Author Topic: Stopping by  (Read 3187 times)

MelissaCharliesMom

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Stopping by
« on: April 01, 2010, 05:59:44 PM »
I come on the board and read at least 4 days a week. I have little to offer at this point , so I dont post much anymore. We have thrown ourselves into the farm....we now have 12 black angus (1 new baby just born and 3 more babies on the way), 4 miniature donkeys, 2 horses and we have 3 goats coming the first week of June. If we are not at the house we are at the farm and to be honest we are at the farm far more often. Our kiddos are doing so well, we are so very proud of them!!!Patrick will be celebrating his 13th bday this month, Emma turned 6 in Nov., Brayden turned 4 in Feb. and Sophia turned 1 in Nov.....time seems to be going by so very fast.
I have struggled a great deal the last few months, almost as severe as it was back in the very beginning. Im not sure why exactly, I only know that some days I have forced myself just to get out of bed.
I miss, miss, miss my Charlie so very much and have come to the conclusion that moving forward is the best I will ever be able to do. Move forward and live each day to the best of my ability.....love my kiddos and when times are toughest hang on tightly and hope for a brighter day come the morning.
I am a changed person, not just since Charlie died, but even more so in the last year. I have little to no desire to go out in public. I make a trip to the store a few times a week and the farm supply place a couple times a month for feed and thats about it, besides visiting family and of course our trips and camping.
I had little tolerance for petty, insignificant issues before I lost my boy and now I have NO tolerance for any of it...NONE! As time passes instead of softening, I have found I have become harder...it must not be easy to be my friend ....and I am grateful for the few who are.
Hubby and I...our relationship, though weak after losing our precious boy has now become possibly stronger than it ever was. We enjoy spending our free time side by side working on pastures and pounding fence posts....I can watch him ride the kiddos around on the tractor for hours and see him have a real smile on his face, instead of the forced ones we often wear.
We are ok.....and ok is good enough for me.
I hope everyone here has found some strength and peace. I think of each of you so very often and can see your childrens smiles when I close my eyes.
Sending strength and peace...
« Last Edit: April 01, 2010, 08:58:08 PM by MelissaCharliesMom »

Annette

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Re: Stopping by
« Reply #1 on: April 03, 2010, 01:19:33 AM »
I always get something out of your posts, Melissa. Thank you for taking the time to write them, as I can identify with them so much. Thanks also for the reminder to keep moving forward and to live each day to its fullest. I know how hard it is, I have the same struggles. God bless you.

Love,
Annette
Michael's Mom
12-13-82 - 5-14-07

Trevor & Michael 2004 Age3

Dottie (Tammie's Mom)

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Re: Stopping by
« Reply #2 on: April 03, 2010, 06:07:02 AM »
Nice to hear from you. I am glad all your kids are doing well. The farm sounds wonderful therapudic and peaceful. I am happy you are able to find moments of peace there.

I don't post often either, I read but like you feel I have no more to offer at this point. I have days I slip back into that dark pit and it is hard at times to crawl out. I also feel this is as good as it gets. I have times of peace and laughter but I too am a different person. Some better some not.

I have a much smaller group of friends now. But I found many really are not friends to begin with. I stay busy less time to think. We all do what we must to get to the next day.

My husband and I also had VERY rocky times, we grieved very differently. But we have found our way back and doing OK now.

Sending you peace and HUGS,
Dottie Tammie's Mom

Dena

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Re: Stopping by
« Reply #3 on: April 03, 2010, 01:10:36 PM »
((((Melissa))))

Thank you!  It sounds like things are softening for you and I am thankful for that!  Yes, we will always miss our children. It has always been easy to be your friend - especially since we understand each other all too well. I can't stand the petty or the mundane anymore either. 

Your farm sounds like a wonderful & peaceful place to be!

Love,
Dena, Josh's Mom

Jeanneb

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Re: Stopping by
« Reply #4 on: April 03, 2010, 03:17:45 PM »
Melissa

It is great to read your post and all is going well.  I rarely post myself but do try and check in now and then.

The farm has been something you have talked about with such hope and now it is all coming together and what a great place to raise the kids.  These are memories that will last a lifetime and I'll just bet if you haven't already seen a little dragonfly fluttering around that one will be visiting very soon.

Hug those beautiful children for me,
Jeanne
Philip's mom forever
Bruce's sister

Terry

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Re: Stopping by
« Reply #5 on: April 04, 2010, 08:15:11 PM »
So nice to hear from you, Melissa and to know everything is going well for you, your husband and your precious children. I always love hearing about your farm and what and who is new and all of the changes that take place.

You've both worked so hard and have many dreams and you're making them come true. Good for you!!

Just awesome how you describe the farm and how you describe your marriage because they are so similar in the sense that they both take 'from' you all of your blood, sweat and tears and in an amazing way, they both give back such plentiful rewards.
Hard work, for both of them to continue to stay strong, and to still bear fruit.

Thanks for the update on farm living. :) It really is a different way of life. Peaceful and fulfilling.

I know Charlie is right there with you all. He will be, always.

You have my love,
Terry

Brenda Taylors Mom

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Re: Stopping by
« Reply #6 on: April 05, 2010, 05:02:18 PM »
((( Melissa)))) So good to hear from you about your kids, the farm, your life. Charlie is all a part of it.
Love you
Brenda

Kathy

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Re: Stopping by
« Reply #7 on: April 07, 2010, 05:27:47 AM »
Dear Melissa,

I am glad your family and farm are doing well. I have also had some dark days lately and have forced myself to do.

This morning I read the following  in my daily grief email "I often tell people that there are three stages you need to think about: You can't go back. You can't stay here. You must go forward," .

As hard as it is we move forward, life just will never by the same for us. . .

Love,
Kathy-Don's Mom

WendyRN

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Re: Stopping by
« Reply #8 on: April 07, 2010, 11:25:48 AM »
(((Melissa)))

I'm glad that "okay" has become a part of your reality......and hope that one day you can describe your life as something more.  I'm happy that the farm, and the kids, keep you so busy.  Letting you move forward with little opportunity to think about not wanting to.  And Charlie with you, every step of the way.  Beside you with your morning cup of coffee, sharing laughter with his siblings, enjoying the excitement in discovery of farm life, and in the quiet moments at the end of each day.  Always there. 

As I've mentioned before, I have the same difficulty finding tolerance for those around me that whine about insignificant things.  I find my job at the hospital hard.  My co-workers are kind enough to usually assign me a postpartum load rather than one-on-one with a labouring family (which is more demanding of me emotionally.)  I don't want to develop a rapor with them.  Even once they have their beautiful babies in their arms, there are so often still so many complaints about their new lot in life.  But I do my job.  I smile.  I care for.  I instruct.  With heavy heart and mask firmly in place.  I'D RATHER BE POUNDING FENCE POSTS!

Wendy, Keith's mom

MelissaCharliesMom

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Re: Stopping by
« Reply #9 on: April 08, 2010, 09:06:35 PM »
I LOVE pounding fence posts Wendy, LOVE IT!!!!!I certainly give you so very much credit. After Nursing school my intent was to go on for my midwifery...my passion was natural childbirth and I would preach it from the mountaintops to whomever would listen. The day my boy died...that dream died. I couldnt emotionally handle a career in the medical field. I knew that I could no longer seperate myself from situations that were tragic, I knew that I couldnt go into the breakroom, cry and scream into my shirt and then go back out and deal with a grieving family and act as if nothing happened!I am in awe of your strength and hope you realize what an asset you can be to those families who are walking this path, I wish I had been stronger!!Sending strength and peace.