Author Topic: Lost and back at the start agian?  (Read 4947 times)

Pete (UK)

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Lost and back at the start agian?
« on: May 16, 2010, 05:10:16 AM »
Hi everyone. It's such a long time since I was here. I've had the ups and downs everyone gets, some days thinking I'm making it, most days knowing I'm not. It's two years next month since I lost Hetty, my sweet little wife, and so much has happened.

I left my job three weeks ago to try to start my own business and suddenly I feel so terribly alone without her. I feel so damned old and empty. My daughter tells me (consistently when I feel like this) that things will change and I'll be on the up again, but somehow, deep down, nothing changes. I've lost my love of life today. My kids are doing the sponsored walk I used to do, 26 miles across country for our hospice funds and I cried off because I broke my hip 14 months ago. I think I could have done it physically maybe, but the stamina and the psychological energy's just not there anymore. I feel very much alone today, aimless and uncaring. Just wanted to say that. Love to you all, my thoughts as ever are with you.

Pete

Sara Ann

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Re: Lost and back at the start agian?
« Reply #1 on: May 16, 2010, 04:23:26 PM »
Hi Pete,

I'm so sorry for your loss.

I know when I am making major transitions in my life, a lot of things get stirred up that I thought might be settled.  I want my loved ones with me for the big moments, the big decisions, the big changes in life.

I have to tell you something funny. I am often approached here for "walk-a-thons", by well-meaning people who don't know that I have a serious spine injury that greatly limits my walking. I always say, "yes". Then I collect money from all of my friends (the real point).  The day of the event, I drive my car straight to the finish line and hand it all in. Usually the best snacks are there, so I have a snack. If anyone asks me later if I walked, I always say "yes", since of course I walked from my car to the finish line.

I promise you, no one cares how far you walk as long as the money gets turned in.  You could try it sometime if you like; it's fun, and you don't get exhausted.

I just lost my high school sweetheart, who remained my friend for over 30 years. The big challenge for me right now is to continue to say "yes" to life when I just want to curl up and cry. The dog is sick of it already, and it's been less than a week. She makes sure I say "yes" to her several times a day, regardless. I've bought extra dog treats for her out of guilt. She knows where I keep them and will remind me when it's time for more. So far she is the only one putting up with me for any length of time. I must be as miserable as I feel.

I am going to say a prayer that your new business opens up many new windows in your life, and that light will shine in.

Kind regards,

Sara Ann









georgiapeaches

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Re: Lost and back at the start agian?
« Reply #2 on: May 16, 2010, 05:24:20 PM »
hey Pete!
missed ya! I havent been here as much as I used to be , but it was just 2 years for me too. The job security is getting hard on everyone, I dont know whats going to happen wth mine in acouple of weeks, just praying for now. I have up and down days also, its just hard sometimes so I know how you feel, glad to hear from you though, glad your doing ok and keep in touch.

Georgia
MOM                        JOHNNY
 

leo

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Re: Lost and back at the start agian?
« Reply #3 on: May 16, 2010, 07:41:15 PM »
Hello Pete,
I do not know what to say to you...the loss of your Hetty...nothing makes any sense...nothing seems to help...words do not mean much...but here we are...it has been 65 days since my life came to an abrupt end when my dear wife and best friend of almost 33 years passed away...we were one and I can find no meaning in anything...I was in her heart and half of me went when she left this earth...I wander aimlessly each day like a robot...just going through the motions until I can rest with her in eternity...I am so numb and in such constant pain that I can not stand it much of the day...my last few days have been very, very bad...I am experiencing much of what you are...I do not know that I can tolerate this existence for two years with my present feelings...I hope that all changes for the better for you with work and how you feel about life...there are so many people on this site that were thrust into these horrible situations...try and write more...we try to understand and will listen..
Leo

Pete (UK)

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Re: Lost and back at the start agian?
« Reply #4 on: May 17, 2010, 12:43:49 PM »
Leo:

As I said previously, it's been a long time since I logged in regularly. I saw your post and it took me back exactly to where I was two years ago next month. I've got my son with me today, but I'd like to write a long email to you telling you why I identify with your sad loss. It may help. believe me Leo I understand how much it hurts and I'd like to be a supporter for you as others were for me. There is hope, I'll be in touch tomorrow.
Take care, thinking of you and sending you my best wishes for some peace in your heart,

