Author Topic: Lost my beloved  (Read 118913 times)

closs86

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Re: Lost my beloved
« Reply #225 on: June 02, 2010, 05:41:48 PM »
Hi Leo ,& Jannie,
       Well I made it through yesterday, most of the day was spent in bed, not good.  It is a good thing that I had to work today, so it forced me to get up, get dressed and get out, I was there until 7 tonight, by the time I got home, walked the dogs, tried to eat,  it was 8:30,  so that is good, almost bedtime.  Jannie i am so sorry that you had to go through this torture twice, I can't understand why that would happen,  why can't we keep our happiness?, why do we have to lose the ones we love, and especially since we had good relationships, Why???,  Jannie, I feel very frustrated with no patience also,
Leo, my sons and I were with Johnny around the clock the last days of his life, I never ever saw someone die before, and my love, I remember his last breath,  I just can't forget, my children, his brother, and my close cousins were all there it was as if he waited for them, my younger son went down for coffee, before we knew that he was so close, and we called him back as we saw his breathing was getting weaker, Ray came back with a priest that he found on the way back to the room, just as they came into the room Johnny took his last breath, how could we ever make that memory easier to bear, i am so sick right now, I just relived the whole thing.  I don't know what we are going to do, but these last few days have been torture for me.  
I will try to come back later,
God Bless
Karen

leo

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Re: Lost my beloved
« Reply #226 on: June 03, 2010, 06:50:15 PM »
Hello Jannie, Karen, DonnaB. and everyone,
 
I felt really bad most of yesterday and did not feel up to posting...got in bed by 11:10P.M. which is early for me...was not going to post tonight but I want to write something down so that I do not go totally crazy...I am crying and talking to myself a lot...I feel so upset now...did not get outside too much at all today...stayed inside to do wash and computer things...

I hope that everyone is doing a little better...there does not seem to be an end to my sadness and depression... almost nearing 3 months ( 83 days ) and I am resigning myself to accepting my present state of mind for as long as I care to estimate...I know that I should not look so far into the future but I am...
 
Jannie
     Regarding melatonin ( it is a hormone )... please keep in mind that I do not recommend what someone should take but I am always willing to share with you what I do or have done and the information as I know it...I have taken levels of 3-12 mg only at night and about 45-60 minutes before going to bed...( the higher levels in the last several months ) for at least 12 -15 years...I have read about doses as high as 300 mg used in people and have not known any serious adverse reactions to occur when it is taken in the evening...usual reactions that might occur may be some some nausea or diarrhea, drowsiness in A.M....this is nothing compared to the >100,000 -200,000 deaths due to contraindications from prescriptions drugs each year in the USA...what you read on  melatonin depends on the site and sometimes the info is biased...
several studies have indicated that women ( ER + or women who have estrogen receptor positive cancer tumors ) who have breast cancer tend to have lower levels of melatonin...melatonin seems to work as an anti-estrogen and has been given in higher doses to women who have been experiencing breast cancer...doses in the 30 - 50 mg range have been suggested...this is the range that I gave my wife over a very extended period of time...we never experienced anything  except for me with a little drowsiness on very few occasions the next A.M...just reduce your dose...melatonin seems to inhibit cancer cell proliferation and boosts the immune system...there is more detail but I will stop there...

 Infants do not sleep through the night until they are approximately 4-6 months of age when they start producing sufficient levels of  melatonin...melatonin levels rise to a peak at about puberty and then decline there after...after about 60 years of age most people are producing about the melatonin levels of infants...

 Any light at all in the room where we sleep tends to inhibit melatonin production and it is best to have a very dark room...

I have more on this and many supplements that I have spent more that 35 years researching and taking...am always willing to share with any one who wants to know...I do not sell anything...I am very familiar with the biology and the chemistry...
I hope that I did not go on too long...

Karen,
I know what you mean about losing patience...I have been so hard on myself when something does not go perfectly...this is so unlike me...it can be something very simple...does not make a difference...hope that you are doing OK with work and at home in the evenings...
dwelling on the last days of our loved ones can be so devastating...sometimes I can not help it... my mind darts back to those events...I am struggling so much and it is so hard...
Have you driven any more? Hope that your day at work was OK today...is the weather still warm?

DonnaB...is your wrist doing any better? Are you OK? I hope that the answer is yes to both...

