Author Topic: It has been 7 years on May 3rd  (Read 3223 times)

VickiC

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It has been 7 years on May 3rd
« on: May 06, 2010, 11:08:34 AM »
Hello everyone,
I couldn't get on the computer on Monday because our server was down so I will write my feelings down today...My sweet son, Craig, died in a car accident 7 years ago on May 3, 2003...I miss him more than ever and time seems so irrevelant to me...7 years seems like an eternity yet it also seems like yesterday....My life stopped and time stood still for me when he left us...I am still trying to figure out this new, confusing, complicated life I have now and I am still picking up the million scattered pieces of my heart, knowing I will never fully reconstruct it...I will move forward the best way I can, to honor Craig and make him proud of me....He wouldn't want me to stand still or to stop trying....I have a deeper, closer, stronger relationship with him now and pull his loving spirit closer to me every day...I will let his love carry me and I will pass it on to others....His life will be my Light and every time I think of him, he will light up my heart.  I still miss him more than words could ever express and on his "Angel Day"  I wanted him to come back to life more than ever....I wanted him to hold me with his long, magilla arms, tell me a new joke, and just tell me what it is like in Heaven.....I just wish we could have "visiting hours" in Heaven just to check up on our kids....But, I guess we would be so enthralled by the Love, Joy and Beauty, we would not want to come back here on Earth....

Craig was the neatest kid...He was unique in every way...He reminded me so much of myself!  I believe that Craig lived to serve, love, and help others and always brought smiles to their faces....even those that felt they didn't have any friends...He could outwit, outsmart, out-debate, out-do anyone but he just couldn't outlive us!  Not fair, not fair at all!  I still have so much "survival guilt"  and so much wanted him to experience all the things in life that we did....Most of his friends are married and have families now and he will never get to experience that.  What could be, what should be, what will never be.....a life with Craig and the ability to share in his dreams and his future....sigh ):....I can't make new memories with him and can only "parent" the memories I have.  Craig was a tease and a jokester but at the same time he was very serious about life and wanted to live it to the fullest, blessing us and loving us at the same time....Oh, he was very strong-willed and contrary (the middle child), always wanting attention, always having something wise and profound to say...Craig had his own way of doing things and everyone used to say that it was "Craig's Way".  He could "push your buttons" and be so aggravating but most of the time he would melt your heart...There were many things that would "get me down" and he was always there to "pick me up" and he taught me always to see the positive perspectives in life and see the good in people's hearts.  I miss my blond-haired, long-armed, chubby fingered, and the evil look he gave me with one, raised eyebrow every time he questioned my reasoning or motives...I miss that kid with the limber jaunt, the contrary grin, that happy-go-lucky attitude, that determined fortitude, and that profound thinker who always amazed people with his "adult" attitude....I miss everything about him! 

I just don't understand why his life was cut short (he was only 19)...Maybe someday I will stop asking "why" and stop looking for answers...Would I be satisfied with the answers I got?  I can only imagine what he would look like and what he would be doing with his life now...I have to believe that he would be married to his girlfriend (Cori), that he would be a dad with kids and that he would love his career of being a pilot in the Air Force....He would have built his own house (he and Cori had built a cabin together), he would be working on Mustang cars, he would find new places to hike in the mountains, he'd be a leader in Scouts if he had sons, he'd probably be teaching Judo to the young kids and I am sure he would have helped us build our own cabin in our special place in the mountains....His life would be full and prosperous and happy....Why was he denied that?  I guess I will never know in this life....He was always so good with kids...He would volunteer to babysit our friend's kids and had a "magical" way about him...they always flocked around him and remembered the fun times they had with him...My oldest son, Justin, said that Craig reminded him so much of his own middle son, Garrett...Many times Garrett would take the verbal abuse or bossiness from his older brother, Carson, for so long and then he would finally explode and lash out....Craig would hold in his emotions too and finally release so many emotions that he kept inside...

Anyway, his Angel Day was spent in deep, reflective thoughts of Craig...my husband thought about his son in his own, quiet solitude...He remembered him in his own way...I had found journals I had written when the kids were small...I read every one and found that the warm memories were soothing to my soul...I wrote down more feelings in my current journal...I was looking for 7 white roses (symbolizing 7 years),  but could not find any in the stores, thinking that maybe they were sold out because it is the Prom in our community now...So, I planted 4 new flowers in Craig's memory garden...We also went up to the cemetary plot his girlfriend has for him...He is not actually buried there (we have his ashes at home) but Cori feels closer to him there.  I got 4 shells that I had collected with the grandsons (Craig loved the beach too), and I wrote inside that they loved their uncle Craig, and the last one we wrote that we will love him forever....those are a few of the small things we did...My heart was definately with Craig and I focused my thoughts on him that day...This grief journey is hard and you carry it with you every day...Yes, the pain isn't as intense but it is a part of who you are and thru the years I have learned to manage it and live with it....there are still those days  when it does come to the surface and the stored up emotions knock me down and tear me up....We will always have that endless bond of love for our kids and the grief just coincides with it....I find, though, that because I have made the grief I have for Craig so personal and private and it is tucked away so deeply, It is harder for me to talk about Craig without tearing up or losing it!!!  It was not that way in the beginning...I could talk about him all day long....I would cry my eyes out in intense pain when I was alone at home....Maybe it's because I feel that most people are too uncomfortable to hear about Craig anymore....I wish they would bring him up once in awhile....I know that with you guys, I can easily talk about Craig and I feel that special understanding, compassion, and caring and that we are unified in helping each other....I am so grateful and blessed to be a mom to Craig and I will always be grateful to my friends here who understand the tremendous bonds of love we will always have and the pain we carry for those precious children we have lost....Thank you all for listening and caring and for throwing me a lifeline once in awhile....

