Author Topic: Lost my beloved  (Read 76605 times)

leo

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Lost my beloved
« on: March 31, 2010, 07:31:10 PM »
Hello...I am new here and have read many of the very sad experiences...I wanted to add mine...
My beloved wife , best friend and soul mate of almost 33 years passed away 19 days ago from breast cancer...my life is so painful and such a horrible void now...I do no know what I am going to do without her...we did everything together...loved each other so much...I always wanted to treat her like a princess and make her happy all the time...we had such a beautiful life together and now she is gone from my life forever...I do not want to be without her...I see her everywhere...have been crying so much of the time...head feels like it will explode...many friends...all loved her...were in total shock when they found out a short time ago that she was ill...they have been kind but at the end of the visit or day they have their partner waiting for them...and I sense that they want to help me but I do not feel most are interested in"being around" me very long with my grief and depressed outlook...many are older and I sense the stress is too great for them ...can't say as I blame them...we didn't smoke, we ate a good diet (we thought)...were vegetarians, ...almost entirely organic...I cooked all the time, went for 2-3 mile walks almost everyday until about a year ago...she was never sick before this and was so lively...now my darn house has nothing...no meaning...I have not been sleeping well...no matter how tired I am when I go to bed I wake up...wide awake...usually 1-2 hours later and have a strange feeling...like I am expecting to hear or see something...six nights ago I went to bed and was so exhausted only to wake up 1 hour and 35 minutes later and when I looked at the clock it was her birth month with the last two digits of her birth year...couldn't get back to sleep. I have had several similar situations/coincidences?? I do have many happy memories but the feelings of pain I now have are absolutely horrible...she was only 59 and I thought we would have many more years left... now I must now watch all other couples being together and knowing that my love is gone and I can't change it...what do you do???

crnbrryctg

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Re: Lost my beloved
« Reply #1 on: March 31, 2010, 08:07:58 PM »
Hi Leo.
I'm right there with you. Lost my partner, soul mate and best friend four weeks ago. Lung cancer. Only nine months from diagnosis to when he died. And lost yet another friend just this morning. Again, cancer. It is a total shock, and you will do the best you can. Just be with it for a while. Do what works for you.
I am so sorry for your loss and understand your pain.  They say it will get better, I'm doing better than I was four weeks ago, but I have no idea what normal is any more.
It does help to know others feel the same loss and understand what you are going thru. I'm still waiting for it to get better. I haven't figured out the sleep thing yet, I wake up after a couple hours too. I try to sleep when I feel like sleeping, just to try and catch up.
It took a week or so before I could write, but I write to Jake every day, and it seems to help. Keeping all the letters in a special file so I can go back and read them if I choose. Seems to be working for me.
Again, so very sorry you are having to go thru this.

Holly

Terry

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Re: Lost my beloved
« Reply #2 on: March 31, 2010, 08:33:15 PM »
((((( Leo )))))

I'm so sorry for the loss of your wife. And, I'd like to welcome you to webhealing where I know you will feel comfort as others understand this path you walk.

You asked.."What do you do?" We continue, but not easily to put one foot in front of the other and take all of these feelings that must feel overwhelming to you right now, and believe that in time you will be able to process them, learning ways to cope with them through the journey of grief, to healing. You've taken a huge step in doing this already by telling us your story. I know it was difficult for you.

Thank you for sharing your wife with us. It helps to keep sharing, regardless of how painful it may be at times.

Always remember, you never have to walk alone.

You have my love,
Terry

leo

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Re: Lost my beloved
« Reply #3 on: April 02, 2010, 06:33:59 AM »
Thank you for your kind responses...it is now 3 weeks since my beloved wife passed away...it just seems to get worse...just want to be alone...one second I seem to be OK and the next a thought or something I see triggers me to go off an emotional cliff...I can be alone or even the few times I have been with friends... it helps me to come here and write my feelings/thoughts down...I feel that I have no sense or purpose...I do not know how anyone ever "gets through"even a little...I wander around the house aimlessly talking to my wife...we were perfect for each other...before she "left" me she looked at me and said "I love you very much...don't worry"...she is so ill and she is concerned about me worrying...the tears are overpowering...I feel so run down and tired...I have to stop for now...

flamingofred

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Re: Lost my beloved
« Reply #4 on: April 02, 2010, 07:34:49 PM »
I am so sorry for your loss.
The only thing that I can say is that you need to allow yourself to go thru what you need to go through.  Nothing is right or wrong.  Feelings are feelings.
What I always use as a guide for me is the courage that my husband had in dying I only hope to show to live.

