Author Topic: Question about belongings  (Read 16965 times)

SoCal2010

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Re: Question about belongings
« Reply #15 on: August 30, 2009, 03:59:39 PM »
Yeah, I will bring it inside. I normally hide it but I guess the person saw the cord.

This whole thing just makes me worry more about all her other, more sentimental things. The art she made, her jewelry, the jewelry she bought me, and so on, now I'm paranoid about what would happen if someone took that stuff. Even something like her computer, which she used every day.

I started looking into home security systems. I don't want to be one of those people who places too much emphasis on "stuff" but when someone you love is gone, their stuff takes on a different meaning.

Jap Jr

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Re: Question about belongings
« Reply #16 on: August 30, 2009, 08:17:49 PM »
SoCal
AMEN! to that ............ glad to hear you got another one.
I understand about the sentimental value of "stuff" except my worry is his kids; they want it........ I told them with time it can be gone through, but right now I can't; have gone through some of it and they got alot back already. I was presented the flag at the funeral, we were not married, were going to this year; all was OK with that until this weekend, his youngest (17) daughter said she should have it "legally" - I asked why can't I?

Why does it always have to be such a battle ......... why can't life be easier when it comes to "things" and who gets what; especially when it's Jim's children; I am willing to meet then 1/2 way, but not quite yet; it's still raw for me. They should get some of his things. Guess I will continue to pray for them, as I know they are hurting, too. They lost their Dad, and at a tender ages, especially the now 17 yr old; she was 16 when he died.

Where is my "old life" as the problems I thought we had then, are nothing compared to now. Jim I miss US ...

Kay

SoCal2010

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Re: Question about belongings
« Reply #17 on: August 30, 2009, 11:38:53 PM »
Thanks Kay :) I'm glad I got it too. I feel better about it now.

I know what you mean about not being ready to go through stuff and having people rush you. One of my siblings keeps hinting about going through my Mom's stuff. It's only been 6 weeks! I can't believe she'd even bring it up. She's the materialistic one in the family. God, it's annoying when she hints. My Mom was right about her all along.

If I didn't have the paranoia about my own health, I would probably wait years to go through my Mom's stuff. It's not hurting anything being here. The only reason I even started thinking about it was because I don't want to die suddenly having not taken care of things for her. My thoughts now-a-days are so dark compared to how they were before.

I hope you don't rush just for the sake of the kids, especially since they do already have some of his stuff. You're not being unreasonable to do it in your own time, they have to understand that. If you rush, you'll might regret it later on. 

I don't see how the flag would be "legally" the kid's if it was given to you already at the funeral. It's funny because my Dad was remarried and his wife didn't give his children (from an earlier marriage) anything when he died. I mean NOTHING of his. So I think you're taking the high road by making sure his kids get some of his stuff.

k80

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Re: Question about belongings
« Reply #18 on: August 31, 2009, 12:57:57 AM »
Hi Socal,

It's been six and a half months since I lost my darling Dad, and I still haven't been able to sort through a lot of his things.  I believe that (if we are able to) we should take as much time as we need.  I'm 28 and have found myself with a lot of responsibility, which would have been difficult enough without my very deep grief - we were very close.  Through all this I have had extraordinary demands placed on me from people I thought I could trust - asking if they could live at my Dad's place (within a month!!), unnecessary harrassment from neighbours who were supposed to be friends.  People's lack of consideration and respect for a grieving person have really shocked me - but I am so grateful for people close to me who have gently reminded me to take as long as I need, there is no time limit.  As I write this though, I am thinking of all that I have to do, and feeling anxious about it.  It's so hard, isn't it!