Sending Peace, Love, Strength and Hope,
VickiC
Mom to Craig (Sept. 16, 1983 to May 3, 2003) --His Life will be my Light

Brenda Taylors Mom

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Re: It has been 7 years on May 3rd
« Reply #1 on: May 06, 2010, 01:28:18 PM »
(((((((((((((((((((((((((((Vicki)))))))))))))))))))))))))) Such a beautiful letter about your son, I feel like I know him... I wish I had of known him. " wish there were visiting days in heaven" Oh wouldn't that be something.. Your son sounds like a gem. Sending you my love Vicki.
SAYING CRAIG OUT LOUD RIGHT NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!
LOVE TO YOU
BRENDA

Jeanneb

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Re: It has been 7 years on May 3rd
« Reply #2 on: May 07, 2010, 06:01:49 AM »
((((((((((VICKI)))))))))))))))

You are in my heart,

Jeanne
Philip's mom forever
Bruce's sister

Terry

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Re: It has been 7 years on May 3rd
« Reply #3 on: May 07, 2010, 09:12:08 AM »
((((( Vicki )))))

Thank you for sharing your precious Craig with us and I feel honored to know him, through you.

You wrote: "I will move forward the best way I can, to honor Craig and make him proud of me....He wouldn't want me to stand still or to stop trying....I have a deeper, closer, stronger relationship with him now and pull his loving spirit closer to me every day...I will let his love carry me and I will pass it on to others....His life will be my Light and every time I think of him, he will light up my heart."

This is both beautiful and hopeful and most of all...healing.

Although I know you are in pain and feel deep sadness from missing your baby, you have reached a plateau, and once you've made it "up-there" you'll never go back down, again. You may "look-down" and in anguish, but you will never be the same as you were before. You've worked so very hard to reach this point and I hear peace in your words.

Thank you again for sharing your heart, your journey and your very precious son.

You have my love,
Terry

Dena

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Re: It has been 7 years on May 3rd
« Reply #4 on: May 09, 2010, 01:32:12 PM »
(((Vicki)))

Remembering Craig on his 7th Angel Day and saying his name out loud & clear!  I am sorry I am late.

                      Craig Craig Craig Craig Craig Craig Craig

Love,
Dena, Josh's Mom

Annette

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Re: It has been 7 years on May 3rd
« Reply #5 on: May 13, 2010, 01:03:06 PM »
Dearest Vicki,

Thank you for your very touching letter; I'm in awe of what you wrote. So much of what you wrote could have been written by myself about my son. Thank you for expressing it so well. I can tell that Craig was so very special and he has a very special mom. I hope and pray that there is a heaven (my faith has slipped) and that you will be with your Craig one day, and I will be with my Michael. I pray that the Lord can mend our broken hearts.

Love,
Annette
Michael's Mom
12-13-82 - 5-14-07

Trevor & Michael 2004 Age3

lwuest

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Re: It has been 7 years on May 3rd
« Reply #6 on: May 13, 2010, 08:46:47 PM »
Dear Vicki, Craigs beautiful Mom,

Thank you for your post especially for sharing your feelings about Craig.  I read every single word.  There is so much in your post that I can relate to.  And you have given me hope and a tad bit of courage to keep on going.  I especially loved what you said about the "magilla arms".  Actually, that visual made me smile so thanks for putting my feelings into words!  It's what I most miss about my son.

What you said about the feeling being so much more personal now, it's so very true.  In the beginning I wanted to stop everyone I saw and tell them.  Now, it's different....it's mine...but you wrote it so well.

Anyway, hugs to you, and thank you for coming here and sharing about Craig.  I feel I know him and I know he has no doubt about how much you loved him.

Linda

Barbara

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Re: It has been 7 years on May 3rd
« Reply #7 on: May 14, 2010, 10:44:39 AM »
Vicki, Thank you for sharing....Hugs

Dottie (Tammie's Mom)

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Re: It has been 7 years on May 3rd
« Reply #8 on: May 15, 2010, 05:55:13 AM »
Thank you for sharing.

Dottie Tammie's Mom