Author Topic: Lost my beloved  (Read 76606 times)

ks115

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Re: Lost my beloved
« Reply #30 on: April 11, 2010, 08:57:26 PM »
Leo, I'm so sorry for your lost. Two weeks ago my wife of 23 years passed away right before my eyes after losing her three years battle with lung and spinal cancer. In those three years we tried to make the best of it by traveling and going to Broadway plays. I thought maybe she can beat it but last month she was having more trouble breathing. It was horrible to she her lose weight and being tired all the time. Then on a Saturday morning I rushed her to hospital and the doctors took CAT scan and revealed to us it didn't looked good.
My best friend in the world is gone and a minute doesn't go by without me thinking about her. I miss her terribly. And like you I feel cheated because she was only 57 years old. I keep thinking "It's not fair". And yes, I cried and I know I'll cry some more but I know I have to move on. If by any chance she's looking down at me she probably say to me every it is ok, please don't cry. I know it's silly be somehow it make sense.
She went through so much pains and tears and now she's at peace. I just try to think of the good times and there were many. Yet it too soon to fight the tears, but I'm getting better at it.
Tomorrow I go back to work and I don't want my co-workers to feel pity on me but I know that's what gonna happen. I might as well get it over with. I think maybe some of my co-workers will avoid me because nobody want to think about if they lost a love one, how will they take it.
It's tough, moving on.
But you what help is family and friends supports. I get visit, phone calls and emails with supports from friends and family. You gotta talk your griefs over with your family and friends. Share it! It's a long road my friend, but we'll get over this because it's what our passed loved one is counting on.   

leo

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Re: Lost my beloved
« Reply #31 on: April 12, 2010, 05:36:45 AM »
Hello everyone,
Here I go writing again...it has been 31 days since I lost my beautiful and darling wife...I get so choked up thinking about it...it is also 31 days since I lost my life...I am just a shell of a man now...I used to be very, very cheery and upbeat...making my dear wife smile so much...joking with her...hugging her...she fit so perfectly in my arms...now all gone...I cling to the wonderful memories...trying to keep them fresh...it seems so long ago...oh what to do...where to go...will it just be writing everyday? We loved all types of music so much but 31 days ago truly was "The day the music died"...we liked the song "American Pie"...starts out...

A long, long time ago...
I can still remember
How that music used to make me smile.
And I knew if I had my chance
That I could make those people dance
And, maybe, they'd be happy for a while.
.....
.....
But something touched me deep inside
The day the music died.


Slept better last night...have been avoiding the red wine which I like so much...I hurry into my computer room in the AM and look forward to coming to this site...I like "talking" to you all...thank you Tom G. for having made this wonderful site available... I feel here I can open up more to you people because you understand so much of what is going on with our grief and sorrow...most of my friends , I believe , do not want to hear the constant grief and despondency...can't blame them at all...I have some friends who have lost a spouse and they are much more understanding and tolerant...I find the women almost always are much more feeling...I can "feel" the emotion/sympathy, that they give off...the men, even ones that have lost a loved one, do not seem to want to broach the subject much...may ask how am I doing but no more really...they seem very stoic, do not show any outward emotion and want to move on to another subject or say "hang in there"...I know we all grieve differently...no right or wrong way...so much of what we do or how we feel is a product of how we are conditioned so early in life...boys should do or not this or that ...girls should etc...I have some digital photo frames that I turned off last night after having them run constantly for the last month...the many images of my dear wife are so good to see but are making me so emotional every time I walk by them...I do not know if it is good all the time...the "stress effect"...I thought that maybe if I keep them off for a while...I feel so terribly strained inside...have developed a little "croupy" cough... feel so worn out...I want to work in her garden today...going to be warm and sunny again...I still listen for her footsteps every so often...waiting to see her smiling face come around the corner to my computer room in the morning...gone forever now...I am driving myself crazy...

Hi Jannie...thank you for your understanding response...I can only try to imagine how you feel...again I am so sorry for your loss...try to write often...it seems to help a little to "get the thoughts out of your head"...I think that not saying anything and keeping all of our thoughts/emotions "bottled up" is not good...who knows...I am keeping my cell phones off again today...I have told some of my friends that I will get back to them when and if I ever feel like doing something with them...I find that I am being more reclusive everyday...I hope that you have a better day today...