I do understand the fears for your own health and mortality, as I have had the same thing (and have been told it's actually very natural for someone in grief).  But I also recommend you go to the doctor as soon as possible - it's best to get these things cleared up quickly, even if just to ease your mind.  Take care, and be gentle on yourself  :)

teppuM999

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Re: Question about belongings
« Reply #19 on: August 31, 2009, 01:00:04 AM »
i think it's difficult with kids because well, they're kids.
not like whining screaming 5 year olds, but they're family, they're his children.
they may not understand how important you were to jim, and they are probably resentful of what they see as you standing between them and their dad's stuff, which is all they have left of him. they might've felt that THEY deserved to be presented with that flag because you WEREN'T married and they were his biological family.
what you see as "alot" being given back to them, they may not see as enough. i've got piles of sketchbooks, tons of matthew's clothes, his blanket, pillow, every pair of shoes, his backpack, any number of other things, photos, drawings, a bit of his hair even, and it isn't enough. it never will be. the "stuff" becomes a placemarker for the person, but it will never fill the hole, it will never be enough. try to look at it from their perspective. he was their dad.

you lost the man you were going to marry, but they also lost a parent. it's a really huge catastrophic loss on either side. there has to be some give and take, but also it might help to atleast understand where they're coming from. that's the way it's been with me -- i lost matthew, my soulmate, but he was also a brother and a best friend. he was  a nephew and a grandson to people who loved him differently than i did, but love just the same. when his friend wanted to take some figures of his, i'd remembered how much time they'd spent together working with those, their conversations, how much fun they had, and as much as i wanted to keep every single one of those figures because they had been matthew's, it wouldn't have been fiar of me to deny something to the friend just because i wanted to keep all of it.

perhaps the daughter feels the flag should be hers legally BECAUSE you weren't married. she probably thinks of her genetic bond with him, and all the time she had with him. that is all stuff that is going to have to be worked out.

they will have to understand why you don't want to do it yet, but you will also have to understand why they want things of his.
did jim have a will? if not, it won't get easier. everyone will have to remain level headed and realise that everyone else has just as legitimate a claim to the stuff as everyone else else. =p
when you get into legal junk, unless jim expressly wrote that all of his stuff went to you, it generally follows next of kin guardianship. a friend of mine got absolutely nothing when her boyfriend died.  his family came in and took everything and more or less put her out of his house.

try to keep an open mind, and stay flexible, and work with the family members on that as well. i think it's normal to want to hold onto everything and make a coccooon out of it, but they do have some kind of claim to the stuff as well.
« Last Edit: August 31, 2009, 01:10:31 AM by teppuM999 »

"Don’t say we have come now to the end. White shores are calling. You and I will meet again. And you’ll be here in my arms, just sleeping."

teppuM999

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Re: Question about belongings
« Reply #20 on: August 31, 2009, 01:31:03 AM »
another bit to add

when i was 13, my aunt died. she was my best friend at the time. we were so much alike, ppl still remind me of it, even though i've told them it bothers me.
but when you're young, and someone dies, older people tend to push you aside -- atleast this is how it was in MY experience. i'm just trying to help you relate to the situation of the daughter. even if older people don't mean to do it, they figure you're not prepared to deal with these "grown up issues" and they "know what's best," etc etc. perhaps the older people were "fine" with you having the flag, but the daughter never was, and her voice was never heard?
my aunt had a huge bag of piano sheet music. she was a wonderful pianist and i wanted to be just like her. i wanted to keep that bag of music, and i told people over and over how much i wanted to keep it. i came home from school one day to find it GONE -- my grandmother had given it away, snatched it right out from under me, and said i "didn't need it." how would she know what i did and didn't need?
it took me YEARS to get over my resentment for that. seriously. YEARS.

"Don’t say we have come now to the end. White shores are calling. You and I will meet again. And you’ll be here in my arms, just sleeping."

