Author Topic: Lost my beloved  (Read 76610 times)

cecilia

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Re: Lost my beloved
« Reply #15 on: April 07, 2010, 08:28:07 PM »
Thank you all for your support...I am a little better now... I can't think of any future... i am just trying to make it thru the day. I don't understand and still can't believe. any of this....denial  works better...I know i don't have a choice but to live because i have small children. But it's not really living.  It's going thru the motions.......I am so pissed. I need him back with me. Sorry to all.........................cecilia

leo

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Re: Lost my beloved
« Reply #16 on: April 08, 2010, 03:56:21 AM »
Hi Cecilia, I hear what you are saying and I am experiencing most of the same feelings...I had such a beautiful person snatched from our very wonderful life...every single thing seemed perfect...now I am going through the motions...I do not know what to do and I want her back...friends try to comfort me but most have never suffered the loss of a spouse that was loved so much...now I am wandering aimlessly in this other world of unfortunate grieving souls...I try not to go back and say "what if "...it is an unknown that does not get me anyplace...come back here and write something no matter how little...everyone here understands and is willing to "listen"...we are all in this together and it was not of our own choosing...keep trying no matter how little...as soon as it there is a little more light outside I am going to work in "her garden"...I have so much to do there...oh the tears...
your friend in grief,
Leo

cecilia

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Re: Lost my beloved
« Reply #17 on: April 08, 2010, 02:57:34 PM »
Thank you all. I am stuck on what if's and why.....He was only 40.. we had so much planned.Today is not a good day. I don't see it getting any better.Why did he leave us? Why ?
I no no=one can answer but i'm going crazy with thoughts today....How I miss him. he was my bestfriend. sorry to all........................................cecilia

leo

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Re: Lost my beloved
« Reply #18 on: April 09, 2010, 10:49:09 AM »
Hello to all...do not know where this is going...my head has been aching a lot...sadness and sorrow seem to be intensifying more and more each day...feel overwhelmed...I talk to my wife a lot...friends want to do things but I just want to be alone...like everyone here we had so many plans and just like that she is gone and everything else has vanished...and I am powerless to do anything about it...I come here and write down my feelings but nothing really changes...I know that I have said ask your partner how she/he feels about the lonely road that we are all taking and what we are doing to ourselves...but after that nothing really changes no matter what anyone says when they try and console us...I don't know what to say anymore...I did not get out to work in her garden this AM...I got to bed very late and am tired today...it is 28 days today since my beautiful wife left this world...and here I sit alone...maybe tomorrow will be a little bit better...
I hope that AK, Allan, Cecilia, FlamingoFred, Holly, Terry and everyone else are doing OK and find a little peace sometime...
your friend in grief,
Leo

Jannie

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Re: Lost my beloved
« Reply #19 on: April 09, 2010, 01:40:41 PM »
Hi Leo,

Thanks for your kind reply to my post.  I am so very sorry for the loss of your beautiful wife.  It is now almost 7 weeks since my darling Charlie passed away from an aggressive brain tumor, and I am still not able to function.

We are both in a place that neither of us ever wanted to be in or asked for (for me, it is again). 

As I sit here on my computer on this spring afternoon, I can hear the birds chirping outside, and I guess that should make me feel hopeful and cheerful, but it does not.  It only reminds me of how Charlie and I were planning our spring garden only a few months ago and how much I miss our walks together. We walked every day for three miles in our community.  He was so healthy and full of energy, and I believed for sure that I would go before he did.

I tried a support group this week run by the local hospice.  I felt I needed to go since I have no family, only a few close friends for support, and I have been avoiding them as I do not wish to burden them with my grief.  I was supposed to go to lunch with one of them this week, and I begged out at the last minute.  I just knew I couldn't handle it, that I would probably be spilling tears in my lunch.  Thank goodness she is one of those friends who understands. 

The people in the support group were all very nice and understanding except one woman who felt she needed to be my friend and ended up completely unnerving me with her mindless and cheerful chatter.  I will try to avoid her if I return.

I am sharing the same sleep disturbances as you.  I am so tired at night from struggling all day with these feelings.  I fall asleep soundly, then wake up abruptly an hour or two later, and my mind is racing with all kinds of thoughts.  I try to force myself back to sleep, but it is very hard.  I toss and turn all night, switching the TV on and off so as to numb my mind.  Then in the morning I can't get out of bed and end up sleeping very late and not having the energy or motivation to do anything.  Somedays I lack the energy to even get dressed.

My grief seems to come and go in waves these days.  The crying overcomes me when I least expect it, and the rest of the time I walk around numb with no feeling.  I used to love to cook and try out new dishes; now I find myself eating all the wrong things and not even caring.

