(((((Gale)))))
I read this with tears. Thank You for sharing Rachel's story. I know this was difficult for you and it's also healthy to be able to write this down, to write all of your feelings down. Have you started a journal? For a long time, I would just jot this-and-that down on scraps of paper, napkins, then I bought a huge pack of paper. Now I have a tower of journals.
It's difficult to even breathe, I understand that. And, at times I had to remind myself to 'breathe.' Sounds like such a simple thing to others who can not understand this pain. Everything we feel after losing a child is anything but simple.
I, along with others who have lost a child can and do offer wonderful and life-saving advice and this is because we all wish that we would have done all of the 'little things' for ourselves in the beginning and taken better care of ourselves. I can remember so many; taking the time out each day to be alone with our thoughts; enjoying a long, hot bath; listening to your favorite music, soothing, relaxing music; taking long walks; eating well and resting, if sleep is not an option. These are all very important as they relate to our well being, both emotionally and physically. Grief/pain zaps our resources and affects our immune systems.
Losing a child takes from us. Robs us of everything we held sacred and pure; Life. Peace of mind and spirit. Time.
The image of the last time we saw our child; I still struggle with this after 7 years. At any given time I can be brought right back to the ER and I see him, the markings on my baby due to the violent way he died...I can still hear my own screams. But, it is not as intense and I have learned to focus on Jeff's smile and the deep love we felt for one another. But, that took time. This all takes a lot of time, Gale.
Kaylee is precious to you, I know and she is old enough to remember her Momma very well. She looks to be the same age as Jeff's daughter was when he died. It is so difficult for these little ones to understand. There are many wonderful books for children explaining where their Mom's and Dad's go when they leave this earth. I will pm you with the titles.
And, regarding Rachel's last wish and your feeling that you have not honored that, you have. You did the very best you could and what I would have done, too. Please be kind to yourself.
Thank You, again for sharing Rachel with us. I agree that she was a girly, girl in every sense. So very pretty, too.
I'm so sorry, Gale that you have to live without your sweet girl. Just know that you are never alone and you will always have a hand to pull you up and a shoulder to lean on.
None of us chose this life but here we are and we are surviving, one day at a time. And, mostly we are surviving because of love. The love of our children, that never dies. The love of friends who never forsake us in our time of need. Love of self, which it's necessity will become more evident over time.
You have my Love and always, loving thoughts of Rachel. Hugs & Love to Kaylee.
Terry