You're on the list Paula. So are you, Penny. It would be nice to have a place to go this time of the year, and at one time there was something in the works but for some reason (probably the obvious, geography) it never panned out.
Truth be told, there's a part of Christmas that I've always loved and still do, I just can't deny that. But, every year it's different. Every single year. Is it for anyone else?
Last year my sister caused me grief. She wants her sister back the way she used to be, but that's not going to happen. And, I don't believe she's ever really come to terms, accepted Jeff's death. Oh now and then she'll open up to me about how she feels or sometimes she'll call crying and can't talk at all. But, the rest of the time, she tries to pretend nothing's changed and I think it's her defense mechanism. Denial. And, it REALLY gets to me. It's SO hard to talk to her sometimes because she avoids talking about him and I just feel like screaming. Doesn't she know how hard it is for me to live with this pain, day in and day out? I just don't know WHEN she's going to break down and share how much pain she's in...if ever.
I don't know too much about anything anymore. I'm just so tired and my heart is worn out. And I didn't intend to sound discouraging here, for anyone reading this...I've just been trying to pull myself back up and out of a hurtful place, and I know there's so much more to come. But, I've been to many places, scary places and have been knocked down and even when everyone thought 'this-time' she's not going to get back up...I always do. Even with the pain, as bad as it gets at times, there is something that is in me, all around me, it's a peaceful feeling and it's filled with love and it always assures me that I will be alright.
Never give up HOPE.
My love to you all and your beautiful children,
Terry