Hello ks115...welcome to the site and I am very sorry that you lost your dear wife of 23 years...my wife was 59...I hope at some time you can have find a little peace of mind...I know that for me it will never, never be the same...I wish you well...come back here often and let us know how all is progressing...
I have gone on long enough...
Your friend in grief,
Leo

leo

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Re: Lost my beloved
« Reply #32 on: April 12, 2010, 02:57:31 PM »
Hello to everyone,
I seem to be edging my way through another day...not a good one but it is another day...I did buy some flowers for my dear wife's garden...it was strange buying the flowers by myself...we would normally go together and I would look around the garden center and see her with her beautiful face and hair as she was taking notice of all the flowers...I did not plant any flowers yet...she would know exactly where everything would do well...I hope that I bought the right ones...did more weeding...will the weeds ever end? Friends again stopped over on two occasions today unannounced...they are concerned that I am not doing well...I know that they mean well but I would like to know in advance if they are coming over...I think that I will not answer the door from now on if they have not given me advance notice...it would be best to tell them to let me know but I do not want to hurt their feelings...I am still keeping my cell phones off...it has been extremely quiet on this site yesterday and today...hope that you all are doing OK...I have not eaten much today...I better have something now...

your friend in grief,
Leo

Jannie

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Re: Lost my beloved
« Reply #33 on: April 12, 2010, 03:16:28 PM »
Leo,

I continue with this thread because I feel that your pain so mirrors my own.  We seem to be doing the same things to cope except that I have not given up the wine yet (although I should because I know it is not helping me to sleep).

I got out a little today and did some things that I had to do.  I just came back from an hour of walking, and the tears were spilling down my face as I walked, but I needed to get out and walk as I am used to doing that (although it is very hard not to have Charlie to walk with).  I met one of my neighbors in the grocery store today whom I have not seen since Charlie passed, and I started to cry in the dairy aisle as he expressed his condolences to me.  I had to pick up a box of tissues and open them even though I did not need them (if it's one thing I have enough of at home, it's tissues!!), but it seems I never have one when I need it!

I finally started to pick up the phone today as I could tell that my brother-in-law was getting nervous that he could not get me.  He has been calling all weeked on my house phone and my cell phone, so I felt I'd better talk to him. 

I know what you mean about the pictures.  I have put away absolutely EVERYTHING that reminds me of Charlie because it hurts too much to even look at it.  I was forced to deal with the clothing issue early on because his house is being sold, and his daughter needed to clean it out.  We were living together here in my house, but he lived only two doors down from me, so he went home to shower and change all the time.

Leo, I don't know how long we have to endure this "acute pain" and when or if we will begin to feel better, but I do know from experience that we have to go on because there is very little else we can do.  I don't even remember feeling this pain when my husband died (12 years ago), but then I was forced to go back to my full-time job a week after it happened, and I had to take care of my dad who had Alzheimer's.  Now the situtation is so much different.  I am retired with no responsibilities other than myself, and I have a lot more time to think and grieve.  I am 60 years old and wonder what I am supposed to do with the rest of my life.  I know I cannot just sit around here and feel sorry for myself, but for now that it all I feel like doing. 

Tonight will be 7 weeks since Charlie drew his last breath around 10:45 pm.   I remember it like it was just  yesterday.

It looks like you post early in the morning, so I hope you had a restful night.

Your friend in pain,
Jannie

leo

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Re: Lost my beloved
« Reply #34 on: April 12, 2010, 07:31:44 PM »
Hi Jannie,
Thank you for the reply...I am sorry that you are having all these unwanted emotional experiences...It is so sad that we have to endure all this pain and suffering...I do not know where it will go or for how long we must endure it...everyday is one day too long for me...I did sleep a little better without the wine the last few nights...I do not know if skipping the wine helped...I do not know what to say anymore...I still keep several pictures of my wife out...but the digital frames with photos of our trips make me very sad...you are right about moving on...we have no choice and that is the finality of it all...I hope that you can do a little better each day...try...I know that is what all my friends tell me...there are quite a few that are concerned...5 or 6 of them have lost spouses in the last 5-15 years... they seem OK externally but who know what is in their minds...one of my friends lost her husband 8 years ago...she said that they did everything together...she says that he was the love of her life and thinks of him everyday...she did remarry a few years ago... I do not know...what is "right" for one person may not be for another...I am going to plant the flowers, that I bought today, in my wife's garden tomorrow...
Take care for now and I hope that you sleep better...
your friend in grief,
Leo

Jannie

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Re: Lost my beloved
« Reply #35 on: April 13, 2010, 04:54:28 PM »
Hi Leo,

Hope you had a better day than I did.  I have been doing my income taxes all day (no choice at this late date)!  I ran into some glitches in the state portion of the software program (Turbo Tax) that I use, so I had to go back in and fix it.  When I finally was ready to print, I was out of ink (naturally), so I actually ran out to Staples in the same sweats I slept in last night.  I never even got dressed today.  The weather here is dreary, just the way I feel.

