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Author Topic: My introduction- an untypical loss.  (Read 6077 times)

Shady Wilbury

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My introduction- an untypical loss.
« on: September 19, 2010, 11:14:30 PM »
Hi, all.

I've come here three years out from a loss that I'm still struggling to deal with. Back in 2006, I came to 'know' a woman in Argentina through a George Harrison forum. We bonded primarily over the music, but me being in England, we never physically met. Throughout the year that I knew her, she was in the final year of a three year battle with cancer. She passed on April 8, 2007, and I'm still not sure how to go forward.

I was unable to attend a memorial or similar, due to physical distance, and I feel that this may have complicated things somewhat.

Hope to find some comfort in being here,

Shady
« Last Edit: September 19, 2010, 11:43:01 PM by Shady Wilbury »

Terry

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    • “Grief is like the ocean; it comes on waves ebbing and flowing. Sometimes the water is calm, and sometimes it is overwhelming. All we can do is learn to swim.” –Vicki Harrison
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Re: My introduction- an untypical loss.
« Reply #1 on: September 20, 2010, 09:17:17 AM »
Hi Shady,

I'm so sorry for your loss and I'd like to welcome you here to Webhealing. So glad you found us!

As I read your story I thought of the many ways one can reach inside of our hearts! It is really a touching story how you both found each other and sounds like you did for a reason. I'm sure you brought so much joy into each others lives and again, I'm sorry you are having to live without that love.

I'm sure she knew that you were with her in spirit and in heart and soul as you had been for so long. I have no doubt of that. But, I do understand the stress that separation places on us and can further complicate an already ocean of emotions.

Please tell us more as you are able. There's always someone here to listen and know we care, very much.

((((((((((Shady)))))))))))

My love,
Terry

Shady Wilbury

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Re: My introduction- an untypical loss.
« Reply #2 on: September 20, 2010, 09:48:30 AM »
Thanks, Terry.

Your words offer some kind of comfort, and show me I'm not mad to be feeling the way I do. I remain in contact with a friend of hers in Mexico, but lately that has grown strained, as if it's a great effort for him to talk about her. I don't know whether I'm wrong, but I just need to. I need to be able to 'talk' to somebody about her who can say 'Yeah, that was a nice moment...what about this time?'

There are still so many questions, and this friend has recently intimated that Chris wanted to die. Complete U-turn on my emotions. Nightmare.

Shady

Terry

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Re: My introduction- an untypical loss.
« Reply #3 on: September 20, 2010, 02:55:09 PM »
Hi Shady,

That's one of the most hurtful things we experience after a loss; others either stop completely or they don't talk about them that often. We all go through this. And, I am sorry. It's understandable wanting to share a familiar memory with someone who knew her. It's through these memories that we keep them alive. Others do not understand this not unless, of course they too lose someone dear to them.

We'll listen here to every memory you want to share. Webhealing has truly been a life line for me in that respect. Others care here because they can all relate to your feelings.

Now it seems you're faced with another crisis, of sorts...the not knowing and no one is talking. It can feel like a nightmare. I understand.

I would just continue corresponding with those close to her. Maybe someone will come around!

(((((((((((((((Shady))))))))))

Love,
Terry


Shady Wilbury

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Re: My introduction- an untypical loss.
« Reply #4 on: September 20, 2010, 10:26:32 PM »
I  hope so. For the part of me that's still deeply grieving this new line of thinking is hell. I maintain the position that if the impossible were possible, I would not know this. (If she were still physically here, and felt that she 'wanted to die', it would not be one of those things that she shared with me, for my sake.) Frankly, I think she would have been much less concerned with the photo that this 'friend' shared of her and her brother, than my newfound knowledge that she allegedly wanted to die. I don't think I was ever supposed to know that. (I know I cannot know that, but it just doesn't 'feel' right.)

laurenE

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Re: My introduction- an untypical loss.
« Reply #5 on: September 22, 2010, 08:48:39 AM »
Shady,

You bring up one of the newest issues of grief now that our technology has progressed.  Grief over a computer friend often complicates the grieving process because of the possible lack of supportive people who knew them and because of the inability to attend a funeral or wake, which offers us "proof" of the death as well as closure.  This unique issue is not so unique anymore as facebook and online support groups and social groups have changed the way we make friends and have relationships.

I hear your pain and struggle to find a way to grieve this good friend whom you have never met.  How does one gain closure in this situation, you may ask?  Here is a couple of suggestions that may help.

