Board activity

[WendyRN]

Terry mentioned in a recent posting that the Board has been a little quiet lately, suggesting that it is likely the approaching holidays that have us reaching inward instead of outward.

I have been guilty myself of reading but only infrequently contributing.  I guess I just don't have much to say most of the time.  I am finding that my strength to manage anything other than the necessary has dwindled to the point of my home becoming a cluttered mess.  My life a cluttered mess.  I feel very much out of control a lot of the time.  I want to take care of things.  I make plans to.  But they just seem to dissolve.

I have been working on a dvd for Keith for many, many months.  Its a complicated process with a big learning curve for me.  But I'm proud of what has been created so far and hope to finish and share copies with friends and family before Christmas.  This has been such a focus (and lifeline) that I'm almost scared to be done.  Then what?  The over 450 slides of pictures and comments left on facebook have kept me connected in a way I can't explain.  I would like to learn how to make the Memory Bears that are created using the clothing of loved ones - a new project to keep me going - if and when I might be ready to use a pair of scissors on any of Keith's clothes.  I think I am probably a long way from that yet.

Sometimes, I think I am learning to cope with Keith's loss but so often I find myself becoming more and more introverted.  I guess I've always dealt with things on my own and harbour a certain lack of trust in others and the world around me.  I have some past history of rejection that helped develop this lack of faith and I am very selective with whom I share my heart, my needs, my sorrows.  I do, however, feel safe here and know that what I share from my heart is understood by most.....even here though, always cognizant of the fact that my words are not exclusive to board members.  I am probably considered standoffish by some.  Even here, I can feel like I'm standing at a window looking in - wanting and yet not, to find the safety to belong.  I wonder if, in setting up boundaries, that my subconscious mind is pretending that I'm different from the sad souls I see, without their children, like I were not one of them.  I don't know.  The mind is a complicated affair.  You may have noticed I have never attempted to post a picture of Keith or Scott and I think that is my way of keeping them all to myself.  Hanging on with a fierceness. 

And, although the board members here come from varied backgrounds, different faiths, many parts of the world...and I don't participate as often as I might...I am so appreciative of the "knowing" that is felt here.  Please know that in my silence I am thinking of you, remembering always our children.

Wendy, Keith's mom

[Brenda Taylors Mom]

Wendy, I'm glad you posted what you feel.. I think the honesty helps others open up too. We are all vulnerable and very fragile here ; but the opening up is so important to you and to all of us here; we can all help each other in some way, even when you think you dont and I feel that way a lot too, you do. There is nobody in the world that understands this life more than all of us here. I commend you for putting a dvd together of Keith . I have never heard of the memory bears but it sounds really neat. I , like you, would have a very hard time taking scissors to Taylor's clothes, I had thought about a blanket made out of them but 5 years later I can't bring myself to do it or have someone do it for me. I guess maybe I want to keep as much of him whole and intact as possible. I think the board is quiet because of the approaching holidays, sad hearts, loss of words, feeling empty. Thank you for posting Wendy, Love, Brenda

[MelissaCharliesMom]

Wendy, I too have been somewhat quiet as of late.It seems I am barely able to get through the days sometimes. It is difficult to come here and see so many of my walking partners (thats what I refer to you all as when I speak of our group.....my walking partners since I feel as if we walk this journey together. Sometimes not at the same pace, sometimes side by side and others completely alone, but together)in such pain.
My life has become so much more complicated. Having Charlies brothers and sisters FORCES me to get up every day, grit my teeth, put my shoulders back, throw my head up and face the world. I have no choice but to do that for them...no choice at all!!!So, even in my darkest moments I must trudge forth, willing or not....I march forward!
I sleep with the sweatshirt that Charlie had with him the day of the accident, a hoodie in his favorite color, orange. I too have thought many times of making a quilt with some of his clothes, but as you all have said, the idea of cutting up his clothes sends me into a near panic.
I so understand alot of what you have posted Wendy as I have been hurt by so many since Charlie died, those who I thought I could trust and depend on, but in the end they failed!!!!
Anyway, I am rambling now. Thanks for sharing.Thinking of you!

[Terry]

Thank You, Wendy for opening your heart. I can relate so much to what you've shared. Especially, posting pictures, as I have not been able to do this the second time around on the Board.
I think it was Jeff's Birthday or it may have been his Angel Date, not sure, but I posted a picture of him and his daughter and have not been able to go back and view it. It is just too painful.

