Author Topic: Lost my beloved  (Read 118907 times)

leo

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Re: Lost my beloved
« Reply #60 on: April 25, 2010, 09:28:12 AM »
Hi Allan,
Good to hear from you...hope that you are doing OK...the dried carnation that I have from my wife's 29th birthday was just left at room temperature for several months then put in a white letter envelope and left that way for years...then taken out several years ago and left in an open plastic container...I did not do anything else and it is in remarkably good condition...a few of the petals have fallen off  and are in a stoppered glass container...I got a  few sites that give detailed  advice on how to dry flowers...



http://www.proflowers.com/flowerguide/howtodryflowers

http://www.ag.ndsu.edu/pubs/plantsci/landscap/h1037w.htm

http://www.thegardener.btinternet.co.uk/preserving.html


wishing that all will go well for you and that you find some peace of mind...
Leo

Jannie

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Re: Lost my beloved
« Reply #61 on: April 25, 2010, 02:55:37 PM »
Hi Leo,

Such a difficult day for me today (Charlie's birthday).  I have been home and crying for most of it--the weather outside is dreary and chilly, like the way I feel.   

I talked to Charlie's daughter earlier today (the first time I have talked to her in a long time).  She has been having a rough time of it also--she was so close to her dad (an only child like myself)--and she is going through a terrible divorce as well right now.  She lives in Florida and will be coming up to NJ Memorial Day weekend to close on her dad's house which sold very quickly.  I am glad for her that she was able to sell so quickly in this terrible market, but I am also so very sad to see new people moving in there this soon.  It has been so hard for me to even look at his house since his passing, and I avoid driving by there every time I go out.

I have been hanging out here all day, crying on and off, and talking to some friends on the phone whom I have been avoiding.  One of my dear friends even managed to make me laugh today, and we plan to do a short trip to Cape May in early June.  She is such a dear friend, and has been calling me all the time (even when I don't answer she leaves messages and worries about me).

Leo, my heart goes out to you and to all of us on here--the pain seems so unbearable at times.  It is hard to imagine that anything will change for us.  We all mourn for the lives we will never have again, and we will just have to live with and through that for as long as we have to.  It is SO hard and SO difficult to wake up each day feeling like there is nothing to get up for, and yet we do.  Maybe it is because we still have the will to go on and hope for better days--I don't know the answer.  Right now I know nothing except the darkness and pain of my grieving.

I am going back to my support group on Wednesday evening.  I'm not sure I even want to or if I will feel better for going, but I am forcing myself to go for now because I need to be with people who can relate to what I am feeling because of their own losses, not only online but on a real-life personal level as well.

I envy you for being able to look at reminders of your dear wife--her pictures, clothes, etc.  I have only been able to put away reminders of Charlie for now, as I have not been able to look at them and not break down completely.   I was hoping to watch a video of his life today that was put together at his funeral, but I knew I couldn't do it this soon.  It's just too painful to look at right now--maybe a year from now--I don't know.

I hope you had a peaceful a day as possible in this terrible time for all of us here on this website.


Jannie

leo

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Re: Lost my beloved
« Reply #62 on: April 25, 2010, 05:22:41 PM »
Hello Jannie,
Very sorry that you are having a difficult time on Charlie's birthday...I think that your trip and doing things with other people may be good for you...I have been avoiding other people at all costs...when I see people coming from one way I go around to the other side of the house to work on the plants there...it is so unlike me...I was so outgoing ...there is one neighbor that I talk to occasionally...her first husband was killed by a drunk driver in front of their home...I think that most of the time about 1 second in time ( walking ...driving...) could make the difference between life and death..."just a roll of the dice" as my darling wife would say...
Today was very dreary and overcast here as I worked in the garden...my depression has been growing so much...I felt so numb, crying and asked myself "what difference does it make what I do...in the garden...anywhere"...and thought I really and truly did not want to be here...my options obviously are limited...my mind seemed to be darting all over the place...darkness is approaching and I must again face turning the last light out...I wish that I knew what to do with my life...before I was very organized and planning ahead...now I do not even try to plan anything more than going to the store or the garden center or  working in the garden...I still keep the phone off...people know how I feel and they are staying away...at this point I am not planning to go to any grief counseling sessions here...
I guess I should sign off as I am just rambling and repeating now...wishing you and all here as peaceful an evening as possible...
Leo

