The death of my only son, Dominic, age 7.

[KerrieP]

I need some help.  My only son, Dominic, died almost 3 months ago, on September 19th, 2009.  He was 7 years old.  He had some special needs during his life, and I quit work to care for him while my husband went back to work.  I’ve spent my all day every day caring for Dominic, and because of his special needs we decided not to have any other children.  He had some long term health issues, a major heart condition, and also had mild autism, but my husband and I never expected him to die.  In fact, as the years went by, he made great progress, and was finally out of his special ed. class and into a regular ed class. 

His death was after a week long stay in hospital, he’d had some fluid in his heart and it was thought that he was getting better.  We were getting ready for discharge, when he died in my arms, and the doctors were unable to revive him. 

Since Dominic’s death, I have not been able to function.  I haven’t got a job, and probably couldn’t hold one down as I’m a mess.  I am in my early 40s and cannot believe that I have to live for the rest of my life with Dom.  I think about suicide, not planning it, but to imagine being with him again and out of this pain. 

Everyone keeps saying the holidays must be making it worst, but it couldn’t get any worse.  Every day is a living hell.  How does anyone survive from this?  Most days, I really don’t want to. I would appreciate any help anyone could offer.

Kerrie, Dominic’s Mum.

Donations for AutoImmune Research In Memory of Dominic
www.dominicdonations.blogspot.com [nofollow] 

[Jeanneb]

Oh Kerrie,

I am just so very very sorry for the loss of your precious son, Dominic.  You are just beginning on this journey and your first holidays... it is so hard, so very hard.

The feelings you talk about are so normal and I think most of us here have had them.  Please be xtra gentle and kind to yourself.  Do only what you can, when you can... ride the waves of this very emotional journey and let yourself go with it.  There is no right or wrong way just what works for you.

You have found a place where we truly understand your pain.  I lost my youngest son at 17 and it has been 6 years and this is my 7th holiday season without him.

Just know that Dominic is with you... he will always be with you just not in the way we all want the most.  Somehow we all move forward... not sure exactly how... just keep putting one foot in front of the other on good days.  We are here for you and when you are ready tell us about your precious son.  This is a safe place to just put your feelings out there... believe me you are not alone.

Deep breaths and baby steps... take it one moment at a time,
Jeanne
Philip's mom forever
Bruce's sister

[Landons Mom Shelly]

Hi Kerrie,

I agree with what everyone has posted here.  I sent you a private message as well.  Take care & God bless,

Landon's Mom forever,  Shelly

[Brenda Taylors Mom]

(((( Kerrie))))) I'm so sorry.

[Dena]

(((Kerrie))))

I am so sorry for the loss of your precious son, Dominic. You have found the right place for understanding & support.  We all understand.  The holidays are hard enough to get through, but your loss is so recent.  I urge you to talk to your minister/rabbi.  Someone who will listen.  There are excellent sources out there who can help you begin this journey. 

I lost my firstborn & only son, Joshua (14) on 8/7/99.  This board has been a tremendous source of love, support & hope.  I hope you will keep posting and reading - it helps.

Please let us know how you are doing - we are all here to listen anytime.

Hugs,
Dena, Josh's Mom

[Katie--Adam's Mom]

Dear Kerrie,

There are not words to tell you how sorry I am.  Dominic is such a beautiful boy.

Know that you are not alone for there are many (far too many) parents who understand your anguish.  As others have said, it is very early for you and the pain really is agonizing.  Keep reaching out, talking about Dominic and your feelings.  There is no getting over it, forgetting, or any of the things others say we must do.  In time our grief changes and we adapt to it.  The missing our kids never goes away but we find ways to make it thru the moments until we can make it thru days.  I remember the early days after Adam was killed when I sat in duck and cover mode or was curled up on the floor screaming.  It is all so, so hard.

Try to be gentle with you.  Sleep when you can, eat when you can and hold on.  Therapy helped me greatly though I didn't see anyone until after the 1 year mark.  I did learn techniques to get thru the horrific moments and found that just having someone to talk to about anything and everything with was helpful.

My heart breaks for you.  You and Dominic will be in my thoughts.

Love and hugs,
Katie

[Dottie (Tammie's Mom)]

I am so very sorry.

Your loss is so new I remember the early stages of my grief the pain and emptiness I felt. I also lost my only child in Sept. of 2005. Looking back now so much of it was so painful I feel as if I were in a fog.

