Author Topic: 5 deaths in 2 years...how do I even begin?  (Read 3668 times)

jes

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5 deaths in 2 years...how do I even begin?
« on: March 28, 2010, 07:01:40 PM »
I'm new here but I'm hoping to find like-minded grievers. I lost my brother to drugs in Feb. '08, my Grandmother to cancer in Feb '09, My Grandfather in April '09. I didn't think things could get worse, but then 2 weeks after moving to a new city with my husband, my Dad fell ill. He died of liver failure in December 2009, and his twin brother dies in January 2010, one month later. It's been 4 months since my father died and I'm haunted by the memory of his slow deterioration in the hospital over a period of several months. My Uncle was the only person that truly understood the impact of this loss, and he's gone now too. I have a fantastic support network, but no one I know truly understands how wounded I am. I feel like my hearts been torn out of my chest, stomped on and put back in. And here I am expected to live a "normal" life. I don't even think I've had time to process any of these things due to the constant sucession of death. In May I turn 29, which is how old my Brother was when he died, and it is also when I am spreading my Father's ashes. People sometimes act suprised when I tell them I'm grieving, it's like everyone elses lives have continued as normal, and I'm still stuck here.

Tom

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Re: 5 deaths in 2 years...how do I even begin?
« Reply #1 on: March 28, 2010, 08:13:44 PM »
Welcome Jes.  You are powerfully aware that losses tend to accumulate.  Not unlike snow.  If it keeps on snowing the snow simply gets deeper and with grief if the losses keep on coming the grief gets more overwhelming and also confusing.  The image some have shared is like a glass of water that is being filled by a pitcher.  At some point the glass becomes completely full and if the pitcher keeps pouring the water simply flows over the sides of the glass.  Sometimes with grief if we have more and more losses we simply can't process things and it pours over our glass.  The only thing we can do is take the best care of ourselves that we can, take it one day at a time, even one minute at a time and keep telling our story.

Welcome, glad you found us.
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Luvinmike

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Re: 5 deaths in 2 years...how do I even begin?
« Reply #2 on: March 29, 2010, 02:44:37 AM »
Dear Jes;
     I am sorry for the losses of your brother, your grandparents, your Dad and your uncle. The grief is so confusing at times, and overwhelming, it does seem like nobody understands. I am glad you found this site, as many here will send you feelings of strength and caring.
     Everyone is different, but for me I asked for help finally. I felt overwhelmed by the loss of my husband- and I tried to just cope for about a year. When I felt as though things just kept getting scarier and worse for me, I went to a therapist and support group- after a Priest. I did alot of walking, writing, reading and posting here and I joined a knitting group of women. Not one thing really took any pain away, but it gave me some direction and support, now almost two years later I can think clearly at least.
    The grief can still be devastating, but I feel more healthy and stable. I hope these ideas help you. Tell us about your family members as you wish, and remember that taking good care of yourself is most important. Again, so sorry.
Terri

Ramses

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Re: 5 deaths in 2 years...how do I even begin?
« Reply #3 on: March 30, 2010, 01:43:59 AM »
Jes, I can relate to you in some ways and I know my situation is different.  I recently lost my life partner on January 1, 2010.  In a session with a counselor, I started talking about my feelings that I woud always lose the one I love.  At age 4, I saw my brother hit by a car; at 9, my father died under mysterious circumstances that were called an auto accident; in my mid-thirties my college ex-partner who, although we were no longer together, was one of the first to die from AIDs, at 39 my current partner died from AIDs and now at 54, I lose Christopher to cancer.  I told the counselor about how old "things" kept popping into my mind that had nothing to do with the present or with Chris' death.  He pointed out that sometimes grief can unleash old anxieties and stress. . .it is as if I am having flashbacks sometimes and can see all of these people from the past, the clearest being my dear brother from whom, I am told, I was inseparable which seems a lie to me now. . .I think I unconsciously greived for him and searched for him the most in my life.