leo

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Re: Lost my beloved
« Reply #63 on: April 26, 2010, 04:07:16 AM »
Hello to everyone,
I got to bed earlier last night...around 11 PM...only woke up once which is good for me...got up at 5 AM...so 6 hours is good...I said good morning to my darling wife, hugged her bathrobe that I keep on her side of the bed and fought to keep off the tears...I have just gotten so exhausted from all the crying...most of the time the tears just come...can't hold back...now to face another day...I sit here with my double espresso...my wife never drank coffee but she would like the aroma as I would make my espresso...during her last days I would go to her bedside with my "il caffè " and sit with the wonderful partner that I no longer have...I would give her a kiss and tell her that I love her...I can't do that any more... I am working myself up again but feel that I have to write it down...thoughts are moving through my mind so rapidly...I used to be outgoing, plan trips with my wife, organize things to do with our friends, joke around, a happy go lucky person...I liked to make my dear wife and friends laugh a lot...now I am such an empty shell of a man...hollow, numb, no purpose, keeping my phone turned off, avoiding people...it's as  if I had a dual personality and the exact opposite of me has emerged...what to do with this person with whom I am not familiar...I know that I should try and do something with my friends but everyday that goes by and I am alone it makes it more difficult to try...in a way I want to be alone and think of my darling...I know that if I am with people that I will not be able to express my true feelings...I am sure that friends would recount some happy memories but the subject would have to change to other things...for now I do not want to discuss other things...it is difficult to focus on what they are saying...my mind is wandering constantly...my wife was my whole life...I still ask why this happened to us...I know that there is no answer but I still ask "why us?"..."why us?"...I felt that we were good people always...I just get emails from friends now...some say get a dog or get away and change my environment for a while...that it is not good to be alone for such a long time...it has been 45 days since I lost her...she was here with me and in a flash she is but a memory...I miss her so very much...I have the TV on in the kitchen just to break the silence...nothing to look forward to as I sit and " wait "..." wait "...
" wait "...
I worked for quite a while in her garden yesterday...after I finished it rained a lot which is good for all the new flowers that I have planted...it is light out now...looks misty ( the way that my mind feels most of the time )...wishing that all here find some peace of mind...
Leo

leo

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Re: Lost my beloved
« Reply #64 on: April 26, 2010, 04:51:35 PM »
Hello to everyone,
It's me again...sorry to be posting again but I have absolutely no one around me to whom I can grieve much...I know that it is Ok to tell you all how I feel...I thought that there were 1or 2 people who were Ok with my grieving here but I sense that is fading now...even for some of the people here who have lost a partner it usually is in the 5 -15 years time frame since they suffered...I wonder if they have adjusted better or maybe were not as close to each other...I mentioned in an earlier post that many of our couple friends do a lot of things and travel ( inside and outside the country ) without their partners...the only ones who understand and " listen " are all the people on this site...I am just having such a difficult time in my mind with the finality of my situation...I had such extreme sadness today...it was very intense and such a feeling of isolation...I cried so much in the car, house and store...I wear sunglasses and a ball cap pulled low...even in the stores...I can accept invitations and join the various couples who have invited me to do things with them but as an odd person out...even accepting that I can't stand the thought of never seeing my beautiful soul mate, my life long partner, my darling wife, my everything...it is agony and sadness the likes of which I have never come close to experiencing...maybe if there was close family it might be a little acceptable...I feel so desperate and do not know where to turn...I do not care for my existence at all...I just have to exist for the time being...
I had some photos made today from digital pics...most were of my dear wife...I going to make a two framed collages of smaller photos and have a couple of enlargements made...my biggest problem is I go to pieces emotionally when I start to look at them...I still have not looked at them all...they remind me of the good times that we had when we  were on trips...my greatest enjoyment and happiest moments were being able to share it all with her, my one love, and see her warm smile...by myself it would mean nothing...I would be interested in how many of you have overcome such sadness and disruption in your lives? do you just try and block things out a little, have close family, do a lot with friends?  does your mind just get numb and nonreactive after a while...did you try and get away your homes for a while? Jannie, I know you said your situation is similar to mine...sounds as if you are experiencing much of what I am going through...again I am so sorry that this is your second time in an extreme grief situation...I can't imagine going through two such situations...
My wife cut my hair for over thirty years...I tried to cut it myself the other day...I did the front OK but I can't get to the back...it is getting longer...she grew most of our vegetables organically...that is too much for me to do now...the garden, cutting the lawn, trimming shrubs etc and the house are more than enough to handle...I do not have any kind of help...I did not get out to the garden today...I had several errands to do...I sent my mother-in-law two boxes of "groceries" today...she is going on 86 and is on a very limited income...my former neighbors who were coming to stay overnight this Saturday now say they will stop in only for a few hours...it was somewhat disappointing to me as they are the only people with whom I feel comfortable. I have known them for about 25 years and we have had many good times together.
Wishing you all a peaceful evening...
Leo
« Last Edit: April 26, 2010, 05:42:34 PM by leo »

