Author Topic: Too many deaths too soon!  (Read 5104 times)

cjoneslpn

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Too many deaths too soon!
« on: January 25, 2010, 09:55:11 PM »
Somewhere I lost my first post so will try and shorten this one. I lost my father in 2001, my brother, 54yrs old, in 2006 . When my brother passed I thought nothing could hurt any worse. Did I have the biggest wake up call ever 6 months ago when my husband, Charlie, age 59, died from a rare brain tumor, Central Neurocytoma, 12 days after being diagnosed and biopsied. He died on July 14th and we would have celebrated our 36 yr. anniversary August 2nd. He had been disabled for the past few years due to spinal stenosis? I really wonder now! I alwys thought I would go before him so I loaded down insurance on myself and just enough to bury him. In my shock and grief I went back to work 2 weeks after his funeral thinking as a nurse I could do for my patients where I felt I failed him. Bad mistake. I have been out of work several times in 6 months sick!!! I can't seem to get well. We have three grown daughters with their own families and own issues dealing with their fathers death. I feel so alone and confused. I don't feel I can turn to them. I keep trying to be the strong one. I won't cry in front of them or my grandchildren. What do I do??

Luvinmike

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Re: Too many deaths too soon!
« Reply #1 on: January 26, 2010, 04:21:14 AM »
Dear cjoneslpn;
I'm sorry you have been feeling so alone in this. Don't worry about crying or taking time off to rest and grieve in your own ways. I was helped most in my first year of my husband gone by walking, writing a journal, joining groups, church, and I go to a private therapist every few months. I hope you remember that you are not alone in this, and let your family know how you are too. Thinking of you.
Terri

georgiapeaches

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Re: Too many deaths too soon!
« Reply #2 on: January 26, 2010, 10:45:05 AM »
Dear cjoneslpn,
I am so sorry for you loss and the pain you are going through. I  think back when my husband first died and I pushed myself to go back to work to fast for my kids. I didnt want them to go to school and me not be there for them, so I went. (I work at school). but now I think I really needed to take more time off. You really should take sometime for yourself, take care of yourself, like Terri said, get plenty of rest, drink lots of water and go to your family to lean on, they lean on you and you lean on them, thats what family is for. Theres no need to try to do this alone, its to hard of a journey. we are all here to help you, but you do need your family, and you do need to take care of you first always, your health is very important.  My heart goes out to you, anytime you need to talk, we're here for you.

georgia.
MOM                        JOHNNY
 

cjoneslpn

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Re: Too many deaths too soon!
« Reply #3 on: January 26, 2010, 11:19:35 AM »
Thank you for your kind thoughs and suggestions. I can't afford to be out of work and thank God I have understanding bosses. I think dealing with deaths all the time at work has deepened my depression but I LOVE being there to help where I can in patients and families lives. This is the only place I feel I make a difference. It's like a war going on inside on doing for others and doing for myself. I left our local hospital and went to a nursing home setting when I had to place my mother in an Alzheimers lockdown unit. I wanted her to be able to see a familiar face everyday to help with her transition. My mother and husband were very close so now I am having to watch a deeper decline in my mothers mental health as well.

I hope as time goes on my daughters will understand the depth of my loss as well as their own. I can't seem to get through yet. I'm thinking of going for grief councelling as I don't want to be a burden to others who don't understand  my sadness. This forum is a Godsent as you all know the pain and suffering and what's normal and what's not. As a nurse I know the steps but living it is another thing all together.

cokieslittlegirl

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Re: Too many deaths too soon!
« Reply #4 on: January 26, 2010, 01:39:05 PM »
Dear cjones,

I am very sorry for your losses. This is such a long journey, so be good to yourself and give yourself a break...emotionally and physically. 

I thought I would respond because I lost my Dad last Feb due to cancer. He was a wonderful man and I am his only child. My father was everything to me, we were bonded very tightly and I have been severely suffocating in learning how to live without him.  My step mom (whom I have a strong friendship with and love for) is left alone now, world destroyed, and struggles between strength and weakness daily. 
From my perspective, I feel fortunate to be able to share grief with her and for her to share it with me as well. She and I are the only ones who truly understand the relationships we each had with my father. She is the one person I can still run to and cry and I fill the same role for her. Others are not as willing to listen anymore. ANd through the pain we connect and the stories go between sadness and sillyness in remembering my Dad. It helps me to know how much she misses him...I feel less alone in my own struggle, as well as I smile for my Dad in knowing what a beautiful partner he had in life.

We are all human. And I believe that your children want to be there for you in their own way. You might be missing out on a way to connect with them and in turn help to ease their pain in dealing with their father'd death, as well as yours.

Sending you strength and hugs.

cjoneslpn

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Re: Too many deaths too soon!
« Reply #5 on: January 26, 2010, 02:18:23 PM »
I am so sorry for the loss of your father. I can't imagine being an only child. I have tried many ways to reach out to my daughters because I know what they feel losing their father. Our eldest daughter just shut down when he passed but is slowly coming around. She told me last weekend why she avoided me for so long. She said in her mind her Dad gave up and she was mad at him and mad with me for letting him. She stated she knows now that's not how it was and we are working on mending the 6 months since his passing. The middle daughter has been the strongest. She was always Daddy's girl coming up but is there for me also in her own way. The youngest daughter already had a lot of issues going on in her life and tried to commit suicide 2 weeks after her Dad passed. Luckily I was there to see she got the help she needed and she continues in therapy and is doing good so I don't want to add to her problems.

