, I went to a bereavement group tonight, I don't know if it is going to do anything for me.  I will try again, give it a chance, but i don't know what it will do, they can't bring him back.  I also think about him all day from the minute i open my eyes until the minute I go to sleep,  I have his ashes right next to our bed, and pictures all over the bedroom, I was worn out today from the crazies that I got last night, used to much of my energy.  Nobody really does understand how we feel, unless they have lost there spouse,  and we really can't explain our feelings, because they are indescribable, like a roller coaster, the twisted stomach, the tight chest and throat, how do we make someone understand unless they have been through it.I know most people mean well, they just don't know what to say, so they say the wrong thing, they don;t even realize it. Well i better try to sleep, hopefully
Take care of yourself
Karen

to young to be a widow

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Re: suddenly and totally unexpected
« Reply #35 on: May 25, 2010, 01:21:40 AM »
it was another sleepless night again--so much pain in my heart--another day to struggle through without fred being here--this lonileness we all share and the emotions we cannot control--is just unbearable--i have to go to work today which i am not looking forward to--to many people to face again at one time
In memory of my loving husband Fred 4-28-62--5-8-2010

to young to be a widow

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Re: suddenly and totally unexpected
« Reply #36 on: May 25, 2010, 01:10:51 PM »
the work day is over--it was difficult to be there since i cried all day long while i was there--and i havent stopped crying--i miss fred so much and just want to know why this happened to such a good person--i see customers whispering about me to my co-workers which doesnt help--my heart hurts so much--God didn't need him--I need him--fred was always there for me--he took care of me and now he is gone--he never raised voice when he was angered or upset with someone--he just expressed his feelings to me as to who he was upset with--it was never me--we never fought--we had our disagreements but never raised our voices or swore at anybody--and now i am finding myself swearing all the time which i dont like doing--i dont swear at him just other obstacles that are confusing my life--so much torment and pain and nothing to look forward too--the end of June is our 24th wedding anniversary and no roses will be arrving from him--he always sent me a yellow, red and white rose--he never forgot to do this on our anniversary or my birthday and i did fro him in return for these 3 roses had a special meaning to us and forever will--our florist knew what we wanted as soon as we called and said who we were
In memory of my loving husband Fred 4-28-62--5-8-2010

closs86

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Re: suddenly and totally unexpected
« Reply #37 on: May 25, 2010, 04:09:23 PM »
Hi Penny,
    I am glad that you went to work today, as bad as it seemed you broke the ice, and now when you go in it won't be as bad as this time. I know that is what happened to me, the first time back was very very hard, then it got a little easier, I had a day that was actually productive for me, I don't know if I told you but I haven't driven in years, as Johnny always did the driving, but I do have a license, well today I got up and said to Johnny OK we have to do this, I need your help, I took his hat with me that I sleep with and put it beside me and just went, I was very proud of myself, and I told Johnny, you have to help me and he did, I drove around for a few hours, and came home, I know that he was with me, as was god, so I feel a little better about myself today.
     I went to a grief counseling meeting last night, it was OK, I am not sure if it is for me, but I will try, I will give it a chance, any help is welcomed.
    Well I will be  back later
    Take Care
   Karen

jaxsaint

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Re: suddenly and totally unexpected
« Reply #38 on: May 25, 2010, 08:22:43 PM »
Penny,

Going back to work is so hard.  My husband and I worked together.  I still expect to see him.  We were both history teachers in the same school.  The first day was one of the worst days I've ever experienced, and that's saying a lot.  I cried all day as I had to recount the events for all my classes.  I've been back at work now for three weeks.  Every day is difficult.  Sometimes the thoughts come and I start to shake.  I don't stay alone during my prep periods anymore.  The kids help.  They distract me as much as they can and when I need to cry they listen.  As hard as it is I hope you have people at work to help you.

