Author Topic: Feeling Totally Useless and a Burden  (Read 21025 times)

Dena

  • nospam
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 1252
    • View Profile
Re: Feeling Totally Useless and a Burden
« Reply #15 on: March 11, 2010, 05:33:09 AM »
Hi Don,

I have been thinking of you.  My husband was just in the hospital. He was in diabetic crisis- a new diabetic. It isn't the way you want to find that out. He also has issues with his blood pressure.  You are not alone.  After a while on this journey, the grief seems to turn inward and it takes such a terrible toll on us.

Please take care of you.

Hugs,
Dena, Josh's Mom

Terry

  • Administrator
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 5951
    • “Grief is like the ocean; it comes on waves ebbing and flowing. Sometimes the water is calm, and sometimes it is overwhelming. All we can do is learn to swim.” –Vicki Harrison
    • View Profile
Re: Feeling Totally Useless and a Burden
« Reply #16 on: March 11, 2010, 10:55:12 AM »
Hi Dena,

Is your husband out of the hospital? I'm glad he's doing much better. What a scare for you, I'm sure.

Hi Don.

I am thinking of you, too and sure wish I had some sound advice to offer but something I was thinking about was this weather. Winter, and how I suffer from seasonal depression and did not take note of detail this year regarding the lighting in my home. It really did make a difference.

Being cooped up in the house and being so limited as to our activities affects our health. Has your situation worsened over the winter months?

I know there's not one single answer and there is NO solution, as the only one would be to have our children back. But, so many factors do affect our immune systems, our emotional states and our will to even 'want' to feel better. I know that's the case for me.

Maybe when the weather breaks you may feel like starting another or adding to Donny's garden. I do this every year and for me it's good therapy. Anything physical. I know it's the push that we need to get us started, to get us 'out there' but once we climb that mountain, it seems to get a bit easier.

Just throwing that out there because I care.

My Love,
Terry

Brenda(Jessica's Mom)

  • nospam
  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 243
    • View Profile
    • Jessica Kaiser
Re: Feeling Totally Useless and a Burden
« Reply #17 on: March 14, 2010, 11:33:05 AM »
((Don)) June of 2004 changed me too. I can relate to you feeling useless. Many days I find myself muddling thru the day, attemtping to busy myself with mondane tasks and not caring about anything at ALL. Its like my brain has overloaded and went on auto pilot, and my heart is so heavy it is a burden to get out of bed. Ive been told that we all have a purpose here, I just have no idea what the heck my purpose is, other than to cook and clean. BUT, not all my days are like this, there is an occasional day when my heart feels a bit lighter, and I can find a small measurable light, so I keep plugging on. I try my hardest to remember that things could be worse. I look at the devestation in haiti, chile, etc, and try to be thankful I didnt lose more than I have. I guess thats all we CAN do, is try. Sending you hugs Don!

SueH

  • nospam
  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 208
    • View Profile
Re: Feeling Totally Useless and a Burden
« Reply #18 on: March 19, 2010, 02:42:33 PM »
Hi Don,
I can't remember my last post on this forum, but it has been a long long long time ago.
I decided to just pop in today and see if anything jumped at me. Your post did.
Your story seems, like it could be my husbands story. So.. I think all in all, what you are feeling is what most do as well.
I know it just sucks... But still  there is something to live for... there is a purpose to all this... one day we'll find out.
My life these past 8 years have not changed in anyway.. I STILL feel like I did in 2001. Lots of terrible health issues between me, my husband and my surviving son. My father just passed away a few months ago... and last week my niece committed suicide.. only 23.... it just never ends.  But.. still I must go on, for my son and husband. So.. with all the sadness and depression that I and my family endures.. we TRY and find something.. to help get us by another day.
I know that Sara would NOT want us to be living the life we have... so that helps us to make a change to do something fun... even if it's only once in a while...
Take care...
Sue *Sara's* Mom
"yep yep yep"

Terry

  • Administrator
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 5951
    • “Grief is like the ocean; it comes on waves ebbing and flowing. Sometimes the water is calm, and sometimes it is overwhelming. All we can do is learn to swim.” –Vicki Harrison
    • View Profile
Re: Feeling Totally Useless and a Burden
« Reply #19 on: March 19, 2010, 07:13:41 PM »
Hi Sue,

It sure has been awhile and thought I'd pop in and say hi and also that I'm very sorry to hear about your Dad and your niece. Just heartbreaking. ((((( Sue )))))

And, you're right, it just keeps on coming. I've had to deal with the same, here. Too many losses and it seems since I'm/we're getting older and our hearts have already taken a beaten, it almost feels as if any further loss is unsurvivable. But, we know that's not true because we're all surviving and most of us are actually, living.

