Author Topic: All gone...  (Read 30057 times)

theFireballKid

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All gone...
« on: April 05, 2010, 07:50:37 AM »
Within 5 years, I have lost my entire family: mother at age 17 (brain failure), father at age 19 (murder-suicide), and now sister (suicide).

I've lost all hope and find the meaning and purpose of life to be...well...nothing. Feel like life betrayed me.

reinn

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Re: All gone...
« Reply #1 on: April 05, 2010, 10:28:23 AM »
I'm glad that you found this place. I know that life right now looks like hell, but I think you found this place and the good people here for a reason. I think that you're still here for a reason. You're still standing, and since you're here, I'm assuming that you're still fighting to make it. Use that strength-make it your own. It may not be much, but I'm pulling for you, and hoping that this finds you and make a little bit of a difference.

theFireballKid

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Re: All gone...
« Reply #2 on: April 05, 2010, 11:18:04 AM »
to be honest, I dont want to make it anymore. this life sickens me

Tom

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Re: All gone...
« Reply #3 on: April 05, 2010, 12:13:01 PM »
to be honest, I dont want to make it anymore. this life sickens me

Fireball -  Do you have people to talk to about all of this?  Any supports?  Sounds like you are in a tough place.

Tom

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Daddys_girl

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Re: All gone...
« Reply #4 on: April 05, 2010, 12:27:45 PM »
I am so sorry for your loss and pain fireball.I'm sure you know there are no words of comfort.I can begin to imagine your pain. I lost my Dad suddenly right before Christmas and similar to you I cannot find a meaning for life now.i just wish it all away and the only thing I look forward to is being with my Dad again.
Just struggling on going thru the motions hoping life will fly past for me. I would not do anything myself but the truth is I wish for anything to take me from this world.when I see news of people dying I just think lucky them I wish that was me.

Lost and lonely Daddys girl....

theFireballKid

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Re: All gone...
« Reply #5 on: April 05, 2010, 01:03:12 PM »
I believe any day now I will be next. After finally graduating from college, accomplishing many things that i set out to do, it really meant nothing in the end. I got the job I wanted...but at what cost?

I come into work so empty, perform at 25%, and go home to my whiskey (drinking is all I think of now). Sometimes when I am driving, I think about driving off a cliff or driving right into direct traffic.

Money means nothing to me. Grad school, which I had planned for, means nothing. Friends? They mean nothing. I went thru hell growing up, but to see how things had to end up...this is hell.

Tom

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Re: All gone...
« Reply #6 on: April 05, 2010, 04:23:04 PM »
Fireball -  When you get as depressed as you are sounding it is a good idea to get connected with a good local grief therapist.  You can find one via you local hospice.  They usually know the best folks in the area.  Please do use this space to tell your story but also get connected with local folks who can help you work your way out of this chaos.  btw the alcohol only makes things worse. It's a depressant and takes you farther down.  There are ways out of this but it is going to take some time.  You might want to read this story and see what you think
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laurenE

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Re: All gone...
« Reply #7 on: April 06, 2010, 06:39:48 AM »
Fireball Kid,

I've been there too fireball kid.  I've been to that deep deep place where I wanted to kill myself.   Thank God I didnt.  It does get easier and life becomes worth the college education,  the efforts you put into putting one foot in front of the other.  But it takes time and lots of support. 

Both of my parents are gone.  I have been estranged from the siblings, aunt, uncles etc, by no fault of my own.  Childhood was crap, full of more abuse.   Life has been one big pain in the butt for me too.  But I NEVER GAVE UP!      Giving up would have been the easy way out.   I'm too stubborn for that.

You are in a deep depression.  Yet you keep pouring a depressant into your body.  Alcohol will make you more depressed b/c it is considered a "depressant".   Stop. Get help.  Yes it numbs the pain....for now.    But then it eventually makes you sink lower and lower and lower, into a deeper depression where you feel MORE PAIN,  not less.   You are doing just the opposite of what you really want to be doing.

   There is a way out.  Call a counselor in your area.  Or even go to your HR Dept at work.  They have to have some counselors on a list  to help their employees.  You might get free sessions through work  (an Employee Assistance Plan).  Check that out.   

On top of many years of grief,  which can lead to major depression, you obviously have a family history of depression.  Double whammy.  That stinks.  Dont expect yourself to snap out of it.  You cant.  Not without guidance, support,  and wisdom and a listening ear by a trained professional.   If you dont know where to start,  go ask you family Dr. 

Lookng forward to more posts by you! 

lauren

theFireballKid

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Re: All gone...
« Reply #8 on: April 06, 2010, 07:26:07 AM »
laurenE,

Your experience seems similar. I have no relatives to lean on (they've never been there for my family), friends are not there and have brushed all of this off, and all of these incidents...  I really cant handle it. My days now are filled with anxiety, fear and regret.

Growing up, i witnessed my mother trying to commit suicide (was traumatizing at the time). Everyday after consisted of parents fighting, abusing each other, and being abused by them (emotionally and physically) - they drank a lot. After my father died, i made an effort to regroup and hold on for my sister. I was able to graduate with the goals I set out to accomplish: internships, summa cum laude, honorary awards, top job. But now with the event of my sister, I just dont care anymore. Any day now Im ready to quit my job or just not show up at all.

laurenE

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Re: All gone...
« Reply #9 on: April 06, 2010, 09:52:43 AM »
Firebird,

Yea I think we had similar experiences.  Your parents sound like mine. Mom was mentally ill, untreated of course b/c "theres nothing wrong with me!" . She died of a massive heart attack. And dad died of his alcoholism (brain and lung cancer).  I was 12 when dad died. That made mom really crazy and abusive.  Mom died just a few years ago.

