Author Topic: Where is justice?  (Read 34703 times)

leo

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • Posts: 250
    • View Profile
Re: Where is justice?
« Reply #30 on: June 03, 2010, 07:01:10 PM »
Hello Jackie,
I am so happy for you on your wonderful achievement...it sounds as if it all was very emotional for you...your husband would be so very proud of you... I hope your efforts continue along this wonderful road...hope that all else is going OK for you...
wishing you well...

Leo

leo

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • Posts: 250
    • View Profile
Re: Where is justice?
« Reply #31 on: June 06, 2010, 09:08:20 PM »
Hello Jackie,

I was thinking of you and just wondered if you were OK...I guess with school being over you have more " free time "...are you finding anything to help you during these troubled times? I hope so...I am trying to stay busy with projects and that seems to prevent my mind from multitasking too much...wishing you some better days in this time of coping with your tragic loss...

Leo

jaxsaint

  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • Posts: 83
    • View Profile
Re: Where is justice?
« Reply #32 on: June 11, 2010, 03:16:52 PM »
Hi Leo,

Thanks for the thoughts.  This has been such a crazy week I haven't had much time to visit.  I'm a bit overwhelmed.  All the legal and insurance matters, not knowing where my husband's family stands, and the end of school work had been exhusting.  I keep trying to put up a good show, but I feel so alone.  I miss him all the time and yet sometimes I'm angry with him for leaving me like this.  We never got settled.  We were settled in our love for one another, but not financially, not where paperwork is concerned.  I guess I'm lucky I paid the household bills, at least I know how.  I remember when my grandfather died 3 years ago and my grandmother didn't even know how to adjust the temperature of the house.  It's just too much.  How do they expect someone in pain, feeling like this, to complete anything?

Yet, I'm trying to live life the way my husband did.  "Go for it," he'd say.  So I've decided to trade our cars in for a convertible.  He loved convertibles.  He had an RX7 Mazda convertible when we started dating.  He kept the top down in February with the heat on!  It was held together by duct tape.  It's these memories that inform every desire that I have.  I want to do the things we never got to do.  I want to take pictures and send him letters. . .keep him alive.

Today the seniors received their yearbooks.  This years was dedicated to Joe.  I was lovingly harassed by them for signatures.  Joe and I shared many students over the years; they all knew we were engaged and then married.  Even some of Joe's students that we didn't have in common were asking.  One year book fell open to two pages dedicated to him.  I started crying in the middle of class.  I compose myself all day, every day.  I try to distract myself, limit my time of devestation so it doesn't get a hold of me.  I'm so afraid that if I don't stop my feeling I'll never be able to get back up.  Yet I feel guilty for feeling that way, part of me wants to fall to pieces.

Joe was the ultimate survivor, yet I don't always want to survive.  Everyone tells me he would be disappointed if I didn't, and I know that's true, but still I feel like the world should stop.  I'm torn between the Italian widow and the "triumphant surviver."  I just seem unable to reconcile the two.

Boy, I've been holding that in.  Thanks for listening.

Jackie

jaxsaint

  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • Posts: 83
    • View Profile
Re: Where is justice?
« Reply #33 on: June 12, 2010, 11:12:37 AM »
Hi All,

I could use some imput.  I've recently been concerned with the relationship I have with my in laws.  My brother in law wanted to be named co administrator of Joe's estate.  I've done so because they are all I have left of him since we had no children, and I'd like to maintain that connection.  However, I was very hurt by some comments and implications that were made in the conversation.  I sent an email to him today explaining the struggle I am going through without Joe, and that I was hurt by their idea that I might isolate them from any decisions that were made in the civil suit.  I told him that I hope he understands that we were each other's choice even though I only got a short time with him, and that my commitment was for our lifetime.  I am going to see them next Saturday.  Do you think I made a mistake sending that email?

Does anyone know anything about estate law?