Flamingo fred

littleha

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Re: Lost my beloved
« Reply #5 on: April 03, 2010, 05:52:39 PM »
Leo I am sorry for your loss. I too lost my wife of almost 33yrs last May. I am far from perfect but it does get a little easier as time goes on. I still think of Cathy everyday and cry at some point during the day. I did find out that at some point I had to find new things to do as the 2 of us always did things together unless it had to do with work. You are still so new to this. Time is what makes things easier. Every step is a baby step. My doctor told me to read at bedtime to help me fall asleep. His suggestion was to read something boring and dull but I started to read novels like I did yrs before. I am able to fall asleep, sometimes with the light on and book sitting on my chest. At least I fall asleep.
Take care Leo
Allan
My darling wife Cathy
Love you
 July 3  1958-May 11 2009

leo

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Re: Lost my beloved
« Reply #6 on: April 04, 2010, 04:15:36 AM »
Thank you flamingofred and littleha for your caring responses... I appreciate all...it's early morning ...I get up and I ask why I lost my Love...I've slept a little better the last few nights...some melatonin and some red wine help me get to sleep...still wake up several times during the night...got up early...this must be what hell is like...to have someone so wonderful and kind to me and  to everyone taken away from you...and you have to exist...it's 23 days...I tried watching TV last night but had to flip the channel several times because couples were hugging and saying they were happy to be with each other...during the day I look outside and remember her in the garden and I'd knock on the window to throw her a kiss...she'd throw one back....I'm sorry I can't go on...the tears are to much...I'll come back...

ak

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Re: Lost my beloved
« Reply #7 on: April 04, 2010, 11:33:12 PM »
Hi Leo. I am very very sorry for your loss.  I lost my boyfriend 7 weeks ago to suicide, and feel your pain like the one of mine. I also experenced sleeplessness and lost of appetite for nearly one month, and still feel that my world becomes empty and the space would never be filled after he's gone. I myself is still in the process of grieving, but would like you to know that you have many companies here for the journey of grief and healing, which all of us wish not to join.  Please take care and be kind to yourself.
Drop us a line when you can, and please do not remain sad all by yourself.

Love, 
ak

 

leo

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Re: Lost my beloved
« Reply #8 on: April 05, 2010, 06:59:02 PM »
Hello to everyone...it is now 24 very long and surreal days since I lost my Beloved...I have to say that I have been so wrapped up in my own grief that I have not told everyone how very sorry I am to have read so many tragic situations.
Thanks Ak for for your kind note... I am very sorry for your loss...today was no different for me...sadness...crying...I have been working in my wife's garden...she had so many beautiful flowers...I have been pulling weeds, pruning, talking to her and crying...almost anything sets me off...I try to go out early morning or late evening to avoid people...I just want to be alone...I know that I am stressing myself a lot and that is not good for my health...I can feel it inside me already...I do not know how much longer I can keep this up...I know my wife would want me to take care of myself...I just have to try harder for her...otherwise I am going to drive myself into a total mess in very short order...it is so hard because so much reminds me of her and the great times we had together and then I fall apart...I just get so choked up looking at one of her photos in front of me and am crying...that's all for now...
Leo

cecilia

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Re: Lost my beloved
« Reply #9 on: April 06, 2010, 08:54:38 PM »
Hello all, for me it will be 7 weeks..... And the pain is still bad.....Everyday gets harder and harder.....My husband was my life we were together all the time and now it's so lonely...I do have children so my day is a little busy but nights are the worse. I am sorry for all of our losses....................take care everyone Cecilia

ak

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Re: Lost my beloved
« Reply #10 on: April 07, 2010, 01:32:38 AM »
Hi Leo, 
How are you keeping? Have you started to get some sleep?
I think that you are the only one who knows when you are ready to move on. Everyone suffers and grieve differently, right? So take your time until you feel comfortable with whatever you do. By the way, I think your wife thanked you for taking care of her garden.