  I stayed and took the blows for my little sister.  Mom said if I ever told my toddler sister that I was getting beaten,  mom would beat her too and I would have to watch.(I would have killed the woman if she ever touched her!).   So I took the blows...quietly,  behind closed doors, and without tears.  Before I left for college,  I told my sister what happened, so that she could be on the lookout and could tell me so that I could come back to  get her and rescue her.  Ironically, she didnt believe me.  She asked mom if it were true, and of course mom said no.  So thats part of why everyone disowned me.  Because I was spreading rumors that my mother was abusive. My sister hasnt had anything to do with me for 25 yrs b/c it it. 

Mom died with the truth. And now I am left here to go on looking like I am the family liar.  Oh well.  Sometimes sisters are sick.  And sometimes us older siblings are the smart ones, healthy ones,  strong ones.  Only the strong survive crap like that.    Survival of the fittest.   

I dont regret having that sister though. She was my fun in a house full of hell. And During my middle and high school days, she gave me a reason to keep going.  A reason to stay strong.  A reason  to take the healthy  path of life, and not so many of the wrong paths that were so readily available. 

I suspect that you felt similarly.  You had to survive in order to be there for your sister.  And now she's also gone, just like mine.   But what I also learned, once  I grieved that loss and rejection,  is that we should never ever live for another  person. We should be living our lives with a intent of finding that reason for why we survived and they did not.  For me its my faith and belief in God.  God kept me here for a reason. And I intend to keep on keeping on until He decides my time is up.  I hope you choose that as well.
 
  I have found that since I have no biological family to call my own,  I have had to make alot of effort to create friendships that fill that space.  I hope for you this as well.   To be honest, I actually started out by going to therapy.  Yea, I paid someone to be my mentor and friend.  But hey,  ya gotta do what ya gotta do, ya know?   But I dont regret it.  In his office,  I learned to trust again, and found HOPE in my future.  It was nice to just go there and dump my stress off at the door.  It was nice to be able to tell someone my deepest pain,  and not be judged for it.  At times I could barely put one foot in front of the other,  yet I could go there and not be alone in my pain and confusion.   Have you ever tried therapy?    Find someone who you feel comfortable with.  Sometimes it may take 2-3 tries but find someone. 

Like I said earlier, you probably  have a family history of depression.  Your parents were more than likely drinking as a way of self medicating it.  It got passed along to your sister,  and now you.    That sucks.  But depression doesn't last forever.  I was on a low dose antidepressant for a year.   it worked great. Haven't had a bought of depression in 6 yrs (knock on wood).  That was around the 2nd yr anniversary of moms death.   It lifted right after that,  with therapy and a whole lot of writing on this websight.     

You're a smart person.  And obviously a strong one too. I would hate for you give up so much talent just because your sister and father gave up.   Please find a counselor to talk to.  Its worth the fight.  Its worth the battle, trust me.

 Trust me.....  strange words coming from a total stranger on a computer screen I'm sure.  Especially after your sister betrayed you so deeply,  and your family and friends as well.    But take it from someone who has also been rejected by a sister, a family, and betrayed by parents and uncles and aunts.... we are better than that, stronger than that.  You can pull through this.  You just have to reach out and tell someone.

 You've taken a huge step in telling us here. Keep talking, keep sharing your life story.  It helps to get it all out.  But also take that next big step and find a live person to talk to as well.  Its a nice balance... this computer is here 24/7,  and a real person is great as well. 
Tell me about your sister.  How long has she been gone?  I'd love to hear your story. 
You are not alone.
Your friend,
lauren

theFireballKid

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Re: All gone...
« Reply #10 on: April 06, 2010, 11:48:07 AM »
My father didn't give up, another person took his life. My sister, I feel as though i could have done something to prevent it. As for God, I believed in him after my father passed...but now with my sister, I'm done with religion. I get infuriated when i think about it.

laurenE

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Re: All gone...
« Reply #11 on: April 06, 2010, 02:08:45 PM »
Understandable. 

How long has your sister been gone?

theFireballKid

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Re: All gone...
« Reply #12 on: April 06, 2010, 06:39:51 PM »
Last August. Every day since has been hell.

laurenE

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Re: All gone...
« Reply #13 on: April 06, 2010, 07:30:41 PM »
 Thats  still pretty early in the grief process.  Grief is considered "early" for the first year to 1 1/2 yrs.... up to two years if you add trauma to it,  like a suicide.  No wonder you are hurting so much right now.  You couldnt pay me enough money to go through that phase again.   

 It may feel like it gets harder before it gets easier.  At least it did for me.

What helped you get  through your grief when your dad and mom died? Who did you talk to? What did you do?  How did you process your pain?


theFireballKid

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Re: All gone...
« Reply #14 on: April 07, 2010, 09:52:08 AM »
I lost all 3 in less than 5 years...

What helped me get thru that period after my parents? The fact that I still had my sister was my motivation, as well as to prove to my parents that I was grateful. During that period, I threw away all of the people I used to know and only consider one person a friend. But now, even that friend means nothing to me.