Through reading some of the post I am realizing it is a long, lonely process we have to endure to get through our losses. I am so glad you have your step mom to talk with. My step mom passed from Cancer 5 years before my Dad. My step brother passed a year later and my step sister passed a year ago. I hear what you are saying and I will work harder to turn lose of my feelings with my daughters. I have just always had to play the role of the strong parent and don;t know how to turn lose yet. 

mousewife

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Re: Too many deaths too soon!
« Reply #6 on: January 28, 2010, 02:04:45 PM »
cjoneslpn,

I am sorry for your loss.  I know it's hard.  My husband died at 50 also from brain cancer, but glioblastoma multiforme.  We had almost a year after he was diagnosed, but it was a really hard and devastating year.

Losing a loved spouse who is our best friend, soulmate, confidant, provider, etc., is so unbelievably hard. It can take a long time for us to be able to function as well as we did prior to the loss.

If you can find someone with whom you feel comfortable openly sharing your emotions I think it would be helpful in healing process.  If you are not a person who can do this, or you don't feel anyone else can handle it, it will still be helpful to post your feelings here and receive support.

Peace and Healing,
mousewife

cjoneslpn

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Re: Too many deaths too soon!
« Reply #7 on: January 28, 2010, 10:33:54 PM »
Thank you for your comments. They thought my husbands was a glioblastoma also until they did the biopsy. What makes me so angry is the central neurocytomas can be cured if caught in time. They usually take up to three years to grow the size of his. He was seeing so many doctors for his symptoms, even an Oncologist, that dropped the ball when it came to a diagnosis. To have only 12 days was really hard. We thought we had several months. At least during that time my husband and I were able to talk like never before. I will cherish those 12 days forever.

He went so fast the day he died. I was thankful he didn't have to suffer long but the shock was overwhelming. I still have so much trouble comprehending he's gone. I don't know that I will ever be able to accept it. It seems like yesterday.

I really got a wakeup call this past week. I came down with a nasty virus last Saturday and was bedbound for a few days except for the trips to the bathroom. My children were scared to come around me and I don't blame them but being alone and so sick was so scary.

mousewife

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Re: Too many deaths too soon!
« Reply #8 on: January 29, 2010, 10:31:43 PM »
Yes, I know the feeling of being ill and being alone.  I got a horrible virus two years ago and it is a scary and sad feeling to be ill with no one to help you.  I am also facing the possiblity of some serious illness right now, and it is hard to think of having to go through medical things with no support and even my own death at some point, with no one to be there for me.  I try to live in the moment as much as possible rather than worry about things that might happen, but, it's still a struggle at times.

My mother is also in a nursing home due to dementia and cardiovascular issues.  She is not on a locked unit, but it is still difficult.

Peace and Healing,
mousewife

cjoneslpn

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Re: Too many deaths too soon!
« Reply #9 on: January 29, 2010, 10:50:56 PM »
Alzheimers is one of the ugliest diseases I as a nurse have encountered. It's harder on the family than the patient as they don't realize whats happening. We see the steady decline in our loved ones and are helpless to change it. All we can do is be there for their support and love them no matter the change in mental status.

I'm so sorry you are going through health issues yourself. If I can be of any help please feel free to let me know. Helping others is where I find my joy and happiness.

I take spells where I am so depressed and then I do like I did yesterday and have a talk with myself saying things like,okay he's gone, what are you going to do, wallow in self pity or get up and be the strong person you know you are and go on with life like he wanted you to? I have never felt the feeling I have now so I am fighting hard to deal with them. At times all I want is to join him but I know God's not ready for me yet. There is something he has left for me to do and learn.

tsurandy

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Re: Too many deaths too soon!
« Reply #10 on: February 01, 2010, 12:11:10 PM »
Dear CJ, I am so very sorry for your loss.  We are here for you! 
Peggy's Boy

mousewife

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Re: Too many deaths too soon!
« Reply #11 on: February 08, 2010, 02:42:05 PM »
cjoneslpn,

Thanks for the kind thoughts.  I need to have a follow-up ultrasound done in 6 months, but I didn't have to have anything else done now.

I hope you are feeling as well as possible.  I know you long to be with your husband, but I do agree with you that there is a reason you are still here and there is important work for you to carry on with.

Peace and Healing,
mousewife

cjoneslpn

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Re: Too many deaths too soon!
« Reply #12 on: February 09, 2010, 11:39:56 PM »
I'm beginning to wonder what's going on! We have lost 7 residents in one week and today I gota phone call from my sister-in-law saying her husband went in for stents this morning and ended up being rushed by LifeLink to Chapel Hill for open heart surgery. Not looking good right now. He helped with the sermon at my husbands funeral. My sister-in-law is in bad health and on Nitrogylcerin pills and I'm not sure she will survive if he doesn't make it. Keep them in your prayers.