Thanks for writing lovedhim. I feel like the odd man out most of the time because I actually have some time in my days where I almost feel like myself. My decisions to move and get rid of stuff, are motivated by the fact that I don't want to be here another miserable winter by myself, and the fact that there are no jobs here. Without Jake, I need to get a job to keep the bills paid. Thankfully, I have a little to get me thru for the time being if I am careful, but it makes me very nervous.
I loved Jake with all my heart. He was my soul mate, my partner in life, my best friend, and I only had him a little over 10 years. I have all the same feelings of guilt, what if's, hurt, and the depression and lack of motivation that comes with grieving. I miss him more than I can put into words. But, he wouldn't want me wallowing in my grief. He was worried about me more than he was about himself. I had to assure him I would be OK, and told him that I would move. He was good with that. We were planning on doing the same thing together if he hadn't gotten sick. So I am trying to do what I promised him I would do and that is to be OK.
I want to start over fresh. With new "stuff" in a new place. Something that is mine. This was Jake's house, and everything here we got together..and I don't want to take it with me. I have Jake's ashes, photos, some of his clothes, and the quilt. I also have all my memories and the gifts I received thru the years. That will work for me. The quilt is quite comforting. You wouldn't think so, but I can identify each and every square and picture Jake wearing the shirts, the bathrobe and the pants. It generates memories. I have pictures with his favorites. I'm taking new photos every day of the area and people that were our friends. Pics of the house, and pretty much anything I might want to remember because when I leave here, I won't be coming back. This is not home for me. I moved here to be with Jake.
When you think about moving, what part of the country comes to mind? I chose Arizona because I have family there. But I won't be moving to Phoenix because there are too many people and it is way too hot. I have chosen a spot about two hours north with seasons and more moderate temperatures. I figure that is a whole lot closer than across the country, and we will even be in the same time zone. I am independent, and hope that I am making the right choices, but I won't know until I do it.
As for things with sentimental value, I am giving them to his kids. Ungrateful as they are, but I will know that they will value (hopefully) their father's things and I won't have to haul them across country with me. They will be going to a good home so to speak. I have also given some of his hats and stuff to some of his friends. People that were there for me and were good friends to Jake as well. They appreciate having something that belonged to such a good friend. Again, good home, don't have to haul it. I am photographing everything that leaves so I will still have pictures.
I guess what I am trying to say is, don't be afraid to go it alone. You pretty much are right now anyway. The process is overwhelming. I have days where I just sit here and feel guilty about not doing anything, but can't seem to make myself do what needs to be done. But I think I have allowed myself enough time to complete the process. My goal is to be out of here by the time snow flies. I am sort of looking forward to an adventure. If I don't make it, I will adjust. A little at a time. I keep remembering Jake saying how do you eat an elepahant? One bite at a time....
I'm so sorry you lost Joe. And everyone else on this forum for your loss as well. It sucks, it is the worst feeling ever and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy, but if I don't do what needs to be done, no one will do it for me. I would feel much worse if I were closed up all alone in this house for six very cold and nasty months..
It has only been three months for me since Jake left. I still cry at the drop of a hat, cry if I think about him too long, and cry if I look at the pictures or talk about him. So I try to keep myself busy, keep my mind busy, and only allow myself a little time each day to truly think about Jake. The fact is, we aren't crying for our lost loved ones, we are crying for ourselves and what we have lost. I have never been one to dwell indefinitely on my hardships, I try to move past them. I'm doing the best I can, and the best I know how. This is definitely the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with. But I have to have faith that it will get easier.
I'm tired of the how are you doing question too. I usually lie and say I am just fine. If I even attempt to say how I really am, I end up in tears and everyone gets uncomfortable. Just isn't worth it.
There was a point to this reply, but I don't know if I covered it or not. But thanks for writing.
You are not alone.