Also, about posting on the board, and feeling like an 'outsider' but still looking in and for me, too it is difficult at times because I am on a child loss board. A constant reminder. There was a time that I stayed away for exactly this reason I mentioned; I was pretending I didn't belong here, that I couldn't relate and I was doing so much better not sharing this awful pain. For me, that's not the case. And, I also feel that I am able, at this point, even along with the pain, to 'give-back' as for so long, my rants and raves were tolerated and I always felt loved. And, as everything else in life regarding the circle returning, we meet and are again challenged. And, that can be a good thing!

I really like the idea of the 'Memory Bears' and I, like you and Brenda would have a hard time taking apart/rearranging their personal belongings. There is no time table for starting any project and the day may come when we all can do it, and enjoy our creations!

And, so true that we 'hold-on' and with a fierceness in a desperate attempt to avoid anymore gut-wrenching pain of loss.

I really appreciate this post, Wendy. I've always enjoyed reading your posts.

Something you shared a little while ago I've been thinking about, with the problems at home with my Dad not doing well and in-law issues and feeling so very overwhelmed right now:
~"It does seem that life's tragedies come in waves sometimes and seem just that much more unbearable on top of losing a child."

Yes, they do.

Know my thoughts are with you and your precious boys, Keith and Scott as we sit down for Thanksgiving Dinner with family, and though there will be smiles, there will also be tears. This is all so bittersweet.

Big Hug coming and as always you have My Love,
Terry

[Barbara]

Wendy, many of your words reflect what I feel. On the days I don't have to work I find many days of sitting in my recliner in front of the TV or in front of the computer, passing time, becoming more withdrawn into my own little world where it feels no one understands how I feel. And when I need to I put on the mask or normality to do what I need to do. I feel no one wants to see this other side of me. I feel that people who have not experienced what we have, can't understand why I can't "get over it". And I have to tell myself they just don't understand. But then I guess the only way they could understand is to experience it, and I would never wish that on anyone.
   I have been so busy with work and school since Patrick's death. Now that school is done I fear what will happen to my psyche. I'm sure I am not the only one who has these days, these days of feeling totally defeated by life. Those days when I think I may lose my mind because I can't fathom that my baby is gone. Those days that I am so pissed at the world. Those days of feeling like completely giving up. But I have 2 other boys to think about so I have to put one foot in front of the other for them. 
   Part of me is relieved that school is done and part of me is worried about the time I will have on my hands. Although I am still working on getting the justice system to do it's job. It feels like a losing battle most days. How does one person fight the system?
   I have volunteered to work all of the holidays just so I don't have to see my relatives with their children and grandchildren, happy and enjoying life. Not that I don't want that for them, because I wish them all of the happiness in the world, but because it is just a sad reminder of what was taken from me.
   And like you, I read the posts and think of all of you often, as it is only those who share what we share can truly understand where we are in the journey. I hate that we have to be here but I find comfort in all of your posts as I know I am not alone. Thanks to all of you for sharing.
                      Barbara (Patrick's mom)
 

[Terry]

Hi Barbara,

I've been thinking about you and it was good to see your post tonight. You mentioned a couple of things that I wanted to ask you about, if you don't mind and if you do, please don't feel that you have to answer.

You mentioned you were concerned about not being as busy with work and I'm not aware of the work you do but I have been 'there' and having less to do wore me down and quickly.

You also mentioned 'fighting the justice system' so that does mean that you are presently involved in a court case due to your baby Patrick's accident? And, how is it progressing?

Do you still journal? You mentioned earlier on that you had started to. Good!! I hope you are. It's not always easy, but I have found it to be life-saving.

This time of the year is rough. Plain and simple. It's almost as if everything is still and we're just sitting here, waiting, watching and this lull carries us away, at times to a scary place. That is when we need to 'connect' and talk about how we're feeling, or write down what we're feeling and to get involved in anything outside of the home. For me, Barbara, staying home too much will push me out of this dimension and into another. It's not good for me to not be around other people.

Having my own business here in town, forces me to do this but I sure wish I wouldn't be missed around the Holiday's. They (townspeople) can't wait for Terry to decorate the office and be there to greet people everyday. And, once I'm there and start talking with everyone, all is fine. It's the 'driving home' to the quiet house and the raw loneliness of having no children waiting for me.

