Author Topic: Where is justice?  (Read 34711 times)

jaxsaint

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Where is justice?
« on: May 16, 2010, 05:56:51 PM »
It’s been 54 days since my husband left.  His name is Joe.  He was/is my soul-mate.  We lived and worked together.  I don’t understand….
Joe is 44 and I am 31.  We were friends for seven years, living together for two and a half years, and married for two and a half months.  None of this is supposed to be happening, we’re supposed to celebrate our wedding in August.  This was all so sudden. . . I’m so angry!  My husband battled cancer for the last 24 yrs, but was killed by a drunk driver during a cancer free period.  At 20 he was diagnosed with non-Hodgkins lymphoma and given 5% survival, he survived.  At 24 it was Lukemia, a side effect of the previous bout.  He lived in the hospital for 11 months in isolation.  For 10 years there were multiple rectal tumors, and just last year it was prostate cancer.  He survived them all!  Because of this he had what I called “cancer mentality,” he lived life everyday and it made him incredible unique.  On April 19, St. Joseph’s Day, he was walking across the street after picking up something to make for diner (he loved to cook) and was hit by a drunk driver who kept going.  I received a phone call from the hospital.  When I got there his was unconscious.  He never woke up.  Severe brain trauma.  By the fourth day the doctors told me he would never wake up, and would probably only last a few days longer.  Joe’s family and I made the decision to take him off life support.  Here I am just learning to sign my married name, having to sign the papers.  He held on for two hours.  I felt his breath and heart stop.  He was in my arms with our family standing around.  I didn’t even realize they were there.  It was just us, just like he liked it.
He was strong.  He was generous.  He was loving.  He was the best thing that ever happened to me!  I can’t believe he is gone and I wonder how long until I can join him.  How can there be a God?  Why make him suffer through so much only to take him when he was on the up swing?  I ask him every night to call me, to tell me it’s time to follow.  I always believed in Karma, that if you were a good person you would attract good.  This is the unthinkable.  Where is justice?  I am trying so hard to honor him each day by waking up, the way he did, but it is torture.  Why is this happening?

leo

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Re: Where is justice?
« Reply #1 on: May 16, 2010, 07:27:06 PM »
Hello jaxsaint,
So very sorry for all of the trials and tribulations that you have been experiencing over the years...not many people would have been able to get through those obstacles...I do not know what to say to you...all the words are so hollow...we are all going through such horrible situations on this site...nothing makes sense...there is no justice...especially when you read the posts on this site...it seems to just be random chance...it has been 65 days since I lost half of my life when my best friend and darling wife left this earth...I am totally lost...she was my everything...my true love...I do not now what to do...I am in another world looking in at all the couples who still have someone...I have no family or close friends...there are many friends that I have but they are not close and do not want to hear me grieve ( my opinion and feelings from associations with them...especially the men)...it does help to write...for me it is my only channel to express my inner feelings...I know it will be very difficult for all experiencing our grief but I wish you well and hope that you find a way to get through this terrible situation...
Leo

Sara Ann

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Re: Where is justice?
« Reply #2 on: May 17, 2010, 06:57:43 AM »
If there is justice at all in this situation, hopefully it will appear in the love and comfort that will surround you. This is where God is in all of this.

I am glad to hear someone else writing about feelings of injustice. I have them, too.

My friend the Rabbi says that God doesn't take anyone until death releases them. I am still trying to get my head around that.

I am on the numb channel this morning (I have two, crying and numb, right now). I am forcing myself to go see my doctor today (have some serious health problems that needed following up before the floor of my life got pulled out). I am hoping that watching our current thunderstorm counts as "doing something" because that is all I am getting done at this moment.

I am going to pray for you. I hear the pain in your post. You are not alone with it.

Kind regards,

Sara Ann






jaxsaint

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Re: Where is justice?
« Reply #3 on: May 19, 2010, 10:31:59 AM »
Thank you Sara Ann and Leo,

Today is two months since he was hit.  It's almost been as long as our marriage.  I couldn't go to work today, feeling like I should've taken off two months ago and then none of this would  be happening.