I shared with a friend just recently what you mentioned in your post, that your life has not changed since Sara's death. And, in a way it's true for me, too. In the sense that the pain is still there as I carry it everywhere but the difference is I don't fight it any longer and I'm able to live 'with' it.  Now, if I didn't 'feel' the pain, I would probably seek some professional help. Pain won't kill us. Not feeling it, can and does.

On a more positive note, I, and I know many here, have come a long way. And, it's awesome to see and hopeful for those new on this journey to know that their lives will not always feel so unmanageable. So uncertain. And, I hope that that is felt in my posts when offering comfort to another here because although I never hold back on sharing my pain, I also freely share of the joy and the peace and the love that I have  'rediscovered'  when returning to life after a very long time away, from me.

And, although it's not the life we thought we would be living and at this stage in our lives, it's our life and we must do the best we can with each day. I agree with you 100% with finding a little fun. Bringing joy into another's life is so fulfilling. And, the most precious is being surrounded by those we love and who love us.

I always enjoy reading your posts, Sue. You are always so straight-forward and always, real.

I'm glad you stopped in and don't be a stranger. Being further along and already experiencing so much, you have still, so much to offer to others. We all need others to be there when we reach out and visa-versa because we all remember, and only too well, what it was like for us those first weeks, months and even the earlier years. I'm thankful that you, Sue and so many others were there for me and now it's time to give back the love/support, even though going 'back there' can be painful, I find it to still be very healing.

It was wonderful to see Sara's beautiful smile.
Love & Hugs,
Terry

laurenE

  • nospam
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 1439
    • View Profile
Re: Feeling Totally Useless and a Burden
« Reply #20 on: March 23, 2010, 05:40:59 PM »
Don,

Are you still around?  Please let us know how you are doing. We care for you here.

lauren

Donnys Dad

  • nospam
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 551
  • Donny At Football Hall of Fame, Another Great Trip
    • View Profile
    • Donny's Memorial Website
Re: Feeling Totally Useless and a Burden
« Reply #21 on: March 24, 2010, 08:21:05 AM »
Lauren,
Thank you for your posting.  Yes I am still around for another lonely empty day.  Just waiting to be back with my Buddy.

Thank you again for caring, it means a lot.....................

Don
I Miss You So Much Buddy, My Best Friend, My Tiger

Don, Donny's Proud Dad


laurenE

  • nospam
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 1439
    • View Profile
Re: Feeling Totally Useless and a Burden
« Reply #22 on: March 24, 2010, 03:34:31 PM »
Hey Don!

Im glad you are still here.  I hope you find friends to reach out to (b/c they dont know what we need until we let them know)  and something enjoyable to do this week.  (even if you have to force yourself to get out and do it).

Thanks for posting!  It was really good to see you again!

LaVonne

  • nospam
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 724
    • View Profile
Re: Feeling Totally Useless and a Burden
« Reply #23 on: March 24, 2010, 06:16:15 PM »
Don:

I will keep you in my prayers. This is a terrible time right now for you and yes we have all been there. Depression can be very bad and sometimes we need to seek help to get us through. I was on them for years and now I have been off everything except high blood pressure pills for 3 to 4 years. I still work and keep very busy so don't let myself think. When I do get down I have a great support group at work and home.  I miss my son very much but I also know I can't do anything to bring him back so I have learned to live for the day and live each day to the fullest because we don't know what tomarow will bring. I enjoy every minute with my grandkids and my son. My son always told me I have to live for the living and I still have him and he is so right. You have not been without Donny as long as I have been without Jason. It gets better(At least for me) but I can't say that for everyone.
 I hope you can get some meds to help with depression and that you start feeling a little better each day. Life is hard to live without our kids and you did everything with Donny so that is hard. Jason and I did everything together. I have had a lot of death and tragic things happen in the last 7 months but I have prevailed and Have a lot more hard times ahead but I will make it. I have a very strong will so I guess I am lucky to be where I am. I don't handle accidents well and when they happen I fall to pieces but I know I have to get back up and push on.  I wish I could quit at times but life will not let me.  I guess its good to work because you don't have time to think. I have had many signs lately from Jason so that too keeps me going. Guess I need to sign off. Take care and I think of you and Donny often. I hope the depression gets better and please know you are not worthless you are a wonderful loving Dad who misses his son.  Your family loves you and need you.   LaVonne