It hasn't been that long since you lost your precious Patrick, June 2008? I will tell you one thing that for me has changed over the years and that is the length of the intensity of the pain. In the earlier years, it felt like it would never end. These early years are nothing less than brutal and takes its toll on our hearts and also, our bodies. The pain that seems unbearable (though at times, still does) becomes the pain we learn to live with, we learn to walk with and it seems very bearable and tolerated especially when we speak of it, like you have done tonight, sharing your pain. It helps to connect with others who understand how you feel. Misery doesn't love company, on the contrary, misery understands another's misery.

I love the new picture, by the way. It's beautiful!

Take care of yourself and know I think of you often and your precious Patrick. I know you were looking forward to it and was wondering if you have connected with any of your baby's donor recipients. I know of Mom's, in fact a few from this very Board who have found comfort in the knowing that their babies live on in others. I wasn't able to do this, due to how Jeff died but sure would have loved to be able to have him live on in another. How awesome that would have been! I commend you for seeing this through for Patrick, as it was his wish. I know for all that shared, that this was a difficult process.

Many hugs coming and you have my love,  ((((((( Barbara )))))))
Terry

[Barbara]

    I appreciate so much the responses. Terry, I had been an LPN for 18 yrs. I recently finished the LPN to RN transition program and just found out the other day that I passed the state board exam. Between work and school I was on the road 5 or 6 days out of the week. Now that school is done I work 3 nights a week. The other days I have good intentions of getting things done but it just doesn't usually happen. It just kills me, that when I reach a new mile stone I can't pick up the phone to call Patrick to tell him the good news. Reality slaps me in the face. So now that I have more time on my hands I have more time to think. And like you it is usually when I am alone in the car. I have a long commute to work.
   I feel so isolated here. Not geographically, but rather emotionally. As time passes people get more uncomfortable with my emotions. So I try to hide them, keep them to myself. Oh I talk about the whole trying to get justice thing, but not my feelings. People can handle me being pissed but not the hurt and crying. I did start to journal but I found with school work it was put on the back burner. I did get down the stuff that happened that first week, as I wanted it all in black and white.
   Patrick was on his way to work on his motorcycle at a stop light behind two other vehicles, when he was hit from behind. He was thrown 92 feet. His bike even went airborne and it was no small bike. The woman who killed him didn't get so much as a ticket. I have spoke to the officer on a few different occasions and even though he can tell me that he doesn't think she even touched her brakes he refuses to issue any time of citation. I just can't wrap my head around that. What the hell? So I have written 2 letters to the prosecuting attorney and haven't heard back from her. I wrote the the chief of police and they sent me a policy of what happens when there is an accident. But I asked them to look at the case again and heard nothing about that. I spoke to the state rep in that county and he said he could do nothing to help me except give me the number of a lawyer. I have spoke to 3 lawyers and they tell me that if I file a civil suit against her she will file bankrupsy and I will be responsible for court costs and the lawyer fees which I can't afford. And to tell you the truth at this point I want criminal charges. The justice system has failed miserably. So my next step is to write to the circuit judge. And I think I shall seek out a professor who teaches law as he will be up to date on all of the laws and unbiased. And I guess go from there. I guess I need to know if they followed policy as the did to an alcohol breath test on her but they did not take her in for a blood alcohol level or a tox screen. They did do all of those test on Patrick though. How screwed up is that?
  I actually was put in contact with 2 of his recipients who are doing well. It was a blessing to hear from them. I hope to hear from some of the others. Now that school is done I need to write to them again.
  And so when the whole law thing is resolved either way I was thinking about taking some more classes. Just to keep my mind busy. I just feel in limbo sometimes. I find that my faith has been somewhat compromised by this whole thing. I have alot of life questions. Things that used to make sense don't anymore. The things I used to be sure about I am not sure about anymore. My world has been turned upside down by all of this.
   Thank you all again for your ears and posts. I appreciate it more than I can say.
Barbara (Patrick's mom)

     

[Dottie (Tammie's Mom)]

Hi, All,

I too a guilty of reading but feeling I have no more to offer.

I do the best I can on a daily basis, the HOLIDAYS are so very difficult. Sometimes I retreat to my coat of armor.

I am so grateful I have had all of you to share my pain with the last 4 years.

Sending peace,
Dottie Tammie's Mom