You have come to the right place most of these people helped me get this far.

Sending you HUGS and peace,
Dottie Tammie's Mom

[SARAH()]

Kerrie,

I am so sorry, words cannot express.  I can only tell you I remember in full waking up to every day a living hell, how could one day be worse than another when they all were so terrible?  I remember wanting to die every day, but it has been years now, and I am still here, and so are all the other people on this board who wanted to die.  You can survive.

If it is too much to think about surviving a day, not to mention the rest of your life without your child, take it minute by minute if you have to.  A hot shower, soak in the tub, electric blanket, cup of Starbucks, walk in the woods, whatever you need to do to survive that hour or afternoon, do it.  Little things like that can matter, and help you through hour by hour.

We are all here.  Hold on.

Sarah

[Terry]

Dear Kerrie,

Thank You for sharing the address for this wonderful site set up for Dominic. The Independent article, Dom's Eulogy and "My Life" honors him in such a beautiful way. He is so very beautiful.

My Michelle also died in Children's Hospital and like Dom, had a very strong life force and was always optimistic, loving life. Many learned a lot about life from them both.

Does the Hospital offer a support group that you could attend? It helped me greatly to be with other parents who had lost their babies so young, too and at times, to similar illness.

With any of my children, especially Jeff as he's the reason I searched for a support group online, I could never imagine living the 'rest' of my life without my babies. It really is one day at a time. And, when I made it through that day, it felt good as I had accomplished a great feat in my mind.

I always tried to do a little something for myself everyday and that always seemed to help. But, it took a very long time for it to become genuine. It was more like, fake it until you make it sort of motions. I have to say that my faith has always sustained me. Given me the strength to continue, and not just continue on with life, but to enjoy living it again.

All I can offer you is my love, my support and the certainty that in time, the pain will become different. Not so unbearable and not for the length of time the way it is feeling now. The early weeks, months and even years are very difficult and takes a conscious effort to even get out of bed and set simple short term goals such as, going to the store or doing a load of wash. So many, who do not walk in our shoes take these 'little' and 'easy' tasks for granted as it is really an accomplishment to be able to perform life's everyday mundane chores when feeling such intense pain.

I'm so sorry you're having to live without Dominic. These Holiday's are brutal and I know that I will breathe a little easier when they are over. I agree with you and what others have told you, that the Holiday's can be overwhelming, although it doesn't seem possible that this pain could get any worse, but it sure does around any date that involves our precious babies.

Know I care and I'm here for you. We are all here for you.

And, thank you again for sharing Dominic's Story. It truly touched my heart.

You have my love,
Terry

[Barbara]

((((Kerrie))))
What a beautiful little angel. I have no great words of wisdom. But I can tell you that you will find support here, from people who are going through the same thing that you are. People who understand. Only those who have went through this agonizing experience can truly understand the hell that takes place. I can't say that it gets easier over time. It just gets....different.
Take the time you need to grieve. Take the time you need to take care of yourself.
I am so sorry about your loss. No one should have to experience the loss of a child. My prayers are with you.
Barbara (Patrick's mom)
 

[Brenda(Jessica's Mom)]

I am so very very sorry for your loss. I too felt the longing to die in those early stages of this terrible grief. You are not alone. Again, I am so sorry, and pls know we are all here when you need us to listen and understand. Brenda

[KerrieP]

Thanks to everyone for their responses and kind words.  This will be my first Christmas without my little Dominic, and am a bottomless pit of sorrow and need.  May we all find the strength to get through the days. 

Kerrie, Dominic's Mum.

[Wadesmom]

Thinking of you and your precious son, Dominic. 
I'm so sorry.

When I first came to this forum several parents on this journey suggested ,,,,
minute to minute, moment to moment, one day at a time.
 It's my mantra.
 
Also remember Do what you can WHEN you can. 
Most importantly, please take gentle care of yourself.

hugs,

Wadesmom

[KatEngland]

Awwww..
My daughter lost her firstborn newborn son last March. This Christmas was very hard for her and her husband..as of course it would be, any major holiday without a loved one is hard..especially the first one. It hurts so much. I am sincerely sorry for the loss of your sweet baby. It is so fresh for you, and it takes so much time to start to heal. It has been almost 10 months since Ian died for us, and we knew this Christmas would be a writeoff. it was as expected, but we all had each other, thank god. I do not know what else to say, other than your note made me have tears in my eyes, and i know your son has and continues to have, an amazing, loving mom.