My thoughts go out to all of us on this website and what we are going through.  This has to be the hardest thing we have to do in life besides facing our own mortality, and I don't think anyone can truly understand our pain unless they have gone through it themselves.   I am not a particularly religious person, and, frankly, I am a little mad at God right now for having taken Charlie from me.  I question why he only takes the good ones such as your wife, my Charlie, and my husband who died in 1998 from multiple myeloma.

Take care , Leo, and hopefully get some needed sleep.

Jannie

cecilia

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Re: Lost my beloved
« Reply #20 on: April 09, 2010, 06:40:04 PM »
I too am mad at God. I know I shouldn't be...  But I just don't get it.......He was such a good man and a great husband. He is my bestfriend.....Everyday we spent together...I do beg for him to give me a sign or something. I need to know he's ok. and what happened....I don't understand......Take care all.....................love cecilia

leo

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Re: Lost my beloved
« Reply #21 on: April 09, 2010, 08:06:53 PM »
Hello to all,
It is so very quiet in the house as I sit here all alone...feeling very, very despondent...two of my good friends stopped over at different times today to try and console me...it is not working...I look at some of my beloved wife's pictures...have them all over...I cry a lot...the consoling did not help at all...we have many friends and many of the couples do a lot of things separately...no one seems to have the closeness and inseparability that my wife and I had...we ha d such a good life...I feel so totally lost without her...I miss her soft touch, warm smiles and affectionate embraces...I share so many of the things that people like Jannie and Cecilia express and feel...where do I go from here?... what do I do?...what is the sense of it all?...my situation is permanent...night is very bad for me...the loneliness intensifies incredibly...I just went out to the mailbox today...the rest of the time I was inside the house...I put these postings down but ask myself what is the purpose...nothing changes and nothing will...that's the brutality of it all...nothing changes...my wife was always so kind and understanding...I miss her...it is so eerily quiet now...I want so much to be together again...has anyone experienced anything out of the ordinary in the way of contact/signs...something more than coincidences etc after their partner left this world??
I am so sad that everyone here is going through this wretched and cruel experience...I hope so much that all of us will at some time find some peace of mind...I may be remorsing too much because I feel myself going deeper into this despondency pit that I have dug for myself...it is probably best that I stop now...I keep delaying going to bed as long as I can...I stopped having a glass of wine before going to bed...the depressant effect of the alcohol on the central nervous system does not help my sleep...it was better sleep without the wine last night but still not great...
 
Leo

Annette

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Re: Lost my beloved
« Reply #22 on: April 09, 2010, 11:20:00 PM »
Hi, Leo,

This is my first time in this forum, I post in the child loss forum. I saw your post and felt prompted to read it and I'm so very, very sorry for your loss. It's hard for me to comprehend losing a spouse, but I know if will happen to myself or my husband someday. I lost my son, suddenly in a motorcycle accident almost 3 years ago and was very despondent. I had to keep remembering to live for his memory and so that others who love me won't suffer as I have suffered. Friends and family stayed with me, as they were worried for me. I saw a psychiatrist and got meds -- Xanax helped me sleep... sleeping pills were too scary (I tried two kinds). I'm now on anti-depressants. I know my life will never be the same, but do not want to kill myself, I want to honor my son.

Do you have any children that you could stay with for a while? Perhaps getting a dog for companionship might be a bit comforting, it helped me. I would crumble to the floor, crying, and my dog would come over and comfort me. And I got her for that reason... companionship, when I was all alone with the grief.

I know I've rambled. I just want to say how sorry I am and that I hope you reach out to others or something.

Love,
Annette
Michael's Mom
12-13-82 - 5-14-07

Trevor & Michael 2004 Age3

leo

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Re: Lost my beloved
« Reply #23 on: April 10, 2010, 05:23:00 AM »
Hi Annette,
Thank you so much for your kind and feeling note...I am so very sorry for the loss of your son Michael...it seems like such a terrible burden for you to carry...I can only imagine...I sat here all alone and wept as I read your post...I would always get up very early and wait to hear my wonderful wife's footsteps come down the hallway...I wait...I wait...but they never come now...it is just me...all alone in the house...it is now my prison...we did not have any children...very little family left but they all live far away...we did have dogs but they are long gone...now it is just me...they have all left me...we tried always to enjoy everyday...I am so happy for that...I want our life back so much...it has been 29 days since my greatest loss in life...I am still in such a daze...she was younger than I am and I often told her that I wished it was me in that bed...I would gladly have traded my life for hers...the tears are blurring my eyes so but my fingers refuse to stop...we have many good friends but she was my only "real" friend...the one with whom I could confide unconditionally and grow to love her more and more each day...she was never sick and seemed so hardy...we were inseparable...I did sleep better last night...a higher dose of melatonin helped...I did wake up only once...I keep her bathrobe, that she had been wearing towards the end, on her side of the bed and hug it when I get up every morning...I can still smell her scent...I say good morning to her and cry...I wander out to the kitchen, almost in a trance, knowing that I must exist without her today...knowing that everyday it will be a repeat of the day before...I know I am wandering a lot...my thoughts are not coherent...I go from thought to thought as it comes into my mind...I guess I had better stop...
Again...thank you so much Annette...