Penny...something else I an relate to you regarding eating...ginger root ( capsules or fresh ) can have a beneficial effect on digestion and an alleviate any nausea or upset stomach...hope that you are doing better with eating...

Wishing a good evening to all...

Leo

lovedhim

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Re: Lost my beloved
« Reply #227 on: June 03, 2010, 10:00:05 PM »
Leo - thinking of you.  Your warm personality shines through your words.  Your wife was a lucky woman to have been loved by you.  I know you were fortunate to have had her in your life, but it was a reciprocal love, I am sure.  I do wish you a better day tomorrow -- I will try if you will, OK?


leo

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Re: Lost my beloved
« Reply #228 on: June 04, 2010, 06:26:02 AM »
Hello Jannie, Karen and DonnaB.,

Just to see if you all are doing OK...things seem to be quiet...hope that something is going right for you...we all need better days, although I have not discovered anything new to help myself out...still floundering around in this heavy shroud of sadness all alone...slowly each day passes and the wonderful life and happiness that I had known recedes into the past...I know full well that it is the same for all here...
Jannie...I hope that your trip to the Cape goes well for you...

wishing you a good today and something better in the days ahead...

Leo

leo

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Re: Lost my beloved
« Reply #229 on: June 04, 2010, 06:57:22 AM »
Hello lovedhim,

Thank you for your kind words...I know that we all face such difficult times and I have tried  to maintain some semblance of sanity and move in the right direction...what ever that might be...but in all reality I fail to see much moving well for me...I am so sorry for your losses and I hope that you are faring better...
wishing you well...

Leo

leo

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Re: Lost my beloved
« Reply #230 on: June 04, 2010, 11:59:48 AM »
Hello to everyone,

 Just to let you know that I added a few more photos that I took of some more flowers from the garden. There are two galleries and the one that has fewer pictures is a duplicate of the other...this happened when I was learning to set up the site...the birds are sandhill cranes that were walking through our yard many years ago...a male and female...they stay in pairs year after year and they mate for life...they do not want to leave when they realize that they have such a wonderful partner ( my own comment and feeling...I  am shaking and crying as I write this...hoping that soon I will awake from this horrific nightmare and be together with my mate for life )...
Wishing all a better day sometime...

Leo


http://www.photoshop.com/user/fiorigiardino/?rlang=en_US&wf=shareslideshow&galleryid=cf8011b0be9643c7b58568f780920519&trackingid=BTAGC

closs86

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Re: Lost my beloved
« Reply #231 on: June 04, 2010, 06:34:33 PM »
Hi Leo, Jannie, Donna and everyone,
        I am in kind of a funk, didn't feel like getting on the computer, didn't really feel like doing anything, but I did go to work,  I guess it is a good thing that I have a job or who knows, I probably would never come out of the house. Well I made a decision, I am going to go to a medium, George Anderson, I know people who have gone to him before many years ago, and they were so impressed.  I will take my sons along with me, I just want to know that Johnny is OK. I think I will be having a busy weekend although I really don't want it, but I will see my kids tomorrow, and Sunday some friends of ours will be coming to visit, wish I could get out of it but I know that I can't.  Yes Leo I have been trying to drive every chance I get, no highways yet, just around the streets, I hope that I can get myself to go on the highways, it will make my life so much easier.
       Well I have to go walk the dogs, see you later
Take care
Hugs
Karen

leo

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Re: Lost my beloved
« Reply #232 on: June 04, 2010, 08:02:35 PM »
Hi Jannie, Karen, DonnaB and everyone,

Good to hear from you Karen...I think that you driving the car more is really good...in many areas if you do not drive you are really stranded and dependent on others unless you have reliable public transportation...it sure sounds like a very busy weekend...when do you go to the medium? I am including his URL and thought you might want to check it out...maybe you already have it...I am assuming that this is the same one to which you are referring...

http://www.georgeanderson.com/page1.htm

I wish you well over the weekend and hope that you find a little peace...