Dottie (Tammie's Mom)

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 1134
  • Tammie (My Precious Daughter) 8-9-65/9-14-05
    • View Profile
    • Project Tammie
Re: Feeling Totally Useless and a Burden
« Reply #24 on: March 27, 2010, 06:09:56 AM »
Dear Don,

You know I am thinking of you and Donny. Our lives will always be different without our kids. I don't think it really ever gets better I think we at some point learn to live with our pain and emptiness it just becomes part of who we are.

Health problems come along with the grief. Getting help for our health problems is something we force ourseleves to do for our families.

It will be 5 years this September since Tammie died and is it better ?? I would say just different now. I miss her daily, her phone calls, her drop in visits, her smile and laugh and even her tears. But I have learned keeping busy helps me to not think so much about things I can not change. I think we all live with survivors guilt. As a parent we should not out live our kids.

People around us think we should be over IT !! But we never get over the death of a child.

After the first two heart breaking years I was finally convinced to take a antidepressant it has helped. I still take it. Depression can just suck us in to a dark place and keep us there. I know Donny would not want that for you.

Know I care and I think of you so often.

Nice to see some of the people reply to you who helped me in my early grief.

BIG HUGS DEAR DON,
Dottie Tammie's Mom

Terry

  • Administrator
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 5951
    • “Grief is like the ocean; it comes on waves ebbing and flowing. Sometimes the water is calm, and sometimes it is overwhelming. All we can do is learn to swim.” –Vicki Harrison
    • View Profile
Re: Feeling Totally Useless and a Burden
« Reply #25 on: March 29, 2010, 10:07:13 PM »
Hi Don,

Thinking of you and hoping things are looking up for you. The weather is changing, thank goodness and maybe you'll get a chance to be outdoors in the sunshine. I, for one am glad that winter is over.

Love to you and thoughts of Donny, always,
Terry

laurenE

  • nospam
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 1439
    • View Profile
Re: Feeling Totally Useless and a Burden
« Reply #26 on: March 30, 2010, 04:18:27 AM »
Don,

Lifting you up today in thoughts and prayers.

Sara D.s mom

  • nospam
  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 17
    • View Profile
Re: Feeling Totally Useless and a Burden
« Reply #27 on: March 31, 2010, 12:47:34 AM »
Don,

I must tell you that I read your message every night.
I have similar feelings about myself since Sara left thirty months ago.

I feel as if I have done everything in my life that I will do.
This was suposed to be Sara's time. I saw her grow into such a beautiful young woman, and then lost her in an accident at nineteen.

I feel my life ended on that day.
I drag myself from the bed to the couch.
I gained weight, let myself go because nothing matters without Sara.
There is no one to strive to go on for, since Sara is my only child.
My husband and I live in the same house, but we grieve separately, and I have read and heard about our different ways to grieve.
He self-medicates with alcohol, and I with food.

We both feel enormous guilt, along with our profound sadness.

I don't feel that I am a burden, however, since family and friends have distanced themselves from us. It must be hard to see our pain.

My thanks to Terry, for always reaching out to me.

I have been to several different therapists, taken several different medications.
But the truth is that I, like you, just want to be with Sara.
That is the only thought that brings me comfort.

I am so sorry for your pain.

When I read your message, I didn't feel quite so alone.

Thank you for sharing,
Betty
Sara D's Mom


John-Danielle Marie's Daddy

  • nospam
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 617
  • Always Loving, Always Loved
    • View Profile
    • Danielle Marie's Memorial Website
Re: Feeling Totally Useless and a Burden
« Reply #28 on: April 08, 2010, 12:39:54 PM »
My Friend in Grief Don,

I wish that I could wrap my arms around and hug your pain away. You are a wonderful, warm and caring person and I want you to know that I TRULY care and UNDERSTAND your pain and anguish. Please don’t GIVE-UP! I am sure that Don is crying as he sees his loving dad suffering so much.
I am so very sorry that you are having such a difficult time as you approach the 6th anniversary of your beloved son, Donny’s death. When I first joined this wonderful support board, you were a source of inspiration to me and I treasure your friendship as we travel along this relentless “journey” of grief. I can’t imagine what you have gone through over the past 6 years after finding your beloved son that day he could find no other solution, but to take his own life.
I wish there was something to life this terrible pain and burden from our life and bring our precious sons and daughters back to us.

