Hi Fireball,
I hear the pain in your posts, I wish that I could help you, but you have to find strength in something or someone, to help you get through each day, I know that you have heard it a lot but it is true, one day or minute at a time, and hurting yourself isn't going to change anything, I think that alcohol is a depressent, it isn't good when you are down like this, Would you think about going to a counselor, you have really been through an awful lot for one person, I really wish you peace in your heart and mind, it is so hard to deal with these terrible tragedies.
Take care of yourself
Karen