barbp

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Re: Lost my beloved
« Reply #65 on: April 26, 2010, 05:17:09 PM »
Leo,

I can related very well to you. Even though Jeff and I did not even have a fraction of the time you had with your wife together, we were attached at the hip. We did everything together. I wish I had a roomate, someone to talk to in the evening. The loneliness is so hard to bare.

I started my new job today, I have no choice, it already will not be enough to make ends meet but it will help. I think I will have to file for bankruptcy. :(

Being at work helped, I even laughed! But when I walked into my empty apartment I broke down sobbing again and I have not stopped crying for more than 10 minutes since. Fixed myself supper, longing for Jeff to be standing in the kitchen telling me to sit down because he wants to prepare a new creation for me. :(

I had bought shrimp and various other ingredients for shrimp stir fry on the Friday before his death because that's what he planned on fixing on Saturday, just looking at it in the freezer turns me into a sobbing mess. :(
In loving memory of Jeff 2/18/57 - 4/10/10

Jannie

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Re: Lost my beloved
« Reply #66 on: April 26, 2010, 09:33:04 PM »
Leo,

I just read your latest post and have so much to say, but I am so tired and weary tonight that I cannot even type.  I was up all night last night and had an exhausting day today.

I will write tomorrow when I have a clearer head and hopefully get some much needed sleep tonight.

Hoping you had a peaceful night--please hang in there.


Jannie

Jannie

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Re: Lost my beloved
« Reply #67 on: April 27, 2010, 03:04:38 PM »
Hello Leo,

Well, I took some melatonin last night and got some decent sleep for a change--it does help, but emotionally nothing helps much. 

I wish that there were some words or a magic pill that could make this all go away for you, for me, and for everyone here on this site, but, unfortunately, there is not.  As for the finality of it all, that is very difficult to accept, but we have to eventually, as there is nothing else we can do.  It is very hard to accept the fact that we will never again see or hold our loved ones in this life.  I try to picture Charlie's face in my mind a hundred times a day because I am so afraid I will forget it, and I cannot bear to look at pictures right now.

I disagree with you about those of us whose relationships had a shorter duration than your own.  We missed out on so many of the years and good times and the plans that we made.  You were fortunate to have had that.  I know it doesn't make it any easier--we all want more than what we had, but it is not in our hands to decide these things.

Some of my coping mechanisms have been to watch movies (something I have always done) and read.  Right now I am watching a long series on WWII, and I just finished an 800+-page book over the weekend.  It gives my mind a rest from grief, although I sometimes get distracted by my thoughts and have to go back and "rewind" or reread pages.  I spoke to one of my dear friends over the weekend, and we are planning to go away for a weekend in early June.  I really don't feel much like going at this point, but she misses me (I haven't seen her for a while), and I know I have to force myself to get out as you should also.  I think it was you who said in an earlier post that we are perhaps doing ourselves a disservice by spending so much time alone, and I think you are right about that.  We can't "hole" up forever even though it is comfortable right now.  I could not bear to be out with couples either and be the "third wheel" in the group.  It's okay, because no one is really asking me anyways!!  I have a good friend who lives here who is a widow and about my age, and she keeps asking me to do things with her, but I told her that I would tell her when I am ready, just not right now.