I have been crying on and off again all day--in between getting my taxes done.  At times, I am distracted by the demands of daily life, then I remember how good life was just a few short months ago and how those demands didn't seem to make me crazy like they do now.  I have very little patience for anything or anyone these days.

I can't seem to function the way I used to--don't really care either.  I was always so organized, now I don't even care about anything unless I absolutely MUST do it.

I am and have always been a movie buff, so I watch a lot of movies from Netflix to keep my mind occupied when I can't sleep at night.  Last night was another bad one--finally fell asleep around 4:30 am (I think) after watching a movie until 3:00 am.

I know that I cannot keep this up and that I will have to try and get back to some kind of a normal existence at some point, but for now my comfort zone is to do what I am doing. 

Have you considered a support group?  I did attend one last week, and it is helpful to know that there are others out there who are suffering as much as we are.

I miss Charlie so much that at times I think I am going out of my mind.  I will never find another that will measure up to him.

Your friend in grief,
Jannie




leo

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Re: Lost my beloved
« Reply #36 on: April 13, 2010, 06:04:34 PM »
Hi Jannie,
Sorry to hear about your trying day with taxes and sleep...I did sleep better last night...six hours...woke up once...did not look at the clock...skipped the wine again...I do feel a little better physically when I get some sleep...I do not do better emotionally at all...it seems to be getting worse for me...we all do ourselves a disservice without sleep or a good diet...I know it is preaching but I feel it can make me function better in this life that was forced on me...I still do not know what to do or how to react...I do not think anything makes a real difference...I am just waiting...waiting...today I planted many of the flowers that I bought yesterday...salmon colored impatiens in the front yard...my wife liked that color very much...I think of my wife so much anyway and every time I look at  any flower anyplace...she will always be my most beautiful flower...I want to be with her so much...I planted some vibrant red phlox in the back yard...spent about 2 1/2 hours outside...so much more to do...very sunny and warm out today...I was tempted to stay up and watch TV at about 11:15 last night but the liquid melatonin takes hold fast...got in bed and really hate to turn the last light off...told my wife that I love her very much...cried and fell off to sleep...I have not considered a support group for now...I find this site has helped me some...being able to express my feelings to you all who have had such tragic situations...I feel that everyone here understands what we all are experiencing...try to get some rest...it will help some...be good to yourself...I am sure that Charlie would want it that way...
good night for now...
your friend in grief,
Leo

cecilia

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Re: Lost my beloved
« Reply #37 on: April 13, 2010, 11:44:03 PM »
Here i am again not sure what to write. This is still so unreal..Yesterday was a very bad day...Today I got up and tried to keep busy..I talked on another site that is wonderful. we told each other funny stories about our spouse...It was nice and sad....Coming to these sites help so much....I don't know if i would make it thru the day without going to the sites. this place and otrib.com are wonderful.....thank you all......cecilia

leo

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Re: Lost my beloved
« Reply #38 on: April 14, 2010, 04:41:17 PM »
Hello,
 I am back again today...had another unannounced visitor just as I was about to fix something to eat...he was here about an hour...seemed to try and get me to do most of the talking...I understand clearly what people are trying to do...I asked him to please let me know in advance when he wants to come over...I almost feel as if I am being smothered with so much kindness...I know that they mean well and are concerned about me...has anyone else here felt that too many people are coming at them?
I went and bought more flowers, some begonias and gerber daisies ( bright yellow )...I put several bags of mulch down in some of the garden areas...I talk to my wife...pull more weeds...rake...there is so much to do...weather has been very warm and sunny...I am not sure if I can do all the outside and the inside of the house...hope that  everyone here is doing OK...I am just existing...friends have asked me to do things with them but to me it is so meaningless without my dear wife...so I decline...nothing more to say so I will close and wait...
your friend in grief,
Leo

Jannie

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Re: Lost my beloved
« Reply #39 on: April 14, 2010, 06:42:57 PM »
Hi Leo,

Yes, I know what you mean about well-meaning friends.  I don't like it when people come to see me unannounced either!  They should understand that we are not always up to their visits, well-meaning as they may be.