Pete

leo

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Re: Lost and back at the start agian?
« Reply #5 on: May 17, 2010, 01:33:38 PM »
Hello Pete,
Thank you very much for your kind response...I am looking forward to your email and hope that something of mutual interest can help us both...I am at the end of my rope and am filled to the brim with sadness and pain...it constantly gnaws at the inner depths of my body...we had such a beautiful life...everything seemed perfect for us and now it is gone forever...I can relate as to how your relationship with your Hetty is to you...life simply does not mean anything to me...
Wishing you some kind of inner peace...
Leo

Pete (UK)

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Re: Lost and back at the start agian?
« Reply #6 on: May 20, 2010, 02:14:59 PM »
Leo:

Sorry for the delay in getting back to you, I have to pick my moments for logging on to the site. If I'm feeling relatively okay it sometimes depresses me, I usually only go online when I'm feeling low. I know that's a cowardly way to be, but it seems to work for me. I feel for others who are bereaved and offer my insights when I feel they might help. I'm apologising to any site members who've heard all the thoughts in this message before, but this is where I am now. It might help, please forgive me if it has the reverse effect and accept it in the spirit in which it's written. If you click on my user name in the main forum, you can access all my posts and you'll see that your postings are almost a carbon copy of mine. There is hope. About a year ago I asked if anyone could assure me that things could get better, and I was assured they could, and you know? They have got a little easier. I still have very black times and I won't kid you that it goes away, but somehow there come times when I am strangely at peace.

It will be two years for me on 6th June, bizarrely for me ... D-Day. I invested every ounce of my heart and effort in my love for my wife Heather. We had a fairytale romance which lasted till the day she died, and continues even now. My son and daughter have dragged me through it all. Lately I've tried distraction coping strategy, I just stop thinking about her because it is destroying me. I know things will never be the same, and I try to continue for my kids' sake and to assure my friends and family that they needn't worry, but in honesty it is a mask. I tried everything except religion. I have no faith, I lost that about 15 years ago and Hetty's death ensured I'd never find faith again. The best advice I can give you is that there doesn't seem to be any one trick that works on its own, whatever you do it seems to work for a while only. However, I wish someone had said to me, 'don't try too hard to find a way out of your grief, time seems to help automatically'. Without me realising it, as the months go by it has got almost imperceptibly easier to handle. I've been through despair, bitterness, anger, depression, and nothing has changed the feelings abruptly, but time is slowly, day by day, helping me to find a new life.

I vowed I would not forget my wife, how could I, she was the best part of me, but I now think my powerful determination to keep her alive in my mind was having a detrimental effect on me, I was destroying myself. I was forcing myself to track back to the past like picking at a deep wound, and that stops a wound from healing. I'm sure our wounds will heal, but there will always be a scar, which will fade, but remain to remind us that we carry our past. I now try to relax, usually feeling sorry for myself, but through the ups and downs I suddenly realised I can look back on two years of memories since Heather passed away and find a few happy memories with my kids and friends etc.

I noticed a 'step-improvement' in my emotions literally on the first anniversary of her death, and I'm hoping for another at the two-year mark, a step to lift me one more measure out of the hell of those who have suffered loss.

I'd hate it if this email brought you down, I'm just trying to be honest about my feelings, it may be different for you, everyone deals with it differently.

Nowadays I'm so taken-up with attempting to survive as a single man that I often find myself forced to concentrate on my life in the moment. I say to friends 'thank goodness I'm not a young man, then I feel I would have to suffer for too long before I maybe join her, or, if there's nothing (depending on what you believe), until it all ends. Like you I had a long marriage, I met Hetty in 1970 and we had 38 years together. I found a song that made a big difference to me. It has a hard, bitter-sweet message, but it helped immensely. It's called 'See the Sun' by Dido.