Friends and family tell me how strong I am, and remind me to continue being strong.  Don't they realize that whoever thought I was strong enough to  handle this made a gross overestimation.  I was only ever strong because I had him.  The first month was terrible, couldn't work, couldn't eat, couldn't stop crying.  The second month has been even worse.  I don't feel him around me anymore.  The signs have stopped and that is much worse.  I want to know where he is.  I want to be there with him.  I shut myself down all day long in order to get through the day.  How can life be going on when he is gone?

He promised me that everything would be okay.  This is not okay.  We were starting to talk about a baby.  My mind says, "this can not be happening," but it is.  When am I going to wake up from this nightmare?

leo

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Re: Where is justice?
« Reply #4 on: May 19, 2010, 11:20:40 AM »
Hello jaxesaint,
I am again so sorry that you are experiencing such pain...it is 68 days since my beloved wife left this world...I start tearing up just writing it down...I love her and miss her so much...I too have friends that say I am looking better and seem to be doing better when I am really agonizing and numb all over...nothing seems to be getting better in the least and I too feel that the second month has been far worse...the sadness has increased so much and I am crying so much more...believe me I cried a lot the first month but almost any thing can set me off now...some of my friends have said some very insensitive things, in my opinion, regarding my "recovery period"...as if there is some predetermined standard protocol that one must follow...one person even made a very crude remark, which I will not get into, and it clearly was uncalled for as his wife implied to him...because of these situations I have secluded myself and seldom talk to any "friends "...I have no family so I am alone...I am not certain that I can figure any thing out...it is just me and whatever happens...happens...I am not leading a life...I am in am in a solitary confinement that has transparent walls so I can watch people with partners enjoy life...
My wife and I thought we had the world with such a beautiful life that we shared for almost 33 years...we were so fortunate but we wanted it to go on much longer...I would spend an eternity with her and someday I will be with her...I do not know why it has to be this way...why would life be designed in such a way that you experience such happiness and good health for years only to slash everything from under you and punish you in such a devastating manner? It does not make any sense to me...nothing does any more...
I too feel as if I am in a constant nightmare and want to wake up to my dear wife...I can go on with the words but all are so hollow now...
I hope that someday you have some inner peace...
Leo

Sara Ann

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Re: Where is justice?
« Reply #5 on: May 19, 2010, 04:06:29 PM »
Hello Jaxsaint,

I am so sorry you are hurting. When you were writing about losing the signs of having someone around, and how empty that feels, I could really identify with that. When my friend Mukul died, we had just spoken about our plans for me to move in with him for a few months so I could finish writing a book. He had a beautiful place on the ocean, with views on all four sides, and it was very peaceful. We were talking about what we were going to do to fix up my room at his house. Then he died unexpectedly and I am never going to see him or the inside of his house again. It's probably been sold by now by his relatives.

When Brett died, he had just written all over my facebook page, and he had just emailed me about our plans to attend our reunion together.  We were both struggling with serious health problems so every other day or so I would get a call...it was just him checking up on me, did I need anything, etc.

All this to say the silence can indeed be deafening. Mukul was one of the smartest people I had ever met, and I loved bouncing ideas off of him. Brett was one of the most loving people I had ever met, and I so looked forward to the sweet things he would say and do. Both of them were very generous friends -- not talking money so much here, but emotional generosity.

One thing I've learned from all this is that I need what I call "2:00 a.m. friends", people I could call at 2:00 a.m. if I need them. I've lost three recently, and while they will never be totally replaced, I am touched by kindness from people I wouldn't have expected it from before. One friend of mine got really mad, for instance, that he didn't get a call when I had to go to the E.R. recently. Another friend who I did call that night showed up with a blanket and a toothbrush.  One of my biggest fears is being really sick, and alone.

I wonder what it's like for you to reach out right now. It's very hard for me to reach out to new people when I am grieving big losses.  What can be worse is suffering by myself.

Brett and I were drum majors of our high school band together. You wouldn't believe how many band members have found me on facebook since he died, including my best friend from high school who I hadn't heard from in over 20 years.

I am praying that for you, your loss brings to you all those who will appreciate having such a loving, devoted person as you for a friend.  All of us want to leave this earthly life in the arms of the person who loves us the most. You gave that and so much more to your husband.