Your friend in grief,
Leo

Jannie

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Re: Lost my beloved
« Reply #24 on: April 10, 2010, 07:38:45 PM »
Leo, I am hoping you are okay tonight.  I had a bad night last night (again).  Slept for about an hour and a half from 11:30 till around 1:00 am, then was awake watching TV until around 5:30 am.  I slept in until around 12:30 pm, then tried to get a few things done this afternoon.  What a life!

A friend came to visit me tonight for about an hour or so.  She has been worried about me since I do not answer my phone.  I talked with her, and it was nice to see her, but all the time I was wishing that I was with Charlie, not her.

It is Saturday night, and Charlie and I would have gone out to one of our favorite restaurants tonight for dinner--instead I cooked some chicken that I had taken out of the freezer yesterday and and had a salad.  What a life!

Leo, I like you, have no children, so I am here alone as well.  It is so difficult, and the silence and lonliness of it all is crushing.  I guess there is nothing else we can do except try and get used to it.  They are not coming back no matter how much we want them to.

You asked about "signs."  I, too, am looking for them.  Of all the losses I have had to endure over the past 10-15 years, I have never had one!!  I wonder if people who say they receive those signs are only imagining them.

I read your posts and feel so badly for you as I do for everyone on here including myself.  I don't know what else to say.  This is so hard, and I hope we can move on someday, but it is hard to imagine that right now.

My thoughts are with you and all of us.

Jannie

« Last Edit: April 10, 2010, 07:46:36 PM by Jannie »

leo

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Re: Lost my beloved
« Reply #25 on: April 10, 2010, 09:04:42 PM »
Hello to all,
I just returned from my next door neighbor's after having dinner...( both lost their first spouses 8-15 years ago )... the first time I have accepted a dinner invitation at someone's house since I lost my wife 29 days ago...I was almost going to cancel...I felt so alone with the 3 other couples...trying to talk and was glad when it was time to leave...so here I sit again in my house all alone...what to do...where do I go...my sadness grows...at first I thought that I wanted to go someplace...I didn't know where...but then I would be apart from my wife's garden, the familiarity of our home and all of her things...I have to stay here but I want to be alone...where will this lonely road lead me...I do not know...but there is no way to turn around and go back... I am on it for good...and I will be alone...without the love of my life...I did work in her garden today...will start planting some things next week...have to do something...getting too depressed in the house...I know that my wife would not like the fact that I am not taking care of myself as much as I should...I can see her face and hear her telling me to be good to myself...I am so torn...I do not want her to be upset with me for neglecting myself but I get too overwhelmed when I think of my loss...everything seems so senseless now...what purpose does it serve if I take care of myself...
Jannie...I know that words do not mean a lot but I am so sorry for your losses and loneliness...I hope that your situation and everyone else here gets better in time...my neighbors say it does... but I wonder how they feel in the inner recesses of their minds...I hear always that time will heal...how can you ever get to a point, after being with your soul mate and love of 33 years and be "healed"...it is getting very late...I had better go...do not know about tomorrow...I keep driving this lonely road and there are no vacancies...good night all...hope that you all have a better day tomorrow...
your friend in grief,
Leo
« Last Edit: April 11, 2010, 02:54:55 AM by leo »

Luvinmike

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Re: Lost my beloved
« Reply #26 on: April 11, 2010, 01:34:07 AM »
To everyone on this thread;

