Author Topic: husband's and soulmate has passed  (Read 10236 times)

emix7

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Re: husband's and soulmate has passed
« Reply #15 on: July 04, 2010, 05:43:22 PM »
Hi Leo,
I went to your garden and it was beautiful, the love that you feel for  your wife shows in the beautiful flowers that you  have grown. I am sitting in our room and my son dragged his mattress to our bedroom because he says he needs to keep an eye on me because if he was not here pushing me to sleep and eat I would not be well soon and he has no intentions of losing me just yet. I told him that I would be better once time passes but he left everything that was his pop's stuff on his side of the bed. He lays down by the foot of our bed and watches me like a hawk. I told him that he needs to get away from me for a while because he has had no chance to mourn for his pop because he has always been there with me when Tom passed away holding on to his hand as I held on his other hand but now he does not want to spend any time away from me. I feel guilty because I have no desire to leave my room and don't know what to do. He knows that I had not been sleeping or eating much before he moved in and now I am forcing myself to eat and sleep so he will feel better. He is our youngest and is scared to lose my so I am trying to hang on but do not know what to hang on to. It has been over 2 months and I still have no idea what to do with me. I feel so useless because of my heart attack and I guess he is also scared that I might have another one since it was just recent. The doctors will not let me work because of it so what is there left to do. maybe one of you will have a suggestion to keep me busy. I have tried to tell him that he can move back to his bedroom but he says that he feels better watching me in our room. still lost evelyn

emix7

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Re: husband's and soulmate has passed
« Reply #16 on: July 11, 2010, 11:24:55 AM »
This will be my last post because  I feel empty and need more responsive which you are not quite there. I am alone now that my last son has left for California so no more hindrance. I will fix this quietly with no one the wiser. I cannot take the pain nor the silence anymore all I want is peace so be it. evelyn

zxcv

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Re: husband's and soulmate has passed
« Reply #17 on: July 15, 2010, 12:52:23 PM »
I feel your loss.  I am sorry to hear about your heart attack.  My husband passed away 3 months this Fri.  I am lost also.  sometimes I don't look for answers from this site but just putting it into writing knowing that other people feel the same way we do helps.  God has a plan for all of us.  I have been very depressed the last couple of days and understand your lonelyness.  I have been home for about a week and a half now after visiting the children.  Try and trust in him.  focus on the positive stuff, reach out.  I know it is hard because before it was easy to reach out but harder as time goes on.  I thought it would be easier.  Stay strong and be well.  It is time to take care of yourself. 

emix7

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Re: husband's and soulmate has passed
« Reply #18 on: August 09, 2010, 02:52:56 PM »
Almost ended my life in last posting but a lady called me and talked to me over the phone and told me to keep talking to her so I would not do it. It has been really hard to hang on specially now in August because it is our birthday month (Tom and mine) and also our anniversary. The moment I realized it was August somehow the tears just started and have not stopped because now I am also realizing that I will never hear his voice again,never feel his arms hugging me, never have the teasing time and the cuddling time again. How can I carry on when I will never see him again. I do not know how anybody  can keep hanging on to nothing. Why am I still hear? my kids are grown so I am trying to find the reason why I am still here. I was in the hospital in July due to my heart and I kept hoping that it would be the end cause I have no more reason to live. I love my kids but they have their own lives to lead and I seem to add to their hardship cause they feel responsible for me and I do not think that is fair to them. they are all trying to get me to live with them but my place is in our home tom's and mine . Is that crazy that I still want to stay home? This is where he died and yet this is the place where I am most comfortable in because we spent our life here. I actually spent time reading all your post hoping to find out how anybody is hanging on and to what and for what reason and hoping that I would find a reason for me to hang on too. Maybe you guys have an answer for me. i will wait to see.

closs86

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Re: husband's and soulmate has passed
« Reply #19 on: August 09, 2010, 06:42:25 PM »
Hi Evelyn
     I am so sorry that you are in such pain, please don't do anything to yourself, you can't it is not fair to your children, it will be something that will haunt them for the rest of their lives.  We all miss our loves, I was with my husband since i was 16, now i am 60, it was a lifetime, I don't know any other way to live, except how it was to be with him.  It is not easy at all, this is a whole new life, one that we didn't ask for or want, but we have it. I have done things that surprise me, that I never ever thought I could do, I know that johnny is helping me, I feel it, I haven't driven in years, Johnny was the driver, now I have to drive again or I will be in trouble. You know how hard it is for me to get back out there, but I ask johnny and god to help and stay with me and they do. and I have been driving more and more. so many things that I have done now that I never did before, we have to.
   I also want to be with Johnny and would love for it to happen, but we have to wait until it is supposed to, or we might not be with them again if we don't wait. I don't want to take that chance.
   Just keep trying and pushing yourself, to get out of the house, try to keep your mind busy. even a couple of hours during the day will do you good.
Take care
stay strong
karen

emix7

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Re: husband's and soulmate has passed
« Reply #20 on: August 10, 2010, 02:42:07 PM »
Hi Karen, thank you for your response, it is just that I feel lost, no purpose to my life now that Tom is gone. This is our birthday and anniversary month and it is killing me because I do not see any reason for my pain to continue without him. I have been home bound since he died. I do not go out at all because everywhere we go reminds me of him and every new place hurts because he is not there with me. He was the center of my life and nothing can change that. My kids have all tried to get me to live with them but somehow I need to be home where Tom and I lived together. What future  is there when I now have to grow old alone.We were planning to renew our vows this year but now I am wearing his ring which he begged for me to put on my finger next to my ring to show that he would always be mine and I his. Everyday I look at this and cry because of all the plans we had made.How can I even live through this month when I just want to be with him.

I'm sorry, I am just hurting so because this is the biggest first that I have had to celebrate without him.Please let me get through this one breath at a time. evelyn

closs86

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Re: husband's and soulmate has passed
« Reply #21 on: August 11, 2010, 06:26:00 PM »
Hi Evelyn,
   I feel the same as you do, everything you said sounds just like I feel, the only difference is they renewed our vows in the hospital when the priest came up to bless him, I am happy they did that.
   I don't know where we are supposed to get strength from or how,  but I do find myself doing things I never ever would have done before, and I know that Johnny is guiding me and staying with me, so I find some peace in that.
Take care
Karen

emix7

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Re: husband's and soulmate has passed
« Reply #22 on: August 12, 2010, 02:27:48 PM »
Hi Karen,
I'm glad that you are doing things and that your husband is steering you to do things. My problem is I was always the one who instigated things, my poor husband was my cheering squad who was always in the background. He was always quiet but he backed me in whatever crazy stuff I came out with.
I just realized that I would never see him again, or hear his voice or feel his hugs everything of him is gone and that really sucks royally. I just found the hospital sheets he was lying on in the closet and today I just lost it. reality slapped me in the face to show me that there is no more him in my life except what I have in my broken heart of which half is gone. Why am I still here then? I have no life without him. I don't even have ambition to go on and yet I wake up every day and what? Is there someone who has the answer? I am so tired of hearing things will get better. It is not getting better, everyday is just a reflections of yesterday in which nothing happened, I did nothing and tomorrow nothing again. Life will never be the same because my love is no longer. I'm sorry for being so down, he has been gone almost 4 months and I am so afraid of what will happen on his birthday, our anniversary and my birthday, will I survive it and if so what will be left of me.evelyn