Author Topic: One month today - Making changes  (Read 12770 times)

Pete (UK)

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Re: One month today - Making changes
« Reply #15 on: May 25, 2010, 09:50:02 AM »
Holly:

What an amazing example you are to me. I can feel your strength in everything you write. I'm two years down the line but I'm still deliberating over whether to move or not. My wife, Heather never had a real attachment to any house. Her home was wherever me and the kids were at any given time, so my reluctance to move on when  I know it would probably benefit me immensely is probably based around my feeling of 'security' in the house. (As if there's such a thing as real security in this life).

I'm so sorry to hear of your loss and the hassle you've encountered, much like mine in coping with a situation that never entered my head I'd have to deal with one day (how naive can you get?) Your posting inspired me and strengthened my resolve to work my way through all this, there's nothing else I can do I guess, but I'm going to try to do it with a much positive intention as you've shown for as long as I can.

Thanks, take care,

Pete (UK)

closs86

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Re: One month today - Making changes
« Reply #16 on: May 25, 2010, 04:18:16 PM »
Hi Holly,
    I am so sorry for your loss, I also lost my soulmate and love of my life on April 6, he was diagnosed and passed in 3 weeks of pancreatic cancer that spread, he was a healthy young 60 year old man, that ate well excersized everyday and that was his wind up, I miss him more than I can explain, there are no words.  I have ups and downs, I am going to a few grief counseling groups, they are OK, i am not sure if it is for me yet, but I will give it a chance, Today was a good day for me as far as good goes, I took Johnny's hat with me as I sleep with it, and I got in the car which I haven't done in years, and said to him OK, you have to help me, because I have to drive, and it was good, I went all around the neighborhood, and did a few chores, and came home, but that was a big accomplishment for me. It made me feel good, that I was able to do something for myself.
    I know how your heart is hurting, we were together since we were 16, there is no words to express how we feel,.
 Take care
 Karen

leo

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Re: One month today - Making changes
« Reply #17 on: May 25, 2010, 07:28:51 PM »
Hello Holly,

I am glad that you are pleased with the quilts...it is such a good idea and I would think that it would make you feel a little closer to Jake every time that you wrap yourself in it...
It seems good that you have mowed the lawn...being outside I think helps...I really like working in my wife's garden and have been spending a lot of time on it...I may have to cut our grass tomorrow or the next day...the outside work keeps me busy enough...
It all is such a facade that I am putting up...all these motions...there is nothing of any meaning behind my actions except for my wife's garden and  her photo enlargements and framing..I know that she would be happy with what I am doing in her garden...how she loved to be outside...we would spend so much time looking at things...I can't spend too much time on the subject as it will bring me crashing down too much...
I turned off the digital photo frames that I had in different rooms as the dozens of photos were flashing continually... they showered me with pictures continually the whole day...so many good memories but seeing large pictures of her made me sad too...
I too write everyday but not a lot...again if I go too deeply I wreck myself...
Sounds as if you are taking on a lot with the cleaning of the house and all...take care of yourself and I am so sorry for your loss...wishing you some peace of mind...

Leo

crnbrryctg

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Re: One month today - Making changes
« Reply #18 on: May 26, 2010, 05:27:35 AM »
Hi Everyone.
Thanks for all your support and comments. I find it hard to believe that I am an inspiration to anyone at this point in my life, but if anyone gets anything from my posts, I am honored. I certainly don't feel strong. I am going thru all the misery and despair that everyone else here is, and I am grateful for this site, as it reminds me on a daily basis that I am not alone.

I have an advantage that most of you don't have. I am used to being alone. I lived alone many years before Jake and I met, and even after, a good part of our relationship was spent with Jake working out of town. The big difference was the daily contact. He was always at the other end of the phone or computer, available at any time, and always came home.  After he was diagnosed last May, he started working from home, and we were together all the time. There were a few years in the middle where we started a business together, then eventually sold the company and he went back to work for someone else. Less stress for everyone involved. We were supposed to retire this year and start traveling together.

