Author Topic: Feeling Totally Useless and a Burden  (Read 21029 times)

Donnys Dad

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Feeling Totally Useless and a Burden
« on: February 21, 2010, 10:00:38 AM »
Not sure if any of you have felt like this but it sure has hit me hard.  Donny is approaching the 6 year mark that he left me in June 2004.  I knew when I found him my life was over.

Since June of 2004 I have developed diabetes and must take insulin, doctor gives me so many pills but nothing works for my severe depression.  Am so short of breath, have develped PADD (Peripheal Artery Disease in both legs and can now walk only about 4o yards until the excruciating pain hit.  I get severe dizzy spells and have fallen down several times.  There is more but you must be getting bored by now.

I have no strength or desire to do anything.  When Donny was here I would cut grass with him each day and work on his new house.  Oh how I loved being with him doing things.

I just feel like I am useless and a big burden on my family.  My wife and daughter are doing everything I just to be able to do.  I have become a 6'4" 265 Blob.  Life was so good up until June of 2004, now I can't wait until it ends.

Sorry for such a depessing Post but was just wondering if anyone else has gone thru this.  Take care my Friends

Don
I Miss You So Much Buddy, My Best Friend, My Tiger

Don, Donny's Proud Dad


Brenda Taylors Mom

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Re: Feeling Totally Useless and a Burden
« Reply #1 on: February 21, 2010, 12:50:51 PM »
Don, I have felt that way many many times. I have more health problems now than I ever have in my entire life. I wish I could just give up, but I keep going, just like you. I'm sorry you have those medical problems going on all at once. I think depression and grief affect our immune system horribly. I think of your Donny every day. I feel like him and Taylor are very close and buddies. Let the ones who love you take care of you, you have taken care of them all your life. I'm sorry, this whole existence seems useless sometimes. I know what I've said didn't lighten you up, but I know how you feel.
Love
Brenda

Dena

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Re: Feeling Totally Useless and a Burden
« Reply #2 on: February 21, 2010, 01:20:03 PM »
(((Don)))

I totally understand where you are coming from. Today, I looked at a picture of my family, Josh included, a few years prior to his death.  The difference is stunning.  Since Josh's death, I have had issues with depression & anxiety.  I also have asthma/copd - but they havent figured out which it is yet. 

Grief takes such a toll on us. You are not boring at all -we all need to vent and it is important. 

Hugs,
Dena, Josh's Mom

quint906

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Re: Feeling Totally Useless and a Burden
« Reply #3 on: February 21, 2010, 02:08:14 PM »
Hi Don.  It's been a long time.  I know how you feel.  Unfortunately my situation if that "everybody" needs me and depends on me.  I've pretty much shut myself off from friends and family for the last three years.  As far as illnesses go, I don't go to the doctor.  My thinking is "what's meant to be will be".  I miss Cory so much and I'm watching life go on around me.  This void I feel is mine and mine alone.  I just go through the motions.  I keep hearing that Cory is still with me but yet, why can't I feel his presence?  This might sound strange, but it's comforting to know that I'm not the only one that feels this way.  I think of you, and my friend Jo (Wades Mom) often but it's just so hard to burden you with my erractic moods.  I keep waiting for some kind of change, but it's just not happening.  Someday, huh?
Please try to be strong.  You were there for me when I first came here and opened up your heart to welcome me.  You will always be in my heart and thoughts.

Annette

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Re: Feeling Totally Useless and a Burden
« Reply #4 on: February 21, 2010, 02:38:14 PM »
Yes, my health has gone downhill and I've gained so much weight (after initially dropping quite a bit when Michael died). I'm bigger than I ever was and I have PTSD. Of course menopause hitting me probably hasn't helped. I often think it will be a blessing when I die, even for my surviving son. He, of course, does not see if that way, and it just kills me that having him isn't enough... hard to explain... I've always even been closer to my surviving son, but the pain is so great and so dominant in my life that it's very hard to even feel like I'm a mom (and I feel bad saying that, because I'm fortunate to have a child living). I feel so dead inside.

I'm the oldest girl in my family and have the oldest kids, but my sister's son (who got married last year) just found out his adorable wife is pregnant. I burst into tears and just feel the loss. I can't feel happy about their new baby, but know I should. I know I will feel happy, but the loss of the grandchildren I will never have with Michael is killing me. I'm so selfish. I haven't been able to call my sister and say anything to her. She has 6 kids. I always wanted more, but circumstances prevented it, and I had two wonderful boys. Everyone tells me to be happy for the child I still have. I love him terribly, but my pain is just so great, I know I don't think straight.
Michael's Mom
12-13-82 - 5-14-07

Trevor & Michael 2004 Age3

Debh

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Re: Feeling Totally Useless and a Burden
« Reply #5 on: February 21, 2010, 03:35:12 PM »
Don I am sorry to read about your illnesses. Our health can go downhill, its heck getting old and grief takes a toll on us. I have been down over two years now, everytime I go to the doctor something new developes. I spend most of my time out at the doctors. I try and keep busy with things I can do, if I didn't have that I would go totally bonkers.

