Hi Barbara,
I've been thinking about you and it was good to see your post tonight. You mentioned a couple of things that I wanted to ask you about, if you don't mind and if you do, please don't feel that you have to answer.
You mentioned you were concerned about not being as busy with work and I'm not aware of the work you do but I have been 'there' and having less to do wore me down and quickly.
You also mentioned 'fighting the justice system' so that does mean that you are presently involved in a court case due to your baby Patrick's accident? And, how is it progressing?
Do you still journal? You mentioned earlier on that you had started to. Good!! I hope you are. It's not always easy, but I have found it to be life-saving.
This time of the year is rough. Plain and simple. It's almost as if everything is still and we're just sitting here, waiting, watching and this lull carries us away, at times to a scary place. That is when we need to 'connect' and talk about how we're feeling, or write down what we're feeling and to get involved in anything outside of the home. For me, Barbara, staying home too much will push me out of this dimension and into another. It's not good for me to not be around other people.
Having my own business here in town, forces me to do this but I sure wish I wouldn't be missed around the Holiday's. They (townspeople) can't wait for Terry to decorate the office and be there to greet people everyday. And, once I'm there and start talking with everyone, all is fine. It's the 'driving home' to the quiet house and the raw loneliness of having no children waiting for me.
It hasn't been that long since you lost your precious Patrick, June 2008? I will tell you one thing that for me has changed over the years and that is the length of the intensity of the pain. In the earlier years, it felt like it would never end. These early years are nothing less than brutal and takes its toll on our hearts and also, our bodies. The pain that seems unbearable (though at times, still does) becomes the pain we learn to live with, we learn to walk with and it seems very bearable and tolerated especially when we speak of it, like you have done tonight, sharing your pain. It helps to connect with others who understand how you feel. Misery doesn't love company, on the contrary, misery understands another's misery.
I love the new picture, by the way. It's beautiful!
Take care of yourself and know I think of you often and your precious Patrick. I know you were looking forward to it and was wondering if you have connected with any of your baby's donor recipients. I know of Mom's, in fact a few from this very Board who have found comfort in the knowing that their babies live on in others. I wasn't able to do this, due to how Jeff died but sure would have loved to be able to have him live on in another. How awesome that would have been! I commend you for seeing this through for Patrick, as it was his wish. I know for all that shared, that this was a difficult process.
Many hugs coming and you have my love, ((((((( Barbara )))))))
Terry