See the Sun

I'm told 'one day the sun will shine again
I'm coming 'round to open the blinds
You can't hide here any longer
My God you need to rinse those puffy eyes
You can't last here any longer

And yes they'll ask you where you've been
And you'll have to tell them again and again

And you probably don't want to hear tomorrow's another day
Well I promise you you'll see the sun again
And you're asking me why pain's the only way to happiness
And I promise you you'll see the sun again

Come on take my hand
We're going for a walk, I know you can
You can wear anything as long as it's not black
Please don't mourn forever
She's(He's) not coming back

And yes they'll ask you where you've been
And you'll have to tell them again and again

And you probably don't want to hear tomorrow's another day
Well I promise you you'll see the sun again
And you're asking me why pain's the only way to happiness
And I promise you you'll see the sun again
And I promise you you'll see the sun again

Do you remember telling me you found the sweetest thing of all
You said one day this was worth dying for
So be thankful you knew her(him) at all
But it's no more

Small | Large


You'll note my comments with the Youtube user name reggaejuggler

I really do have your feelings at heart Leo, I hope I haven't planted disappointment that things will not be cured fast. I believe our grief is proportional to the love we give and that is the greatest tribute to our lost loved ones. Once I wished I could die. All my life I knew I would die for my children, but you have to be really strong to live for them. I feel I know where you are emotionally right now, and I feel similar pain I'm sure. I wish you the peace we all deserve. Please keep in touch with me, you can vent your feelings at any time. I live in England, but although most of the subscribers on Webhealing are in the USA, I find them a great support.

May your God be with you
(I am - for what it's worth),
Take care

Pete (UK)

leo

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Re: Lost and back at the start agian?
« Reply #7 on: May 20, 2010, 06:59:37 PM »
Hello Pete,
I would like to thank you very much for taking the time to post such an insightful look at your life and feelings for almost 2 years...so many of the things you say have crossed my mind...I can understand well what you mean by saying that you are trying to stop thinking about your wife... because I too feel that my constantly thinking about my wife is eating away at the foundations of my very being in such a major way...I want to keep her in my mind all the time but I do not know how to moderate it...how will it be for me with my current state of mind running in this direction in another year or two? I am trying to keep busier of late but the thoughts of her are always there...even when I am driving the car...the heavy thoughts, the crying and my inability, on occasion, to stay focused on my driving...it is good that you have your children...we had none...no really close friends...my wife and I lived life as one...I have a few understanding friends but no one that I feel I can open up the way I do in this site...so if I am not writing here all my thoughts and emotions are building up inside me with no other relief valve...after almost 33 beautiful years my wife's being/spirit has been melded into me...I try to get out more by myself...going to the store or the mall...I feel as if I am in a trance and walk around feeling like a zombie...
I understand about not trying too hard to find a single method to lessen your grief...with time you are conditioning your mind to accept the situation and gradually you learn to live with it a little better, I guess...I have a friend who lost his wife 15 years ago...he still laments...he took a vacation by himself...his wife did not want to go and she died while he was out of the country...it all seems like a game of chance...I guess that is what life is all about...savor every minute of every day for some day the minutes may stop...another friend of mine lost her husband 8 years ago and says he is the love of her life and not a day goes by that he is not in her mind...and so it goes...as you related you have a wound...it heals but you have a scar...we are all scared for life...your post did not bring me down...on the contrary it reinforced things that I suspected or have heard from a few others...I appreciate your candidness and am not disappointed...I appreciate  your willingness to share your thoughts...I thank you very much and look forward to hearing from you again whenever you feel up to it...I am going nowhere fast and I have time...the songs lyrics are very strong indeed...
Thank you for being with me and trying to help me...
Leo

Pete (UK)

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Re: Lost and back at the start agian?
« Reply #8 on: May 21, 2010, 09:57:22 AM »
Leo:

I'd like to reply to your email by taking the liberty of answering your points one at a time

I can understand well what you mean by saying that you are trying to stop thinking about your wife... because I too feel that my constantly thinking about my wife is eating away at the foundations of my very being in such a major way...I want to keep her in my mind all the time but I do not know how to moderate it...how will it be for me with my current state of mind running in this direction in another year or two?

In another year or two you will not be in this state of mind, trust me, you will find you are automatically living with the new life through necessity. Distracting myself from thinking about Heather most times seems mean, disrespectful, unloving and callous, but I keep hearing what she would have said to me ....'do whatever you have to do to get through this'.

