Author Topic: New member  (Read 4535 times)

pepper309

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New member
« on: August 23, 2009, 09:57:31 PM »
I found the website just by looking around on the web.  It looked like a good place to start so here I am. 
  My brother Boz died on July 25th, 09.  I was with him on the day that he died.  I invited him to come along with me, my daughter, and her friend to the pool and the movies.  He said that it sounded like fun and agreed to meet us in town.  I'm not much of a swimmer so I sat and watched everyone have fun.  Boz did amazing flips off the diving board.  My daughter and her friend had the best time watching him.  When it was time to go I asked him if he would be taking Barbie (this was the pretty girl that he had been hanging out with) to the movies.  He jokingly told me that I might like her if I got to know her.  I told him that if she grew a wart and hairlip I might consider it  He laughed and told me he'd see me at the movies. 
  I sat a couple of rows in front of Boz and his friend because I didn't want to get in the way.  We watched the Hangover (the kids were in Harry Potter) and had a good laugh.  After the movie my brother was gone without a trace.  I didn't think much of it and went to collect the girls.  We ran a couple of errands and then drove through the windy canyon road that takes us home. 
  Fast forward maybe an hour later.  It was dark out when my mom came bursting through my front door and told me that Boz had been in an accident.  We rushed out of the house and drove to the scene.  There was a huge line of cars so I ran all the way to the accident.  I found out that my brother and the people from the other car had already been taken to the hospital.  We were talking about how he probably just had a couple of broken bones.  We had seen the car and it looked like something that was bad but not too bad.  When we finally got to the hospital and went to see him the nurse stopped us and asked us if we knew that Boz had passed away. 
  I found out later that my brother had gone to one of his friend's houses and drank.  He was not a heavy drinker at all.  When he went to drive home he somehow went too far to one side of the road, overcorrected and ended up hitting another car head on.  He was not wearing his seatbelt (which everyone said he always wore) and ended up being thrown from the vehicle.  He died minutes later.  He was only 22.
  Sorry this is so long winded but it felt like I needed to get everything out.  My brother and I were eight years apart.  We didn't always get along.  He had just started spending time at my house this summer.  I miss him so much. 

browneyedgirl

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Re: New member
« Reply #1 on: August 24, 2009, 09:05:53 AM »
Dear Pepper ~ I am so sorry for you the loss of your brother, Boz. 
I lost my brother March 29, 2009.  It was the worst day of my life.

You have come to the right place, there are sooooooooo many people here that will offer a kind of word of comfort if you ever need it. 

I guess if I could offer anything to you it would be to remember that grief is unique to everyone, no one deals with it the same.  I went though so many emtions, at times I was not sure if I was coming or going. 

Take care of yourself and again, I am so sorry.   
Tony Repola 07/20/66 03/29/09
I know you are fishing in the oceans and streams of heaven

Gail08

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Re: New member
« Reply #2 on: August 24, 2009, 02:14:08 PM »
Pepper,
     There are no words to say how sorry I am for your loss.  I lost my sister October 08.  She was a drinker and even though she did not die in a car accident her drinking is what killed her. 
     I noticed you went into detail about your last outing with your brother.  Just keep that last fun and happy day that you had with him close in your heart and it will get you through.  Even though it has been a little over a year since my last outing with my sister I remember it so vividly and keeping it close in heart has helped me through some rough spots.
     Also, be prepared that you will go thorugh a ton of emotions and they will ALL be normal.  Never feel for a moment that you are crazy or that there is something wrong with you.  I thought something was wrong with me with the things I was feeling until the prson I have been talking to, who started going through this 28 years ago, told me that all these feelings were normal.  It might help if you could find someone to talk to.  It still hurts like crazy but it does help to talk.  Talking is a healer, especially if you can talk to someone who understands your feelings as we all here at this site do.  My support is always with you.  Believe me, I know your pain.

Gail
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laurenE

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Re: New member
« Reply #3 on: August 24, 2009, 05:56:15 PM »
Pepper,


Welcome to this websight.  I wish you had no reason to be here.  I am so sorry for your loss.  Thank you for telling your story.   Ihope you find comfort here with us and with sharing your thoughts feelings and grief experiences. 

lauren

YoungerSis

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Re: New member
« Reply #4 on: August 25, 2009, 07:01:46 AM »
Pepper,
I am so sorry for your loss.  I hope you find a little peace and healing like I have on this forum.

