Author Topic: after 30 years  (Read 23016 times)

zxcv

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 39
    • View Profile
after 30 years
« on: May 01, 2010, 07:36:29 AM »
I lost my John after 30 years of a good marriage.  He had a double lung transplant in 2008.  After his year anniversary, The day after thanks giving which was 3 weeks later,  his anti rejecton medication attacked his  new lungs and tour them apart .  We were on a study roller coaster ride since than. After spending the last 3 weeks in the hospital the Dr's told us there was nothing that they were able to do for him.  We arrived home on Good Fri and after spending 24 hours at home John was transfered to a Hospice home.  We spent his final days there.  I am so lost and lonely I pray that this site will help me with my grieving.   Thank you for taking the time to read my story. 
Hello again.  It will be 4 weeks Sunday since I lost my husband John after 30 years of marriage.  Today was a rough day.  what a relief I finially was able to cry a little.  I am tired of being strong.  My mind is blank of everything.  When I go to the store I forget what I am getting.  I even forgot my list at home.  Went home for my phone and than found it on my car seat.  Not a happy day fo me.  I called my daughter who has John's phone and when it went to the answering machine it was his voice I heard.  My grand daughter was really cranky tonight and for the first time I really yelled at her (she's 3).   I am very tired but have a hard time going to bed at night.  so here I go , giving it a try.  Good night.

« Last Edit: May 25, 2010, 08:03:28 AM by zxcv »

leo

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • Posts: 250
    • View Profile
Re: after 30 years
« Reply #1 on: May 01, 2010, 08:55:11 AM »
Hello zxcv,
       So sorry about your tragic loss after being married for so long...I lost my dear wife and best friend 50 days ago after almost 33 beautiful years of being together...it is not possible to tell you what is right or when to do something because each of us grieve so differently...our sadness and emotions lend to our experiencing our loss and recovery in a different manner...I am still in such pain and sadness that has actually gotten worse in the last few weeks...it helps to write things down here often...have a very close friend or family member who tries to stay close to you...try to do something....anything to distract your mind a little....I do not have a very close friend or family to help me...I hope that this helps you a little and again I am sorry to learn about your loss...
Leo

georgiapeaches

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 989
  • For mom, dad, Johnny & rock you left to soon!
    • View Profile
Re: after 30 years
« Reply #2 on: May 01, 2010, 04:22:26 PM »
Dear zxcw,
I am so sorry for your loss. I hope you find what you need from this site, it has always been such a lifesavor for me, great great people here. we are always here to listen and try to help with answers if we can. Theres never a perfect time to go back home or back to work, thats all up to you, you will know when, yake your time and take care of you.

Georgia.

Welcome to the site.
MOM                        JOHNNY
 

littleha

  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • Posts: 89
    • View Profile
Re: after 30 years
« Reply #3 on: May 01, 2010, 04:32:48 PM »
Hi zxcw; From my personal experience I think only you will know when it is time to go home and back to work. My wife died last May after almost 33yrs of marriage. I felt ready to back to work after about 6wks and I have heard that for others it can be sooner or later, all depending on how they felt. I also know someone who went back to work only to leave again for another few weeks. I think each person is different and there are no rules on this journey. I hope this helps.
Take care
Allan
My darling wife Cathy
Love you
 July 3  1958-May 11 2009

poppy

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 38
    • View Profile
Re: after 30 years
« Reply #4 on: May 01, 2010, 11:46:07 PM »
zxcw,

I am so sorry for what you are going through. I lost my husband just 3 weeks ago. I have gone back to work but am having difficult doing all of the every day things without him. Work gets me through the day but coming home and getting through the night is torture. Each person has to work through each day in their own way. I will pray that God gives you the strength to face each new situation with grace and love.

Poppy

leo

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • Posts: 250
    • View Profile
Re: after 30 years
« Reply #5 on: May 12, 2010, 05:25:56 PM »
Hello zxcv,
I have not heard from you in a while and hope that you are doing OK...it is still so soon for you that I am sure the realization has not fully set in your mind...none of the grieving is easy...on the contrary it is so difficult and is constantly haunting our minds relentlessly at all hours of the day and night...it is a terrible feeling...today is two months since my dearest wife and my whole life passed away...I am in terrible shape and do not know which way to turn most of the time...it is such a devastating loss that we all are experiencing...I would think it is good that you have your son...I  have no one to go to so I frequent this site...I have to get things out...all of us on this site have suffered the huge loss of a loved one but we have also lost ourselves in the process...and the horror of it all is that we are alive to dwell on it day after day...
Keep trying...I am...do not know what will come of it...but what else is there to do?

Leo

zxcv

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 39
    • View Profile
Re: after 30 years Really Upset
« Reply #6 on: May 16, 2010, 09:42:41 AM »
Ok, here goes.  I just got off the phone with my sister-in-law.    My husband's ashes are being buried tomorrow (mon).  There will be a short mass and service at the grave site.   John's family (his brother) lives 15 minutes away.  at the time of my husband's death his brother, vic ended up in the hospital needng a 5 way pypass.  He was out in time for the wake but chose not to attend any of the viewings.  (vic is in hs 80's and my john was alot younger) I told them I would delay his burial service so that his brother would be able to attend and have some closure.  The family would always attend services of friends that have passed on.   Today, Sun. my sister-in-law informs me that his brother may not attend but she will.  This really upsets me because every time I try to do something that I believe would be good for HIS family they don't appreciate it or participate.  They don't even ask how I am doing, call me.  I get so angry.  My friends tell me to let it go and pray for them.  We were never close so don't count on them now.   I need to do what is best for me not his family.  I try to reach out to them but kept getting knock down over and over again.  This has been happening since my husband's death.  Oh, yes, his brother I believe i still in denial.  thaks for letting me vent.  and God Bless Susan
« Last Edit: May 17, 2010, 08:41:47 PM by zxcv »

zxcv

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 39
    • View Profile
Re: after 30 years
« Reply #7 on: May 17, 2010, 08:40:06 PM »
Had my final closure today.  I was finially able to bury my husbands ashes after a month of unsettleness.  John's brother did attend the service along with his wife.  I was happy that he did that.  I gave my husbands cloths to a person who had nothing today also.  I know that would have made my husband happy.  I am doing ok, tomorrow will be a new day.  Tomorrow is his birthday. 

