Author Topic: Dreams  (Read 2660 times)

tahari01

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Dreams
« on: August 14, 2010, 05:50:44 AM »
My first journal entry. I decided to start a journal for my grief process.  Anything to help me.  I wanted to share what I wrote with all of you.

Lillian

August 14, 2010

It’s been 13 and a half days since mom died.  Yesterday was a decent day for me.  The heaviness wasn’t as apparent on my chest as it has been.  It still hurts a lot though.  I find myself wanting to make a change for the better in my health and life, because mom wouldn’t want me to suffer or go through what she did in life.  Her last moments with me, and her last words to me weren’t I love you.  No, those were my last words to her…as I knew the situation wasn’t good and I’d more than likely lose her that night.  My last words to her were “I love you momma”.  I went down the names of all her kids and some of her grandkids…and told her every one of us loves her and to please stay with us.  She didn’t though.  God wanted her in heaven with him instead.  I find a tiny bit of comfort knowing that she may have passed in my arms, while I gave her CPR.  I think I may have brought her back to life once while waiting for paramedics to get here.  I’m not very clear on that one. The EMT may have briefly brought her back. I’m just not sure.  At any rate, I thought I’d start a journal of my feelings while I’m grieving for her.  I wanted to start out by telling the three dreams I’ve had of her so far.  I wanted to remember those dreams in case I ever wanted to remember them in the future, but couldn’t.

THE DREAMS:
The first dream was  maybe a day after the funeral, not sure on when.  There was lots of friends and family crammed in this tiny house.  We were all in the living room, and the kitchen was right off of the living room.  The living room was dark, but the kitchen had a small light on.  The entryway to the kitchen was an arched entryway with no door.  My heart was so heavy with grief in the dream.  I was sitting near my husband when I heard my mom say, “Lilly! Where’s the ham?”  We all were very astonished to hear her voice! But especially I was astonished the most.  I told her that she wasn’t supposed to be there, that she passed away.  She then showed herself to me and  she appeared younger to me than when she died.  She died at 71 years old…but she looked like she may have been in her late 30’s or early 40’s.  I guess she was happiest then? Not sure.  She had a covered dish and I went up to her and she uncovered it. There was hamburger on the dish, raw hamburger.  I then told her that it wasn’t ham and I imagine she probably put it back. Because the next minute, she was without the dish and in the darkened living room with us all.  There was a big burly black man there and he’d passed away  a while ago too.  He was crying along with me and comforting me, telling me that everything will be alright and that mom is happiest where she is now.  He proceeded to hug me tightly, and I can still feel his arms around me, hugging me tightly to him, comforting me.  When I awoke, I immediately remembered the dream.  Something that I rarely do.  I felt a sense of peace and knew it was my moms way of showing me and telling me that she’s alright.  I strongly feel that the black man in my dream was more than likely a heavenly angel come to me in human form to comfort me.  It was a great dream!  The ironics of me having the dream that night is that my dad called and told me he had a dream of her that same night I had my dream of her. In his dream, she was driving up his driveway and there were lots of family there at his house. He said she was a lot younger and so very pretty.  He said in his dream, she planted a big kiss on his lips.  Even though my mom and dad divorced in 1979-1980, they were soulmates.  They were first loves.  My stepmom has been great through all of this.  She understands this.  The day of moms visitation, I laid in bed next to dad while Gary got ready in his bathroom, and my sister Sherry came in to get something from one of her bags that she put in daddys bedroom.  Sherry started crying and she sat on the edge of dads bed, and he held her while she cried.  He started crying too a bit and told us both, “you never get over your first love”.  I know that he loved mom dearly until her end.  I’m glad he had a dream the same night I had mine. 

The second dream I had of her was the next night after the first one.  I don’t really remember the dream.  All I remember is that she was younger in this one as well.  I am pretty sure she was carrying a cord of wood and coming towards me.  That’s all I remember of that one.

The third dream, I had last night.  She was younger in this dream as well.  It was a family gathering or reunion I’m imagining.  Both friends and family were there.  Mom had been resurrected from the dead and brought back to life.  Not in a freakishly scifi movie kind of way.  But through God.  God had brought my mommy back to life from the dead.  Now for the next part of this dream, you have to understand something.  The night she passed, she’d just looked up a recipe that afternoon for a peach upside down cake.  We’d went to Sams Club and bought a lot of things, including a case of peaches for me to use in this recipe.  I was supposed to make it for her that week, but never got to.  I made two of those cakes yesterday.  One for my husband, son and I to enjoy, and one to take to my dads house today to share with my siblings and daddy.  The first bite I had of the cake, I started bawling because all I could think of, was the fact that my mommy didn’t get to try the cake that she wanted me to make for her.  Now back to the dream.  We all sat at this big dining room table, which looked like the one that my mom and dad owned and had when they were still married and living in Huntsville, Alabama on Marymont Drive.  She was enjoying a piece of my cake.  Sitting at the head of the table with her legs crossed and slowly enjoying that piece of cake.   I’m so very glad that I’ve had these dreams.
I’ve had two moments where I’ve yelled in my sleep and called out for her.  The first time I called out her name and woke myself up doing that.  The very next night, I yelled out in my sleep because I thought I saw her face in my living room window.  You have to understand that in my living room, we have blinds in the window.  Well, the bottom right corner of the blinds, there’s a perfect square missing where our cat used to climb in the window at night and he messed them up.  We’ve not replaced them yet.  But because I can see spirits and communicate with them, it creeps me out to have that square missing.  So the second time I woke myself up screaming, it’s because I saw a white mist in the window in my dream, and I knew it was momma. 
I’m glad I’ve had those experiences. I also know that it’s a part of my grieving process.  But I’m convinced my mommy came to me in my dreams to comfort me and to let me know that she’s alright and not to be sad for her.  She’s rejoicing in Heaven with all her friends and family that’s passed before her.  She’s rejoicing with the Angels and with God Almighty Himself. The ultimate reward!  I miss her so very much.  But I know she’s happiest up there and she doesn’t miss any of us at all.  I will see her again.  I know I will.  When it’s my time to go, I want to see her first. And I know I will.  I love you momma. So very very much!

Lillian
In loving memory of my momma, Helen Blankenship. Gone to Heaven 8/1/2010

Tom

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Re: Dreams
« Reply #1 on: August 14, 2010, 05:14:44 PM »
Lillian -  What a beautiful post.  Dreams are so often a part of our grief and often will shock us and "wake us up" in some ways.  You are smart to write them down.  Writing them down keeps them available to our awareness.  Most of the time the bereavement dreams are filled with emotion and when we awaken it all comes pouring out.  This, of course, is helpful in the long run but can be pretty upsetting in the short run.

I was moved by your story about the cake and how the tears came pouring out when you first took a bite.  Bless you and your mom.

Tom
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to young to be a widow

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Re: Dreams
« Reply #2 on: August 15, 2010, 09:09:05 AM »
lillian

sorry to hear about hte loss of your mother--no matter what the relationship is to someone it is always very hard and difficult

i had a dream but it wasnt about my wonderful husband--it was about me and my soul being sucked out of my body and floating about 2 inches above it--everything was dark--no light in the house anywhere and there is always a night light on in the house--and as i was floating my hair turned gray and my fingers crumbled into dust--and then i was pushed back into my body--and i woke up coughing--and then my dogs snuggled closer to me--i'm still wondering what it meant for i have several different theories on this

In memory of my loving husband Fred 4-28-62--5-8-2010