ak 

leo

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Re: Lost my beloved
« Reply #11 on: April 07, 2010, 02:57:02 AM »
Hello to everyone...Cecilia, I am so sorry for your loss...I hope that you find some comfort...I know the pain...it seems to get worse for me also...come to this site and write down your feelings...anything at all...it helps me a little...
AK...I had a few nights of somewhat decent sleep...but then I hit last night... awake every hour or so... got up at 4:10 am for an hour...tried to go back to bed and after being in bed a minute or two got this rush of sadness and started to cry...got up at 5:20 am and here I am...wondering what I am going to do...yesterday I went out to some stores to keep busy, bought a few things and got home about 2 and a half hours later...went outside and cut the lawn etc for about an hour and a half...after that I did some house work for a while...at 10:15 was very, very tired...thought I would sleep well...not the case...several friends have asked me to do things with them but my heart and mind are not ready...will they ever be ready??? I see my beautiful and wonderful wife everywhere...and just like that she was gone forever...do not know what I am going to do...that emotional wave is hitting me again now ...I'll come back later...try to be strong everyone...
Leo

cecilia

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Re: Lost my beloved
« Reply #12 on: April 07, 2010, 08:23:39 AM »
Thank you leo, I am sorry for all of our losses. It is so hard to believe and understand. 25 yrs. with my husband and then all gone in a second. How do we go on. I have so many roles left to play.... You see we have kids.....I hate this......The pain never ends...................Thank you all cecilia

ak

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Re: Lost my beloved
« Reply #13 on: April 07, 2010, 06:09:30 PM »
Hi Leo,  I feel like I'm choked and can't breath when I think of my boyfriend. I am bit low, today. I actually cried on my commuting train. I think the only reason keeps me going is that I don't want to leave my mother behind, thinking of the pain my boyfriend's parents sufferring.  Someday I can fake myself, but I can't handle my heavy feeling the other days. I'm sorry that I can't say anything to comfort you....


Cecila: I am very sorry for your loss. Nights were frightening for me. I kept audio books on and it helped me a little. Drop us a line when you can, and let us know how you are doing. ((((Hugs))))

ak 

leo

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Re: Lost my beloved
« Reply #14 on: April 07, 2010, 06:56:16 PM »
Hello to all...I hope that everyone is doing a little bit better than yesterday...I am going to relate something that happened to me today...former neighbors that I had not seen in several years, and had been in contact ( email ) with after I had lost my wife, made arrangements to stop in and see me today...they were concerned about some of my emails to them sounding very despondent...the visit last about 7 hours today...my former neighbor related a ''happening " in their neighborhood about  1-2 years ago...their friend lost his wife to breast cancer...he drank...became very despondent and 6 months later committed suicide...my friends told me please do not go down that road...call them and they will make the 3 1/2 hour drive to my house to be with me...I said that I was OK but yesterday and this AM were very down times for me...much crying...my friends really listened to me and I felt very comfortable relating my sorrow and crying again...it did comfort me a little...then I thought again about something that I posted earlier...what would our partners/spouses say to us if they knew we were contemplating something drastic??? My dear wife whom I know so well would be horrified...certainly we all grieve in our own way and at different speeds...who knows for how long...people here have stated previously there is no "right  or wrong  way"...that is true...if I was the first to "go" I would never want my beloved wife to do anything to harm herself or make herself so unhappy that she would cause a serious health problem for herself...I love her so very much and always will...the way I feel now is not having any purpose in life and so sad most of the time that I feel sometimes my heart can't take it any longer...that is OK and I am certain that I will have MANY, MANY more down days...but please "talk" to your partner and ask them how they feel about the "Lonely Road" you are taking...for all of us it is a road that we must journey on alone , unfortunately...I hope that each day will be slightly better than the one before for all of us and that everyone here is able to find some peace of mind...our loved ones are gone and that we can't change...I did work in my wife's garden again early today, talked to her, cried for her and asked for her help...her flowers are so beautiful... just as she was her whole life...she is the flower of my  life...and will always be...
goodnight everyone ...
your friend in grief
Leo