SoCal2010

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Re: Question about belongings
« Reply #21 on: August 31, 2009, 11:18:38 AM »
About the flag, maybe Kay could explain to the kids that he was the love of her life and the flag comforts her. She can promise to leave it to them in her Will so that it stays in the family. I don't know, I'm just trying to think outloud about what could make both sides happy.


k80 - I know what you mean about being surprised about people's reactions. I've been floored a few times, especially when people ask for things so soon after the death. I feel anxious too anytime I think about how much I need to do. It's overwhelming and depressing. I will go to a doctor because (even though I don't trust ANY of them right now) at least I might get some peace of mind.

teppuM999

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Re: Question about belongings
« Reply #22 on: August 31, 2009, 11:52:57 AM »
that's what makes dealing with the "stuff" difficult. finding some way to make both sides happy.
plus, you get issues where people fixate. the idea of the flag might comfort the daughter, too, and if she can't get it, plus if she doesnt feel like other things she wants are accessible, she might fixate on that and let it fester.
that bag of my aunt's music made me angry for years. if i'd even been tld before it was given away, and allowed to take atleast a few pieces from it, maybe that would'be made it better. but nobody told me.

matthew servedin the army, and was also presented a flag, however the matthew i knew wasn't too big on his service. we gave the flag to his grandfather, who wants to fly it in his hometown over memorial day.

currently i'm driving matthew's car. it's my only way to get around since matthew and i had planned to pay it off together. his grandfather insisted on buying it for him after his previous car died and he decided to just go without. (one thing i like about the city is that you can do that if you want.) then i had my car accident, and some other things, and so this car fills practical as well as sentimental functions. however, at some point i think i will leave this city because i'm not sure i belong here anymore. i know i will want to take the car with me, and pay the rest we owe to his grandfather. but i don't know how his relatives will feel about me taking the car away.

"Don’t say we have come now to the end. White shores are calling. You and I will meet again. And you’ll be here in my arms, just sleeping."

Jap Jr

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Re: Question about belongings
« Reply #23 on: August 31, 2009, 02:47:37 PM »
Thanks everyone for your replys; it is so hard to make sure everyone is "content" when there is a blended family.

It was discussed several times before and after that I would be presented and keep the flag; and yes, in time, it will go back to one of his children. Jim had 8 children, 7 living; they have gotten alot, like I said, of things back. They got some things they didn't even know Jim and I had that were his mothers, their grandmothers. I didn't feel I should keep them. Some expensive jewelry, too. They were shocked, I think, to get it. Wasn't right for me to keep any of it.

There are more issues than that. Jim was married 3 or 4 times (found out after his death, that he possibly had a 4th wife), but it really doesn't matter how many times, I still Love him and Miss him so much; but it really makes it a "mess" for sorting out things. I am open with them, and they know that. I totally understand because of the age, like I said in my post; she happends to be the youngest. She is having a hard time, and we do talk some about it. Her Mom is the one that told her to tell me she should have it back; they don't have a great realationship; her mom was more worried about money, and child support, etc; and she did come to the funeral. She is remarried and has more children. Anyway ..... not going to go there, not worth it. I am, and always have been very pleasant to the Mom - she has been to our home a few times, too. When Jim's daughter got married, the groom's dinner was at our house, and then everyone came over. Between his children, they live in 3 different states.

This is tough enough without having these kinds of issue, but I knew they would come up; there is also 2 vehicles involved. One is at the house, but all is good with that, they just have to come and get it (a vet; very modified and fast) and the other is a truck, but it's in AZ and have to figure out how to get it back to MN or WI.

SoCal; Thank you, as that is how I feel, that he was to be my husband, and it means alot to me, also. But as I said, later or when I pass on, it will go back to them, and they know that.

I don't think they see me "standing" between his "stuff"; I think it's alot to do with the ages of the kids. They sometimes don't think, they just react.

Sorry to have gone on so much, but let me end by saying it is Grief, no matter how we look at it, it hurts and everyone is hurting in some form or another. Death just makes people crazy, including myself. It is tough, it is hard, it is not always fair.

I pray for some peace, understanding and strength to get through this.