I also have spells of depression. Fortunatley I know the signs and try to get out before it takes me to the pit of darkness. I hope they can find something to help you with depression, its so hard to live with depression. I ended up going to a Physchiatrist to find the right depression meds for me, something that would work with all my other meds. I am doing pretty good now. You might try that if you haven't.  Physchitrist only suscribe meds here.

Donny was a huge part of you life, grief takes a person in all kind of directions, your health can also. I wish we lived closer I would come over and play cards or something with you. It helps so much to find good and  some fun in each day. It can be difficult to do at times.

Wish I had the answers Don. Only have what worked for me.

 Know I care and understand.

Love Deb

Katie--Adam's Mom

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Re: Feeling Totally Useless and a Burden
« Reply #6 on: February 21, 2010, 07:20:02 PM »
Dear Don,

I'm so sorry to hear of all the health issues you are suffering.  I think it is fairly *normal* for us bereaved parents, sadly.  At least for my husband and I it is the way it is now.  Hubby had emergency heart surgery (only 2 days into his new job so he lost that) 3 years ago.  His surgeon and all of his doctors blame the stress of losing Adam for accelerating what had been a minor condition into critical heart failure.  We both have depression, I have had one health scare after another and just had my blood pressure (that was always extremely low) go thru the roof 2 minutes into a stress test.  Not to mention all the auto-immune junk that is stress induced.  We take meds, meds and more meds, monitor this, monitor that... way too much for people our ages.

Please try not to feel like a burden, or guilty because you are experiencing what happens to so many of us.  Do what you can and just work with your doctors to find what helps.  We all have enough pain, guilt and stuff without beating ourselves up over the toll that grief takes on our health.


Take gentle care and know that I am thinking of you, Donny and your family.

Love & hugs,
Katie

MelissaCharliesMom

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Re: Feeling Totally Useless and a Burden
« Reply #7 on: February 22, 2010, 05:23:54 PM »
Please know I think of you often...you and Donny, since Charlie and Donnie share June 2004 as angel dates....the days our lives, as they were, ended!!!I am so sorry youre going through a difficult time with health issues and depression and the overwhelming sadness that follows us everywhere we go. Just know I care and am sending thoughts of peace and strength your way.

WendyRN

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Re: Feeling Totally Useless and a Burden
« Reply #8 on: February 23, 2010, 12:13:17 AM »
Don, I'm just so sorry.  For you and for all of us.  Sending you the strength to get through these dark days of depression and hope you find a light.  Life will never be what it was and you will always miss your son and all the things you shared.  It sounds like you had an extraordinarily strong relationship with Donny.  The fact that you and your doctor continue to seek the right combination of medications that will hopefully lift the worst of the depression is encouraging.  Take gentle care of yourself while you continue to work through this. 

Grieving so hard takes such a toll and is complicated by spiralling health concerns.  Somehow you have to find the strength to continue fighting for your health.  For myself, I believe I have aged 10 years in the  2 1/2 years since Keith's been gone.  My weight has been on a steady incline for the past couple of years and I seem powerless to smarten up.  Depression and anxiety don't help with constant G.I. tract problems either.  But so far no serious effect on my health. 

I encourage you to continue contributing here whenever you feel the need.  We're here for you as you have been here for so many others.  Sometimes its ALL we can do.

Wendy, Keith's mom

Paula, Tims Mom

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Re: Feeling Totally Useless and a Burden
« Reply #9 on: March 01, 2010, 09:09:46 AM »
Sorry to know how hard you are struggling, Don. I don't even dare get my health checked, I'm afraid of the answers.
I hate the weight gain and depression. I know I'm in denial and illogical given that I've got familiy that needs me but-eh?
I have kind of decided to do one small thing this spring, take a class that makes me move. Tim would want me to to get and stay healthier
for whatever ime I have left.
Take Care- know that I care.
God Bless.
Paula, Tims Mom

Ramona

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Re: Feeling Totally Useless and a Burden
« Reply #10 on: March 03, 2010, 09:11:48 PM »
Dear Don,

I came to this board soon after losing my son Tim and stayed for almost seven years.  The support here meant the world to me.  I have also come and read posts on and off afterwards and saw your truly heartfelt and loving posts about your son Donny.   A fathers love is great and so is the loss of a son.  I saw the struggles within my husband.  It is a slow process.  And some time our focus remains inward and we forget about the outward process of our life and that includes our body and health.