Thru trial and error, I am slowly figuring out what works for me now. But it doesn't take much to drag me back down into the never ending tears and depression. I am demanding less of myself in a day, and seem to get more done that way without being upset that I didn't get everything on my list done. That does give me a sense of satisfaction, I just have to realize that I can't do things like I did before. It is like I am sick, and my expectations of myself are too high. I have reduced my writing time as well, and as I mentioned before, I moved Jake's photo off my desk and put it on the credenza behind me so it isn't constantly in my face reminding me of what we have lost, and I don't need a reminder of how much I miss him and want him to come home. That is always there. Life is hard enough now without the constant reminders. I still set aside time to "talk" to Jake, but I limit that time. It is what is working for me at the moment. It could all change in a heartbeat, but for now I'm going with it.

I'm not always pushing myself. I have spent hours and hours reading and at night with the TV. Both an escape for me. I spend some time with friends, but not a lot. Jake and I knew a lot of people here, but only had one or two real friends. They continue to check on me while the rest of the world has gone on with their lives. I am grateful for the few friends I do have. Without them, there would be no contact with the outside world.

I'm having the same sleep issues as everyone else too. A couple hours, then awake, and maybe an hour or two more after that. Constantly tired. I am looking forward to the day when I am more like I was before Jake got sick.  I'm not heartless. I hurt just as much as everyone else, but no one is going to do anything for me, and the longer I put anything off, it is that much longer before it gets done and I have no one to blame but myself. I don't want to sit here and feel sorry for myself for the rest of my life. I learned with Jake that good relationships are possible, and I hope there is another in my future. I don't want to be alone the rest of my life. I'm certainly not ready now, and it will be a very long time, but if the opportunity presents itself, I hope I will be open to the possibility. I'm not young, and I know as I get older, my possibilities are less and less.

It is three months today since Jake left. I don't miss him any less than I did the first day, but the tears are less frequent. The pain is always there, but I hope I am making progress. And yes, I feel guilty about just about everything. Getting rid of his stuff, having a moment or two where he isn't in the forefront of my thoughts..and more. All the what-ifs...

If I am an inspiration to anyone, I'm glad. You are all inspiration to me,  and I am so glad I found this site.
Thank you.
Holly

leo

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Re: One month today - Making changes
« Reply #19 on: May 26, 2010, 08:12:11 PM »
Hello Holly,
Thank you so much for the very nice post...it seems as if you have made some strides in a positive direction...like you I never know when I am going to be dragged back into the abyss of sadness and despair...it does not take much... I try to stay as busy as I can but my darling is always there in my mind...my greatest joy in life was to be able to share everything with her and make her happy all the time....we had such a wonderful existence...now I lament and lament but it does me no good...she is gone...we know a very large number( >300 ) of people in our community...we were outgoing and participated or initiated "things"...but even with all of this we were as one and did most things together and not really with the others...we like all of the same things and were best friends...now I have been a virtual recluse...shunning all...

 I do not watch much TV...my work was in science and I spend a lot of time reading scientific work in my field of microbiology and immunology and have a lot of knowledge in alternative health ways as they relate to cancer...I am still very hard on myself and always have been...maybe one day I will elaborate on my story more to the Group here...for now I wish things to be as they are...
I too feel like no one will be doing anything for me...it will be up to me...one of my wife's last words to me were "you will be OK "...I hear them a lot...I really am nothing without her...she is my everything...why oh why does it have to be like this...
my crying has increased so much...I do not know...everyone reacts so differently...it does not mean one way is better or worse...we our just on our own individual, unique road...

wishing the best for you in life and some peace of mind...

Leo

leo

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Re: One month today - Making changes
« Reply #20 on: May 28, 2010, 10:09:00 AM »
Hello  Holly,

Wanted to see if you were OK...I made it to another day...I put on my gardening clothes and started  to go out and it started thundering and raining hard...I will have to wait...it is overcast and gloomy now...just what I need for my mood...

