Kevin posted this on 22nd June of this year. It says a lot about the man.
I think it is all right to put it up here, on this sad occasion:
""""I have been reluctant to post about my health issues that developed in January of this year because they weren't directly related to the death of my wife in Feb. of 2008. In looking back and from the feedback I have received from different people here and in my private life, I can see that there is a connection between my health issues and grief. The connection is one of strength, of endurance, hope, a willingness to be loved and to love and a will to continue living, as my departed wife did not want me to ever give up on her or on myself. Rest assured, especially those of you early in the grief process, that from your horrific loss comes unbelievable strength and courage, hope and an ability to adapt and survive.
In January of this year, I was diagnosed with lung cancer in the right lung. A large mass was found. Many times I have said there can be nothing ever again that can be as devastating as the loss of a close loved one, be it spouse, child, parent, sibling, etc. The news that I had cancer did not devastate me - it hit me with perhaps 1/5th the force of learning that my wife needed 5 bypasses and a massive aneurysm patched on her heart. That is what grief has given me. I was able to take it in full stride much, much easier than the terrible news of my wife's problems. I then did 26 radiation treatments in conjunction with 12 chemo treatments. With God as my witness, I am telling you this whole process was easier than waiting during the 5 hour surgery my wife had to have her heart repaired. I came through the treatment with few side affects, no weight loss, no blood problems, no infections, no nausea. I had already been through a much worse hell. Two months of treatment was nothing compared to 5 hours of hell waiting to see if my wife would even survive the initial surgery. The treatment killed most of the cancer, leaving but a bit of it on the outer edge of the tumor and a spot on the tissue on the chest cavity near the tumor. It had been on 2 lung nodes but was now off the nodes. I was happy but not nearly has happy when the surgeon told us Betty had survived the initial 5 hour surgery.
I have met with 1 surgeon already who tells me I most likely will lose the entire lung but I will be getting a second opinion. The news of probably losing my whole lung hit me with about 1/10th of the intensity as when I learned that Betty was not coming out of the anesthesia like she should be. Strength from grief, an unwanted gift. Now they want to run another brain MRI even though the first one was clear. That's nothing compared to being told my wife was simply not coming to after surgery. My cardio workup is good and the bone density scan shows nothing in the bones - I am glad and grateful but I am not jumping up and down with joy. I have yet to regain full capacity for joy since my wife died but I have faith that in time, I will again know full joy on occasion.
I feel that I will survive this ordeal and I want to but I tell you now, if I don't, I already know a lot about dying and I am not one bit afraid to cross over myself - half of me is already there. This is the strength we get from grief. We read in so many posts here about trials and tribulations and setbacks and struggles and problems that arise above and beyond the loss of a loved one. If it is not cancer, it is another death, a sick child, financial crisis, a lost job, total despair, a wrecked car, a lost home, etc etc. I only know there is nothing that can ever happen again to me that can compare to the loss of my wife. This is not so much a post about hope and inspiration but more a statement of simple fact that all of us are living every day in our lives - we can only honor and love our departed ones by continuing to live ourselves and facing serious problems in the same manner we had to face the departure of our loved ones from us.
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