Jackie

to young to be a widow

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 137
    • View Profile
Re: Where is justice?
« Reply #34 on: June 12, 2010, 11:23:47 AM »
hi jackie,

my personal opinion is no you did not make a mistake in sending that email--i am assuming that you are the main adminstrator for joe's estate--no i do not know anything about estate law either--but you have a right to state your views as to how wish to your in-laws--and you need to keep reminding them that you want to keep the connections with joe's family open.

i wish you luck with this

penny
In memory of my loving husband Fred 4-28-62--5-8-2010

closs86

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 231
    • View Profile
Re: Where is justice?
« Reply #35 on: June 12, 2010, 09:55:03 PM »
Hi Jackie,
   I don't think that you did anything wrong,  don't give to much power to anyone, you should be in charge of the estate. sometimes people get funny when it comes to money or things, just be careful,
Good Luck
Karen

poppy

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 38
    • View Profile
Re: Where is justice?
« Reply #36 on: June 12, 2010, 10:34:58 PM »
Hi,

I am a teacher also. I completely understand about how hard it is to go back to school. I know it was what I needed to do but it was torture having to go back and face everything. My husband had just retired from teaching and we worked for different districts. I can't imaging having to go to the same school you had both worked at. Part of my problem is everyone trying to be so nice in some ways makes it harder for me. And the kids telling me he will always be in my heart. I love them but it is sooo hard. I have to believe that he is waiting for me and that we will be together again.

I will pray for you, Poppy

jaxsaint

  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • Posts: 83
    • View Profile
Re: Where is justice?
« Reply #37 on: June 14, 2010, 03:10:38 PM »
Hi Poppy,

Going back to our school was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do, although that seems to be the norm lately.  One hard thing after another.  Most people at work have been very nice, but isolate myself to our friends.  They make me laugh.  The students were wonderful, but they are who they are, and teenagers keep you busy.  Today was the last day of classes.  It's the day we all look forward to.  Time for freedom.  Now I have nothing to look forward to.  He would have been so happy today.  The beginning of summer.  I've been in tears or on the verge of tears all day.

This time of year was also personal for us.  We started dating on the last day of class.  Every year I celebrated with champagne, I invited him over.  We'd never been a part since.  The date was June 13 (we were going to have a wedding on Aug 13).  Joe forgot our first anniversary.  He argued that our anniversary was the last day of classes, it didn't matter what date that was.  He was some piece of work.  I loved every second, just to observe his thinking.

I went to the cemetery yesterday to drink champagne with him.  Some friends came with me.  Then I went to a concert with friends.  For the first time, in what seems like forever, I felt him.  I saw signs.  I can't believe he isn't here today.  I don't see a way out of this pain.

I hope the end of work is better for you.

 

closs86

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 231
    • View Profile
Re: Where is justice?
« Reply #38 on: June 14, 2010, 08:23:38 PM »
Hi Jackie,
    I am happy that you had your glass of champagne with your love, and happy that you felt him, he will be back, I am sure of it, just keep asking him to come back.  Do you have any plan for your summer now that school is over,. it is hard to stay home and be alone, we are not used to it, try to find things to keep busy.  Maybe even volunteer 1 or 2 days a week, we have to keep trying, it is so scary.
Take care
karen

jaxsaint

  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • Posts: 83
    • View Profile
Re: Where is justice?
« Reply #39 on: June 16, 2010, 01:04:11 PM »
I'm lost.  Last night I was on the phone with my 82 year old grandmother until midnight.  My grandfather passed away 3 years ago this August.  She is still in extreme pain.  The lonliness.  The loss of your routine.  I understand her better now that I'm a widow too.  I describe myself as such to try and force myself to believe it.  Yesterday the clerk at the store proofed me when I bought cigarettes and beer.  He was shocked to see I'm 31, he thought 21.  I wasn't angry, but I told him "that's funny, I'm a widow."  It doesn't feel natural to be a widow at such a young age.  As a historian I know that it was always very normal, but with the ever maturing medical technology it seemed like a thing of the past.  I looked forward to growing old with Joe.  I had that image of two old people reading the newspaper.  Sometimes I'm envious of those who got to grow old together, those who were able to raise a child together.  I wish I was 82.  It wouldn't be long until I could see Joe again.  I know the "grass always looks greener" cliche‘,  but I feel so cheated.  I was 28 when Joe and I started dating.  I'd dated a lot before him.  He was the right man for me.  I felt so complete.  I was happier than ever.  Why were we jipped? 
There are so many things I want to do to honor him, but at the same time I have to be realistic.  I am going to get the car, but there is so much more.  I want to read.  Everything with Joe was books!  I've around 2,000 books.  He read almost all of them.  He carried around a black book to keep lists of books he loved and those he wanted to read.  I want to read them all, but I don't know where to start.  I want something sad, something to purge me.  I want to write a book.  Joe had a "manuscript" and I want to add our story to it, but the memories are hard.  I want to go to Africa.  That's where he said was the one place he would go if he knew it was the last.  What's yours?
I hope I can do these things for him, but I'm also afraid to fail him.
Jackie