In the beginning we can more easily release the pain through the constant grieving that comes.  As time goes on it become more of an inward process where it can become stuck inside us.  I found this quote in my journal further down the road where I said:  "I seem to be searching and trying to stretch my soul.  And yes still grieveing.  There just comes a time when the grief isn't expressed so much outward but felt so deep within your soul. During these times we do need to recognize our soul work.  Because just holding in the pain so deeply can make us ill."  It was during this time I began to search for ways to relieve the stress in  my body, doing some body work with regards to to my health. 

I hope you can talk to your doctor and get on a program to work on your health.  It is a choice we have to sometimes make on this road with grief.  We don't stop loving or missing our child when we start focusing on the other parts of our life.  It is just part of the process of going foward.  At the same time knowing, as we go forward we are moving on in our life tgowards them!   I love that thought, I am not leaving my son behind but moving on towards him.

Don I am sorry for your loss.  Donny is such a handsome youngman and what a smile.  Take of his father, your deserve this care at this time in your grief.  You have worked so very hard with all you have given to this board.  I hope you can find it within yourself to take some time to deal with your health issues.

Take care, Ramona Tim's Mom




WendyRN

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Re: Feeling Totally Useless and a Burden
« Reply #11 on: March 04, 2010, 12:00:27 AM »
Ramona

Your advice is full of wisdom for Don.  I'm listening too.  You make sense to me.  Your words are what I know.  But just can't seem to incorporate into my life.  Does this dog-tired fatigue ever stop?  I'm tired of ....... everything.

Wendy, Keith's mom

Carol A

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Re: Feeling Totally Useless and a Burden
« Reply #12 on: March 04, 2010, 05:41:08 PM »
I've gained over 30 lbs since Vikki died. My knees ache too...I think from
the extra weight but also because It's all I can do sometimes to get out of bed and be happy about the day.
I have my grandkids, my other daughter and lord knows I want to be there
for them, it's just living with this void, this hole in my heart isn't easy.
Don..you are much more than your weight, your knee problems. You are a wonderful, loving man who lost his son. If you are like me , sometimes you feel guilty when you have a good day. I know I do. I feel guilty that I could have done more. I should have seen things that I missed. So...I punish myself. Pain of any sort is an indication of guilt [ in my opinion] Guilt always seeks punishment and punishment creates pain. Sometimes it's buried so deep inside we are not even aware of it . I know it's a useless emotion and never makes anyone feel better..and it doesn't change the situation.
I was told this by someone - I realized I felt guilty for lots of things, being
overweight, useless, bad knees, bad back...
They told me " your sentence is over , so let yourself out of prison...forgive myself.*
You know what Don, it's not easy but I have a feeling Vikki would want me to live life, to be as happy on earth as I can be.
I think Don would feel the same. Something tells me where they are, they are looking at us and saying * LIVE!!! - We'll see you one day - until that day, LIVE*
So - I try. I hope you know you are are NOT useless ..and you are not a burden.

laurenE

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Re: Feeling Totally Useless and a Burden
« Reply #13 on: March 06, 2010, 06:33:57 PM »
Donnys Dad,

I hope you are feeling a bit better today.  I will pray for you, that this burden of depression will lift.   Depression is such a horrible horrible thing to deal with.  Please continue to reach out to professionals,  ministers,  friends,  etc so that they can hold you up until your depression lifts.    Please dont even consider doing any harm to yourself, as your posts are read by many here who would be so sad without you.  I know your family has been through so much in the loss of your son.  If you were not around you would hurt them all deeply..deeper than the pain they have already endured.  Sometimes in our deep depression we forget that.   Please dont. 
We are here for you.  And we do understand the deep depression that you suffer from.  We are lifting you up with loving arms (picture us lifting you up by your shirt collar :) )   holding you til you can get back on your feet again.

Please let us know how you are doing.

lauren

Terry

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Re: Feeling Totally Useless and a Burden
« Reply #14 on: March 07, 2010, 10:46:29 PM »
Don,

Please don't ever feel that you are boring anyone and I'm sorry you feel as if you're a burden on your family. I'm sure they don't feel that way.

These 'dates' of remembering are like demons with razor sharp claws that rip apart the lining of our souls. They have no mercy.
Health problems complicate our grief/our grief causes health problems. Any outside stressors seem to manifest themselves like an event playing out in dark, distorted detail and a frightening, chest-clenching fear, robbing us of the much needed focus, peace and sanity we need just to be able to survive.

This is where I come, Don when what I am feeling, I couldn't dare share with another.

Once when sharing of my feelings with my sister, she hastily replied, "You shouldn't 'talk' that way. You shouldn't 'think' that way. You really need someone to 'talk to'." And, I very frustratingly replied, "I AM talking with someone but she's NOT LISTENING!!!!!"

We're all listening here, Don. Nothing you share will shock anyone here. Or bore anyone.  Or frighten anyone. These are 'real' feelings and I found none of this depressing. We need to talk about 'all' of our feelings, just as you have done here.

Thank you for sharing your heart and know that I love you, Don.

With loving thoughts of your precious Donny,

Terry