Jes:
I am so grateful for your response, and also to hear your story.
First things first. There is a twenty minute video on this website, a presentation which Tom did in Washington, DC (my short term memory is shot these days), but I'll try to find it and direct you to it or perhaps I will ask Tom for the link. The video talks about how we grieve, men and women, and my take on it is that women are carriers of these great feelings and are receptacle and therefore can express and emote in ways that men don't or can't or wont. In some ways it is very basic but I don't want to short-change you buy my paraphrase. But I know in my heart that there are some of us who are large vessels (we carry a lot) and in grief we can be in touch with so, so much.
I am warmed by your honesty and what I felt when reading your response to me was keen awareness and sensitivity and a wonder innocence that has not been tainted by your experiences in life. I am a believer in sychronicity, when there are silmutaneous events such as your waking up at the time that your father died, as well as the other members in your family. This happens a lot for me and I attept to pay attention and listen because to me it is more than just an accident or an occurrence but my vessel alerting me to my timing and presence in life and also to certain healing forces. I had this happen during the big earthquake in California; I was awakened minutes before, just in time to carry my partner who was a double amputee, up the stairs of our home. Something alerted me; what that something is I dont know, but again, I can relate to your experience of this. It is happening to me now as I struggle with my grief over the loss of Chris.
I realized after reading Tom's response to my introductory note, that there were two extra losses in my life, my brother-in-law Gerald and his son Chris; Gerald died at a business meaning, drowing while swimming; Chris, my nephew, was an accute diabetic. Both were wonderful and charming men. Chris had so grieved his father's death that I do believe he engireered his own death through the disease process. I can understand this longing. I was told how I would see my brother Charles when I got to heaven and whether conscious or not, I have done everything I could to get to heaven, get hit by cars, fall out of trucks, periods of suicide attempts, and finally a disease process of my own because I so wanted to be with my brother. Oddly when Chris, my partner, became so ill, there were moments when I could see my brother's face transposed on to his.
I have always though of my feminine qualities as weakness; there was a lot of negative put down of these traits when I was growing up in the 60's and 70's. But the ability to see, to nurture, to be present, to care to carress, to clean dirty bottoms and vomit and blood, well, therese were great acts of bravery for me which I hope will slence the critical voices that can sometimes come out of life and make one feel worthlyess, without purpose and cause.
Jes thank you for presenting me with your story and including me with your story. it has touched me deeply, the imagery and the truthfulness of it and the risk you take in "exposing" yourself. . . weird. . .how your father and his friends risked "exposure" in their activities. Expsore is dangerous sometimes and I guess you ave taught me that it is can also be safe to expose one's feelings when the right guardian is in place, almost as if you're the great vessel while I try to get to my feelings of loss, multiple loss.
I'll see if I can find that video.
All the best to you.
Love,
Ramses
PS: just read your response again and I can't thank you enough for such a gentle expression of strength and you're showing me it's okay what I did for my partners; some time I doubt I didn't anything at all except complain, but you've shown me what I did do welll.