Jannie,
I hope that you are doing OK and that your weekend will be good for you...I will be by myself and will work out in the garden and I may start my room painting...it is a ceiling...I have to get started early before it gets too warm...I was doing a lot of computer work today with a new program that I got: Adobe Photoshop Elements 8...I am not sure if you read a little earlier post of mine but I added more flower photos that I took and posted to the site I made:

http://www.photoshop.com/user/fiorigiardino/?rlang=en_US&wf=shareslideshow&galleryid=cf8011b0be9643c7b58568f780920519&trackingid=BTAGC


Several dozen of the gladiolas are will be flowering in the next several weeks...now it is a few here and there...I am having a glass of an Italian red as I write this...I have been sleeping reasonably well and have been doing about 6 hours straight...I never nap but I have been feeling reasonably energetic physically...my mental energy is wallowing in so much sadness...I can make it from hour to hour if I do not dwell too long on memories of the last 5 months because the despondency hits me hard...I have a TV on in the other room to have some noise to break the silence...when I am alone and dwelling on memories of my dear wife is the worst part ...when I am typing like this I am not too bad but most of the time I feel no sense in going on...why I ask myself? again I say so many words but we all know where they lead..........

I am not sure when I want to try and get together with 1 or 2 friends...my mind tells me "not now"...I do not relish the thought...I do  not even like the thought of the possibility of going away in Sept...I did check flight availability and when you get to the seat selection part it seems obvious that not many people are traveling or scheduling ...many, many seats available...even a month out...this is not what we have been accustomed to in the past...

I wet mopped every floor in the our house this morning...it is a big job but it was about due...went to the art framers this afternoon to pick up the last two photo groups...he and his wife do such nice work...hung the photos when I got home and it all does make me so sad as I go into the rooms where I have hung them...I would rather that than keep my wife's images away...for me this is better...no matter what one does it is heartbreaking...to see or not to see...I want to gaze on the lovely face of the beautiful person that made my life so grand and worthwhile for almost 33 loving and wonderful years...I miss her so very much...I had better stop here as too long in this state of mind and I slip terribly...

DonnaB....just to say hello and hope that you and the wrist are OK...I am here frequently and am available to listen/read when anyone posts...these are such desperate times for all of us...it is good to know that there are such sympathetic people frequenting this site...

Best wishes to all for something in the "good or almost good direction" for the weekend...

Leo

closs86

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Re: Lost my beloved
« Reply #233 on: June 04, 2010, 08:16:44 PM »
Hi Leo, Jannie, Donna
       That is him leo, George Anderson, I am hoping to get to see him on July 6 or 7, they have to confirm the date for me. I actually can't wait,
         I looked at the new photos of the garden, they are wonderful, I love the birds, and the flowers are so colorful, your wife must be so happy that you are keeping up with it. 
         I also have to mop all my floors, but my grandkids are coming over tomorrow, so I had better wait until they leave, they are in and out all day. 
         You sound like you were very busy today, that is good,I love to have a glass or two of red wine also, it helps to relax me, but I can't have it to close to bedtime, because then it keeps me up, isn't that strange.  I was very busy at work, but I was in a rotten mood, I think that i am starting to get out of it, I think it is passing, I hope.
         Well hope everyone gets to sleep tonight
          Hugs
          Karen

leo

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Re: Lost my beloved
« Reply #234 on: June 05, 2010, 05:33:24 AM »
Hello Karen,

Thank you so much for your kind compliments about the garden...I do enjoy working there ... so many happy memories lurking about...she loved working in the garden...I just miss her so much and want her back...I do not know Karen...life is so meaningless...I have to stay busy because so many crazy thoughts go in and out of my mind...March 12, 2010 keeps receding farther and farther into the past...so much of my life went that day also...it has been 85 days...my head still has a numbness about it and I seem in a daze many times...nothing will be normal for me or any one on this site again...

Did not hear from Jannie...hope that she is OK...

wishing you well for your busy weekend...

Leo

Pete (UK)

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Re: Lost my beloved
« Reply #235 on: June 05, 2010, 04:47:27 PM »
Hi Leo:

Just checking on how you're doing. It's two years for me today, drab feeling, but I'm gradually making it. Stick in there, she'd be proud of you,

Kind thoughts
Pete (UK)

leo

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Re: Lost my beloved
« Reply #236 on: June 05, 2010, 07:01:19 PM »
Hello Pete,

Thank you for checking in on me...so sorry that this is not a good remembrance day for you historically...good to hear that you are getting some kind of improvement..again I am so very sorry for the loss of your dear wife Hetty...wishing you something better in your life...
I am not sure where I am any more...I  have been staying busier but I get so upset and sad so much...I will spare all the words that I have used so much in many of my posts...we all know so many words and they really do not do much...getting into bed at night releases a torrent of tears until the melatonin, exhaustion and red wine strike home and I fade away for the night...to awake and repeat the nightmare day again and so on...

wishing you some peace of mind...

