Leo:
Sorry for the delay in getting back to you, I have to pick my moments for logging on to the site. If I'm feeling relatively okay it sometimes depresses me, I usually only go online when I'm feeling low. I know that's a cowardly way to be, but it seems to work for me. I feel for others who are bereaved and offer my insights when I feel they might help. I'm apologising to any site members who've heard all the thoughts in this message before, but this is where I am now. It might help, please forgive me if it has the reverse effect and accept it in the spirit in which it's written. If you click on my user name in the main forum, you can access all my posts and you'll see that your postings are almost a carbon copy of mine. There is hope. About a year ago I asked if anyone could assure me that things could get better, and I was assured they could, and you know? They have got a little easier. I still have very black times and I won't kid you that it goes away, but somehow there come times when I am strangely at peace.
It will be two years for me on 6th June, bizarrely for me ... D-Day. I invested every ounce of my heart and effort in my love for my wife Heather. We had a fairytale romance which lasted till the day she died, and continues even now. My son and daughter have dragged me through it all. Lately I've tried distraction coping strategy, I just stop thinking about her because it is destroying me. I know things will never be the same, and I try to continue for my kids' sake and to assure my friends and family that they needn't worry, but in honesty it is a mask. I tried everything except religion. I have no faith, I lost that about 15 years ago and Hetty's death ensured I'd never find faith again. The best advice I can give you is that there doesn't seem to be any one trick that works on its own, whatever you do it seems to work for a while only. However, I wish someone had said to me, 'don't try too hard to find a way out of your grief, time seems to help automatically'. Without me realising it, as the months go by it has got almost imperceptibly easier to handle. I've been through despair, bitterness, anger, depression, and nothing has changed the feelings abruptly, but time is slowly, day by day, helping me to find a new life.
I vowed I would not forget my wife, how could I, she was the best part of me, but I now think my powerful determination to keep her alive in my mind was having a detrimental effect on me, I was destroying myself. I was forcing myself to track back to the past like picking at a deep wound, and that stops a wound from healing. I'm sure our wounds will heal, but there will always be a scar, which will fade, but remain to remind us that we carry our past. I now try to relax, usually feeling sorry for myself, but through the ups and downs I suddenly realised I can look back on two years of memories since Heather passed away and find a few happy memories with my kids and friends etc.
I noticed a 'step-improvement' in my emotions literally on the first anniversary of her death, and I'm hoping for another at the two-year mark, a step to lift me one more measure out of the hell of those who have suffered loss.
I'd hate it if this email brought you down, I'm just trying to be honest about my feelings, it may be different for you, everyone deals with it differently.
Nowadays I'm so taken-up with attempting to survive as a single man that I often find myself forced to concentrate on my life in the moment. I say to friends 'thank goodness I'm not a young man, then I feel I would have to suffer for too long before I maybe join her, or, if there's nothing (depending on what you believe), until it all ends. Like you I had a long marriage, I met Hetty in 1970 and we had 38 years together. I found a song that made a big difference to me. It has a hard, bitter-sweet message, but it helped immensely. It's called 'See the Sun' by Dido.
See the Sun
I'm told 'one day the sun will shine again
I'm coming 'round to open the blinds
You can't hide here any longer
My God you need to rinse those puffy eyes
You can't last here any longer
And yes they'll ask you where you've been
And you'll have to tell them again and again
And you probably don't want to hear tomorrow's another day
Well I promise you you'll see the sun again
And you're asking me why pain's the only way to happiness
And I promise you you'll see the sun again
Come on take my hand
We're going for a walk, I know you can
You can wear anything as long as it's not black
Please don't mourn forever
She's(He's) not coming back
And yes they'll ask you where you've been
And you'll have to tell them again and again
And you probably don't want to hear tomorrow's another day
Well I promise you you'll see the sun again
And you're asking me why pain's the only way to happiness
And I promise you you'll see the sun again
And I promise you you'll see the sun again
Do you remember telling me you found the sweetest thing of all
You said one day this was worth dying for
So be thankful you knew her(him) at all
But it's no more
You'll note my comments with the Youtube user name reggaejuggler
I really do have your feelings at heart Leo, I hope I haven't planted disappointment that things will not be cured fast. I believe our grief is proportional to the love we give and that is the greatest tribute to our lost loved ones. Once I wished I could die. All my life I knew I would die for my children, but you have to be really strong to live for them. I feel I know where you are emotionally right now, and I feel similar pain I'm sure. I wish you the peace we all deserve. Please keep in touch with me, you can vent your feelings at any time. I live in England, but although most of the subscribers on Webhealing are in the USA, I find them a great support.
May your God be with you
(I am - for what it's worth),
Take care
Pete (UK)