Frightened I'm going to fall apart completely

[Samantha44]

Hi, I'm new to this board, although I used to come to the sibling board many years ago after I lost my sister 7 years ago. I don't know where to start. My Dad died suddenly and in a horrible way 7 months ago. He had been disagnosed with lung cancer 6 weeks previously but showed all signs of recovering with treatment. He died in agony of an aneurism in his stomach with my Mum only hearing his calls for help for the last 15 minutes. It's a nightmare. My Mum has been seriously ill because of the shock of it all and I feel like I'm waiting to lose her too.I'm terrified. She's had so many awful things in her life. If there is a higher power then it's downright mean. 
I feel so guilty every mnute cos I have to work and I have children and can only go to look after her every minute off work I have, (2 or 3 days a week). It takes me 2 hours on buses to get to her from where I live. I don't drive so I am exhausted all of the time. I feel guilty even talking about 'me'. I know my Mum and sister are having a worse time than me. My other sister has also been really ill this year and should be having surgery but is putting it off to take care of my Mum. She's off sick and has no family but has a right to a life.
This year has been a nightmare! I can't believe my Dad is not here. His death has caused me to discover so many things about him, my life and how damaging he was to me. I feel cheated. There were hundreds at his funeral all telling stories of a different man. I don't know if he loved me. I can't believe that he did as he left me and my Mum and my Downs syndrome sister when I was 8 and I didn't see him or hear from him until he returned when I was 16 and began asking me to leave home.
He was a bad tempered man but during the last few months of his life when he was ill and realised what a good family he had and how much we loved him, he showed a vulnerable, human side and I think he appreciated me then. It is physically painful to think of him not loving me. I am so angry and hurt by him but I feel so sorry for him as he shouldn't have suffered as he did.  He seemed so small and helpless hen he was ill. I can't bear it. I can't write any more and I am so sorry if this is too distressing and long widned. I will imporve. I just ened to talk to someone an doffload. I can't hold everything toether and am trying to please too many people. I cant act 'normal anymore, if there is such a thing. I'm under too much pressure and stress. I'm gaining so mauch weight eating and eating. I'm exhausted all of the time and cry s much. I find oit hard to talk to anyone as I am the strong, positive one. I cheer everyone else up? I don't know what will happen and if Im going to lose everything an deveryone. I can't cope with my life and am so near to just jumping off the edge and breaking into a thousand pieces.

[mt2186]

Samantha,

I'm so sorry to hear how much pain you're in. My thoughts and prayers are with you. I understand how horrible it can be. I lost my dad and I too have very mixed feelings about him. He was by no means father of the year, but that doesn't mean that I miss him or long for him any less.

Please try and take care of yourself. Have you considered going to any grief counseling or support groups? Or can you talk to a close friend of family member? It is agonizing pain. But sometimes people can take their time to hear you out and comfort you to the best of their abilities.

Please remember to care for yourself. Take a long walk, enjoy a hot bath, cuddle up with a book or movie that you love. And come here to vent whenever you like. People really do care and many of us are going through the same unimaginable pain.

[mousewife]

Samantha,

I am sorry you are in such pain and under so much stress.  You are kind to be concerned about your sister and your mom.  You seem like the kind of person who expends yourself because you feel you need to take care of the people you love.  That can be a positive thing, but when we are overwhelmed with grief and problems ourselves, sometimes the best thing for us and the people we love is to take a break from taking care of others and try to take care of ourselves.  I know that is much easier said than done because I have gone through it too.  But I know it has pushed me to the breaking point at times too.  It's no good if we go to this point ourselves.

I do believe God exists.  I don't think He is  allowing these difficult times because He is mean, although I certainly understand how you can feel that way.  I have had those times myself.  Bad things happen in this world.  I do think God is big enough to understand your feelings, and my opinion is that He loves you.

I hope it helps to know that others also care about you and are hoping you will have some long rest and be able to start healing.

Peace and Healing,
mousewife

[Luvinmike]

Dear Samantha;
Thinking of you and hoping you can find some moments of peace and rest in the midst of your grief. I like and agree with the other replies, and just know that we all care here. Hope you write again.
Terri

[bluegrass1965]

Love is an imperfect thing....sometimes it is not given or received in the way we might wish.   People love in whatever way they can, and your dad's human, vulnerable side may have been the only way he had to show that he loved you.  It is regretful that he only found that part of himself at the end of his life, but regardless, you and your family were there for him in the end and that says a lot about both of you and your ability to offer compassion even in the midst of past hurts.

The previous posters are right about taking care of yourself....you won't be any help to your mom if you are exhausted and sick. Your sister also needs to be encouraged to think about her own health. Have you talked to her about what you are going through, and your concern about her putting off surgery?

If there is anyone else who can help you with your mom? Check for free or inexpensive grief counseling, or maybe someone to help her at home for while.  Her doctor should also know that she is not doing well if you are not already communicating with him.  Use any resource available to support your mom so that you and your sister won't both be exhausted and ill.

I will be thinking of you.

