Author Topic: new year  (Read 5118 times)

cokieslittlegirl

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new year
« on: January 03, 2010, 09:23:10 AM »
The New Year passing was worse for me than any of the winter holidays. During the last couple of months I've been sad, but more about just the season in general. The thought of families together and happy. Mine is destroyed.  Christmas day came and went.

On New Years Eve I woke up with an ache that lasted all day...it just got worse and as we moved toward midnight I began to feel very depressed, angry, and teary- it just overcame me and I went to sleep immediately to shut it out.

SOmething about the passing of time for me really cuts me off at the knees.  My dad was alive in 2009, if only for a short time. I just don't want to fully accept that I must move forward, even though I do it everyday.

georgiapeaches

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Re: new year
« Reply #1 on: January 03, 2010, 01:21:26 PM »
Dear Cookie,
I understand fully, on New years day, I woke up with a pit in my stomach and couldnt figure out why, maybe alittle depressed, so I went on with the day, justa little sluggish. Then I figured out wow it was 2010, 2 years my husband was gone, I was doing it on my own yes, but I was all alone, and it hit me, like a bomb, it all fell, all day I was so depressed, wow a new year and I'm all alone, but then I looked around and listened (to my kids fighting) and reakized I do have them, I do have something,. but what a feeling, I still have it, that depressed feeling. so I know how you feel , I wish I could help, you do move on everday,we have to, your dad would want you to. my husband and mom would want me to. we can do this together.

georgia.
MOM                        JOHNNY
 

MISSINGYOU

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Re: new year
« Reply #2 on: January 05, 2010, 02:11:11 PM »
Ditto to all the feelings. I didn't want to move into another year, I feel like Im leaving Dad behind. Ive abandoned him some how.I know its not true but it feels that way. I am afraid I will forget what he looks like and how a big daddy hug feels. I surely hope not.

Elizabeth

DadsGirl23

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Re: new year
« Reply #3 on: January 06, 2010, 05:44:04 AM »
I'm having a hard time too with the new year...more so than the holidays.  I guess during the holidays its always so busy for me that I don't have time to stop and think about my Dad and how much I miss him-at least I don't have time to dwell.  Now, I just started working graveyard shift 7pm-7am and it's hitting me hard again.  I'm fine on the nights that I work b/c I just go to sleep when I'm home during the day.  However, on my days off I'm awake all night and all my friends and family are asleep so I'm here by myself with too much time to think.  I think it's also making it harder since I only see daylight for literally about an hour in the morning before I go to sleep.  I almost wish I could just work 7 nights a week so I wont hurt as much.  I just miss him so much and what I would give to just talk to him for an hour and get a hug.  Every time I've had to write the year 2010 I think "my Dad didn't live to see it, and I can't believe I have."  Time has gone by so fast yet when I look back at everything it almost seems like it happened in slow motion.  I remember every memory as if it happened yesterday but it's actually been 2 1/2 years since I've seen my Dad alive.   

cokieslittlegirl

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Re: new year
« Reply #4 on: January 08, 2010, 12:52:01 PM »
It is strange how quiet it is in here lately.  It's almost erie. I'm thinking that this time of year brings out a lot of reflection on past, present and future.  I know it does for me.  I myself feel less like posting and just want to read and interact silently. But there is so little to read on here.

I feel that the new year has me in sort of a silent fit. I know mentally that I must move forward with my life in to this new year on the calendar, but the stubborn little girl in me keeps holding back like if I just sit here long enough maybe I won't have to...make any sense to anyone? I feel my Dad's hands on the back of my shoulders and he's pushing me and encouraging me..."c'mon Tig (my nickname he always used), you made it this far, you're doing good, keep moving..." One thing I know for sure is that it is because of him that I have made it this far...I would never let that man down. I know what I have to do, just seems I've tredded in to a bit of quicksand for the moment. Another "wave" I guess. Feb 11 will be here soon, I will have survived for a year without his life...it seems extremely impossible. I do not enjoy thinking about how far it is I have to continue to go without him.

For all of you just reading and reflecting too, I'm sending you a ((hug)).

sevenofwands

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Re: new year
« Reply #5 on: January 08, 2010, 03:34:03 PM »
Hello Cokie and everyone:

It IS indeed very quiet on here of late.  Perhaps people are reflecting on the year past and on life in general.  I suppose the beginning of a year does that. 

I hope the board will become more active.  Support is vital during the grieving process, and feedback on such things as "what helps" (practical stuff even), "who helps" (in real life), what you would like to get out of life, tentative plans, there must be so much that posters here have to share..... 

You are doing bravely Cokie, and your father would be proud.  He would want you to face into life with strength and a degree of optimism, even in these hard times.

Best to all
Seven

MISSINGYOU

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Re: new year
« Reply #6 on: January 08, 2010, 06:32:38 PM »
I feel like I am stuck in the mud and there is no way to get out of it because it is to deep and to wide. I don't feel I would be much good to anyone at this time as I just don't know what to say.

Elizabeth

sevenofwands

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Re: new year
« Reply #7 on: January 09, 2010, 04:26:04 AM »
Elizabeth:

I am so sorry you are feeling bogged down and sad.  A natural part of the grieving stages, I suppose, and not very pleasant.  I remember you saying in a post that your Dad would say: "The only constant thing is change".   And situations do change.  Sometimes this happens due to outside forces, but in general we need to strive ourselves toowards those changes. 

I know that you mentioned that your husband was also experiencing difficulties, and I do hope these will be resolved somehow.

Take care
All the best
Seven

MISSINGYOU

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Re: new year
« Reply #8 on: January 09, 2010, 06:23:26 AM »
Seven thank you I needed to hear Dads words come back to me. We have had a  lot on our plate this year. Two deaths, supporting my mom, marriage difficulties and now it seems I may have lung damage of some sort or another. Considering the history of cancers in my family, somehow it would not surprise me if lung cancer would be my demise. Now I am jumping ahead of the Dr. and thats not good either. I am really down and yes I have been taking meds. I function, I keep doing and I still feel so alone. Dad pokes me everyday and that isn't always a bad thing. I know self motivation is important and I will take it one min or day or hour or what ever it takes. I fight....I just don't feel well anymore.

Elizabeth

sevenofwands

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Re: new year
« Reply #9 on: January 09, 2010, 10:26:58 AM »
So so sorry to hear of your ealth concerns, Elizabeth.  I can understand your worry, and no doubt you have been to your doctor for tests.  I wholly believe that stress, anxiety, trauma do bring down the body's immune system and perhaps you contracted some kind of infection.  I d hope it goes well for you, and I am sure we would be glad to hear how  you get on. 
Hard as it may be, try not to push yourself beyond your limits, no one can run on an empty tank.  Your health is now your primary concern, and time to think of yourself.

Wishing you well.
Seven