Hello Leo,
Well, I took some melatonin last night and got some decent sleep for a change--it does help, but emotionally nothing helps much.
I wish that there were some words or a magic pill that could make this all go away for you, for me, and for everyone here on this site, but, unfortunately, there is not. As for the finality of it all, that is very difficult to accept, but we have to eventually, as there is nothing else we can do. It is very hard to accept the fact that we will never again see or hold our loved ones in this life. I try to picture Charlie's face in my mind a hundred times a day because I am so afraid I will forget it, and I cannot bear to look at pictures right now.
I disagree with you about those of us whose relationships had a shorter duration than your own. We missed out on so many of the years and good times and the plans that we made. You were fortunate to have had that. I know it doesn't make it any easier--we all want more than what we had, but it is not in our hands to decide these things.
Some of my coping mechanisms have been to watch movies (something I have always done) and read. Right now I am watching a long series on WWII, and I just finished an 800+-page book over the weekend. It gives my mind a rest from grief, although I sometimes get distracted by my thoughts and have to go back and "rewind" or reread pages. I spoke to one of my dear friends over the weekend, and we are planning to go away for a weekend in early June. I really don't feel much like going at this point, but she misses me (I haven't seen her for a while), and I know I have to force myself to get out as you should also. I think it was you who said in an earlier post that we are perhaps doing ourselves a disservice by spending so much time alone, and I think you are right about that. We can't "hole" up forever even though it is comfortable right now. I could not bear to be out with couples either and be the "third wheel" in the group. It's okay, because no one is really asking me anyways!! I have a good friend who lives here who is a widow and about my age, and she keeps asking me to do things with her, but I told her that I would tell her when I am ready, just not right now.
Maybe you should not force yourself to do those pictures right now if it is too hard on you. I know I couldn't do it right now. It would be much too painful for me. Take a break from the gardening for a few days if it is getting too hard for you. You need to be kinder to yourself--I'm sure your wife would not have wanted you to be working so hard.
This is a wonderful place to come to share our grief with others, but it does not compare to being in a real support group with real people who are crying and grieving and feeling the same way. You would be surprised how many other people are hurting as we are, and actually seeing them, talking to them, and being with them is a comfort that we cannot give each other here, especially those of us who have no family to support us. I don't know if you had hospice care for your wife when she was sick, but they offer bereavement support groups everywhere. And there are so many others that you can find in your area if you look for them.
How is your mother-in-law coping with this? Does she live nearby? I was sorry to hear about your friends' change of plans. At least you will get to see them for a few hours and have someone to talk to who you are comfortable with. I have some dear friends who were friends with both Charlie and me who are the only ones I feel comfortable sharing my grief with because they are so compassionate and caring and never get tired of hearing me cry and ask "why."
I was able to get out for a bit today and get some things done. I, too, walk around most of the time with my sunglasses on to hide my swollen and red eyes. I was on the way to get my nails done earlier this afternoon, and I passed the florist where Charlie's funeral flowers came from, and I started to break down in the car! Still so hard to get a handle on these waves of emotions that seem to come out of nowhere at times.
Leo, I hope you had a good a day as you possibly can right now. I wish there were more comforting words I could offer you, but I think I have said enough for now.
Jannie