leo

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • Posts: 250
    • View Profile
Re: after 30 years
« Reply #8 on: May 18, 2010, 05:07:08 AM »
Hello zxcv,
It must be so trying for you with the closure you had to experience and John's birthday today...I do not know what to say...I sit here and weep as I read and reread all of the terrible situations that everyone here is having to experience...the finality of them all...I am so sad for you...I have you and everyone on this site in my thoughts and hope for some kind of better days, if that's possible, for all of us...no one deserves to go through these kinds of horrific situations...
I just walked into the kitchen and the mp3 player that I had on for language lessons was playing a song that I had put on long ago...I forgot that it was on there...I started to cry so hard...it brought back a memory when my wife and I were on a trip...I saw the scene in my mind that we both experienced...it was such a happy time and now it makes me so very sad...
My mind is in a daze...it darts from one thought to the next...many times unrelated...I hope that you will be OK...take care of yourself...
Leo

closs86

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 231
    • View Profile
Re: after 30 years
« Reply #9 on: May 18, 2010, 09:06:15 PM »
So sorry for your loss, and for what you are going through with your burying your husbands ashes and his birthday, I really don't know where we get the strength to go on, but we do.  I find it hard to understand why we have to go through so much pain and suffering, I know that you all miss your loved ones as much as I miss mine,  I had his brother here today, and my son and when they left, I was depressed, It seems to happen everytime I have family over and they leave. 
Well take care of yourself,
Karen

leo

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • Posts: 250
    • View Profile
Re: after 30 years
« Reply #10 on: May 23, 2010, 04:47:02 AM »
Hello zxcv,
It has been a while since you have posted...I was wondering if you were doing alright...I am sorry for your loss...I am beside myself not knowing what to do or which way to turn...don't know why I have to be without my darling wife...I miss her so very much...I would imagine that you  have similar feelings about your husband...it would be good to hear from you when you feel like posting...you are being thought of and cared about...
Leo

zxcv

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 39
    • View Profile
Re: after 30 years
« Reply #11 on: May 25, 2010, 07:25:26 AM »
I am now experiencing my lonlyness. I ask God to help me threw each moment of the day.  after buring John's ashes and having Joh's birthday I was finially able to grieve.  My son, grand daughter (3) and I had a birthday cake for my husband and sang happy birthday.  I started to cry, but that was ok.  I was glad that I was finially able to.  It has been a long road for me even though I know that my road has only started.  (It will be 6 weeks this Friday) Fridays are my worst  days. 
 My daughter has asked me to come visit her and my 2 grand daughters (5 and 7) in June so I am taking her up on it.  after her visit I will also go and spend a week with my son and his wife  I had started back to work but explained to them my situation and they are very happy that I am taking the time to spend it away and with my family.  They are a very caring and christian  company and told me that it would be healthy for me.  I am having a lot of trouble sleeping still.  I sleep maybe 2 hours at a time. 
I pray for everyone that has lost a love one.  We are all lost and longing for our husbands or wives touch, smell, kisses, voice, laughter, and most of all there love.  I am so blessed to have such good memories of my time together with John (30 years) and hope that each and every one of you also have the same.  Stay strong and get threw today tomorrow will take care of itself.  Trust in God it helps Love and God Bless Susan

zxcv

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 39
    • View Profile
Re: after 30 years
« Reply #12 on: May 28, 2010, 05:50:30 AM »
I am not myself today depressed and lonely.  It has been 1 monthand 12 days since my John passed away.  I miss him so much.  God please be with me today. I am sorry for everyone going through a day like mine today.  Didn't sleep well last night either which does not help. 

leo

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • Posts: 250
    • View Profile
Re: after 30 years
« Reply #13 on: May 28, 2010, 07:25:37 AM »
Hello Susan,
So very sorry that you are experiencing such a bad day...I know how difficult it is for me to try and push some of the sad memories out of my mind for a while but they devastate me so when I dwell on them for too long...it helps me to think of happy times but even that makes me so sad when I think of what I have lost and will never have again with my darling wife...I do not know what else to say...these are such difficult times for us all...I have included a link that I set up with some photos of some of the flowers in my wife's garden that you may wish to look at some time...
wishing you peace...


Leo



http://www.photoshop.com/user/fiorigiardino/?rlang=en_US&wf=shareslideshow&galleryid=cf8011b0be9643c7b58568f780920519&trackingid=BTAGC

leo

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • Posts: 250
    • View Profile
Re: after 30 years
« Reply #14 on: May 28, 2010, 10:35:14 AM »
Hello Susan,

Thank you for your kind response...it was very nice of you...it is good to know that there are so many kind and sympathetic people at this site...I hope that you are doing better...I wish that your depression and loneliness improve some although I understand from where you are coming...I too feel so depressed all the time...the outside work distracts me a little but then the nights are soon upon me and haunt me without any letting up...

Wishing you well...



Leo