closs86

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 231
    • View Profile
Re: Where is justice?
« Reply #40 on: June 16, 2010, 07:58:25 PM »
Hi Jackie,
     That is a great idea, you should write your story and add it to his manuscript,  wow he loved to read 2000 books and lists,  that is so nice, I wish that I could read more, I just don't have the time, but I might be able to read more now, when Johnny was here we were always doing things, now all i have is time. so sad, I miss him so so much,
 Good Night
Karen

to young to be a widow

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 137
    • View Profile
Re: Where is justice?
« Reply #41 on: June 17, 2010, 11:04:29 AM »
Jackie,

I agree with karen you should finish your story and maybe some day try to publish it--that is a lot of books to read--i couldnt even come close to that even if i had the strength to even try to get close to that number

penny
In memory of my loving husband Fred 4-28-62--5-8-2010

jaxsaint

  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • Posts: 83
    • View Profile
Re: Where is justice?
« Reply #42 on: June 17, 2010, 03:10:31 PM »
Hi Karen and Penny,
Joe was truly amazing...he averaged three books a week, often reading multiple books at once.  He really lived his life for the day.  All the years of facing cancer and death made him extraordinary.   Sometimes when I think of adding to his story I'm afraid that my words will be completely inadequate to describe the experience of knowing Joe.  His smile, his laugh, the vibe he projected.  He would enter a room, become the center of attention, and once his show was over he'd say, "let's go home now, just us."  So often his living for the moment worried me.  I was always afraid that we wouldn't be prepared for the future, retirement.  He'd say, "Jackie, I'm never going to retire."  It hurt just to hear him say it.  Now I realize he was right, people should do what they want.
I went to look at cars today.  He always joked about me buying him a car (he loved to spend money, and he loved presents even more), I guess I'm trying to buy him a car he would love.  "They" say we shouldn't  make any major decisions for the first year, but how do we know we have that long?  Joe would say, "who's they" and in unison we'd say, "the Chinese" (being that 1 of every 6 people on the planet is Chinese).  This was one of our daily exchanges.
I can't believe we're never going to share them again.
Jackie

closs86

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 231
    • View Profile
Re: Where is justice?
« Reply #43 on: June 18, 2010, 04:48:16 PM »
Hi Penny and Jackie,
     I think that Joe had the right idea, live for today, my husband also used to say don';t worry, everything will work out, I cant believe that we are saying these things, it is just so sad,  I almost understand about your Joe, Johnny was the same type of person, he would walk into a room and be able to talk about anything, he was so smart, not bookwise, but he just knew about everything, he could fix anything, and he was so smart, even though he didn't even finish high school.
     I had my cousins over today, it was very nice, I love them, they are so understanding, but I miss him so much,I went to a grief counseling meeting  last night and I don't know if that is what i need, maybe i will try one on one, I don't know
Take care
Karen

jaxsaint

  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • Posts: 83
    • View Profile
Re: Where is justice?
« Reply #44 on: June 18, 2010, 05:27:57 PM »
Penny,

Try anything.  Most wonderful ideas came from people who were willing to try anything.
Jackie

Today was a really long and emotional day.  At this point I say the same thing about every day.  What is happening?  Where am I?  Where is my life?  I'm 31, finally married to the most amazing man anyone could ever be with.  Now I'm widowed.  Where was my happiness?  It was too short,.  This is too much pain for one person. 
He would spend hours on the computer.  He investigated everything, reviewed books, browsed artwork.  He loved the Blackberry because he could look up baseball stats during a game, he could search ebay from work.  He was a stoner but accompished more than most.  He was always trying to make up lost time.
"Drift Away"...Stones.    I listen to music. . . .memories. . . .feelings I can't vocalize.   Joe loved music about as well as he loved books.  Knew about it, the genisus, the soul, the appreciation.   From Opera to Reggae, his library of music is about as extensive of his book library. 
How can I ever honor the man he was?  I feel inadequate at preserving his memory.
Jackie