new to site dealing with loss of my son

[ytters-mom]

i lost my son on Oct 31 2009. he was 22 years old.  some days i think i am dealing with it ok but others are pure hell.  he was an only child, i had raised by myself since he was 4 years old.
i am not sure how to even start here. i have always kept my emotions to my self
sometimes i feel if i start to cry i may never stop.

[Brenda Taylors Mom]

I'm so very sorry about your son. You can come here and open up any time. The sadness and grief are so new to you and we understand. I lost my 14 year old son Taylor Oct 7th 2004. You will laugh and have joy again, it takes a while and it's a lot of work. Take care of yourself as much as you can. Don't let hateful people in your life. It's 5 years and I still cry everyday. I have joy and happy times, but he's still not home, for that I will be forever sad. Please , when you can, come back and tell us more about your precious son.
Love
Brenda

[ytters-mom]

thanks Brenda,
i have been keeping a journal which helps the worst is at night when i cant sleep.
ytter could be the best kid (adult)  in the world or hell on wheels
he would work for anyone but me, but that was just a mom thing. everyone i talk to said how hard he worked, i would just shake my head and smile.
he loved to argue with me just to get my goat till i figured out what he was doing
when i went thru his computer to look for pic and muisc  i found music that went from country, rock ,classic and every thing in between.

[WendyRN]

Welcome to this dreadful club.  I'm so sorry to hear of the loss of your son and only child.  Its been 2 years and 5 months since I last held my 21 year old son, Keith.  He did not survive a tumble over a 150 foot cliff after being ejected from an atv on a narrow, windy logging road.  We will never stop missing our children in our lives, some days it just seems unbearable, but somehow we learn to go on.  I don't know how, just that we do.  You have only been on this road a short time - your grief still so very raw.  Sometimes it helps to keep busy.  Sometimes you just need to sit and feel.  Feeling every emotion, including the most intense grief.  Some here have  tried medication, counselling (both group and private) with some success.  Haven't myself although I know I have great need.  Keeping a journal is a good idea.  Share whenever and whatever you like about your son.  We're listening and we HEAR you.

Wendy, Keith's mom

[Dena]

I am so sorry for the loss of your precious son.  You have come to the right place for support, understanding & love.  We all walk this sad journey with you.

I hope you will post & share more about your son when you feel ready. It helps to talk.  I lost my firstborn & only son, Josh (14), in a boating drowning accident 10 years ago.  This site and the people here have kept me going through those "firsts".

Are you getting any kind of grief counseling?  That helped me & my family. It was a place to start.

Hugs,
Dena, Josh's Mom

[Dottie (Tammie's Mom)]

So very sorry for the loss of your son. I am sorry you had to look for a place like this but glad you found this one.

I too lost my only child my daughter Tammie. It will be 5 years in September. I never thought I would still be here to see 5 years without her. But I found this safe place and the wonderful understanding people here. Along this journey of grief the people here saved me. I have made life long friends from some of these people.

Again I am so sorry.

Hugs,
Dottie Tammie's Mom

[ytters-mom]

thanks to all of you. i am never sure what to say  it does help to talk to others who have been thru this.

[Brenda Taylors Mom]

ytters mom, it's okay to just read posts until you feel comfortable. Say little, say a lot. A journal helps, I did that too, I drew pictures too, I'd sit at the cemetery on a back road where nobody could find me and draw trees, sounds silly, but it calmed me some. I tried to read grief books but didn't get a thing out of them in the first years, now I do. I tried compassionate friends the second month, but I guess it was just too soon, because I just sat and stared. Your son sounds like mine in the way that he liked to "get your goat" lol.. Taylor loved to tease me just to get me going, I'd get mad, then I'd get to laughing, and that's what he was working on, to get me going then laughing... oh my, I miss that boy of mine. You will get a lot of good advice here, it's a lot to take in at first, but time will help you open up. Love Brenda