   I want to say sorry for your losses, may the memory of a shared smile carry you through this. I am writing to tell you what has helped me so far in this, two years almost since losing my husband. I have walked miles, I walk my dog and as Annette said, a companion.
     I eat healthy most of the time and write in a journal to my husband whenever I want. I listen to music that was special to us and I cry, I have written and read here for the whole time, I read poetry, gardening, cooking, I joined a womens' group and a book club. Our three kids are turning into adults and they seem to be well.
     I am wishing my husband would be here, but I am also feeling more conmfortable in the past month. I feel as though I have coached myself through this, positive thinking. Please share your loved ones with us and visit often. Sending strength...
Terri

leo

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Re: Lost my beloved
« Reply #27 on: April 11, 2010, 03:53:04 AM »
Hello Terri,
Thank you very much for your kind reply...I appreciate all of your suggestions...I do work in her garden...I have been keeping a daily log for years of all of the things that I did to try and help her...I cooked and we ate very healthy all the time...she was never sick before...we walked 2-3 miles almost everyday...I was always a very positive person and very upbeat...got my beautiful wife to smile a lot...it is 30 days today since she "left" and I can't seem to accept the finality of it...people have tried to get me to smile a little...what little there is of it is very shallow and hollow...I am not the same person because such a very large part of me went forever when I lost my wife...we were so good together and I love her so very much...I miss her sweet smile every morning and her warm kisses and hugs...she made my life so worthwhile...now all the physical aspects are gone...I clutch to all the fond memories...they help me...I do not feel like being with people...many have asked me to go walking or to dinner...I feel that the talk is so idle...I do not want to commit to a dog at this time...not sure what I am going to do down this lonely road that I am treading...
I am very sorry for your loss and and it is good that you have adjusted to some extent...wishing you continued inner peace and thank you again for your kind concern...
your friend in grief,
Leo

leo

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Re: Lost my beloved
« Reply #28 on: April 11, 2010, 06:24:10 PM »
Hello to everyone,
I feel compelled to write...I hope that I am not posting too much here...it does seem to help a little to try and put some of my feelings down...today I existed...not too much...at least I think I am existing...not much good to myself...I just made my second cup of cayenne pepper, ginger powder and turmeric powder tea...have to add coconut oil to it...speeds up my circulation...very hot...usually 200,000 to 300,000 heat units...you have to build yourself up to these levels...did not work in  my wife's garden today...went out to the grocery store briefly...did not do anything inside the house except some computer work along with frequent and uncontrollable bursts of tears...just exist and bide my time...thought about my lovely and caring wife so much...I love her so much and just like that she is gone...I feel so hollow...I just do not understand how anyone gets through it...boy this is really bad and seems to be worse everyday...I am so sorry that everyone here is going through this kind of very traumatic and permanent, sorrowful experience...my heart goes out to all here...I sincerely wish you all well and hope that you find some bit of peace...I get these huge waves of sorrow that just seem to sneak up on me and in an instant overpower me several times a day...I have kept my cell phones turned off...got rid of land phone...do not care to talk to anyone...canceled a dinner invitation for next week...what else is there to say...I exist to go from one hollow day to the next...got to bed about midnight and got up at about 5:30AM...I am not sure if I woke up...I dread turning the last light out every night...I better work in the garden tomorrow...I will try and plant some new flowers this week...how my wife loved to go shopping for plants...she was so into gardening...she told me that she was about 7 years old when she started her tiny little patch of garden...she would work for hours in her garden here and everything turned out as beautiful as she was...I want to be with her so much...
It is time to stop...wishing all as peaceful an evening as possible...
your friend in grief,
Leo

Jannie

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Re: Lost my beloved
« Reply #29 on: April 11, 2010, 07:16:32 PM »
Hello Leo,

I read your latest post tonight and know just where you are.  I am doing things just because I have to and so that my friends think that I am at least trying.  If I give them that impression, then maybe they will leave me alone.  I think that well-meaning friends want you to feel better so that they feel better and don't have to worry about you any more.

I went out for a walk today just to get out of this house and feel the warmth of the sun on my face.  I took a look at my garden and saw all the weeds, and I just don't even care about that right now.  I have no interest in cleaning it up. I give you credit, Leo, for keeping up with your wife's garden. 

I stopped by to say hello to a friend of mine who is a widow (for the past 8 years).  She has been calling me incessantly, and I haven't answered the phone, so I felt I needed to catch up with her.  She had nothing comforting to say to me except "it really sucks, doesn't it?"  YUP, IT REALLY DOES!!!

This morning I erased 8 messages from my phone from well-meaning friends.  I know they care, but I cannot talk to them right now without falling apart, and I do not wish to burden them with my grief.

I don't know what I am supposed to do with my life now that my Charlie is gone.  I feel so lost and alone and don't know what to do any more.  I, like you, do not wish to take on a pet as they are a big responsibility.  I lost 3 pets within a 5-year span, and I am not ready to deal with that heartache again either, if it should come to that.

I have a part-time seasonal job which I am expected to return to at the end of May, so I am hoping that will help me a little although I am not looking forward to that either.  Other than that, for now I wander around in a state of numbness and grief.  This really is the pits.

A good nite to all, and may we all find peace in our lives at some point.  It is hard to imagine that right now.

Jannie