Kind regards,

Sara Ann

























Lisasean2001

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Re: Where is justice?
« Reply #6 on: May 19, 2010, 05:55:22 PM »
Hello Jaxsaint,

My heart aches for you reading your story and I would like you to know that you are in my thoughts. I am so very sorry for your loss and the pain that you are feeling.

I have had many of the thoughts and feelings you express, and still do even to this day.
You are right; nothing about any of this is okay.
Many of the things people say mean nothing. However, I have learned over the last 10 months that sometimes there are little bits of hope in their words. For instance when they say “you are so strong”, I feel they are saying “please stay strong” for it is their hope that you will not be taken under the waves with the weight of your grief and every day you are still living is another day that you have survived what I can only describe as the most horrendous and painful experience we have been forced to endure.

My words might not mean much now, in fact they might never, but it is with hope that I share them with you and wish that you might find some rest and solace in the days to follow.

Sean
No matter how far or how long life takes me away, I will never forget you. Always in my heart and always on my mind until my final breath.
"Lis" March 14, 1971 - July 4, 2009
http://i297.photobucket.com/albums/mm230/okee02/DSC_0067.jpg

closs86

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Re: Where is justice?
« Reply #7 on: May 19, 2010, 09:24:57 PM »
Hi Jaxsaint
     I am so sorry for your loss, it is such a heartache, I know the emptiness you speak of,  coming home to an empty house is terrible.  We were together 43 years, he was only 60 when he passed, he didn't know he had pancreatic cancer, that had spread, so that his first symptom was too late, in 3 weeks he went from a big healthy looking man, who walked 3 miles every day and ate everything in his sight to gone.  I know that I am still trying to accept what happened in my head, it is very hard.  My emotions are up and down, I did go back to work, and I think that it was good for me, it gives me something else to think about for a little bit,
    I am so sorry that we all have this horrible pain and our heads are all fogged up, I wish it would all go away,and I would wake up, but I know that is not going to happen.
    Take good care of yourself
Karen

jaxsaint

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Re: Where is justice?
« Reply #8 on: May 21, 2010, 01:10:42 PM »
This morning I had to meet with the Principal of my school with union representation.  He said that my attendence was disruptive to the students.  I've missed one day since coming back.  I work hard with my students and am doing everything I can to make up for the time that was missed.  He told me I should've taken a leave for the rest of the year.  Was he going to pay my bills?  I'm doing the best I can do.  The students have been wonderful.  My husband was also a history teacher in the same school, and the kids loved him.  The principal said that our department has been destroyed. . .doesn't he realize that the same event that destroyed the department has destroyed my life?

The truth is, as illogical as it may sound, I blame the principal for my husband's death.  I have worked in the school for 10 yrs..  Always given my all. . .gone over and beyond.  Yet ever since I became union delegate this year I have received negative letters.  He even called me a racist, something I take great exception to.  When he couldn't find anything wrong he went after my husband with negative letters threatening diciplinary action.  My husband's blood pressure skyrocketed.  He went to the doctor that morning for tests because of his high blood pressure.  He believed the cause was stress from work since he was eating healthier than ever before because I was on Weight Watchers to slim down for the wedding.  If he didn't have the high blood pressure none of this would've happened.

I went back to work because the students kept contacting me, asking me to return.  My psychiatrist and therapist thought it would be good for me to confront it.  It was one of the hardest days of my life.  I had told myself that first month that if he wasn't at home he had to be at work.  It took me two weeks to make it passed the parking lot.  I just couldn't get over his car not being there.  I still expect him to come into the cafeteria and say, "there's my beautiful wife."  I'm there, I'm doing what I am supposed to.  All I want to do is throw myself off a bridge, but I keep trying.  Now I'm being reprimanded for that.  Isn't there any humanity left in the world?