Leo, I commend you more than you can imagine for your efforts to keep up with your wife's garden.  I keep looking at things outside whenever I go out and have no interest in doing anything about it right now.  I remember the beautiful yellow marigolds, the impatiens, and roses we had last year, and it makes me so sad to know that it will not be this year because I don't care to do it without Charlie.

I bought some melatonin today to help me sleep.  I have been taking Tylenol PM for a long time to help me sleep, but I have been told that it can be damaging to the liver, so I decided to stop taking it.  I know that you mentioned that you take it also, so I will try it tonight.

I know what you mean about doing things with friends--it's not the same, and our hearts are really not into it.  It's safer and more comfortable being home alone with our grief and misery right now.

Today is the first day that I managed not to cry--maybe because I was busy doing things all day that needed to be done.   I can't say that I think it is getting better because I did not cry.  I know it will be a LONG time before it gets any better, but I guess at some point we have to accept "what is" and deal with it!

Hope you had a restful night.

Your friend in grief,
Jannie

leo

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Re: Lost my beloved
« Reply #40 on: April 15, 2010, 04:48:28 AM »
Hello to all,
I have survived another day of my meaningless and empty existence...it is light out now so I think I will go work in her garden now before too many people are about and before it starts to get too warm...slept reasonably well...I think the outside work is helping...these days are so empty...it has been 34 days since she "left'...can't stop the time or go back...it is all receding into the past so fast...I see her all around the house and outside...her warm smile, her throwing me a kiss...and then "something" dictated that it was enough and that she must leave her life with me...that all was too good and wonderful and we should not have this wonderful kind of existence...maybe we should be punished for being so much in love...do not know how so many of you have survived even for a year...I still feel so worn out even with 6 1/2 hr of sleep...I come here to see how everyone is doing and to put down my thoughts in a rather mindless, rambling fashion...
wishing well and peace to Allan, Annette, Ak, Cecilia, FlamingoFred, ks115, Holly, Jannie, Terri and Terry...hope that you all are doing reasonably well...I am so sorry for all of your losses and pain...
your friend in grief,
Leo

Jannie

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Re: Lost my beloved
« Reply #41 on: April 15, 2010, 03:55:51 PM »
Hello to all,

Another day, and nothing much changes.  I took melatonin last night (a low dose), but it did not seem to help much.  I was still awake at 3:30 am watching a movie, but I did fall asleep earlier for about 2 hours, so...........guess that didn't help.

I did manage to color my hair this morning (for who, I don't know), go to Target this afternoon for a few things, then came back home and walked with a friend of mine for a bit.  She quit on me, so I walked some more by myself (a lonely walk since I miss walking with Charlie), but I know I have to keep doing it for my own sake, and I know he would have wanted me to.

A friend of mine who lives in Florida and usually comes up to visit family and friends (including me) in the summer told me last night that she is planning a trip in July.  I told her not to include me this time because I am not up to having company and having to entertain them.  I guess it was not nice of me, but I just can't handle it.  She said she understood and doesn't want to impose on me.  I find myself being very honest with people these days because I do not want to do anything that I don't want to.  They will just have to understand and deal with it.

Leo, I don't know why our beautiful partners were taken from us--I too question the reasons.  I know that I am a good person, and I believe you are as well, so I don't think we are being punished for anything.  I like to think that it was just their time to leave us, and there is nothing we could do or could have done to change that.  Our ultimate fate is not in our hands.  If it is not too painful for you to tell me, how long was your wife ill?

Keep up with your wife's garden--I'm sure she would have wanted you to, and it is good therapy for you as well, as walking is for me. 

I know how you feel about "just existing."  I am feeling the same way.  It's hard to think about going forward, I guess we just have to take it one day at a time. 

