Time...

[Lisasean2001]

Now is supposed to be the time of year when we celebrate what we have and enjoy the company of our family and friends. However, I find myself wishing to be alone, secluded and wallowing in the stench of my own self pity. I feel alone and segregated from the rest of society as they go onward with their lives and family reunions and joyous occasions. I sit and wrap our son’s presents by myself, an act that we enjoyed together as we would stay up late, drink and toast our son and the family we have. I weep and drench the wrappings in my tears now as that is no longer our toast or our tradition. Ours is spoiled with the resonance of sorrow and wishing for a different reality, an existence where my wife and the mother of our son is still here with us celebrating Christmas and the New Year Holiday.

Realizing that I am not alone in this pit of anguish and loss, I wish that those like me can find a small glimmer of happiness this Holiday season and that they might find joy in some fashion as the remaining days of this year fade into memory. May each of you living and surviving without their loved ones this season remember; as time passes everything changes, but our love remains the same.

I hope you all have a holiday season that brings you light and love and warms your heart in a way that no other time of year can accomplish; Bless you all, Merry Christmas and Happy New Year.

For My Wife:

As the days since your death have slowly clawed their way by, each and every one has left a scar as the reality of your absence burrows its way into my heart and mind like a tick. My world is less bright and overcast with doubt and uncertainty as the light of my confidant has been extinguished. I love you Lisa, Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to you, Mary Lou and Babcia and your sister Tammi. May you all be happy and hold each other close this Holiday season and every season to follow. I will see you and hold you in my arms again when I get there. Please keep an ever watchful eye on our son as you guide and protect him through his journey of life.

Forever in Love,
Sean

[browneyedgirl]

Dear Sean ~ I am so sorry that you are feeling this way....I know this is to be expected...I am however so glad to see you post.

Your beautiful words and eliquent writing have been missed by myself. Your abilty to express your feelings though your writing is an amazing talent you have. 

Please take care of yourself and your little guy!

Pam

[littleha]

Sean, this is my first Christmas without my darling Cathy. The words you wrote, I could not have done better as they reflect exactly how I feel. Pam said it perfectly. You have such a beautiful way with words. May you have some peace at this time of year.
Allan

[georgiapeaches]

Sean,
I agree, I love the way you can express yourself through your writing ,and I'm sorry for your pain. I hope we can all find peace this holiday season and all days.

georgia.

[laurenE]

Sean,

My heart aches for your pain.  I am so sorry life has been so unfair to you.
You are not alone today in your agony. 

lauren

[Luvinmike]

Thinking of you Sean and everyone on this thread and these boards. I too feel l will always ache to hold my loved one and feel okay again. This is so hard, so unbelievably difficult at times.
I will say I cope alot bettter as times goes by and I feel blessed when distracted away from the missing- but the deep ache and wanting to be with my best friend, I know this pain will never leave me.
I just plain miss my husband.
I have my candle lit. My heartfelt prayers go out to all of you and my husband's family as they are hurting too. Thanks for listening.

[Lisasean2001]

Thank you, each and every one of you. I realize how difficult it is to maintain an unselfish attitude when dealing with your own grief and I want to thank you all for your heartfelt sympathy and considerate thoughts. I too am thinking of you in your time of grief and wish you all find love and peace again in your hearts.

Much to my disdain I have found it increasingly upsetting to put many thoughts to paper in the last few months, and much to my surprise even more problematic in the New Year. For the last two weeks I have been in what I can only consider a deep depression. I would wake and go to work and care for my son and do what it was I needed to do; but when I found myself alone for more than any insignificant amount of time my mind would wander off and I would end up in tears and sobbing outrageously as I muttered incomprehensibly to myself. This went on for the better part of the last two weeks and it is just recently that I am making headway amongst the breakers. What I have realized, and I ask if any of you have found this to be true, is that I put on a certain persona, almost unwittingly, when talking and interacting with people at work and even family and others outside of work. I have kept my despair to myself and do not show others how I am feeling on the inside.

Have any of you done this or acted in this way?
I assume it is normal, let me rephrase, I hope it is normal as most people do not wish to reveal their fragility to strangers or people that they do not feel comfortable with.

Again, thank you all for thinking of me and my family during this dreadful time in our lives. I wish you all some measure of comfort and hope each of you can find it in your hearts to smile at least once a day when thinking about the love you shared and cherished with the people who have brought us together.

Sean

[mousewife]

Sean,

I think most people don't share the depth of their feeling with others as they are out and about in daily life.  So I don't think this aspect of your experience is different.  It also seems, both from comments made on this site and my own life, that the last few weeks have been difficult for many of us.  So sorry for us all.

Peace and Healing,
mousewife

[sevenofwands]

Hello Sean:

I am so sorry for your loss and sadness, and your reactions are perfectly normal within the grief process.  It is so so hard when sorely missing your loved one.

It is totally normal to put on another persona when at work.  I think veryone does this, whether engaged in grieving or not.  We sort of have our "business" face, and our "at home or leisure" face.  It is just so much harder when grieving, and as you say difficult to reveal one's fragility to strangers and outsiders.   Then again, oddly enough, a stranger can sometimes be more comforting than family members.  After all we are in a sense all strangers on here, as we have not met face to face.  Yet, despite that, or perhaps because of it, we can hopefully offer words of comfort.

Wishing you peace.
All the best

Seven

[Lisasean2001]

Hello,

Thank you for confirming what I thought, or at least was inclined to think, was normal. My only reservation about all of this is that normal sucks. There are times I wish that I was abnormal or maybe even crazy. Times I wish that my reality was just a figment of my imagination a glimpse into my psyche that once revealed shows I have made up the whole illusion of my life and that what I experienced was just a moment in time where I slipped from reality into a world fabricated in my mind and what I thought was happiness was just an artifice of my mind and I am still single, not a father and my life is no different than when I was happy before I met Lisa.
Only problem with that thought, I look back in hindsight and realize that I was not happy before Lisa. I was lacking and wanting. I was missing the best part of me, the part that Lisa made come to the forefront of my persona. The part of me that she loved and the part of me that I gave freely to her and let her have. A part that I had no idea was in me until Lisa brought it out.

I think it is the same for all of us. Once you have found love and you spend time with the person who makes you better and makes you live above and beyond the person that you normally are, you find that you have given so much of yourself to that person and have opened your heart to them like no other that it scares you. That is where the fear of love comes from. We are afraid that once we have given that part of us that is hidden deep down and reserved for those few that touch us in a way that no other can, we are afraid that we have in a sense allowed ourselves to be compromised and taken advantage of. This is where trust comes from. Once we have revealed our inner selves and given all of us to that person, they keep it close and do not reveal our weaknesses and flaws but rather embrace them and hold them tight to their heart as if protecting them from the evil world wishing to do them harm. This is what Lisa did for me and I hope that each of you here have had this experience and have felt this way about someone in your life.

I do not wish to ramble but I sometimes blather on like this as I feel revelations come to mind. I hope that what I wrote has inspired someone else to reflect back on their life and realize that the best part of them is not actually them; it is the person that believes in them and inspires them to be the best that they can. That is where love comes from.
Love is the little bit in each of us that someone else finds to be what they can not live without.

Sean

[sevenofwands]

Sean:

That is a beautiful post.  You and your Lisa were so fortunate to have had what you had.  That incredible and profound trust.  I am so sorry she had to leave this life and you.  It is not given to many to have what you both had, believe me.

Best to you
Seven

[erinatkins]

Sean,

I think you said alot of what we all feel. It is not easy.

Erin