Author Topic: 4 months without my soulmate-new member  (Read 3903 times)

Linus1729

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4 months without my soulmate-new member
« on: December 31, 2009, 10:47:39 PM »
I have been reading these pages for about 2 months now, finally in the new year I decided to post.

A long story short, my boyfriend that I lived with for two years was killed about 4 months ago in a cycling accident.  I have spent the last 4 months in complete shock/anguish.  I had just gotten accepted into my first choice grad school when this occurred (the accident was actually the day after I had left to start grad school). I flew home immediately after the news of his accident and sat next to him, holding his hand until the end. My boyfriend was only 24, we had a very long life ahead of us with huge plans for our future.  I made the decision to start grad school 2 weeks after all of this, which in retrospect was a terrible idea.  I just had no idea what else to do. Obviously, I did not focus or retain anything from much of my classes. 

It is now the end of the semester and I feel worse than ever.  I have never felt more down on myself and my abilities as I have been this past month or so. I got an extension on a project for one of my classes over the holidays (probably because the prof knew of my situation).  Yet my ability to even try and my focus is long lost. The holiday break has been terrible and I have not accomplished anything and I'm starting to really resent school and responsibilities for standing in the way of me giving any time to myself and my healing.

What do you do when you are in the depths of your grieving, yet so much is constantly being asked of you? Is it ok to just forget about it all and fail? It seems such a minuscule matter, but I have always been pretty ambitious.  On top of losing the man I assumed I would spend the rest of my life with, I don't even take pride in the things I used to. I guess i'm just extremely confused.

Laura

sevenofwands

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Re: 4 months without my soulmate-new member
« Reply #1 on: January 01, 2010, 11:27:14 AM »
Hello Laura
You are welcome here, and I am sure you will receive responses to your post.
Just to say that one does need time to heal.  o draw an analogy: if you ahd a serious traffic accident you would not be expected to participate in a marathon two weeks later, maybe not even six months later.  So, perhaps yes, you did need a little more time to yourself, to grieve, to look after yourself and your feelings.  Could you still do that now?  as in take a break for a while and go back to school when you feel steadier and more settled?  You are very young, so perhaps a break will not make that much difference.  One cannot focus and concentrate in the midst of grief, less so on study and projects.   The future will look after itself, Linus.  We think we can a) predict it, b) manipulate it, and c) control it.  Not a chance.  I am sure your boyfriend's death will have brought that home to you. 

I do hope you have family support, friends to talk to, to help.  It is so important.  You need rest, rest for the grieving mind, and time for yourself.  Pressure at such a time can only lead to anxiety problems, and extreme stress.

Take care
All the best
Seven

mousewife

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Re: 4 months without my soulmate-new member
« Reply #2 on: January 01, 2010, 01:46:24 PM »
Laura,

My condolences on your loss of your soulmate.  It is such a hard and painful time and it takes so much energy just to go on each day.

It is true that it usually becomes very difficult to think clearly, concentrate well and process well.  I think only you can decide what route is best for you to take, after you consider what your situation really is at this point.  If you are failing in your classes, then it might be best to explain your bereavement to administration and see if you can withdraw, so you will not have the bad grades as a burden on you.  If you are still making  your required grades, but you just aren't enjoying it, you might want to try and continue.  If this is the case, and you finish out the semester, you will at least feel an accomplishment which will help your self-esteem.

But if this isn't the case, then it might be best to end classes in the best way possible now, to avoid a worse outcome, which will only add to your sorrow.  You can always come back to it later, when you feel stronger and can concentrate better.

Just try and think things through and decide what you are up to doing right now and make what ever decidion seems best for you.

I'm so sorry you are in this suffering now and hope for some peace and encouragement for you soon.

Peace and Healing,
mousewife

laurenE

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Re: 4 months without my soulmate-new member
« Reply #3 on: January 01, 2010, 08:19:31 PM »
I am so sorry for your terrible heartbreak and loss. 
Only you know the answer to your questions.   But grief is considered 'early" for the first 1 1/2 yrs to 2 yrs,  for many people,  so go easy on yourself with your expectations.   Dont beat youself up if your grades fall etc. 

Some people do better staying busy in school. Many times they reduce the number of classes they take in order to lessen the  emotional load since the burden of grief is exhausting!  Others feel the need to take a semester off.   Think about it,  and seek wise counsel from those you trust to help you decide. 

Self care is at the utmost importance during these first 2 yrs.  Take naps every day.  Eat healthy. Take vitamins.  Use good stress relieving techniques, such as a walk, movies,  calm music,  spas,  journaling,  talking to a friend/counselor/pastor,  crying etc.  and any other stress techniques that have worked for you in the past.

You deserve the best. 
I'm just so sorry that it didnt include your boyfriend.   Life is so unfair.  But you are not alone.  Let us know how you are doing and what you decide.

lauren

Linus1729

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Re: 4 months without my soulmate-new member
« Reply #4 on: January 01, 2010, 10:21:21 PM »
Thank you for all the kind words!

I am seriously considering the idea of taking a semester off, and I am a complete type A personality so that would be such a big step for me.  Seven is right, there is so much anxiety already associated with my grief and sadness that the extra burden of schoolwork is just sending me over the top with anxiety.  Even the smallest tasks these days seem to send me over the edge. 

Nobody should be asked to do extraordinarily complicated tasks or make life decisions in these times. I definitely took on too much.

The only thing I can truly decide on, is that I am going to make 2010 about my healing, until I feel able to make the decisions that need to be made.  Whether its a detriment to my academic career or not!

Thank you all,
Laura

sevenofwands

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Re: 4 months without my soulmate-new member
« Reply #5 on: January 02, 2010, 04:02:39 AM »
Laura:

Just to say that I echo what Lauren says as regards self-care.  In particular as regards having someone to talk to about your grief and emotions.
You are feeling fatigued, exhausted by the events of the past while, and there is nothing worse than over-heating the engine.
And you do indeed deserve the best, and the loss of your boyfriend must be so heart-wrenching.

Life and your plans can indeed wait, Laura.  And on those days when you feel a little less burdened there is no reason why you cannot still read up a bit in connection with your courses.

Take care
Seven

 

Luvinmike

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Re: 4 months without my soulmate-new member
« Reply #6 on: January 02, 2010, 06:16:52 AM »
Dear Laura;
I am also sorry for your loss and I wish you some peaceful moments as you give yourself the time to grieve. The other stuff can be picked back up on, school and things, but your health is vital to all else. I am just starting to feel some of my old energy come back at 1.5 years after losing my husband unexpectedly. I still cry alot, but I can think more clearly. I hope you care for yourself as best you can. Hope to see you write here some more.
Terri

georgiapeaches

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Re: 4 months without my soulmate-new member
« Reply #7 on: January 03, 2010, 01:32:06 PM »
Dear laura,
I am so so sorry for your loss. It must be so hard for you to even try to focus on school. I agree on taking a semester off,  you can always pick it up ata later date, right now you need to take care of you. Any time you need to talk or vent or just want to journal your thoughts just come here, it always feels good to right down your thought. were all here to help you.

georgia.
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