Author Topic: All gone...  (Read 31634 times)

theFireballKid

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Re: All gone...
« Reply #45 on: May 18, 2010, 09:52:08 AM »
Thanks jaxsaint/Sara Ann.

I still think back to when my father died. He was in the car with his then girlfriend, and while they were going home after work, she flipped the car over, instantly killing my father.  To this day I can't believe what happened...

Last August, my sister who felt like no one was there for her decided the only course of action to take was to end her life...  As an older brother, I felt that I should have been there for her during this dark period. And now I feel like taking my own life as well now.

I've had many people tell me, "Just forget it. Move on. Think about Africa...." My own then-best friend said to me as well. This alone is enough to tell me why there are those out there who commit suicide (suicide ranks higher than homicide).

I don't believe I will ever heal from this. And I believe now that my own life will be taken eventually (whether it's someone else or myself). Living this life is becoming so difficult now.

Mrkoolkat5249

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Re: All gone...
« Reply #46 on: May 18, 2010, 11:11:42 PM »
To Jaxsaint: 

Words cannot adequately communicate our losses.  Even to ourselves. Presently I battle my own demons.  5/17 is the 7th anniversary of my father's death.  Mom died in March this year.  Just buried my brother in law recently. 

Sorry to hear about your Joe.  I know some people who are in pain will smoke and drink too much, thinking they are not hurting anyone else.  Not true tho.  That is what my brother in law did for the past several months and it led to a fatal heart attack.  He had just turned 58.  My sister is devastated.  Widowed at 44. 

And no, I am not judging anyone.  I do know how much losing a loved one hurts.  I've experienced this twice now in the past couple of months.  I loved how you ended your post with talking about how your husband through his many struggles with life would put himself back together at night and would greet life the next morning.  Maybe you can start tomorrow by telling yourself the same thing.  Wake up tomorrow morning to greet your life.  Tell yourself that just for today, you'll be ok. 

I know it may sound stupid.  (I know).  But, I've been telling myself the same thing for the past couple of weeks since the funeral.  It's what has kept me from buying a gun and shooting myself.  That, and this forum and talking with a counselor. 

Mrkoolkat5249

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Re: All gone...
« Reply #47 on: May 18, 2010, 11:21:21 PM »
Fireball:

You are in my thoughts tonight.  Take care.

theFireballKid

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Re: All gone...
« Reply #48 on: May 19, 2010, 05:37:32 AM »
I hate the way I am now... I can't shake off this terrible feeling. I have no desire to succeed anymore.

I show up to work for a paycheck, have no passion to move up the career ladder, and have tossed out the only friends I knew. The guilt is eating me inside, day by day, slowly and slowly.

Luna

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Re: All gone...
« Reply #49 on: May 19, 2010, 03:00:19 PM »
I'm sorry, fireballkid.

I am so, so sorry. I've been going around here and trying to feel something, comfort, pity, something other than the empty feeling I have only had for four days.

But then there are people like you who have been suffering a lot longer.

Please, if you ever need to talk to me, you can message me or email me or something...I might not be much help considering I'm not in the greatest state of mind to give advice, but I can still listen...

closs86

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Re: All gone...
« Reply #50 on: May 19, 2010, 09:31:25 PM »
Hi Fireball Kid
     I am so sorry for your loss, and all your pain and suffering,  I hope that you can find strength from somewhere or someone, Would you consider going to a grief counselor or group, they really do help, I know how much your heart hurts, mine does to, I lost my husband of 43 years, on April 6, and I am finding it hard to live without him, he was me and I was him we were one.  You can't give up, I keep pushing myself, even though I don;t want to, I know if I don't it will not be good, I will withdraw, and I am trying so hard not to do that, try to push yourself to do things and talk to people, I also go to work mindless, but it gets us out of the house for a while.
    Don't give up, you will find strength
   God Bless
   (((((Hugs))))))
   Karen

Terry

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Re: All gone...
« Reply #51 on: May 20, 2010, 10:46:27 AM »
Hi Fireball Kid,

Thinking of you today and sending hugs. The work of grief is a very long and draining and most times, painful process. And, it's so important to know that you don't have to be alone through it. Let others help you.

I'm glad to see you're still posting. Good for you!!!