Maybe you should not force yourself to do those pictures right now if it is too hard on you.  I know I couldn't do it right now.  It would be much too painful for me.  Take a break from the gardening for a few days if it is getting too hard for you.  You need to be kinder to yourself--I'm sure your wife would not have wanted you to be working so hard. 

This is a wonderful place to come to share our grief with others, but it does not compare to being in a real support group with real people who are crying and grieving and feeling the same way.  You would be surprised how many other people are hurting as we are, and actually seeing them, talking to them, and being with them is a comfort that we cannot give each other here, especially those of us who have no family to support us.  I don't know if you had hospice care for your wife when she was sick, but they offer bereavement support groups everywhere.  And there are so many others that you can find in your area if you look for them.

How is your mother-in-law coping with this?  Does she live nearby?  I was sorry to hear about your friends' change of plans.  At least you will get to see them for a few hours and have someone to talk to who you are comfortable with.  I have some dear friends who were friends with both Charlie and me who are the only ones I feel comfortable sharing my grief with because they are so compassionate and caring and never get tired of hearing me cry and ask "why."

I was able to get out for a bit today and get some things done.  I, too, walk around most of the time with my sunglasses on to hide my swollen and red eyes.  I was on the way to get my nails done earlier this afternoon, and I passed the florist where Charlie's funeral flowers came from, and I started to break down in the car!  Still so hard to get a handle on these waves of emotions that seem to come out of nowhere at times.

Leo, I hope you had a good a day as you possibly can right now.  I wish there were more comforting words I could offer you, but I think I have said enough for now.


Jannie

leo

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Re: Lost my beloved
« Reply #68 on: April 27, 2010, 06:48:20 PM »
Hello Jannie,
I was not referring to relationships of shorter duration than mine.. I did not clarify it enough:
".even for some of the people here who have lost a partner it usually is in the 5 -15 years time frame since they suffered"  I meant to say it has been many years since they lost their partner...this was in reference to my friends "here" in my community...I should have added  "their loss"  after suffered. I was trying to imply that they had a longer time to heal since they suffered their loss...  I would never try and put any kind of measurement on degree of suffering or pain based on the duration of a relationship...that is impossible to do...the loss of a partner is a huge loss period...likewise the duration of grieving would not be an indication of how much a person cares for a lost partner...everyone has their own unique way and time frame...
I feel as if all my days are so senseless...no meaning...I am concerned that if I dig too deep of a "depression hole" for myself I may not be able to get out...
I have been OK sleeping ...not great but I not waking up as much during the night...getting  to bed near midnight and up before 6 AM...I did do some outside work...only about an hour...felt very drained today...I did go through more of my wife's pictures and had to stop a few times...I don't want to put them away...I love looking at her face with her warm smile...it is so surreal...she was here and then gone...just like that...she is a memory...I do not know if all my crying is "good" as it is so painful...I have increased my vitamin C, B complex and B12 ( sublingual ) levels because I certainly am increasing the stress on my body big time and the need for these goes up a lot...
I feel like such a different person mentally...I have this heavy weight on my person...especially in my chest area that doesn't go away...had a croupy-like cough for many days...a little better today...just feel a wreck...
At some point I will have to do something with a few people...I find that I am gravitating more and more away from everyone...phones still off...almost never talking to anyone in person...it is 46 days since I lost my love...I too think that I should go away by myself for a while...maybe I will feel like it in early Fall...I feel comfortable in our home with  my wife's photos, garden, remembrances, all of her things...I still use her computer room everyday...I realize that all of the material things mean nothing at all without the love of my life...August 12th would have been 33 years since we met...she always made me so happy...it makes me so sad that all on this site have to experience such pain and agony...
My mother-in-law lives very far away...I call her periodically...mail her things...
I hope that all on this site experience some degree of tranquility and peace of mind at some point...
Leo
« Last Edit: April 27, 2010, 06:51:27 PM by leo »