[MARTHA(CANDI'S AUNT)]

i'm sorry about the loss of your son . i'm glad you found this site. my niece(CANDI-23) was killed may 13,2005 after she left her son(josh-7 at the time) t-ball game on her way to meet her husband for a cook-out when an 18 yr. old boy told his 2 friends he was going to scare them to death & he came over a hill hitting candi headon killing her instantly.
all 3 in his vehichle survived. josh had went home with his grandparents or he'd been in the truck also.
the bottom picture on here is candi's husband(charles)his girlfriend(davina)her son (koby-8) & candi's son(josh-12). josh is the boy with the very dark hair. charles' girlfriend is very good to josh & charles.
she'll never take candi's place & she doesn't want too. she's a very special person to all our family.
it's hard to believe that in may CANDI will be gone 5 yrs... every dec. me & my sis(LISA-CANDI'S MOM)  go to candi's grave & put a christmas tree on her grave & we decorate it. then we take picture's & i say the same thing every yr."this isn't fair."

lisa reply's"no it's not."

sending you hug's,
martha

[ytters-mom]

this most of what i had in the paper. i am waiting for spring/summer i will go to Canada to spread his ashes. this is where he was born and his Dads family is. i find when i write here i cry which is a good thing cause i dont cry much. 


Ytter-man, my son took his life on Oct 31, 2009
This not my sons name but any one who knew him on-line knew him by this name. As does most of the family.

   He loved trains, from the time he was old enough to walk when a train went past his Grandmothers house he would go to the window to watch. He was a active member at Ribbon & Rails model railroad club. He also had a train layout in the basement, and had started a second smaller layout.
He also liked to go with his father in the logging truck. He was 4 years old when we moved to Sidney.

   He spent many Sunday afternoons taking train pictures and hours of train video on his computer.
His biggest thrill was when he went to Havre to see the Daylight Special #4449 (a steam train) come through. He felt all trains should be steam.
   His other love was music he had a wide variety of music on his computer. Everything from rock to classic to country. he worked for a short time as a DJ on a radio station till he was replaced by a computer set  up. He told me once it was the best job he ever had.
   He also liked to read as with his music his reading material was wide ranging. He was willing to discuss anything and had a an opinion on most everything.

He left us to soon and will be missed by many
 

[Brenda Taylors Mom]

ahhhh Ytter loved trains. That is a sweet picture to think of your little guy going to the window to watch as a train went  by.

[Rebecca]

So sorry for your loss.  My son died at 31.  It will be 5 years.  Today I cannot be of any help because I am a mess myself.  But, I do get different and we can write on here.  For now, crying and screaming is good.  Do whatever it takes.
Rebecca Jason's Mom

[ytters-mom]

thank you all again I am work right now just wanted you all to know i am hanging in there one day at a time.

[ytters-mom]

right now i  cant imange getting thru a year. let alone 5 years.. i have a friend who lost her husband of 25 years a month before ytter died. we have knowen each other since high school. so are being long distance support for each other. she is in Alaska im in Montana. we are making plans to see each other this summer

there are times i cant talk to her or my family her because she has her own pain my family cause they dont seem to have a clue. when they ask how are you doing and i say one day at a time there reponce is oh good. my one sister said you know you dont have to be stoic (sp) i couldnt find the words to tell her what my nights are like. when i cant sleep and my whole body hurts and no matter how i lay in bed i cant get comfortable.

im sure you all have had much the same problems but it helps to put it in words and know someone else understands

[Sara D.s mom]

Somehow we keep going, even though we think we can't.
It has been two years since my Sara left, and I thought I couldn't exist one day without her. And I have done nothing to survive, just somehow drift minute to minute - never, ever looking ahead. Wondering how we live with our broken hearts.

I am so sorry for your pain, and I know it is hard to find someone to be there for you. I guess families want us to be okay, and we are not. How could we be? I know mine is like that. And our pain is in our hearts, on the inside. Although I see it in myself, others don't, or don't want to. They would rather think that we are okay, so they can go back to their world.

There are certain people that I feel comfortable enough to cry with, but they are very few. No one who hasn't experienced this knows the pain we feel, or what our lives are like now.  They couldn't.

It is good that you have someone who you feel understands, even though she is far away.
I have gotten more comfort from people who never knew Sara or me, since they had been on this horrible road. And most of them have been online.
Some parents find comfort in groups, like the compassionate friends.

Days are long, nights are longer.  I had to finally take medication to sleep, just to not be in pain for a while. And then maybe be with Sara in my dreams.

Most times I try to believe that this is not real, that it couldn't be real, that Sara must be out when I am home, or home when I am out. That gets me through a really difficult period of time.

I never know what to say when people ask how I am - I am not okay, but they really don't want to hear how I really am.

Please talk whenever you can.
And know that you are not alone.

Wishing you a moment of comfort,
Betty
Sara D's mom