I am trying to keep busier of late but the thoughts of her are always there...even when I am driving the car...the heavy thoughts, the crying and my inability, on occasion, to stay focused on my driving

I drove myself very, very hard into work after Het died, a great friend of mine died 4 days after Heather and my boss died unexpectedly six weeks after her, and I was thrown into trying to keep his business going. It took its toll, I lost nearly two stone in weight and became quite ill. Looking back I think it was because I tried to over-occupy my mind with work and I had no time to address my issues with her death. After ten months I had a stupid accident and broke my hip which meant three months off work. I wanted to die, but realised I had to keep going. The three months forced me to address the situation head-on and it did me good in the long run.

it is good that you have your children...we had none...no really close friends...my wife and I lived life as one...I have a few understanding friends but no one that I feel I can open up the way I do in this site


My children have saved me, but along the way I have made good friends. A colleague of mine, just a casual friend, became my great confidente and I use him as therapy, he is a good man. When you need help, if you ask and keep talking, you'll find someone to listen and it helps immensely. This site is the best medicine, everyone here has suffered loss and I found by trying to advise/listen to others was a good way of soaking-up my grief. I also keep a log of all the emails I write, and when I read them back I can see how far I've come. Make no mistake, I was a hopeless case too. All colour, warmth, sunshine, music and beauty hurt me without her.

so if I am not writing here all my thoughts and emotions are building up inside me with no other relief valve...after almost 33 beautiful years my wife's being/spirit has been melded into me...I try to get out more by myself...going to the store or the mall...I feel as if I am in a trance and walk around feeling like a zombie...

I forced myself to go to the same supermarkets, pubs, cinemas etc that I used to go to with her and gradually they took on a slightly different meaning, not so painful. At times I still do the zombie-run, staring into space, but the waves of grief get further and further apart and the troughs are not so deep. At present I am merely bored with being alone, not loneliness because I am lonely only for her, but I can live with the boredom. I tend to upset my daughter by regularly saying that the one thing no-one can take away from me is that one day I will definitely die, then maybe all the grief will be over, and there's a 50/50 chance there's something beyond this. So there is a 50/50 chance we'll meet again if there is an afterlife. Romance exists most definitely in this life, and I feel the poetry of creation from wherever it derives would tend to suggest a romantic continuation of our love. That's good enough for me, I'll wait for an eternity if it means we can be reuinted again. I stupidly believed we loved each other so much even death couldn't separate us, and now I know it is true, I don't know how, but my instinct tells me so.


I understand about not trying too hard to find a single method to lessen your grief...with time you are conditioning your mind to accept the situation and gradually you learn to live with it a little better, I guess


I don't think you do learn to live with it any better, your mind does it for you without too much effort and this happens with time. Sometimes I say to myself, 'what's the good of thinking about her, it's a dead-end street'. It is painful to do, but then, when she does come into my mind it is almost on her terms. I am trying to learn to embrace new freedoms, there should be no guilt in wanting to survive bereavement, we owe it to our loved ones and friends to remain and be capable again.

Please take care. A good friend who lost his partner told me 'be kind to yourself', it took me a while to work that one out, but I think I know what he meant.

Please keep in touch Leo, we can beat this together!
Regards,

Pete

leo

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Re: Lost and back at the start agian?
« Reply #9 on: May 21, 2010, 02:18:01 PM »
Hello Pete,
Again many thanks for your kind response...I really appreciate your taking the time...it is so good to know that there are such caring people in the world...I too lost some weight over the last several months but not anywhere near the almost 14 kilo that you experienced...I too am trying to push myself to stay extra busy...getting minimal sleep...but the shrouds of sadness and pain are always there...I am still shying away from people and may force myself to take a trip in the Sept-Oct time frame...I do not feel much like doing it now...but I may try and see if it helps...just a thought...my wife and I were never apart when trips came about...my greatest joy was being with her and seeing her be happy when we did anything...for me being with her was enough for me...I try to be kind to myself as others in my community have told me too but I was my harshest critic at work and drove myself relentlessly...I am trying...although sometimes I do not like myself too much...
Stay well my friend...
Leo

leo

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Re: Lost and back at the start agian?
« Reply #10 on: June 01, 2010, 04:59:47 AM »
Hello Pete,

 Just wanted to see if you were doing OK...I hope that the business is progressing well...it is good that you have some family...
You are being thought of and I wish you well as the month of June starts...there is not much that I can say as I struggle myself to find something to validate why I should try for another day...I miss my darling wife so very much and there are no words which are adequate to describe how much she means to me...

Leo