Kay

SoCal2010

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Re: Question about belongings
« Reply #24 on: September 01, 2009, 11:29:53 PM »
Kay, it sounds like you're being very generous and fair with the kids. I would keep the flag if I were you, especially since it was already decided and you have already agreed to eventually leave it to them. The Mom is influencing the kid's thoughts and that's why it was brought up. Ex-spouses usually have anger issues so she's trying to control things. Anyway, like you say, grief makes people crazy. I also pray that I'll do what my Mom would have wanted me to do and that I'll think in a clear way. I wish this all wasn't so intense. :(

teppuM999

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Re: Question about belongings
« Reply #25 on: September 02, 2009, 08:56:04 AM »
i wasn't saying she should give the flag back, i was merely trying to offer another perspective.
grief makes everyone lose perspective sometimes.
perhaps having a talk with the daughter would help her to understand that you're not "taking" the flag away

it may not be that the mom is influencing the kid, the kid may have said something to the mom, feeling like her mom could take care of it for her.

nobody knows what anyone's real motives are. it's generally best not to assume.

"Don’t say we have come now to the end. White shores are calling. You and I will meet again. And you’ll be here in my arms, just sleeping."

SoCal2010

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Re: Question about belongings
« Reply #26 on: September 02, 2009, 03:27:55 PM »
We're just chatting, it's not like Kay will tell the Mom anything we're saying. I guess I just see so many blended families with the same issues as my blended family had, and one of the issues is the ex-wives usually do feel their own children should get everything of their fathers. It's all very complicated with multiple marriages and kids and whatnot. But regardless, hopefully decisions about "stuff" become clearer as time goes by.

Jap Jr

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Re: Question about belongings
« Reply #27 on: September 03, 2009, 06:32:34 AM »
Again, thanks for the perspectives. I forgot we did get 2 flags, one from the patriot guard, so for now am sending that one to her and then will exchange, hopefully, later. She wants to have her grad pictures taken with it. Don't want to send the one that was on his casket in the mail, for fear of it getting lost. This has been very difficult; even when Jim was alive, they were not always trustworthy and honest, so it has been hard to deal with. Yes, it has been complicated. But with time I hope it all settles down. Yes, it was the Mom and her sisters, but I am not going to get into it with them. I have enough hurt, pain, and missing Jim that I don't have the energy.

I pray for some understanding, peace and strength.

Jim, I miss US and I Love you.

Kay

cokieslittlegirl

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Re: Question about belongings
« Reply #28 on: September 03, 2009, 07:17:36 AM »
My step mom and I are the only ones really who will share my dad's things (aside from some misc things that aren't an issue with me). SHe is very generous with allowing me pretty much anything I want as she says she is surrounded in their house with all of his things.  I took a few things that I REALLY needed to have and left the rest for awhile. I want her to have things "the way they were" for as long as she wants.

I am extremely lucky to have her, I love her so much. I also feel lucky not to have to fight with others over my Dad's belongings...I have no siblings.  It must just add so much extra stress to a horrible situation. People can be so selfish and uncompassionate at times.

SoCal2010

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Re: Question about belongings
« Reply #29 on: September 22, 2009, 01:28:05 PM »
I can't remember where I posted about my GPS.........but I AM SO HAPPY............a police officer just came over and THEY FOUND MY GPS!! My Mom's Christmas gift to me last year! They located me by the "Mom" address listed in my favorite places.

I'm SOOOOO happy! I was crying happy tears. I couldn't believe it. The negative is that I will have to buy it back from a pawn shop, but I don't care, I'm just so happy I have it back! It was taken by 2 brothers in the town next to me. They found about 10 GPS systems and various things that these brothers took.

So right now I'm waiting by the phone for the officer to tell me what to do next. I guess I will meet him at the pawn shop. Right now the GPS is at the police station but there's some law that prohibits him from giving it directly to me even though I own it. How strange the laws are.

I'm so elated right now. :)