leo

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Re: Lost my beloved
« Reply #69 on: April 28, 2010, 06:13:23 AM »
Hello to all,
I woke up this morning to an empty bed next to me again...it is so strange not to see my dear wife next to me...such a hollow feeling, such agonizing pain...I am so alone...I just had to start writing something down...anything...I can't keep it inside of me...none of my friends here ( my community ) really understand at all...many of the couples are not as close as my wife and I are...the guys do many things with the guys...or take trips alone for weeks...the gals go shopping, play cards or go on trips with the gals...we did everything together and I loved every minute being with her...I know that my friends are concerned about me...but I can't open myself up to them...express how I feel deep down...I thought I had a few who would listen but they are growing weary now...another friend showed up unannounced again yesterday, after I had asked him to let me know in advance if he wants to come over...I may be alienating some of my friends with my behavior...I don't know...maybe they are not worth being my friends if they do not understand...
I said in a previous post that so much of life is "conditioning" to various aspects...I have to try my hardest to condition/brainwash myself to this " new life " that was thrust upon me...that is all there is to it, this is it Leo, this is it...plant that thought firmly in your mind...you have this new, sad, painful and agonizing life...all alone...sad but so very true... if I can't do this I will cease to be able to exist to any extent...at times my mind is racing constantly in various directions about what course we should have taken regarding her illness...this one and maybe she would still be here...that one...the " what ifs " or " should haves " are imponderables and get me no where but I still find myself going that route...
I have her garden areas in decent shape now...it is going to keep me busy a lot but she loved it so much...she was such a marvelous, kind and beautiful woman...inside and out...such a travesty! I know that all on this site are experiencing the same extreme tragedies...my heart goes out to you for having to bear such pain and sadness...
Two of the large, helium-filled balloons that I got in early November for her birthday are still afloat in her computer room...I can see her big smile when I brought them into her...I get so choked up sometimes that it is difficult to swallow...every place that I go now I see her...the various stores...nurseries...her garden...the house...
I'll stop now...
Leo

Jannie

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Re: Lost my beloved
« Reply #70 on: April 28, 2010, 09:48:53 AM »
Hi Leo,

Sorry I misunderstood about the "duration of relationship" thing.  I reread your post, and it was me who  misunderstood.

I took the melatonin again last night (too late I might add) and woke myself up from a very disturbing dream involving my mother (who passed away in 1996) and another person (unknown, but I am assuming it was either Charlie or my husband) who lay dying in another room in my mom's house which has long since been sold.  I wonder if it was from the melatonin.  After that (around 3:30 am) I had difficulty getting back to sleep again, so I am wiped out again today.

I just had my landscaper here to give me a price on doing some work.  I am badly in need of mulch and cannot do it myself, so he is going to come back and do it for me in about a week.  It is very windy and chilly here today, and I am not ready to do flowers yet.  I won't do much this year because I don't have the desire to do it without Charlie, but I will get out there and do some pots when it warms up a little more (supposedly the next few days).

I am going to my support group tonight.  It's just the second time I am going.  I am looking forward to it because I think I am spiraling down a little again the past couple of days. 

My landscaper and I have known each other for a while, and he was shocked to learn about Charlie.  He told me about a man he is friends with who just lost his wife to cancer and is lost without her.  It made me think of you.

I was alone for 12 years after my husband passed away and before I gave my heart to Charlie, so I am used to being alone.  I had adjusted to living alone and was content with my life.  However, Charlie came in and changed everything, and now I am finding out that having someone to share your life with is the best thing that can happen to a person.  And now that has been taken away from me once again.  It is SO difficult to accept.  People tell me I am a strong person and a survivor, but I am tired of being strong.  I have done it for so long.

I am crying as I write this--I hope your day is going better than mine so far.  I guess being tired isn't helping today either.


Take care of yourself,
Jannie
 

 










