new member struggling

[reinn]

I lost my best friend nearly 10 years ago.
The ten year mark is approaching-10 days actually, and I thought that I'd gotten to a place I could tolerate with the grief and guilt, that I'd managed to let her go, and now I feel like I'm losing her all over again. I've drifted from devastated to furious, I've cried and screamed, but it feels as if I'm going crazy all over again. I know that I didn't cope well right after she died-and I'm scared of the feelings now.

[Tom]

Hang in there Reinn.  Sometimes losses can gain momentum long after a death.  I depends on lots of factors.  The most important aspect is to keep telling your story.  When we tell our story it chunks it down a little bit each time.  Welcome to the forums here. 

Tom

[georgiapeaches]

Hi Reinn,
Welcome, and so sorry for your pain. I agree with Tom. Although its so painful to tell your story, I think we have to. its been 2 years this April since my husband passed and the other day I saw the school physoc, and broke down, she told me she thinks I am reliving the stress all over again, so I am going to the doctor monday and am going to try to get some help, because I think maybe shes right. its hard, I hope we can help eachother. hang in there.

Georgia.

[Terry]

Hi reinn,

I'm so sorry for your pain and I understand feeling fearful. I've had these same feelings. There really isn't a right or a wrong way to grieve because we go-through the 'stages' of grief over and over, and the ocean of emotions that weigh us down at times, even after many years can still bring us right back to day one and like you shared, as if we're losing them 'all-over-again.'

I journal. I write every day. It's been a life-line for me. I'm glad you've come here to share of the pain and the fear. And, no you are not going crazy. You loved deeply and unconditionally and you are missing your precious friend.

These dates are brutal on us all. They show no mercy. Please know that you are not alone and there are a lot of wonderful, supportive folks here at webhealing. I hope you find the same comfort I have over the years.

Thank You for sharing your heart and I am holding you close and sending hugs and love to you.
Terry

[2angelboysdj]

      Hi    Reinn----  Am  so  deeply  sorry  for  your  precious  friend's  loss--  it makes  no difference  how  long  ago-- I know  it still  feels  like  it  just  happened !!!   I  agree totally  with  all the  replies  Ive  read--  its  so  important to  keep  telling  your  story   even  if  it  is  over  and  over--  just  knowing  that  all  of  us  out  here  have  also gone thru  so  much  pain  of  loss  of  someone  close  to  us.     Over the  years  I  also  have l ost   10  close  relatives and  1  friend.  But  my  most  recent  loss  is   my  23 yr  old son's  2   baby  boys--- born  one  year  apart---the first  was stillborn  in   08 shortly  before  Thanksgiving,  and the second   lived  for  only  18  days  and died  in  October  of  09---  both   caused  from    a  double  case  of   incompetent  doctoring  unbelievable  as  that  sounds.  And  each  of   these  babies  was  a  much  longed for   baby---  so  now  all  of  us  are  just  plain  totally  devastated  with  both  losses---  ESPECIALLY    since  everybody  else  seems to  have  a surplus  of   happy h ealthy  babies  with  no  problems--  its  impossible to  not  be constantly  reminded  of   happy  babies  all  over --  so  all  our  our  holidays   over the p ast couple  years  have  now been  totally   devastated---  no  sense  of  real  happiness  evere  since.   

[Luvinmike]

Dear reinn and 2angelboys;     
     I am sorry for you both to be struggling with these heavy feelings of deep grief.
I am glad you found this site and I hope you keep writing to tell us how you are doing. Yes, I think it does help to talk about our losses. I am missing my husband who died unexpectedly. I have found some comfort in sharing my story here and I wish you continued strength to do the same. I continue walking also.
   I think this site helps me alot because there is no pressure and you can come on here at all hours just to have a "place to go." I have also felt supported through an actual grief support group in my area, I had to push to find one, but talking with others has been useful. I wish you peace for the moment and courage to continue on with what needs to get done.
    Keep caring for yourselves in every way you can.
Terri

[ak]

Hi Reinn, I understand your feeling and pain. I lost my boyfriend to suicide 6weeks ago. I was then not sure if I could go through the next hour with the guilt that I couldn't save him, and thought of the lonelyness he must have gone through at his last moment. I now work full time and am carrying on my daily practices as before, but sudden attack of grief hits me hard from time to time. It even made me think that  the rest of my life holds no happiness and joy.  In such time, I try to encourage myself that the worst part is already over. Please be kind to youself, and do remember that you are not alone.  Love from Tokyo.

 

[Terry]

((((( ak )))))

I'm so sorry to hear of the loss of your boyfriend. You have my heart.

Love,
Terry

[ak]

((((( Terry )))))
Thank you!! You made my day a lot easy to survive.

 

[Terry]

(((((((( ak ))))))))

[reinn]

I know I need to talk about what happened, but it's hard to. It feels as if I'm the only one in the small circle of people I know that has yet to move on. Tonya's not a welcome topic in my life. It's like my friends want to forget about it, my family doesn't want me to "bring myself down" by dwelling on it, and my fiance seems to think that I need to just get over it and go on.
I didn't handle losing her at all. I reacted by hurting myself in any way I could find. I started drinking and spent the remainder of that year looking at myself from the bottom of a bottle of bourbon. I threw myself at a man that I barely knew, and just all around tried hard to destroy myself.
I'm alone here, which is why I searched this place out. I'm terrified to ask anyone else to listen to me-last time I tried, my fiance told me "you've already told me this"-yes I know I did. Apparently I'm just supposed to forget about her, and I really don't want to. I don't want to forget such a bright light in my life, someone who laughed with me during the gory parts of the horror movies, and rode the sketchy carnie rides with me every summer. I want to be able to smile when I think of her, not cry. I'm not there yet. I want my fiance to stop being such an unbearable ass about it. I thank god that he doesn't understand, but I wish he'd realize that I'm trying to work all this out in my mind because I want to be a better person from it, not the broken down wreck that I am now.