sorta-family gathering

[teppuM999]

so...

i got an invitation to matthew's niece's birthday party. i'm not sure if i should go.
matthew and i went last year, and it was really fun. but without him, is there a point to me going?
the cynic in my brain thinks they only sent me an invite because matthew died and they're trying to be nice. the optimist thinks it might be fun, anyway.

but i dunno...

it'll be very obvious that matthew's not there. it'll be very obvious that i'm alone.
and if people ask who i am, i'll have to explain everything
it's not like i could fade into the background and pretend that i belong there, i look too different. so people would wonder.

and without matthew, is there really any reason for me to go?
i don't know.

[kevinjj]

I think you should go, it won't be a whole lot of fun for you and it will be sad in fact but it is important to be around family because they miss him too and seeing you there will give them some fond memories of him. It won't be 100% bad you will have a couple of nice memories of him too while you are there. These things are over  past pretty fast and once they are done, they don't bother you too much.

[1wabbit1]

Maybe you could go and just make an appearance. No need to stay through to the end, unless you have a good time.

I know if put in the same predicament I'd be feeling exactly like you. Just force yourself. Give yourself a chance to experience and learn. You can leave any time.

I hope you have a positive experience, you can use some.

... Suz

[teppuM999]

i would have to ride along with matthew's aunt, it would be out of state. so if i go, i'm committing to the entire process. riding for three hours, picking up his grandpa, going to his brother's house, the neice's party (she's 8 i think and doesn't really know me, besides the party last year and her uncle matt's memorial service), then the ride home.

i'm not sure if it's something i can really do.

last year, when matthew decided to take me with him, it was this "big deal," he actually wanted me to meet his relatives and he was actually slightly confused about it himself. he'd been in "shop around" mode, and he hadn't actually planned to find someone he would want to meet his family.

so that's all wrapped up in it, too. when we went together it was a "big deal."

it might be fun, though. part of the reason it was fun was watching matthew with the kids, though. and all of his neice's friends will probably notice that her uncle matt isn't there, and will probably want to know why if they don't already know.

i can see it as potentially being really fun, but it could also potentially be disastrous.

plus, and i really hate to bring this into it but it's a fact of life i guess, it's a small town where i would essentially be the ONLY non-white person. last year i got enough puzzled looks and i was there with matthew. this year...
i dunno. that kind of thing is the flack you assume when you decide not to let skin color preclude you from loving people, but i'm not sure i want to add that onto my list of worries at the moment.