leo

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Re: Lost my beloved
« Reply #71 on: April 28, 2010, 06:45:11 PM »
Hi Jannie,
Hope that you are feeling a little better after so little sleep...I went to bed a few minutes before midnight and was up around 4:45AM...felt tired/wiped out and went back to bed for a little while...mostly awake...
Good luck at your support group tonight...I hope you benefit from it...
I worked outside and did some errands...trying to keep busy but difficult to stay focused...took some of my wife's photos to be framed and broke down in front of the owner when he said that the photos were so nice...he was very understanding...his mother passed away 10 days before my wife...and the 50 year old wife of his friend was just killed locally in a car accident...not her fault...so many times I am hearing about all of these tragedies...when I was growing up I don't recall very many incidents...but my mother had a large family and we had many relatives...seemed like almost all got up into their mid 80's and 90's...I know there are a lot more people now...and information dissemination is much faster...but it does not seem  proportional to me...
We have a large tree in our backyard...it had a large branch pruned off a about a year ago...I carved our initials where the large branch was pruned and enclosed them in a heart...I did it with a power drill...
I heard from my friends who are coming Saturday and they are going to stay overnight after all...I must have " sounded " disappointed in and earlier response to them...
I have put in a lot of flowers and  mulch...now I have to take care of it all...everywhere I go there are so many constant reminders oy my dear wife...the plant seeds in envelopes to be used now for a variety of vegetables, she would be buying several tomato plants...I am going to have to let that go for now...it is going to be difficult trying to keep up what I have now...with the things that I have been trying to do on most days I still feel so numb and like I do not belong to the world...the crying is so exhausting...I know that I have many happy memories but even dwelling on them makes me so sad and I cry and cry...I sit here in silence except for the faint ticking of a wall clock...we would be doing something...talking, hugging, kissing, playing cards, watching TV...such a travesty for me and all of the other unfortunate people on this site who have suffered...I am so sorry for all of us...I wish there was something that I could do...
Leo

Jannie

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Re: Lost my beloved
« Reply #72 on: April 29, 2010, 04:10:11 PM »
Hi Leo,

Hope you had a decent day.  I slept in a little late because I had another bad night (getting used to not sleeping now), but my body is feeling the strain every day.

I sat out in the sun with my neighbor across the street today and had a nice conversation.  Her husband has so many things wrong with him that it is hard to believe he is still here, but they are going on a big trip out west next week.  She is overweight and dealing with a lot of health issues as well, but they are going, hoping for the best.  I find myself envying them, although I know it won't be an easy trip for them.  She says it is his last wish.

I went out afterwards to Lowe's and bought 7 different herb plants, and I will plant them this weekend.  I am also going to try my hand at some tomatoes (Charlie was going to do those for me).  I didn't buy any flowers yet, but I will get to that soon.  It's so hard to do this without Charlie, but I do enjoy cooking and use a lot of herbs when I cook, so it will be nice to have them and less expensive than buying them and having them go bad on me.

Friends of ours invited me to a "spring get-together" May 14th.  It's all couples except for my widowed friend Judy.  All the couples were friends of both Charlie and me, and I don't think I can handle going.  It will be too hard to be with couples who are happy and whose lives have not been turned upside down.  To make it worse, Charlie and I were planning a "spring get-together" ourselves when we returned from our winter vacation.  Now it will never happen.

My support group last night was pretty good.  I met a nice woman who lost her husband to prostate cancer in November.  They were married 53 years.  She just came back from a cruise that was planned with her husband.  She went with 42 other people (most of them couples).  She was going to cancel it (they had insurance on it), but her friends urged her to go.  I give her a lot of credit for going.  I'm not sure I could.  Hospice and their bereavement group are having a memorial service on May 22nd for all those who have died since November, so I am thinking about going.  Another couple who attend are having a birthday celebration later that same day for their daughter (only child) who was killed in an auto accident last July.  They also invited everyone from the bereavement group.

I'm glad your friends changed their mind about staying over.  I hope you have a good visit with them and that they are able to bring some comfort to you.

I feel like half of me is still with Charlie, and the other half is struggling to go forward--hard as it is.  Each day I force myself to get out of bed and do what I have to, but it is exhausting, and I do only what I have to and leave the rest for another day.  I am so tired again tonight--hoping for some sleep.  I have to work 4 days in a row at the end of May and don't know how I am going to manage, but I said I would help out, so I will have to force myself.  In June I hope to be going back to my regular schedule of 16 hours/week.  That is plenty!  I work as a food demonstrator and haven't worked since Thanksgiving, so it will be difficult going back, but everyone says it will be good for me, and I guess they are right. 

Have a peaceful evening, and may tomorrow be better than today for all of us.