I prepared a link online with some photos that I took of some of the flowers in my wife's garden...I thought you might want to look when you feel up to it...

wishing you well...



Leo



http://www.photoshop.com/user/fiorigiardino/?rlang=en_US&wf=shareslideshow&galleryid=cf8011b0be9643c7b58568f780920519&trackingid=BTAGC

closs86

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Re: One month today - Making changes
« Reply #21 on: May 28, 2010, 09:53:13 PM »
Hi Holly
    You have found some strength, I admire you for that,  I was with Johnny for 43 yrs, I really am like a baby I have to learn how to do things myself, he did most of the hard stuff, I did take the car for the first time in years the other day, and I was so proud of myself, so that was an accomplishment for me.  Johnny passed on April 6, I have gone back to work, keeps my mind  occupied for a little while, but it is very very hard. I miss him so much, I think of him all day every day, I feel like I am waiting for him to come home, but I know that is not so.
Have a good tomorrow
Karen

crnbrryctg

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Re: One month today - Making changes
« Reply #22 on: May 29, 2010, 02:55:16 AM »
Hi All...
I don't know how much strength I have, I'm just doing the best I can in the circumstances. Thankfully, I was pretty independent to begin with. It helps knowing that I can deal with most everything.

After spending the week alone, a friend invited me to girls night out on Friday, and I went for a little while. I have tried going a couple of times in the past, the second time ended up being a couples night out, and I felt like a fish out of water, so I left early. Last night was better, still uncomfortable, but bits and pieces were enjoyable. Today I have mowing to do, and would like to see the parade. After that, another friend of mine invited me over for ribs and to see their new deck. That will be a nice visit. Tomorrow is more mowing and a rubber ducky race down town. Thinking I will grab my camera and be the photographer for the event. No plans for Monday, but am hoping something will come up that sounds inviting. I just can't spend all my time alone. I may not enjoy these outings, and miss Jake so very much by my side, but I am making an effort.

Next week I hope to start back up on the house clearing. I need to get it listed and sold before winter so I don't have to spend another winter up here. It may seem early to be worrying about this, but there is a glut of properties for sale up here, and the economy is way behind up here. The last couple of weeks I haven't been able to get myself to do much besides read. No motivation or ambition.

That is about it for me.

Thanks for all your kind words, and words of encouragement. It means a lot. You do find out who your true friends are in times of trouble, and sometimes it can be very surprising.  My family has even fallen short on this. After the initial phone calls, of four brothers and sisters, I have one brother that keeps in touch and will be coming all the way from Arizona when it is time for me to move, to help me with the move.

Leo, your gardens are absolutely wonderful. What zone are you in to have everything blooming so beautifully? We are just getting started up here in zone 3. The lupine, one of my favorites, are just starting to bloom, and my lilac buds froze, so no blooms this year. Very disappointing.

Karen, you are doing great. You don't have to know how to do everything. The key is knowing where to find out how to do stuff, or knowing who to ask when you can't do something yourself. I have issues asking people for anything, so I usually at least try to do stuff myself before I ask for help..The internet is an awesome source of information. I still don't know how people managed before the internet. You would be surprised at what you can do.

Pete, thank you. I'm glad if I could be any kind of inspiration. Like I said before, it is hard to believe that I could be any kind of inspiration to any one at this point in my life. I'm trying not to dwell on the things I can't change, and take it as it comes. I'm not happy where I am, and I have to make the changes, it isn't going to get done for me. This place is way too much work for one person.

