Will Christmas Ever Be Merry Again ???????

[Donnys Dad]

  This will be our 6th Christmas without our Son, our only son and the baby of the family.  Christmas was always a GREAT day in this house.  We had presents galore for our 4 children even if I had to borrow the money.  The greatest joy in my life was watching them unwraptheir presents.  Yes it was pandamoneium but so much joy.  My wife bought the girls presents and I bought Donny's.  He passed away at 30 and every year we would go to his house for Christmas Eve and then be together on Christmas.  He so loved Christmas.

Christmas morning he would run into our bedroom with a cow bell because he was so excited it was Christmas.  This was at 4 am.  I can still see him so clearly with his excitement.  The first Christmas after all the kids had left home, my wife and I were putting up the tree by ourselves.  We both started crying as we missed the kids doing it with us.  Donny had just happened to stop in after we had just got done.  He had seen our sadness and asked what was wrong?  I told him and every Christmas after that he came over to help decorate the tree.

Well he has left us now and all that joy is gone.  We ghhave not had a tree up in 6 years or any decorations or lights.  We do nothing now on Christmas but wait for it to pass. 

Will Christmas ever be Christmas again??

Sorry but like most of you the holidays will never be the same..
Thanks for letting me get this o ff my chest/

Don

[Katie--Adam's Mom]

Dear Don,

I am so sorry that Donny is not here with you.  It really is beyond hard and as with life in general, the holidays will never be the same.  I think that always there will be the huge sadness of our children who are missing everything and us missing them.

Some of the things we have done for the past 7 Christmas Seasons have helped our family (our very small now family).  Our daughter adopts a family in need each year and my husband and I help with that.  There are children without families who we also have played Secret Santa for.  This year we are also helping another family thru my husband's cardiac rehab group.  Giving to others was always something Adam did so we do this in his honor but also for our daughter who is so caring.

I have continued buying gifts FROM Adam for his sister and nephew, friends and all.  Always things that he would have given them himself.  He may not be with us physically but he always will be in heart.

We have changed what we do on holidays, often doing the days completely different than before.  The old traditions can be so painful so a change can be helpful.

What has changed the most the past few years is that I am able to do more for our daughter and grandson to make the holidays happier for them.  I find myself actually excited to find just the right gifts for them, to bake their favorite cookies and to see the smiles it brings them.  None of this makes me miss Adam less, or fills the void from his absence.  But I can feel all of the joy and sadness at the same time now.  Being really involved with our daughter and grandson leaves me feeling like at least I can brighten their days.

I guess "merry" is a relative term...merry under the circumstances is, I think, possible.  We go to our daughter's for a few days while here at home there are no decorations but for the Christmas tree on Adam's grave.  It's such a confusing thing, this grief.  Adam's absence is huge, but so is our daughter and grandson's presence.  We will always be sad for Adam, for all of us that he is not here.  Our daughter has had so much heartache in her life that to be able to contribute to her happiness is a very good thing.

We each have to find what works for us and our families.  I wish you, your wife and family a peaceful holiday season.

Never apologize for expressing what you feel.  We have each other to lean on when the rest of the world cannot possibly understand.

Love & hugs,
Katie

[Brenda Taylors Mom]

Don, I don't think Merry it will ever  be again. I laughed when I thought of Donny ringing a cow bell at 4am and I also cried.. if only we could go back to the days when life was happy. I have a tree decorated for Taylor to put at the cemetary and I lit one up on the deck for my daughter and grandaughters. It's the first year I've put up anything since Tay has been gone. I rode on a float in our Christmas parade with my grandaughter Tristin. All these years I couldn't even go watch it, because me and Taylor always did but I just swallowed the tears and did it for her.  I had a dream last night that Taylor and his friend Caleb were playing playstation and I woke up and was looking for them, that's how real it was.. those dreams are sad and dissapointing and stay with me all day. The first real snow fell here in Iowa and I remember always yelling TAYLOR IT'S SNOWING ... he'd always say hu uh mom.. running downstairs grabbing his coat on the way .. I love the memories and I hate the pain that goes with them. I can feel the holidays .. my stomach and head hurt a lot during these times and I'm a weepy mess.. I just have to keep going for those alive who love me and need me, as I do them..

[Dena]

(((Don)))

Christmas is never the same.  We have to make new ones.  There have been a couple of years that I decorated and put up the tree.  This year has not been one of them.  It's just not there.  Some years are better than others.

No need to apologize for anything here.  We all understand.


Hugs,
Dena, Josh's Mom

[nancy/Patricks mom]

i have not put up a tree in 2 years it will be 2 years tommorow since they took patrick off life support  i have also been gone from this site because my computer crashed and just now getting back up  but i also wonder will it ever be happy or merry agian   i go through the motion for the rest of the family but i will be glad when its over

[Terry]

Thinking of you, Don and know I understand.

Missing our guys so very much it hurts.

Love,
Terry

[Dottie (Tammie's Mom)]

Dearest Don,

I felt every word you wrote. I know how very much you miss Donny and I sure understand the empty space that is left in our heart and homes forever.

As you know Tammie was my only child and we were extremely close too. Seems this time of the year brings all those wonderful yet painful memories crashing in on us.

This is my 5th Christmas without Tammie, the first 4 I did nothing waited for it to all be over. This year my nehew and his family are coming to my house and staying for a few days. So I pullrd out decorations and he has 2 little boys so we decorated a tree. They will be here for Santa. I must admit I am enjoying preparing for little ones this year. Although it doesn't take the pain away it helps to live with it.

Tammie also loved Christmas she acted like a child. But as I prepare this year my mind has revisited so many memories and yes they hurt but yet they are such great times in my life. I normally try not to think or go there in my mind but this year with getting out the decorations many memories are attached to each ornament.

I feel your pain Don and know I am sending HUGS your way,
Dottie Tammie's Mom

[Erics Mom]

Hi Don-
I'm so sorry for your pain and loss.  It's been almost 13 years for us and life is certainly different.  What I have found helpful is to take control over as much as within my ability.  We have made little changes in the way we've done things....but gradually we have begun partaking in various "fun" or "joyful" activities.  At first it felt a bit fake but as the years have gone by the routine has actually become enjoyable once again.  It doesn't have to be the way it used to be- or the way anyone else thinks it should be- but I guess I've come to believe that to truly honor my son's life I should live mine the way in which he lived his....to the fullest.     

 I have found the anticipation of events to be far worse than the actual event- so if I plan ahead-- and that plan for some is to head out of town for the holidays- for others to do breakfast instead of dinner for the holiday......the actual plan is not important- it's the taking control instead of just waiting for the day to pass.   Things will never again be the same--- but that doesn't have to equate with never again being happy.  It's just a process....takes different amount of time for us all and it's one which is constantly evolving in both directions.

Hang in there- cherish the old memories and gradually start creating new ones with your loved ones and friends.  And keep writing!
Karen

[Rebecca]

Tomorrow is the first night of Chanukah.  Our daughter is in Chic and will not be out during the week at all.  I always felt that the holiday was for the children.  I don't think that we will even light the candles.  This whole time of year is very painful for me as well.  Everyone wishes me a Merry Christmas, at least all of my probationers and they don't know I am Jewish.  Then there are trees and lights and people all getting ready for Christmas and I don't celebrate it and even if I was a Christian, I don't think I would celebrate like I would have if Jason was alive.  Y do people wish those who have lost children a Merry Christmas.  They all know tht our holidays are not the same anymore but continue to think we can be the same.  Not so.
Rebecca Jason's Mom