Author Topic: dealing with loss of brother  (Read 6531 times)

clc100

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dealing with loss of brother
« on: August 26, 2009, 06:29:51 PM »
I lost my brother on June 30, 4 days after his 50th birthday. While it is was unexpected, his health had been in serious decline for the last 1 1/2 years. He was overweight, a smoker with severe sleep apnea. In April of this year, he was hospitalized for 12 days with multiple systems failures - may have started as a kidney rupture but his blood pressure, blood oxygen levels and heart rate were all over the place. He was in ICU most of the time, with various specialists treating him and none of them appearing to be communicating.

My sisters and I took turns sitting with him, making sure he kept his oxygen mask on because he was so combative, going in and out of consciousness, he kept tearing it off and they had restrained him at one point.

One afternoon the respiratory therapist came in and began to tell me a story about her own brother who she said reminded her of my brother. She told me about his battle with COPD and apnea and how he died. And she told me that I wouldn't want that for my brother, that this was not quality of life. And it was in that moment that I first realized that my brother may never get better. For so long I had waited for him to have his A-HA moment - realize that saying he wanted to change and actually taking the steps were 2 different things. And now maybe that wasn't an option. A little while later, the cardiologist came in and when I asked him to tell me what was going on, he assured me that his heart was the least of his problems but that I need to prepare myself for the fact that he was very sick. But again..noone seemed to know what that "sick" was.

I made the decision to not tell my family what had been said to me. I didn't even tell my brother. And the next day, after I mentally prepared myself to spend the day making sure he kept the oxygen mask on in order to avoid him being intubated, I walked in to ICU and my brother was sitting up in bed. Like nothing was wrong. He downplayed the whole incident. And he spent about another week in the hospital waiting for someone to tell him what was really wrong. And no one ever did. Yeah - a psycho general practitioner who was covering his actual doctors rounds came in on the 2nd to last day actually yelling with a long list of possible scenarios after my brother made a call to his doctor and said no one was giving him info. And then she discharged him a day later. He was very depressed and very sick. A visiting nurse came for a few weeks and slowly he went back to his life. He did quit smoking and really perked up. 

Over the last few weeks of his life, he appeared visibly happier. He was upbeat in a way I hadn't really ever seen unless he had a couple drinks in him. He stopped by my house unexpectedly one day and we talked about his worries about my mom getting older. We talked about how close we had all stayed over the years (6 kids) but that it wasn't always healthy. It wasn't a long conversation but it stuck with me. I called him on his birthday but I didn't hear back from him. 2 days later, I saw him at my mothers. We had dinner a a birthday cake and he was so happy and upbeat, it was a little freaky. He was so proud of the fact that he had gone 55+ days without smoking. His breathing sounded a little labored. I asked him about it and him assured me he was fine. I didn't push it because no one ever won an argument with my brother.

2 days later he died. He collapsed in his neighborhood bar bathroom, a few minutes after walking in the door. His autopsy revealed a heart 3 times larger than the average human heart. There was a long list of contributing factors but it doesn't even matter at this point. My brother is dead and I'm devastated. My mother is devastated. My brother and sisters are devastated.

My biggest fear is that somehow this story will end. I mean right now, there's still more to tell. Explaining how I told my son. How I wrote an obituary. How I wrote a memorial tribute to him. How his friends came together. But I'm so afraid that one day there will be nothing left to say.

CLC100

Luvinmike

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Re: dealing with loss of brother
« Reply #1 on: August 26, 2009, 07:29:26 PM »
Dear CLC100;
I am so sorry about your brother. It is a shock you are experiencing and so hard to understand. Your brother sounds very loveable and I am sorry your family is in deep grief. You have found an active website community, we are here together in grief. The Main board is more active- read and post where and when you want.
please be gentle with yourself, take things slowly and take good care of yourself.
Your memories will eventually come and you will never run out of them, I hope that helps a little. It is so scary in the beginning and confusing. I lost my husband and 16 months later I can remember better now.
We are here to listen as you want to share.
Again, just so sorry for your loss.
Terri

browneyedgirl

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Re: dealing with loss of brother
« Reply #2 on: August 27, 2009, 09:43:11 AM »
Dear CLC100 ~ I am so sorry for the loss of your brother...I, too, lost my brother....I always refer to it as the worst day of my life.