I want to share with you part my journey after the death of Danielle Marie…
When I found out that my daughter, Danielle Marie had been killed in that horrible accident, I felt my whole world crumble. Everything that I held sacred in my life and family was now shattered. I understand COMPLETELY about feeling “useless” and being a “burden” I too have felt this way and even have had many thoughts of suicide. The devastating pain, anguish and disbelief consumed my very soul and it took every ounce of energy and shear will that I possessed not to take my own life.
The thought of my daughter being alone in death, not knowing why she died or that she was missed was a horrible feeling and all I could think of was that as her father, it was my responsibility to search for her (even in death) and console her and reassure her that she is loved and that her death was not her fault.
While it is impossible for those who have not suffered the death of a child to grasp the emotional, mental and physical pain related to a child’s death, the loss that our family has had to endure because of Danielle’s untimely, senseless and traumatic death has been a horrible nightmare.
Even now, 4 years later, each day, I'm hurting, and I don't understand! What reason? Why do we have to endure such pain? What could be the reason? Are we to feel better when we know why all this happened to us? Still, why me? My precious daughter, Danielle, WHY? I dread tomorrow! And all the memories of that day, when they told me that horrible news that no parent EVER wants to hear. Where is she I ask? Is she ok? And all they could do was look down, and try to comfort me. I remember the screaming and my stomach hurting me so badly I had to vomit, the pain brought me to my knees, and I begged and begged that it wasn't true!! OH GOD NO!!!! Please NO!!! But it happened, and there is NOTHING I can do about it! Nothing!!! So I'll wake everyday, without a cause, just to fill up a date in time, and wait, and wait, till my time comes to see where Danielle is. I'm sorry for all this emotion, I just can't take it sometimes, the pretending is wearing off, and my mask is getting soaked. I just don't understand!! Why LORD? Why were we picked? Why us?
 Don, this is the terrible part of the journey where “REALITY” is the most difficult thing to face after the death of your handsome son, Donny. Everything that happens in your life now if amplified a million times, hurts more than you can ever be ready for and feels like the weight of the whole world is on your back.
I wanted to share with you that I felt many of the same feelings that you are feeling now. I wanted to crawl into a hole and never see the light of day again.
In December of 2006, I knew that I needed help with how I was feeling. I contacted my physician about my deep depression and anxiety. He saw me immediately and we talked about the events and how I was “coping” over the past year. We talked about how I was performing my work, home and family duties and became concerned when I informed him about how I was feeling inadequate as a husband and father and that I had thoughts of suicide several times over the past year.
I have been on this medication since December of 2006 and continue to take when needed. It has helped tremendously with my depression and anxiety. I still have those “VERY BAD” days when NOTHING helps, but now I have more energy and realize that I need to be here for my wife, son and the rest of my family.

Thank you SO MUCH for allowing me to share my feelings with you. I pray that you find some peace and comfort in your shattered life. Please know you and your son, Donny are always in my thoughts and prayers.

Yours in Grief,
John
Wishing You All Continuous Comfort & Peace,
John-Danielle Marie’s Daddy
1/4/95-2/20/06 (head trauma-motor vehicle accident)
“Her friendship was an inspiration, her love a blessing”

Donnys Dad

  • nospam
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 551
  • Donny At Football Hall of Fame, Another Great Trip
    • View Profile
    • Donny's Memorial Website
Re: Feeling Totally Useless and a Burden
« Reply #29 on: April 09, 2010, 08:13:49 AM »
John, thank you so very much for sharing your feelings with me.  It is somewhat comforting to know I am not the only one that feels this way.  Sometimes I wish I was still working to perhaps take my mind of this tragedy.  Why Donny did what he did I will never know.  He knew he could count on me for anything, I would gladly of given my life for him.  7 hours before he seemed so happy with his new house and truck, then this.

I still blame myself for not somehow seeing this coming.

Anyway, thanks again John and I think of you Marie very often. 

Your friend

Don
I Miss You So Much Buddy, My Best Friend, My Tiger

Don, Donny's Proud Dad