I can't say that I truly know what you're feeling but I hope there is a similarity in the template.  Sometime it takes my breath away and my chest tightens and I have those "old reactions" of shock which seem to be my 4 year old self gasping at the site of his brother being struck down.  How I have gotten through life I don't know.  Perhaps by observing and listening to you, I will have found a good teacher, a voice that I seek to speak to so many inner voices that I feel still live in me.  I guess what I'm trying to say is I was drawn to you because of the number "5"; although my experiences were spread out, I'm just becoming aware of the effects of the accumulation.  I want to open to you and appreciate you generosity in sharing here.  Thank you and may your experiences ultimately be your support and strength.  I am with you in solidarity and in the hope that healing finds us both so that we can stand on dry land for awhile.  Praises to you.  I am reminded of Tom's discussion of women and the vessel or the bowl, my paraphrase of something I saw on his tape.  You have been so generous and I thank you.

jes

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Re: 5 deaths in 2 years...how do I even begin?
« Reply #4 on: March 30, 2010, 01:40:51 PM »
Thanks guys for your support. Ramses I am so sorry that you've had so much loss, and your partners too! I can't imagine! It's strange what happens to your mind after significant loss. As far as anxiety goes, I've become somewhat fearful of losing the people closest to me, and really get on my Spouses case about things like wearing helmets while cycling...much to his dismay! But the weird thing is that many of my irrational fears dissapeared after my Brother died 2 years ago. Before then I had to medicate myself to get on an airplane, which was often as I travel a lot. After my Brother died though I don't mind flying, in fact I enjoy it a little and find it interesting. It's like my brain has been re-wired. Has anyone else found this or read anything about this?
Also Ramses I am so sorry that so many of your partners have died from disease! It's so frustrating to watch, and being strong and calm around the person, (which I always feel the need to do) is so hard! My Father contracted Hepatitis C in the 70s from sharing needles with his friends, (most of them have it too). They just had absolutly no idea then! My father also suffered from Alcoholism most of his life. But after my Brother died my Father openly declared that he wanted to drink himself to death. It took 2 years. That coupled with his hepatitis shut his liver down and he looked like death for about a year. I was so angry with him! I live in another city, so the first time I went to see him in the hospital he was aware of what was going on but couldn't move or do anything for himself. It was heartbreaking and that for me is the hardest part of all that. All the horrible things I saw him go through. As angry as I was at him I don't think anyone deserves that. I stayed away out of anger for about a month, and then had a feeling that I should go visit him. I'm not a spiritual person, (in fact I'm an athiest), but I felt on a cellular deep ancient level that he was nearing his end and that I had to tell him it was okay to let go, (the last time I'd seen him my last words were, "you get better!" I went straight from the airport to the hospital, and managed to get in even though it was 10:30pm. I said all the things I'd wished I'd said the last time, and told him it was okay to let go and that my brother was waiting for him, (even though I don't believe that last part). I just wanted him to hear kind words. That night at 4am I woke up and couldn't get back to sleep, I knew on some level that he's died. My Uncle called me at 7am and told me that he's died about the same time I woke up. My Dad's twin said he also woke up around the same time and knew. I was the last person to see him.
Through all this I've at least had the comfort of knowing all that.
I keep waiting for someone else to die though...it's weird
And Ramses: could you explain the "woman-bowl" connection a little further?

Thanks again to all, I'm just going to share my experience with you and hope you will share yours with me also.

J.

Ramses

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Re: 5 deaths in 2 years...how do I even begin?
« Reply #5 on: April 01, 2010, 04:37:52 AM »
Jes:

I am so grateful for your response, and also to hear your story. 

First things first.  There is a twenty minute video on this website, a presentation which Tom did in Washington, DC (my short term memory is shot these days), but I'll try to find it and direct you to it or perhaps I will ask Tom for the link.  The video talks about how we grieve, men and women, and my take on it is that women are carriers of these great feelings and are receptacle and therefore can express and emote in ways that men don't or can't or wont.  In some ways it is very basic but I don't want to short-change you buy my paraphrase.  But I know in my heart that there are some of us who are large vessels (we carry a lot) and in grief we can be in touch with so, so much. 

I am warmed by your honesty and what I felt when reading your response to me was keen awareness and sensitivity and a wonder innocence that has not been tainted by your experiences in life.  I am a believer in sychronicity, when there are silmutaneous events such as your waking up at the time that your father died, as well as the other members in your family.  This happens a lot for me and I attept to pay attention and listen because to me it is more than just an accident or an occurrence but my vessel alerting me to my timing and presence in life and also to certain healing forces.  I had this happen during the big earthquake in California; I was awakened minutes before, just in time to carry my partner who was a double amputee, up the stairs of our home.  Something alerted me; what that something is I dont know, but again, I can relate to your experience of this.  It is happening to me now as I struggle with my grief over the loss of Chris. 