I lost my oldest sister 4 months ago today, and I can still picture vividly in my mind the last few times I saw her.  It still hurts so much, as I am sure you are hurting too.

I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

pepper309

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thanks
« Reply #5 on: August 25, 2009, 08:50:30 PM »
  Thanks for all of your replies.  It does helps to talk to other people who have been through this.  It feels like most of the focus has been on my parents because he was their son.  I am not angry about that because it's only right that people support them and give them a shoulder to cry on.  I feel like I have been kind of lost in the shuffle though.  I am the oldest and so I took on the responsiblity of organizing.  Boz's memorial, sigining off on the death certificate, and talking to the donor alliance rep.  I told my mom that I would do all of that so that she didn't have too.  Now that everything has settled down I feel sort of adrift.  I had thought about quitting my job when this all happened because it all felt pointless.  I didn't end up leaving which was good I suppose because it keeps me busy.  It's hard to go to work though because I have to drive past the same spot where my brother died every day.  I can still see the skid marks where his car went into the other lane.  I have to pull myself together almost every morning before I go to work.
  The other issue that I have been facing (and of course my parents have to deal with this too) is my other little brother.  He is 26 and he is well on his way to becoming an alcoholic.  He lost his job because he had two DUIs. We have all told him how much we are worried about him but I know that he is off in his own world.  I know that the changes that he needs to make has to come from him.  I am just worried though that he will be the next to die.
  Even if nobody else reads this is feels better to be able to put it all down.  Thanks

browneyedgirl

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Re: New member
« Reply #6 on: August 26, 2009, 09:39:55 AM »
Pepper ~ please watch over your brother very closely if you can...my brother's downward spiral started with DUIs. 

I feel that if I would have paid more attention to what was really happening, we might have been able to save him, but by the time we figured it out, it was too late, we had a plan in place, and when my father went to get him, he found Tony dead. 

You are right, change has to come from within, and you can't save them from themselves, there are several others here who have lost their loved ones to addiction, it is heartbreaking, as is any death.

PLease take care of yourself and your family. 
Tony Repola 07/20/66 03/29/09
I know you are fishing in the oceans and streams of heaven

Jeanneb

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Re: New member
« Reply #7 on: August 26, 2009, 01:59:37 PM »
Hi Pepper,

I am so very sorry for the loss of your brother... how I understand.

I lost my brother 13 years ago... he had just turned 40.  Then 6 years ago I lost my youngest son... he was 17. So I can see the emotions that you are feeling from both sides of the fence so to speak.  Both of these fabulous guys were killed in auto accidents.  With my son we were able to donate his organs and tissue and also donated to some research projects.  I didn't make a decision without consulting my other kids... this was their brother and they needed to be part of each decision made... we all had to live with this.

My son's truck went across 4 lanes of traffic until it came to rest in a ditch next to a light pole.  It is on a major road and we have to pass it almost daily.  Another friend put up a cross at the site and it brings me great comfort and I also feel maybe as the cars are whizzing by someone will notice and be a little more cautious.  There are ruts in the ditch to this day where the truck landed.

My son's accident never completely added up and now (6 years later) we are finding out that his bestfriend who was in the car ahead of him played a role in his accident... no malice but an accident, a horrible tragic accident.  All I can say is I understand where your mom is coming from... I would hate to be these "friends" they have to live with this for the rest of their lives just as you and your family will have to live with this huge hole... it isn't easy to say the least.

Your anger is completely normal and at times even after all these years, my anger can rear its ugly head.  Try to find a way to release some of it, whether it be exercise, a game of basketball or like me I use to drive home every day from work screaming, crying and beating the steering wheel. 

Everyone in your family is grieving and will grieve differently.  One thing I do highly recommend is talk... talk and then talk some more.  Keep your brother alive by sharing him with each other... as a mom I so need to hear about my boy. Be respectful of each other... if you are having a rough/bad day then say so and just go with it.  Don't coverup or put on that "I have to be strong face".  You each have to do what is right for you. 

It saddens me to hear of your other brother going down the path of alcoholism... try to remember it is a horrible disease.  Be as supportive as you can but remember he is the only one that can make him better.  You can encourage AA or other treatment programs but you walk a fine line, you don't want to enable him.  Sometimes our best intentions can still be enabling... just something to be cautious of.   I know how hard it is to have to sit back and watch him make these mistakes.

As I have shared with others here this journey is like no other.  Take each moment as it comes and that is all you can do.

Deep breaths and baby steps,
Jeanne
Philip's mom forever
Bruce's sister