[sevenofwands]

Hello Samantha:

I am so so sorry to hear that you are going through such a stressful, traumatic and conflicting time.  And it is not fair.  You, and your mother, do not deserve any of this, and there is no harm in coming right out and saying it.  I hope your mother can get the medical help she needs, and does not allow herself to go downhill.  I know you may find it difficult, but you are not superhuman, none of us are, and therefore you cannot please everyone, no matter how you try.  I can only advise you, for your own sake, don't even try.


You say: "It is physically painful to think of him not loving me. "  Yes, that pain must be great indeed, because "good enough" fathers do love their children and do not leave them in the lurch.  And yet the recognition of that fact is the first step on the road to self-recovery and seeing things as they are.   You deserve a normal life, free of the need to be everything to everyone. 

Take care of yourself, Samantha.  I wish you the very best
Seven

[Samantha44]

Just wanted to thank you all so much. I can't tell you how much it means to me to be able to come here and let go of all of the thoughts and feelings that I have to keep under control and quiet to get through the day. All of your words helped me. Knowing that there are people out there who do care enough to listen to what Ive said, to actually know what I'm talking about and try to offer help makes me feel like I can breathe. I know that sounds crazy but the fear of even thinking about what happened to my Dad is so huge. It's just too painful. I am very angry with the world at the moment. I hope that I didn't offend anyone who does believe in God and finds comfort from their faith. I used to be a believer but now I have lost faith that anyone is looking after anyone. I've lit so many candles for so many people to no avail. I have great respect for anyone who does hold onto their faith however. I wish I could. It must be a great comfort.
I have never felt so weak and needy in all of my life. (Even after I lost my sister 7 years ago). I loved my Dad so much and I didn't realise this until he became ill and vulnerable. I guess he realised how much he needed us.  His death has made me look again at my childhood, at who I am and really think about how he could have had no interest or love for me from when I was such a little girl. I have children and I can't imagine keeping away from them for years as he did. I didn't see him at all from aged 8 and he never bought me a Xmas or Birthday card/present, etc until his last few years. How could he do that? Was I so worthless to him? I guess that's where all of this is leading me to really. Sorry for getting so deep.
I can't seem to begin mourning until I sort out all of this mess first. And I don't have the time to sort out anything cos all of my energy and free time is spent taking care of my Mum. She's in and out of Hospital where their main aim seems to be to finish her off completely, ie, incorrect drugs given, e coli bugs, etc. I just want this year to be over so we can all begin again. I feel like if we can all live through this year then we may have a chance.
Thank you so much for listening to me going on and on....... I know that I write a lot but there's a lot to come out I guess. I'm glad that you're here but sorry that you've had to go through all that you have to find yourself here.
Wishing you all some peace tonight. Sam xx

[sevenofwands]

Just keep writing here, Sam.  The more the better, and the more you allow yourself to express what you feel, the better that will be for you, for sure.   And don't apologise either.  It is good to go in deep, and I suppose the comparison might be made with cleaning out a wound and disinfecting it.  A most painful procedure, but then healing begins.

I hope for you that the new year bring you, and your mother, health, peace and a coming to terms with things that happened.  You know deep down what the truth is, and you are a kind and caring person with an awful lot to deal with right now. 

Take care
Best wishes
Seven

[mousewife]

Dear Sam,

It's kind of you to be concerned as to the possibility of offending people of faith.  Personally, I don't think most of us would be offended.  You didn't say anything offensive about God or people who believe, you only spoke from your heart that you feel so broken and in grief about so many things that you questioned God's existence or felt that He must be mean.  Most people who believe and have gone through traumatic losses have at some point, had the same questions.  It is pretty normal.

I can relate to some of how you feel about your father because I had a father who was abusive and tramatized his family.  It isn't understandable sometimes why people choose to do the things they do.  A lot of times I think it is because they don't have what they need in their own lives to do better.

Understanding why God doesn't spare us from suffering and doesn't choose to answer all of our prayers are questions that many people struggle with.  I am sorry to hear that you feel you can't believe at this time, and sorry to hear that you are feeling worse without your faith.  But maybe that is the way you will find your way back to your belief.  Feeling empty without it may lead you to a renewed trust and belief again.

We all have different perspectives  regarding such serious issues as faith, afterlife, or no afterlife.  But I think this is a site where we try to focus on supporting each other in times of profound grief and agree to disagree on other issues when needed.

The healthcare system can wear you out.  Many mistakes were made with my husband at four out of the five hospitals he was in.  Long term care isn't any better.  I found that there were times when I just had to let it all go and at least take a break from it for a while.  I hope you will be able to do this.

Peace and Healing,
mousewife

[tsurandy]

Samantha, I am sorry for the pain you are experiencing!  I think that you found a gift in your Dad's last few month's with you being able to both show your true feelings towards one another.  I have been estranged from my father for years, we reconnected at my Mother's funeral and while it has not been easy and it is hard to forgive so many things he did to my mother, myself, and my siblings, I am trying.  Keep your head up, put one foot in front of the other and try to take sometime for yourself.  You need to think of yourself once in a while.  Everyone that I have I have interacted with on this forum has been caring and understanding, keep posting!