5 months

[clc100]

It's 5 months today since my brother passed away. Some days it feels like it was just yesterday. I can't believe a whole season has passed. I keep referring to it as still summer because this has just been one extended hell in many respects.

I'm so angry. I was so sad for so long and now I'm just angry. I know enough to know I am very depressed. I'm in therapy. I am on medication. None of it is enough right now. I feel like I am ruining my son's childhood because I am so depressed it's hard to not be angry or manage my emotions.

The day before Thanksgiving, I had a thought and I heard my brother answer it. I heard his voice, his annoyance with my pig-headedness.  He never wanted any of this for me. For any of us. And yet, we are so deep in it. I don't know how to get out.

[laurenE]

clc,

Im sorry for your pain.   Sometimes in grief,  if feels like its getting worse instead of better as time goes on.  But Im here to tell you,  the pain doesnt always feel as deep and intense as you feel it now.    You will have better days, easier moments,  good weeks soon.   There  is hope.  You are just so early in your grief (grief is considered "early" for the first year to yr and a half).    You will be able to manage your emotions in time.  But for now you need to allow yourself to feel the anger and the pain and to cry those tears. 

It might help to excercise when you are angry.  or to write God or your brother letters , telling them how you feel, even the angry feelings.  This helped me alot.  I journaled alot here as well as in my personal journal for yrs.    This allows you to "purge" your mind for a bit,  put it on paper,  and close it in a drawer so that you dont have to think about it anymore.

I hope these tips are helpful.  Keep writing us! We're here for you

lauren

[Gail08]

You say you don't know how to get out.  I had that same problem and still do at times but I have found something that does help.  Make a list of things that you and your brother did together that were the most special.  Then from that list choose the ones that you can do yourself and from time to time do them.  BUT, while you are doing them imagine your brother there doing those things with you.  Now be prepared that there may be some things you think you can do but find you can't .  DON"T push yourself to do it if you feel you can't.  I came up against this and I just crossed that particular activity off my list.  I hope that this helps you.  I can't tell you how very sorry I am for your loss.  I understand what you mean about the time situation.  It has been 1 year and 1 month since I lost my sister and sometimes it feels like it has been longer than that  and sometime it seems like just yesterday.  Just remember that you are not alone and never will be.  Stay strong.