Hi Leo,
Thanks for your kind reply to my post. I am so very sorry for the loss of your beautiful wife. It is now almost 7 weeks since my darling Charlie passed away from an aggressive brain tumor, and I am still not able to function.
We are both in a place that neither of us ever wanted to be in or asked for (for me, it is again).
As I sit here on my computer on this spring afternoon, I can hear the birds chirping outside, and I guess that should make me feel hopeful and cheerful, but it does not. It only reminds me of how Charlie and I were planning our spring garden only a few months ago and how much I miss our walks together. We walked every day for three miles in our community. He was so healthy and full of energy, and I believed for sure that I would go before he did.
I tried a support group this week run by the local hospice. I felt I needed to go since I have no family, only a few close friends for support, and I have been avoiding them as I do not wish to burden them with my grief. I was supposed to go to lunch with one of them this week, and I begged out at the last minute. I just knew I couldn't handle it, that I would probably be spilling tears in my lunch. Thank goodness she is one of those friends who understands.
The people in the support group were all very nice and understanding except one woman who felt she needed to be my friend and ended up completely unnerving me with her mindless and cheerful chatter. I will try to avoid her if I return.
I am sharing the same sleep disturbances as you. I am so tired at night from struggling all day with these feelings. I fall asleep soundly, then wake up abruptly an hour or two later, and my mind is racing with all kinds of thoughts. I try to force myself back to sleep, but it is very hard. I toss and turn all night, switching the TV on and off so as to numb my mind. Then in the morning I can't get out of bed and end up sleeping very late and not having the energy or motivation to do anything. Somedays I lack the energy to even get dressed.
My grief seems to come and go in waves these days. The crying overcomes me when I least expect it, and the rest of the time I walk around numb with no feeling. I used to love to cook and try out new dishes; now I find myself eating all the wrong things and not even caring.
My thoughts go out to all of us on this website and what we are going through. This has to be the hardest thing we have to do in life besides facing our own mortality, and I don't think anyone can truly understand our pain unless they have gone through it themselves. I am not a particularly religious person, and, frankly, I am a little mad at God right now for having taken Charlie from me. I question why he only takes the good ones such as your wife, my Charlie, and my husband who died in 1998 from multiple myeloma.
Take care , Leo, and hopefully get some needed sleep.
Jannie