A good night to all,
Jannie


littleha

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Re: Lost my beloved
« Reply #42 on: April 15, 2010, 06:05:05 PM »
Hi Leo
April 3rd I posted a reply to this thread you started. I read it again for the first time. Strange how you are now helping me through this difficult time. I read the words I wrote to you.
Thank you for helping me at this time. Very few people see the pain that I am in. It is something that is inside me that does not come out unless I am alone at home or with a select few people. That would be my 2 sons, Cathy's mom, and Cathy's best friend for over 35yrs. To everyone else I seem normal. If they only knew.
I understand  the pain you are going through and being able to help others at the same time. I guess that is why we are all here, to help one another when we can.
Thank you Leo
Allan
« Last Edit: April 15, 2010, 06:14:11 PM by littleha »
My darling wife Cathy
Love you
 July 3  1958-May 11 2009

leo

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Re: Lost my beloved
« Reply #43 on: April 15, 2010, 08:53:09 PM »
Hi Jannie,
Hope this finds you doing a little better...what dose of melatonin did you take? Of late I have been taking in the 9-10 mg range which is reasonably high...if you take too much you will wake up the next morning and just feel a little groggy...not much...simply lower your dose...if it does not seem to be working go up 1-3 mg...by the time most adults reach 60 years old they are not producing much melatonin in their pineal gland ( very small, about the size of a kernel of corn,,, located in the center of the brain )...levels start dropping off right after puberty...most babies don't sleep through the night  until they are around 6 months old because they are not producing much melatonin...there are capsules ( usually 1-3mg ) and there are tablets...I take caps about 30-45 minutes before I go to bed...I take a liquid sometimes...much faster acting...drops under tongue or a spray into your mouth...with the liquid some people experience much more vivid dreams...I have never read about any bad side effects and I am very familiar with melatonin and its actions...
Sounds as if you are doing a little more...that's good...I know what you mean about visitors...I have good friends who are stopping by here next week on their way home from their vacation...I am not asking them to stay over...it is all that I can muster up to see them for a few hours...do not know why I said yes...they are good friends and I did not want to hurt their feelings...don't know where I am going...sometimes in a fog...
I spent about 4 1/2 hours in my wife's garden ( 2 1/2 AM and 2 PM ) plus went to a couple flower places that were favorite stops for my dear wife...bought more flowers ( zinnias and more impatiens ) and more mulch...even with all that outside work and going to the store it was a very down day for me...cried so much...in the car ...in the store...in the garden... I have been wearing sunglasses and a baseball type cap pulled low...my life has changed forever...and certainly not for the better...I feel so all alone yet I do not want to see people for the most part because I know that most of them have no idea what I am experiencing...some will say " you are looking better " or " you seem to be doing better "...as Allan said in the previous reply "they have no idea what is going on inside me" especially most of the men...that is why I like to write here because I can say what I am feeling exactly and everybody here understands...I have only one person to whom I am comfortable "opening up" my feelings... I am not tired in the least even after a very busy day and it is late...

Wishing everyone here well and hoping that you all have a better day tomorrow and experience a little more peace and a little less sorrow...

ALLAN...I am happy that I could give you a little positive support...you helped me when I first "came on"...we have to keep trying...I will touch base with you again...

your friend in grief,
Leo

Jannie

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Re: Lost my beloved
« Reply #44 on: April 16, 2010, 04:02:56 PM »
Hi Leo,

Thanks for the advice about the melatonin.  I bought 3 mg. tablets--I know that's a pretty low dose, but I decided to start there.  I read about it before I bought it, so I know there are few side effects except for the bad dreams.  I have so many of those (without taking anything), so I am not worried about that.  I seem to focus on images of Charlie's last days when he was so sick, but I experienced that with my husband as well for a long time.

Bad day today for me.  Since the weather was much cooler and not very nice, I decided it was a good day to clean my house which I have been avoiding for some time now.  Well, I didn't get too far--a little dusting and "windexing", and washing bathroom rugs.  Then I had a meltdown while I was working.  I left the can of Lemon Pledge and cleaning rags sitting where I left them until tomorrow.  I just couldn't do it all today.  I spent most of the afternoon crying and wailing at Charlie for leaving me.  I know he didn't want to leave me, and I hate myself for blaming him, but I can't help it.  It's just so unfair--we were so happy and had so much to look forward to.  Did I mention that he got sick and was diagnosed with the brain tumor while we were on vacation for the winter?  He never even made it back home to die.  He died at his daughter's home in Florida with me there.

You should post a picture of your garden on here--it sounds so beautiful.  I give you so much credit for keeping up with it for your beautiful wife and for yourself as well.  I keep looking at my yard and wishing I had the ambition to do something about it, but it is still early here in the Northeast, and I am hoping that I will feel more like doing something about it in a few weeks.  It's just so hard and not much fun to do the work by myself.

Hope you and everyone here has a good night. 

Jannie