I hope everyone has a good or at least a decent weekend. Remember, you are not alone. I have to keep reminding myself of that too.

leo

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Re: One month today - Making changes
« Reply #23 on: May 29, 2010, 06:22:04 AM »
Hello Holly,
It sounds as if you are trying to keep busy and are moving in a positive direction...right now I do not feel like being with people...no one understands in my community except the few that have lost a partner...and even then it has been 5-15 years since their loss so they are so very far ahead of my stage...my other friends who have not experienced the loss of a partner say things that to me seem inappropriate...some seem to think that I am taking too long and have to get on with my life...so I stay away...I am not looking for anyone to tell me what to do or what they think is right...it would be nice for them just to listen and not mind my grieving...most people just see things the way that they interpret them and do not try to consider or respect my decisions...most do not seem to be able to handle grief and seem very uncomfortable with it...so I come to this site where so many people understand and I can write my thoughts down...my wife is on my mind so much and yesterday I was so despondent...especially last night...it is pushing me to the brink...

I hope that all goes well with the sale of your house...I would imagine that getting things ready and a move would keep you very busy...do you have any family or friends that want to help you?

Thank you for the kind compliments about the flowers...I enjoy working outside and have many fond memories with my wife...when I dwell momentarily on her loss it still does not seem possible and rips my heart apart all over again...so many times I wish that I was not around...

I live in zone 9 according to the planting zone map listed at this site for this URL (    http://www.landscapingideasonline.com/planting-zones.php  ) so things grow most of the year...if you are zone 3 you would be considerably later and a much shorter growing season...I will go out and mow the lawn later...I don't want to be out too early and wake people up...

Wishing you well...
 
Leo

closs86

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Re: One month today - Making changes
« Reply #24 on: May 29, 2010, 11:20:17 PM »
Hi Holly
    Thank you for the support, I am trying very hard, I did watch Johnny do a lot of things, and I will try to do something before I ask for help, I also love the internet it helps alot, My problem is I haven't driven in years, because Johnny always just drove, so I have a few issues and need to push myself. because I must drive, I can't have to depend on anyone, or bother everyone to take me places, that just won't work for me. I took the car out for the first time last week and did pretty good, went around the neighborhood for a while, I will try again tomorrow. This is something the I MUST accomplish.  Well I better get to bed it is very late,
Good Night
Karen

lovedhim

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Re: One month today - Making changes
« Reply #25 on: May 31, 2010, 09:20:20 AM »
Holly -- you and I are so much alike in that we want to do things ourselves before asking others.  I lost my husband of 25 years on January 4.  I cannot believe I just wrote that sentence - now I am crying. I loved him as I could love no one else, and each day is so hard.  I cannot look at his photos, and I haven't yet been able to pack up his clothing. Unlike you, I don't think a quilt made of his clothing would be of comfort to me.  I have literally made my job the focus of my life --when I work out of the office,  I have a 2 hour commute each way, and I make it a point to work late each evening so that I arrive home exhausted.  I cry each night before I go to sleep, and it is hard to get going each morning.  I oten travel as part of my job, and that distraction is good for me, living a life outside of the one I shared with Joe.  I want to move from here, but I am overwhelmed with the process.  I don't want to take the furniture that we acquired together, yet I don't want to part with it.  The decision about where to move is up in the air -- our only son is in the military, so moving to be near him is a temporary solution because his location is mobile.  I have friends and family to lean on, but now I sound like a broken record when asked, 'how are you?', so I don't call so much anymore.  I have friends that I haven't seen in a year coming to visit today -- not looking forward to the emotions that will wash over me -- they were a part of Joe's life, too.   Please know that you have a kindred spirit who appreciates the strength you have exhibited - the way you write so often describes my feelings -- I have trouble getting my words to portray mine.  I hope to keep in touch.

crnbrryctg

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Re: One month today - Making changes
« Reply #26 on: May 31, 2010, 09:55:38 AM »
Thanks for writing lovedhim. I feel like the odd man out most of the time because I actually have some time in my days where I almost feel like myself. My decisions to move and get rid of stuff, are motivated by the fact that I don't want to be here another miserable winter by myself, and the fact that there are no jobs here. Without Jake, I need to get a job to keep the bills paid. Thankfully, I have a little to get me thru for the time being if I am careful, but it makes me very nervous.
I loved Jake with all  my heart. He was my soul mate, my partner in life, my best friend, and I only had him a little over 10 years. I have all the same feelings of guilt, what if's, hurt, and the depression and lack of motivation that comes with grieving. I miss him more than I can put into words. But, he wouldn't want me wallowing in my grief. He was worried about me more than he was about himself. I had to assure him I would be OK, and told him that I would move. He was good with that. We were planning on doing the same thing together if he hadn't gotten sick. So I am trying to do what I promised him I would do and that is to be OK.