My love,
Terry

theFireballKid

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Re: All gone...
« Reply #52 on: May 26, 2010, 02:09:06 PM »
Just came back from Hawaii for vacation. Felt so empty at such a wonderful place.... Should have been a good time but I felt like driving my car off the cliff and into the water.

Why do things have to be this way? The only thing I know now is death; that is all that comes across my mind now. I really do not see the point in life anymore.

jaxsaint

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Re: All gone...
« Reply #53 on: May 31, 2010, 12:15:07 PM »
I'm not sure if there is a purpose in life either.  My husband was an athiest, I always gravitated to eastern philosophies.  Now I need to believe that there is someplace where I will be with him again.  That doesn't mean it comes easy though.  As to life's purpose. . .???????????????????  I think about my husband and all the lives he touched.  He was a unique and special man.  I often described him as being abrasive, but once you scratched the surface he was mush.  Both of us being teachers in the same school I was lucky to see how he contributed to the adults and children in the building.  In my positive moments, which are few and far between, I tell myself that that is the purpose.  To touch people, to be touched by people, that is humanity. . .our common bond.  This world was not kind to my husband, nor has it been kind to me, but maybe I can make it a better place for someone else.  Then I hope my reward is to be with him again, because he was my solice in this unkind world.  Hope that helps.

Jackie

closs86

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Re: All gone...
« Reply #54 on: May 31, 2010, 05:27:17 PM »
I know that my husband is by my side right now, I told him not to leave  and I know that he hasen't, I feel him with me, anything I ask him I find or he helps me achieve my goal.  I will be with him again, and we will go on together, to where ever we are going.  It is a good feeling, to know that he is with me, even though I can't see him,  I wish it was different but we have no choice, My heart aches for him., I did nothing today but go in and out of the house all day, aimlessly. taking care of the dogs, and cleaning up after Johnny, straightening out the basement, somewhere that I never went when he was around, it is like an old cave, but I have no choice now, so I have to straighten up and get everything organized in case I have to move one day, as my landlord is 86 yrs old.
Take care
Karen

lovedhim

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Re: All gone...
« Reply #55 on: June 03, 2010, 09:57:12 PM »
Fireballkid --

I am thinking of you and hoping you are hanging in there.  I can tell you are sensitive, smart and a great human being.  You matter -- your life matters.  Please take care of yourself.  I care.  I really do care.

theFireballKid

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Re: All gone...
« Reply #56 on: June 04, 2010, 06:11:17 AM »
I've just been feeling really empty for awhile. Lost all meaning in life...why bother when everyone around you is dying...

I think it's interesting that I receive more support from anonymous people on a forum board than I do from the few so-called good friends I had.

lovedhim

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Re: All gone...
« Reply #57 on: June 05, 2010, 09:51:49 AM »
Fireballkid --

You said something very interesting -- you are receiving support from folks on this board, but not from friends.  I feel the same way.  I think it is because our friends haven't felt loss of this magnitude - the kind that invades and empties our souls.  If they ever do, they will have a 'eureka' moment and think back on the things they said or didn't say to us.  But they are saying the only things they can, and I respect that. 

One of my friends, who has experienced such a loss, has been my mainstay the last few months.  He basically encourages me to do stay on schedule, keep walking through life, and take any opportunity I can to step outside of myself.  He has been right most of the time -- focusing on my work gives me something to do and makes me responsible for something other than things at home, which can wait.  It's funny how 'crises' at work don't seem so important now that I have experienced the loss of one I loved so very much.

I am thinking of you today. 

theFireballKid

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Re: All gone...
« Reply #58 on: June 13, 2010, 06:44:57 AM »
I woke up today after having dreamt of both my mother and sister. I told them, "I'm so happy you are alive".... Then I woke up.

My time may be near. I don't want to see where this journey takes me. I can't grasp ahold of reality anymore.

closs86

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Re: All gone...
« Reply #59 on: June 13, 2010, 09:12:23 PM »
Fireball kid,
    I know what you are saying about this forum, it is so good, because we all understand what the other is talking about, the pain in our hearts and minds, it is not easy, and I also have a lot of friends but only a handful came through, once everyone went back to their own life, they just forget, I guess it's not their fault they have their own stuff going on, but as they say life goes on and they kind of forget about how much pain we are in. But here we never forget, just keep coming back, I know how much it hurts, there are really no words to describe it,
Take care of yourself
Karen