Jackie

to young to be a widow

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Re: suddenly and totally unexpected
« Reply #39 on: May 26, 2010, 01:04:33 AM »
i've been back to work now for a week and it is so hard to face people--i dont have a support system at work all they want to do is talk about me and as to how sad i am all the time--i thought going back to work and staying busy would help me but it isnt--and i wonder did i make the right choice with going back to work so soon--even though i wasnt ready--but staying home wont get the bills paid--since it is only my income coming in now. it is also hard for me at work when it comes to the time that fred would stop in  before he would go to work to see how my day had been going so far and to see how i was feeling--i miss him coming into the store with his compassionate ear.

it was another sleepness night and i try to sleep but it just doesnt happen--i am finally able to keep some food down but not much.

take care
penny
In memory of my loving husband Fred 4-28-62--5-8-2010

leo

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Re: suddenly and totally unexpected
« Reply #40 on: May 26, 2010, 04:36:02 AM »
Hello Penny,
 I am so sorry that you are experiencing such a difficult time with work and your sadness...I can relate to what you say about facing people...when I am working outside I avoid people when I see them coming...I'll go to the other side of the house...I will try and go to the grocery store at odd hours so I lessen my chances of running into someone that I know...I wear the headset to my mp3 player and listen to my language podcasts all the time outside and when in stores...people are much less likely to say anything to me...I am growing to be accustomed to being by myself...I was always so outgoing and the one who started conversations...made people laugh...organized getting together...those things are long gone as I now trek through life alone and without my other half...I miss my wife so very much...I have so  many visions of her and I can hear her talk to me...I think that I will go crazy without her loving, caring, kind, wonderful self...
Wishing you a better day...

Leo

to young to be a widow

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Re: suddenly and totally unexpected
« Reply #41 on: May 26, 2010, 12:11:54 PM »
thanks leo,

it was another rough day to face people--they can just be cruel at times--it doesnt take much for my roller coaster emotions to flood just a simple word can do that to me--it is so hard to be here without fred--come home to an empty house except for our dogs but they cant talk to me or hold me they are what is keeping me going in this life right now if it wasnt for them i would probably be gone too--fred was such a giving man he also did all the planning for the gatherings or the trip making or whatever the case may have been--he was so outgoing and friendly anybody could tell him anything even strangers as to where i always found it hard to talk to someone i didnt know. i just miss him so much and i am just barely coping to get by each day

take care
penny
In memory of my loving husband Fred 4-28-62--5-8-2010

to young to be a widow

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Re: suddenly and totally unexpected
« Reply #42 on: May 26, 2010, 12:21:19 PM »
karen,

glad to hear that your driving went well for you--fred also drove us everywhere--unless we had to go our own separate ways for work.  glad to hear that you are going to continue going to your bereavement group--i other the hand will have to wait until stepember--since this small town i live in doesnt offer one until then--unless i wanted to travel several miles away which i dont--i like coming to this site and just being able to write on here and share what i am feeling even though it pains me daily to be here on this world with out fred.

penny
In memory of my loving husband Fred 4-28-62--5-8-2010

to young to be a widow

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Re: suddenly and totally unexpected
« Reply #43 on: May 26, 2010, 12:29:03 PM »
Jackie,

you have such a rewarding career at being a history teacher and it has to be hard since you and your husband both worked at the same school--i know the feeling of looking for our loved ones to come around the corner but they dont--its nice to hear you have the kids support you in your time of need--i wish i had the same but i dont i just get the stares from people and the whispering behind my back that they dont think i notice, but i do

penny
In memory of my loving husband Fred 4-28-62--5-8-2010

to young to be a widow

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Re: suddenly and totally unexpected
« Reply #44 on: May 27, 2010, 11:14:46 AM »
i hate this world--i want to be with fred so bad --i cant take this pain that is in my heart--i just dont understand why God had to take such a loving and caring man away--he was my everything--my life ended the day his did--i have nothing without him--i need answers if he would have been sick i could understand but he wasnt--he was healthy and strong--my heart aches all the time--the tears dont stop--i think about everything that could have been done differently that morning for fred to still be here--the days are not getting better they are only getting worse--i am so lonely without him we were so happy when we were together--i detest seeing other couples who are happy with this life and this hurts so much to see them smiling and laughing or just having good time together--when other people who are hurting so much in this world
« Last Edit: May 27, 2010, 11:23:44 AM by to young to be a widow »
In memory of my loving husband Fred 4-28-62--5-8-2010