I want to start over fresh. With new "stuff" in a new place. Something that is mine. This was Jake's house, and everything here we got together..and I don't want to take it with me. I have Jake's ashes, photos, some of his clothes, and the quilt. I also have all my memories and the gifts I received thru the years. That will work for me. The quilt is quite comforting. You wouldn't think so, but I can identify each and every square and picture Jake wearing the shirts, the bathrobe and the pants. It generates memories. I have pictures with his favorites. I'm taking new photos every day of the area and people that were our friends. Pics of the house, and pretty much anything I might want to remember because when I leave here, I won't be coming back. This is not home for me. I moved here to be with Jake.

When you think about moving, what part of the country comes to mind? I chose Arizona because I have family there. But I won't be moving to Phoenix because there are too many people and it is way too hot. I have chosen a spot about two hours north with seasons and more moderate temperatures. I figure that is a whole lot closer than across the country, and we will even be in the same time zone. I am independent, and hope that I am making the right choices, but I won't know until I do it.

As for things with sentimental value, I am giving them to his kids. Ungrateful as they are, but I will know that they will value (hopefully) their father's things and I won't have to haul them across country with me. They will be going to a good home so to speak. I have also given some of his hats and stuff to some of his friends. People that were there for me and were good friends to Jake as well. They appreciate having something that belonged to such a good friend. Again, good home, don't have to haul it. I am photographing everything that leaves so I will still have pictures.

I guess what I am trying to say is, don't be afraid to go it alone. You pretty much are right now anyway. The process is overwhelming. I have days where I just sit here and feel guilty about not doing anything, but can't seem to make myself do what needs to be done. But I think I have allowed myself enough time to complete the process. My goal is to be out of here by the time snow flies. I am sort of looking forward to an adventure. If I don't make it, I will adjust.  A little at a time. I keep remembering Jake saying how do you eat an elepahant? One bite at a time....

I'm so sorry you lost Joe. And everyone else on this forum for your loss as well. It sucks, it is the worst feeling ever and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy, but if I don't do what needs to be done, no one will do it for me. I would feel much worse if I were closed up all alone in this house for six very cold and nasty months..

It has only been three months for me since Jake left. I still cry at the drop of a hat, cry if I think about him too long, and cry if I look at the pictures or talk about him. So I try to keep myself busy, keep my mind busy, and only allow myself a little time each day to truly think about Jake. The fact is, we aren't crying for our lost loved ones, we are crying for ourselves and what we have lost. I have never been one to dwell indefinitely on my hardships, I try to move past them. I'm doing the best I can, and the best I know how. This is definitely the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with. But I have to have faith that it will get easier.

I'm tired of the how are you doing question too. I usually lie and say I am just fine. If I even attempt to say how I really am, I end up in tears and everyone gets uncomfortable. Just isn't worth it.

There was a point to this reply, but I don't know if I covered it or not. But thanks for writing. :) You are not alone.


lovedhim

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Re: One month today - Making changes
« Reply #27 on: May 31, 2010, 10:20:15 AM »
Holly -  thank you for your words of  strength -- so many thoughts you have I have had, too.  And you are right about crying for ourselves, thinking of our lives without our loved ones.  But I also cry for my son's situation, too, and the grandchildren who will never know at least one of their beloved grandpas.
I also cry for the 'might have been' if Joe had lived -- he was much too young to depart this life - his gifts made my life so much richer -- his sense of humor, they way he sensed when I was down, the way he faced life with gusto.  I was always an independent sort of person, but it surprises me now how much I actually depended on my husband.  I feel as if my core has a gigantic hole, and nothing in life gives me the pleasure it once gave. 
I know that the future will be what I make of it -- I am trying now to get by one day at a time.
I, too, don't want to face another winter with snow and a house of hibernation. 
I know Arizona a little - the area you are moving is lovely, and I can tell you will find happiness there.
Thank you for responding.  You have helped me today, and I am grateful.

