Author Topic: Oh what a day  (Read 2832 times)

MelissaCharliesMom

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Oh what a day
« on: September 06, 2009, 07:14:53 PM »
Today we did our school shopping. School starts here Tuesday and I always wait until the last minute, trying to squeeze out one more day of free time with the kiddos before I have to send them away for 6 1/2 hours a day. It is just as difficult it seems to school shop as it is to Xmas shop or Easter shop. patrick will start Jr High this year, something Charlie never got to do. Emma is going into 1st I remember Charlies first day of grade 1!!!Walking through the stores today was so incredibly bittersweet. Patrick is 12 years old stands almost 5'6 and weighs 150 lbs so we shop in the mens section for him. he was the first one to say, "Mom, brother wouldve liked this hoodie." I felt that all too familar burning in my throat. You know the one, right before youre about ready to burst into tears and have an absolute breakdown. I just nodded and said, "Yup Bud , he would have." Turned my back and tried my damndest to swallow that lump in my throat, you know the one that comes along with that horrendous burning, my heart was thumping in my ears and I just kept praying silently to whatever powers that be that I not have an emotional breakdown right there in the middle of Sears. We continued shopping and then it was off to little girls clothes for Emma. Her and I were browsing the racks when she finds this "skater" style hoodie with holes in the wrist cuffs for the thumbs to go through (odd I know, its a skater thing) And low and behold..."Mama this is like the shirts brother Charlie wore. I HAVE to have it." And the $40 hoodie went in the cart. Hubby came around the corner with Brayden, Sophia and Patrick in tow. Emma had to run to Daddy and show him the "Charlie hoodie" that she found. He just patted her head, told her how awesome it was and looked at me...knowing that burning lump in your throat feeling all too well.
I am not looking forward to my 2 older kiddos being gone all day, Im not looking forward to them sitting in a classroom being taught things that the government deems "necessary." I think I could do a much better job, but fear pulling them from the "norm" will be harmful to them (somehow) in the long run.
It seems as November gets closer I am becoming more and more anxiety ridden. Charlie would be, should be turning 16 in Nov. He would be getting his permit, he would be a Junior this year. We'd be looking at colleges next Summer and planning his future. Instead I am here, doing whatever I can possibly do to raise happy, healthy, successful children and hold it all together. Trying to get up every day and make it the best day that I can even when all I really want to do is hide in my bed and cry, walk out my front door and scream at the top of my lungs "I miss my son and want him back. Im not strong, Im not ok this hurts, it hurts every second of every day!!"
Of course doing so would be considered "crazy" to the outside world, the ones who dont understand, couldnt possibly know how this feels, but I knew all of you could, would and do.

lwuest

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Re: Oh what a day
« Reply #1 on: September 06, 2009, 10:16:13 PM »
Oh my dear MelissaCharliesMom,

Gigantic hugs to you!  OK, yes, you are crazy, but it's OK, you are supposed to be crazy, we understand, as we stand beside you trying to maintain our own sanity.

My heart breaks as I read your post because I know what you are thinking and what other people may have said to you.  "Oh, you have other children who are so beautiful and you love so much, and they need you".  They just don't understand that, yes, you love your other kids, but, dammit, it just hurts that Charlie isn't there. 

I have other kids too, and now I have grandchildren.  I love them very much.  And, like you, I go on and I enjoy and love my family.  but there is a big hole in my heart.

I've got no healing words for you.  I just wanted you to know I am thinking of you and sending hugs.

Linda

LaVonne

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Re: Oh what a day
« Reply #2 on: September 07, 2009, 06:07:52 AM »
Melissa:

  As you write I cry with you. It should never have to be like this. Our kids should be with us.  I wish I could be there to give a hug and just talk. The pain will always be there, Some things bring it all back and the healing starts again.  The triggers are always out there waiting to hit us and knock us down.  I just want to be normal and live again like we use to and that will never be. Jasons angel date is in Nov. I will keep you ,charlie and your family in my prayers and hold you all close to my heart. How I know about the lump in the throat and the burning pain. I am sorry you had to go through that shopping. There are so many things that remind us of our loved ones. I know Charlie was with you and I hope he will give you a sign to help with the pain. These days are never easy and the love you have for your children is shown over and over.  You are a great mom and will always be.  LaVonne

Terry

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Re: Oh what a day
« Reply #3 on: September 07, 2009, 02:30:21 PM »
This must have been so hard for you, Melissa missing Charlie so much and wanting more than anything to be able to be shopping for him, too. I think your 'kiddos' are pretty lucky to have you for their Mom, and I'm sure they feel the same way.

And, I understand too, how you feel about school, their teachings. I am going through something similar, but with my GD and although she is getting a wonderful education, they 'leave' some very important facts out and I freely fill them in and then I get a call from the school asking why I am going against what they teach and I am not. I am simply giving her the facts, the facts they are omitting. I do not want her growing up ignorant or brainwashed. I will continue to do this with all the flack I receive because she is very important to me.
Gee Melissa, we could probably do a whole post on this but basically I agree that children need schooling at home along with the classroom!!!!

I'm right there with you, with November coming. It's a nightmare month and the beginning of all of my babies dates and then of course, the Holidays. :-[ I'm feeling it already...Big Time!
But, together Melissa, we'll make it through!

Nothing 'crazy' about screaming either 'out' your front door or anywhere else for that matter. Keep going wherever you feel comfortable and get it out. Don't worry about who does or doesn't understand...They DON'T walk in your shoes and you owe them nothing.

I'm sending you a great big hug and you have my love. ((((((((Melissa))))))))

Terry

Brenda Taylors Mom

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Re: Oh what a day
« Reply #4 on: September 08, 2009, 01:01:03 PM »
((( Melissa)))) I don't know what to say :(   Love, Brenda

Karen Paul

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Re: Oh what a day
« Reply #5 on: September 10, 2009, 05:29:54 AM »
Melissa - I'm sorry school shopping is so hard - but understand that empty spot where Charlie should be is just always there- so nice that your other kids think and talk about him freely with you and want things that remind them of him.. that is sweet.

I agree about November- as soon as September hits I feel myself sliding down into darkness - hard dates in the fall combined with the holidays are always just too much and I so wish I could just skip to January.

Big hugs, Karen
Chris' aunt