Hello Jaxsaint,
I am so sorry you are hurting. When you were writing about losing the signs of having someone around, and how empty that feels, I could really identify with that. When my friend Mukul died, we had just spoken about our plans for me to move in with him for a few months so I could finish writing a book. He had a beautiful place on the ocean, with views on all four sides, and it was very peaceful. We were talking about what we were going to do to fix up my room at his house. Then he died unexpectedly and I am never going to see him or the inside of his house again. It's probably been sold by now by his relatives.
When Brett died, he had just written all over my facebook page, and he had just emailed me about our plans to attend our reunion together. We were both struggling with serious health problems so every other day or so I would get a call...it was just him checking up on me, did I need anything, etc.
All this to say the silence can indeed be deafening. Mukul was one of the smartest people I had ever met, and I loved bouncing ideas off of him. Brett was one of the most loving people I had ever met, and I so looked forward to the sweet things he would say and do. Both of them were very generous friends -- not talking money so much here, but emotional generosity.
One thing I've learned from all this is that I need what I call "2:00 a.m. friends", people I could call at 2:00 a.m. if I need them. I've lost three recently, and while they will never be totally replaced, I am touched by kindness from people I wouldn't have expected it from before. One friend of mine got really mad, for instance, that he didn't get a call when I had to go to the E.R. recently. Another friend who I did call that night showed up with a blanket and a toothbrush. One of my biggest fears is being really sick, and alone.
I wonder what it's like for you to reach out right now. It's very hard for me to reach out to new people when I am grieving big losses. What can be worse is suffering by myself.
Brett and I were drum majors of our high school band together. You wouldn't believe how many band members have found me on facebook since he died, including my best friend from high school who I hadn't heard from in over 20 years.
I am praying that for you, your loss brings to you all those who will appreciate having such a loving, devoted person as you for a friend. All of us want to leave this earthly life in the arms of the person who loves us the most. You gave that and so much more to your husband.
Kind regards,
Sara Ann