leo

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Re: One month today - Making changes
« Reply #28 on: May 31, 2010, 10:34:47 AM »
Hello lovedhim,

I sympathize so much for the loss of your husband and the sadness and pain that you relate...I am so sorry for your loss...so  much of what you indicate is what I have been going through with the loss of my partner and darling wife of almost 33 years...we had such a beautiful relationship and perfect life that was blotted out forever...it is now 80 days since she has been gone...I am in a living hell with all the sadness and pain hovering above me constantly...most of the time I do not want to go on...I have such a difficult time at night and especially when I get into bed and have to turn the last light off...it is so agonizing...I cry myself to sleep...I have kept all of my wife's things and have had many photo enlargements made and framed...even some digital photo frames that have so  many pictures of our years together that are constantly flashing all around me...I did turn these off for a while as my mind was being saturated with sadness and emotional distraught...I have used photos as screen savers on the computers...we like our home so much and I wish to stay...so many fond memories to accompany some sad ones at the end...if I give up the sad I give up so much of the other...rarely is there a clear demarcation point...

I do not have the work involvement or related travel that you indicate you have to block out some of the pain temporarily...I have no close friends or family so I frequent this site often...I have cut myself off most of the time from the people we know in our community...they do not understand and are so uncomfortable with my grief...also because of many of the "things" they say which so many of us have experienced...there are some who have lost spouses but they are 5-15 years past  their moment of loss...the thought of my current status in my life brings me to such an emotional breaking point that I can't describe...I still have numbness in my body...my head feels heavy...I have no interest in things...I am in between worlds with a loss so great that my heart breaks apart even further, if that is possible...
I am existing in a house alone that once was so warm, happy and filled with such joy and tender love...now gone forever...it is so sad the way life is designed...the more happiness and joy that you experience...the more you will be set up for greater pain...
I do spend a lot of time in her garden as she really enjoyed it so much...it makes me feel close to her...I talk to her, I cry for her there...
I posted pictures of some of the flowers from her garden on a link that I made if you ever feel up to looking...

http://www.photoshop.com/user/fiorigiardino/?rlang=en_US&wf=shareslideshow&galleryid=cf8011b0be9643c7b58568f780920519&trackingid=BTAGC

Again I am so sorry for the loss of your husband and wish that you have some better days and peace ahead...

Leo


lovedhim

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Re: One month today - Making changes
« Reply #29 on: May 31, 2010, 09:12:31 PM »
Oh, Leo -- I am so sorry for the loss of your beloved wife.  The garden she planted is just beautiful.  You have a talent with the camera, too -- the photos really do the flowers justice.  I hope you continue to take more photos -- perhaps some of birds who frequent your beautiful yard.
Isn't it sad what  the loss of loved ones does to those who are left?  But we must not be defeated in our quest to live with purpose.   I am trying hard to remember who I am, and who I will become.   I am thinking of studying a language, or asking a neighbor to teach me poker, or taking a course at our local college -- anything to keep me busy when I am home.  I took up knitting a few years ago, and recently started a project so I would have something constructive to do.    Holly said it right when she stated that living through this time in her life is the hardest thing she has had to do, and it is the same for me.  We are people who loved and were loved -- what a  feeling to know that those persons who were so wonderful thought we were wonderful, too.  Joe will forever be in my heart and thoughts, and I am a much better person for having been loved by him. That is a thought I am going to think as I lay down to sleep tonight.  I wish you peace, Leo.