If you could plan a wake or memorial service for her,  what songs would you have played?  What poem or verse? How would you best describe this person in the way that you knew her?  When you can answer those questions then I want you to do just that.. have your own memorial service for her.  Light a candle, play the music, read the poem or verses, and describe the relationship that you had with her and how she brought joy to your life.


You can do this in your own home with just you and the cat,  or write it out here for all of us to "attend".   Then you could go to a local cemetary and send off a balloon for her.  If you chose to do it here on this websight, then include the words to the songs that you chose.

And yes, being able to communicate with those who knew her can be helpful and healing.  

As for the fact that she wanted to die. You dont know that for a fact. You only hear what a friend has interpreted. /This belief may be what this friends needs to believe in order to heal and comfort herself. But you dont know 100% b/c you were not there. So believe whatever brings you comfort in the way that YOU knew her. You also dont know how much pain she was in during her last day on this earth. Had you been able to see this struggle,  you may have also wanted her to be out of pain and released to the other side.  So many unknowns that you were nable to be a part of.

Last year we all lost a dear friend from this websight. We were all comforted by being able to share our thoughts and feelings with each other as well as write on the funeral homes websight.  In fact someone recently brought it to our attention that it was 1 yr ago that Kevin left us. A year later we still remember and miss our Kevin.

So sorry that you lost your special friend.

lauren
« Last Edit: September 22, 2010, 08:51:40 AM by laurenE »

sevenofwands

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Re: My introduction- an untypical loss.
« Reply #6 on: September 22, 2010, 09:07:02 AM »
SW:

I echo everything Lauren has just written so well.  In particular what she says about the "not knowing" and the not being actually there.  It must be very hard indeed for you. 
Life is a strange business, SW, a fact I have discovered more and more with the passing of time.  Perhaps with the passage of time you may find yourself travelling to her country and visiting her final resting place.
Argentina is a long long way away, sure, but you never know.

Wishing you peace and comfort.
Seven
 

Shady Wilbury

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Re: My introduction- an untypical loss.
« Reply #7 on: September 22, 2010, 10:34:59 AM »
I think I might. It would be worthwhile doing something public, because there was so much public vigil during her last week on the planet (public here meaning that many of us from the forum took part in what was as near as possible to a global playing of the George Harrison song 'My Sweet Lord' when the news broke that she'd be leaving soon.)

So, I'll do it again, if you would like to be part of it, friends.

amyluvsron

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Re: My introduction- an untypical loss.
« Reply #8 on: September 23, 2010, 05:30:34 PM »
Hi I'm new and I just wanted to say sorry for your losses. I just lost my love Ron a few weeks ago.
He died of a heart attack.

Anyways, when I had lost my brother years ago. My sister and I started this tradition we do whenever we go to the cemetery. We tie a note to the end of a balloon and let it go up to heaven. We find it a bit comforting.

The first birthday after my brother passed away we had a bit of a birthday party for him. Me, my sister and his friends went to the grave and we had brought a bottle of his favorite alcohol, Old Grand Dad, and we all had a shot and poured some on his grave. We then went to the diner we always frequented (after going to the bar) and had a piece of his favorite cake, German Chocolate and reminisced about our memories of him. I still miss him as well.

Amy
Amy

RIP Ron 10/24/66-8/07/10
I will ALWAYS love you 4-ever!

Shady Wilbury

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Re: My introduction- an untypical loss.
« Reply #9 on: September 26, 2010, 03:26:09 AM »
Thank you to all those who have offered support and ideas. I will post the 'order of service' for the 'memorial' next weekend. (Probably the evening of Sat., October 9, and observe on Sunday, October 10.)

Shady

Shady Wilbury

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Re: My introduction- an untypical loss.
« Reply #10 on: October 15, 2010, 11:03:10 AM »
I didn't want to add this to my other thread about my more recent loss, because it's a Chris-related question, and that's a thread related to another loss...but I have to throw it out here. I've recently worked out from information I previously had, and new information, that it is possible that Chris was ill for eight years rather than three. (Five of those years, she 'allegedly' did nothing about it.) However, I'm wondering about this, because in December 2006, four months before she ultimately passed, there was an all too brief period within which she was given the 'all clear'. Is it possible? If so, how is it possible? In my head, eight years results in a certain outcome...the one which ultimately was, but I thought it was only three years at first. Sorry about the wall of text, but have to get this out.