Leo

leo

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Re: Lost my beloved
« Reply #237 on: June 05, 2010, 08:38:51 PM »
Hello to everyone,
 
What was today? I really do not know what any day means other than a depression, sadness and agony without my dearest wife...I try and stay physically busy but my mind is always thinking of my her...I do not know everyone....I am going nowhere fast...any adjective describing not good that you can think of I probably have used regarding myself in the past...I go from day to day thinking of her sweet memories...I do not have many choices available to me...play the game or quit...that is what I ponder a lot...

Today I went to get groceries, to the recycling drop off and went to Home Depot to get paint... I started on painting the ceiling of an outdoor room...I spent about 4 1/2 hours on the paint scene...it was very hot out there...I ran out of paint and have to get more tomorrow and should finish in about out 2 hours...while I was in Home Depot I met a friend of mine from my community...I have not seen him since my wife's death...we talked at length and he said many people have been asking about me and were concerned about how I was doing...he thought that I was looking well and sounded well...I told him to the contrary that internally I was very despondent and not feeling very good...he still thought that I looked good...I do not know...maybe I am giving an impression that I do not realize I am conveying...I am not talking to many people at all...very, very few...he invited me to their house for dinner but I declined and said that I was not ready yet...I went into many of the specifics surrounding my wife's illness and that revives so many memories...it seems that the times I have an encounter I feel that I have to elaborate on everything...it is painful and my mind starts analyzing the different scenarios that I went through at the end...I know so many people here in my community and I can't go through this every time...maybe I am looking for some sort of validation that I tried my best...I do not know...no one understands what I am saying scientifically anyway...I am thinking more of going away for a while...in September-October time...I am not going to tell anyone in my community that I am going...I am just going to disappear for an extended period...maybe time away will help...don't know but I am willing to try...when I am here I avoid people...do not want to do anything or talk with anyone...I really like working in the garden and being around our house but I want to be left alone...
I still have not returned the calls of my Italian friends in Verona, Italy...I better email them...I do not think staying with them will help much...everything is so confusing now...

Jannie ...I hope that you are doing OK at Cape May...it would be nice if it helps you a little...

Karen...you are probably not checking in because you had a very busy weekend scheduled...

DonnaB...wishing better things for you and your wrist...

everyone else... wishing something better for you all...there is nothing that I can do for you and it is such a helpless feeling...
I am so very sorry for all of your losses and wish that you were not in  so much pain...

Leo

closs86

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Re: Lost my beloved
« Reply #238 on: June 05, 2010, 09:03:34 PM »
Hi Leo, Jannie, and everyone
   My son and his family just left, I was in a lousy mood again today, and I don't want to be angry, because I am not angry at anyone I am just feeling pretty mad lately,  I hope this passes as I don;t like it, I hate the way it makes me feel, and I hate how I act, I have a miserable face on and I am very short tempered, and have no patience. What is this?    Jannie I hope you are in Cape May and you stood the weekend and are having a relaxing time,  Leo, I know what you mean, I know exactly every word you say what you mean, I don't know what to do either, I am lost I try to talk a little more, to get some of my feelings out, but I don't think it even helps.  I also avoided some people that I knew yesterday, and I don't know why, they knew about Johnny and I already spoke to them, I just didn't want to see them.  I hate this, I don't want to feel like this, it is horrible, where are they leo, I want to be with him, I don't want to be here. it is to hard. and I think it is getting worse instead of better, these feelings inside of me.  WHat is going to happen to us? 
Take Care
Karen

Pete (UK)

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Re: Lost my beloved
« Reply #239 on: June 06, 2010, 10:36:38 AM »
Leo:

You seem to be doing all the same things I did/still do. I still like to get home and lock myself away most of the time. I spent today, the 2nd anniversary of losing my sweet Hetty, rambling around a car-boot sale (flea market?) I used to come here, in Southsea, Hampshire quite a lot with her, and the memories were pretty-much overwhelming. I've lost heart today and can't see where I'm heading.  I think it's good for you to talk it out, I often bore anyone with my trials and tribulations, but they are all good friends (at least all those who stick with me). I think you are doing better than you think Leo, it takes time for all of us, but you sound very strong to me. Be patient with youself, you're working hard at surviving this awful process and I know you will come through it,

Regards,
Pete (UK)