when matthew died, i was standing right there. he was too far out for me to reach him, his friend went after him, i watched his head go down twice, and i can't get that out of my mind.
physically, my joints hurt, and my stomach is constantly upset, and i have alot of pain in my head and neck especially behind my eyes.
haven't had a "dream" in a while, usually after those, when i would go to see him, i would actually feel rested and okay in the morning. well after the initial "why am i still alive?" would wear off.
now i just feel like a beat up flour sack.
sometimes i wish i hadn't been there. but how much more horrible would it be, i guess, to look back and see that i wasn't there for the last bit of his physical life? we were always together.
my spirit and my heart hurt enough as it is, and this ridiculous body that is doing nothing but trapping me here is just complicating everything with all of the physical aches. there is way too much going on, i can't deal with all of this.