Jannie


leo

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Re: Lost my beloved
« Reply #73 on: April 29, 2010, 07:09:22 PM »
Hello to everyone,
I am trying to keep busy and that seems to help me somewhat...however, as soon as I direct attention to my wife...photos, things around the house...it gets me to a very low point...I had some  business in a city about 45 minutes away so I had to try and stay focused with all the traffic...I had a " situation " with a " friend " today...do not know if anyone else has had this happen...first he stopped over unannounced...but that was OK because I was working outside...then he invited me to a mother's day dinner with his family, children and spouses ( 3 couples ) at their club...I thanked him and declined...then he asked me to go out to dinner another night with some other people...again I declined...to which he said in a not so tactful manner..." well you can't undo it or bring her back...you have to get on with your life and you can't stay in your house all the time"... I told him in a very forceful manner that I will be the judge of when I am ready to do things and not him and that I will let people know...I feel like a lot of people are at me...I think that when I go away I am not going to tell a soul...I really like being at our home and would rather stay here but there are too many people around...question...do any of you feel as if people are too insistent or trying to force you into doing things before you feel you are ready? I know that they are well intentioned and are concerned that I do not have any family but......I think that I could become a recluse without much effort...
I had one neighbor comment about someone who cried for 2-3 months when he lost his wife...then days later she said someone cried for for almost 6 months when he lost his wife...indicating that the longer one was more upset...why do people try and  measure which situation is " worse "...to  me they are all sad and agonizing...no one can possibly know the degree of pain or sadness that someone is experiencing...the loss of a loved one is horrible...

Hi Jannie,
I know what you mean...I have been feeling dragged out...especially today...the 2 hours of driving in traffic didn't help...things got better as the day went on though...I wait as long as I can before I turn the last light out which has been close to midnight...unfortunately, I still wake up around the same time around 5-6 AM...
It sounds as if you are trying to do more things and that seems to be good...my activities are centered around the garden and inside the house now...
I am glad that your support group went well...that is too bad about the spring get together...I know how you feel...I don't mind talking to 1-2 people...but I have no desire to be in a crowd of couples...I feel so strange being alone with out my dear wife...I have been upset over losing her and it really drags me down when I dwell on it...I still can't help but ask WHY...such a wonderful woman...there is no justice at all...this should never have happened to her...during the course of my " trip " today I saw an older couple who looked as if they were in very poor health but in my mind I thought " they still have each other "...the other day when I was talking to a friend and I mentioned that my wife and I were soul mates and he said he and his wife were not...
I really started crying today in the car in heavy traffic and I have to be careful as my eyes really blurred up...these emotional waves flare up out of nowhere if I start thinking about my situation...I do not know what I am going to do...part of me says I don't want to go on...everything is meaningless without my love...
My friends will be here Saturday around 6 P.M...so I have to get a number of things ready...I don't know, maybe I shouldn't have asked for an overnight stay...in normal times I would not mind but I will never be in normal times again...I said that I would cook dinner so I will have to stay very focused...I keep a lot of herbs growing and use them in cooking...my wife would have started planting all the vegetables by now...I can't handle them this year...I think that my crying spells are really draining me of much energy...that may be part of the reason I feel so wiped out...it will be 49 days tomorrow since she left this world...I better not start thinking of the reality of the situation because it will do me in again...it gets bad when I focus on all of the events of the past several months...there are many sad reminders around the house as well as good ones...
again I am sorry that every one here is experiencing such pain and sadness...
Leo
 

closs86

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Re: Lost my beloved
« Reply #74 on: April 29, 2010, 09:11:06 PM »
Hi Leo
   I understand everything you write, I also was so close to my husband, and we did everything together, we were never apart for 43 years, except when I had my children.  We loved each other so much,  I understand how you feel, my chest also is tight all the time, my husband passed on April 6th, I feel like it is not real, like i am still dreaming, and I will wake up, and everything will be OK, he was a healthy 60 year old man who walked 3 miles everyday and we thought we were eating healthy, and he was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer, and 3 weeks later he passed away, it is so sick, I just can't digest what happened, my brain does not want to accept it.  I hope I can be strong, He did a lot for me, I don"t know how to live without him, I only sleep with the help of a pill (ambian), otherwise I will be up all night and I won't last to long without sleep.  I am going to go to a bereavement group on Monday,. I am hoping that they can help me figure out what happened????I just don't know Leo, I am  hurting so bad.
Take  care,
Karen