I can relate to the feeling of devestation, my whole family, as is yours is.

As luvinmike said, you have come to the right place, there are so many people here, with their own stories of heartbreak in losing a loved one, that sometimes, it helps to read and see how others are feeling, in turn letting you know that you are not alone.  

Take care of yourself, baby steps.  
« Last Edit: August 27, 2009, 08:36:43 PM by browneyedgirl »
Tony Repola 07/20/66 – 03/29/09
I know you are fishing in the oceans and streams of heaven

clc100

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Re: dealing with loss of brother
« Reply #3 on: August 30, 2009, 11:09:32 AM »
Today is the 2 month anniversary of my brother's death. It has actually gotten worse rather than better. I know this is normal but it doesn't make it any easier. I'm just exhausted. Tired of crying all of the time. Tired of pretending I can juggle everything in my life. Tired of feeling like I shouldn't be thinking about it all of the time.

browneyedgirl

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Re: dealing with loss of brother
« Reply #4 on: August 31, 2009, 10:45:01 AM »
CLC100 ~ it has been 5 months since my brother died, and I think about him all day every day. 

I know that you know it will take time, don't rush yourself, at 5 months, some days are good and some days are bad, for me, others are different. 

Again, I am so very sorry for your loss.
Tony Repola 07/20/66 – 03/29/09
I know you are fishing in the oceans and streams of heaven

clc100

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Re: dealing with loss of brother
« Reply #5 on: September 08, 2009, 04:24:29 PM »
Started counseling today through my EAP benefit at work and I have to say, while I feel drained, I do feel better. I work in the behavioral/mental health field so having to deal with all of my grief and then go to work and help other people with their problems has been a challenge.

It felt good to be able to tell the story to a fresh ear. In my personal life, I feel like I can't "over"talk about it because then people think I'm "not moving on" and I'm sick of sharing my grief with my family. I need this to be just my grief at times.

Luvinmike

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Re: dealing with loss of brother
« Reply #6 on: September 11, 2009, 06:06:44 AM »
I agree with your post clc- I have also found it helpful to just expect that there will be some very low times, so I am not so surprised every day when it hits me. I can't say i plan my grief, but I more or less acknowledge that it is there. I give myself a pep talk like, "Of course you are tired, you have adjusted to a whole new world- it is not easy..." and it seems to get me through some tough times. just wanted to share.
Hi also Browneyed girl how are you doing?

Terri

browneyedgirl

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Re: dealing with loss of brother
« Reply #7 on: September 11, 2009, 08:58:12 AM »
Hi Terri ~ I am doing okay...one day at a time...I suspect that the holidays will be hard coming up...especially for my little nephew, who lost his mother first, and now his Daddy. 

I think of Tony everyday and just ask "why".

Didn't mean to highjack your thread, clc100.

I can relate to what you are saying about people expecting you to move on...I am having that problem with my other sibling...I keep having to remind him how he would feel if he lost one of his sons, with regard to him not wanting to hear about Tony anymore from my mother.  It breaks my heart...I feel like we are forgetting Tony, and I don't want that to happen.  Although my pain is not as "fresh" as it once was, it's a different kind of sadness than I had when Tony died.

I am so sorry that any of us have to be here.  This is the hardest thing I have ever dealt with.  And in the back of my head, I know that this is just the beginning of people that I will lose, my grandfather, my parents.  I try to think that I am not crying for Tony, as he is in a better place, no more struggles, no more sadness, I am crying for myself because he is not here anymore and I miss him.  A lot.

Take care.
Tony Repola 07/20/66 – 03/29/09
I know you are fishing in the oceans and streams of heaven