I realized after reading Tom's response to my introductory note, that there were two extra losses in my life, my brother-in-law Gerald and his son Chris; Gerald died at a business meaning, drowing while swimming; Chris, my nephew, was an accute diabetic.  Both were wonderful and charming men.  Chris had so grieved his father's death that I do believe he engireered his own death through the disease process.  I can understand this longing.  I was told how I would see my brother Charles when I got to heaven and whether conscious or not, I have done everything I could to get to heaven, get hit by cars, fall out of trucks, periods of suicide attempts, and finally a disease process of my own because I so wanted to be with my brother.  Oddly when Chris, my partner, became so ill, there were moments when I could see my brother's face transposed on to his. 

I have always though of my feminine qualities as weakness; there was a lot of negative put down of these traits when I was growing up in the 60's and 70's.  But the ability to see, to nurture, to be present, to care to carress, to clean dirty bottoms and vomit and blood, well, therese were great acts of bravery for me which I hope will slence the critical voices that can sometimes come out of life and make one feel worthlyess, without purpose and cause. 

Jes thank you for presenting me with your story and including me with your story.  it has touched me deeply, the imagery and the truthfulness of it and the risk you take in "exposing" yourself. . . weird. . .how your father and his friends risked "exposure" in their activities.  Expsore is dangerous sometimes and I guess you ave taught me that it is can also be safe to expose one's feelings when the right guardian is in place, almost as if you're the great vessel while I try to get to my feelings of loss, multiple loss. 

I'll see if I can find that video. 

All the best to you. 

Love,

Ramses

PS:  just read your response again and I can't thank you enough for such a gentle expression of strength and you're showing me it's okay what I did for my partners; some time I doubt I didn't anything at all except complain, but you've shown me what I did do welll. 

jes

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Re: 5 deaths in 2 years...how do I even begin?
« Reply #6 on: April 06, 2010, 11:56:59 PM »
Sorry it took so long to write!

I've definatly learned that men and women grieve differently over the years. I think that men are so conditioned, (even today) that expressing heart ache is a sign of weakness. My uncle, (who has now lost 3 brothers), when asked how he is doing, always replys with "I'm fine". He always deflects his mourning onto others, saying things like "I'm worried about your grandmother" etc. and can talk about how she's doing, but he just can't talk about his own feelings. It's enigmatic to me. lol. I do wish that I could turn the volume knob down on my emotions sometimes though. But I suppose everyone does.
You're had so much loss Ramses! I hope you still can enjoy life and have fun despite all that's happened to you! *side note; why do you need to carry someone up stairs if there's an earthquake? I just moved from the praries to a pacific earth quake zone so I have no idea what I should do in that situation*
I've had a hard couple days. both good and bad. Yesterday I felt this manic surge of energy, (which rarely happens to me) probably the result of too much coffee, and I single handedly organized my Dad/Uncle's ashes scattering next month. Last night I had a dream about my Dad where he recovered from his stint in the hospital and I was taking care of him. I explained to him what had happened and he was confused. I think that when he was in the hospital and I was here in Vancouver that I felt a little guilty and wanted to take care of him. We were somewhat estranged the last 10 years or so and he had a new wife and step daughter. I felt like he wasn't "mine" to take care of, yet when I would go visit I couldn't keep myself away from him. It was like this magnetic pull. Hard to explain. I think my connection to him was deeper than I had understood. I was looking at pictures my cousin had posted on-line from our childhood and there were pictures of he and I, (as a preschooler) that I had never seen. I was reminded of how strong our bond was in those days and totally broke down. This memorial means so much to me especially as I didn't go to his funeral, (for political reasons, by that I mean his "wife" is an absolute monster and I would've killed her if I'd gone). So this means a lot to me, as a way to honour his life and what memories he left with us.
Sorry if these messages are too random, I'm just writing as I think....

Take care though, I'm thinking about you!
jess

jes

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Re: 5 deaths in 2 years...how do I even begin?
« Reply #7 on: April 07, 2010, 10:49:56 PM »
One more thought...

Interestingly enough, I've always envied people who believe in heaven and that they would be with their loved ones...I've never seen that it could be a bad thing also! I've had suicidal thoughts, but they've just been a sense of overall resignation and frustration. Like wanting to throw in the towel. Of course the thought of putting my loved ones through that stops me, but in the recent past it's been something I've struggled with. But I can totally see how the prospect of being with your departed loved ones is appealing, and a little dangerous at times. Wow, I'd never thought of that before.
j.