leo

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Re: Where is justice?
« Reply #9 on: May 21, 2010, 01:54:24 PM »
Hello jaxsaint,
I am so very sorry that on top of grief and sadness that you have been experiencing  in losing your husband, you have to be exposed to this terrible situation at school...you have suffered so much already...I hope that you can shake it off somehow...it worries me when I see that someone here is being thrown into more grief...I know that there is nothing  that I can say to ease your pain...although I do not know you, I know the bridge avenue is not the way to go...for what it is worth I have been so despondent of late and I seem to be getting worse...all sorts of crazy thoughts flying in and out of my mind...but I remember my dear wife gasping when I said that I wanted to go with her..."don't talk like that" she said to me...it is so hard to want to or have the desire to forge ahead...but I think of her words...she also said to me "you'll be OK"...I am crying so hard now and sometimes I think that I will not be able to stand it...the constant pain is terrible...the sadness is haunting me every second of the day...
Sometimes there are personality conflicts that exist and the people in charge relish putting someone in a "losing situation" instead of having some feelings and trying to understand...will school be ending soon...is another school an option for you...if school is ending soon then at least you will have the summer period to help you adjust some...
I really hope that you take care of yourself...please write more...it isn't good to keep everything inside...
Leo

closs86

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Re: Where is justice?
« Reply #10 on: May 21, 2010, 09:48:10 PM »
Hi Jaxsaint
    I feel so bad for you, it would be great if you could find another school, it might be a little easier for you in another school. Well if not that at least I hope you are off for the summer. Some people are insensitive, they just do not realize how they make people feel, they are just not thinking before they speak, and just spew out whatever they want. It is very hard to deal with difficult people when you are grieving, 
    Please don't talk about jumping off anything, your husband would not want you to do that, and you know it. Some days are harder than others, but maybe tomorrow will be a little better.
     I hope everything works out for you, try not to let the principal get to you.
    Have a good day
    Karen

leo

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Re: Where is justice?
« Reply #11 on: May 22, 2010, 08:20:01 PM »
Hello Jackie,
I was just thinking of you and hoped that you were doing better today...the stress is not good although I know that you have been subjected to a lot...there are many understanding people here and we can listen to you...we all care about one another...I try but most of the time I am so down on myself...
Try us when you feel like writing...
Leo

jaxsaint

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Re: Where is justice?
« Reply #12 on: May 23, 2010, 10:41:07 AM »
Today makes two months since I watched him take his last breath.  I held him.  I was still hoping and praying for a miracle.  He was my miracle.

Yesterday I want to a MADD event to raise money and awareness about drunk driving.  Someone dies because of drunk driving every 40 seconds.  My husband did not have to die.  Why aren't all cars made with breath ignitions?

He should be here now holding me.  Last night I played some of his music and pretended he was dancing with me.  He was so amazing.  I can't accept this.  He was too full of life to be gone now.  I miss him all the time.  We melded together.  We fit.

closs86

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Re: Where is justice?
« Reply #13 on: May 23, 2010, 09:05:08 PM »
Hi Jackie,
     My heart really goes out to you, to beat cancer, and then get killed by a drunk driver, Why???????, I wish I knew the answer, that is horrible, how could that happen, and why would that happen???, I don't know what to say,  I am so sick tonight, my heart hurts for all our pain
Take care of yourself
karen

jaxsaint

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Re: Where is justice?
« Reply #14 on: May 24, 2010, 02:01:56 PM »
Last night was the series finale of my favorite show, Lost.  The ending certainly reflected my prayers.  I struggle with faith.  My husband was an athiest, and he would call me a disaffected Catholic.  I find myself wondering all the time if we will be with each other again.  Once, when I was a teen, I made a spell to summon my soul mate.  I imagined all the qualities he would have, I designed my perfect partner.  It took me a while, him also, but we found each other.

When we first started dating he had me read a book by Ha Jin, "Waiting."  It was about a man who wanted a divorce, and his estranged wife who was always waiting.  The feminist in me could not accept that a woman would wait so long.  Now I realize that I am the woman.  I am the wife who is prepetually waiting for her husband to come home.  I'm lonely.  I have no desire to do anything except dream about him.  Unfortunately the dreams don't come.

Joe left me thousands of books.  When he died I wanted to read them all, my life's mission.  I started a few, but can't bring myself to finish them or start anything new.

I hope we all see them again.