Feeling resentful?

[YoungerSis]

We are supposed to get together with 'friends' tonight.  But I am feeling very resentful today! 

These so-called friends are a couple who we have known for years.  When my husband called them to tell them my sister died, they did nothing - did not come to the funeral, send me a sympathy card, or even call to express their sympathy!  He lost his first wife a few years back, and of course we went to her funeral and were there to support him.  She is a radiation therapist who had always asked about my sister and her treatment at various stages of her illness.

So what do I do tonight?  Just pretend like nothing is wrong?

[browneyedgirl]

Wow.  That's a tough decision to make.  I had a similar experince when my brother died.....

I guess I would bring it up with your husband?  How does he feel about it?

If you were close enough friends, it would be something that you could bring up with them, however, I am not sure that tonight would be the right time, when you were going to get together.  Maybe, if you could get through tonight you could make a phone call to them later this weekend.

One other thing, when I expressed my dismay with to my mother about this person in my life that did not do anything when my brother died, she said "Sometimes people just don't know what to say".  Although it wasn't what I wanted to hear, nor did I find this as an acceptable excuse, she was right.

I hope you have a great day/evening, no matter what you decide.

[Jeanneb]

You sure are in a predicament.  From what you said, I'm gathering that you guys are actually better "friends" with the male in the relationship since you mentioned his wife passing a few years ago but yet his current did ask about your sister along the way...... hmmmm.

My first response is I'd probably not be going to meet them.  Who initiated this???  If they did maybe it is there way of trying to make up for not knowing what to say at the time, yet with that being said they didn't even send a card??  I'm not so forgiving anymore personally.  It doesn't take much to pick up a card and send it.  It does take thinking about someone else other than yourself.

One thing I've learned we can count our true friends on one hand and the rest we thought were friends are actually only acquaintances.  I can say this... they certainly have shown you where they stand and who you can count on in times of need... it isn't them.  Sounds like this "friendship" was not what you needed and with that in mind go forward from there.  We don't always get back what we give and what we think friends truly are... it is one of those really hard lessons.

Best of luck,
Jeanne
Philip's mom forever
Bruce's sister

[YoungerSis]

Thanks, browneyedgirl and JeanneB!  I don't feel so guilty now for feeling this way! 

browneyedgirl, I talked to my husband about it last week, and he too was surprised that they didn't at least send a card.  But he has been friends with the guy for over 30 years, and he is not one to hold a grudge.

I'm like you, JeanneB.  I am not always so forgiving!  I for one receive many blank sympathy cards from various charities, so I always have some on hand to send out.  I guess that hurts me the most - not even a card!  You're right, people I thought were friends are actually just acquaintances.  I received sympathy cards at the time of my sister's death from people that I did not expect to receive them from.

Since they initiated this 'evening out', and paid for the tickets, I guess I will take a deep breath and pray for the strength to enjoy the evening without this resentment.  I will smile to myself and know that I have true friends (besides them) who really care!

Thanks again for your responses.  I do find so much peace through this forum, and I am very grateful to have found it (and you!)

You are both always in my thoughts and prayers as you deal with your own losses. 

[laurenE]

YoungerSis,

Thats a tough one.  Let me know how it works out for you.  My inlaws did the same thing to me when mom died.   nothing.  nada.  zip. Not a card. Not a word about it. not a  Casserole, flower or visit to the funeral home. nothing.  

 And these are the people I have spent every holiday and bday with for the last 20+ yrs. (and still do).    We have never had an argument, disagreement, nothing.  And they seem to like me,  we've exchanged gifts over the yrs and I have lavished them with gifts and cookouts and planned fun family activities.  I am a wonderful wife to their only son.  But when I needed them the most, they weren't there.    

I have never confronted them.  I spent alot of time resenting them each time we are together though.  There are times I think about it when we are together even now, 7 yrs later.   I dont know if confronting them would have hurt our relationship or not.  but it has stagnated it by not confronting them.  Once they didnt even acknowledge her death to me,  I stopped lavishing them with  extra family gatherings, cut back on the cost of gifts,  and pretty much feel indifferent to them.  At times I even felt hatred towards his mother,  but I never let on.     They can not take back that time.  They cant re do it for me.   Nothing will change the fact that they pretended that my mother was not dead at a time when I needed family more than anything. My inlaws are the only family I have.  I am estranged from my bio family. 

I dont know if people just dont know what to do or what.  At the time,  my mother in law had never lost anyone.   Since then she has lost both parents, but she still hasnt said a word about that time 7 yrs ago when my mother died.

I hope it works out for you but I dont think there is an excuse for not sending a card at least.   I'm sorry you had to go through that too.  

lauren

[YoungerSis]

Lauren,
I am sorry to hear what you have been through with your in-laws.  You are right - nothing can take back the lack of acknowledgement.  It cannot be redone.  I feel guilty for harboring this resentment, but I am relieved to know that I am not alone; that I am not the first person this has happened to.

Thank you for sharing your story with me.  I can tell from your words that it still hurts, and will continue to hurt.  But please know that your words inspire me, and that I wish you peace and healing in your journey.

YoungerSis

[YoungerSis]

Just wanted to give you all an update on what happened .....

The couple came over our house and picked us up for our night out.  While I locked up the house, my husband jumped in the front seat with his friend, while I sat in the back with his wife.  We all made conversation, but nothing was said about my sister.  At one point, she said something about her sister 'getting on her nerves' after visiting her for three days, but 'oh well - she is my sister'.  I wanted to say I would rather have my sister getting on my nerves than not being around at all.

The rest of the night I avoided direct conversation with her.  We ran into some people she knew, and she introduced us as her 'friends'.  I wanted to say, 'friends' don't pretend their friend's sister never passed away!

My husband knew something was wrong all evening.  But when they drove us back to our house, he invited them in for a drink!  I was silently praying they would say no, and they did.  The next day I asked my husband if I was so wrong in feeling that she is not my friend because she never acknowledged my sister's death.  I told him that I know he has been friends with the guy for many years, but I just do not feel that his wife is any kind of friend to me.  He said he understood, but didn't want to talk about it any further.

Talk about feeling so alone in a crowd!!!

Oh well, thanks for listening.....

[Luvinmike]

Youngersis;
I am so sorry you were left feeling so alone with your grief and pain of losing your beloved sister. I am so sorry you felt that no one understands. That is a lonely feeling. People do not always have the wisdom of helping a friend grieve as they may not have had a close and sad loss themselves. It doesn't help you though. My gosh, how insensitive can you get!
I would suggest a grief support group and there are a number of ways to find them- it took me a year to find one, but the people in the group "get it." It is not a small grief to lose your dear sister, so you are very normal in wanting to think of her and share with friends. Maybe getting a therapist or support group while finding a more compassionate friend might be helpful. I hope you don't feel discouraged and just keep going. You are more mature and caring then your friend I think from the story. I also think your husband might have just been disappointed in his own way for wanting to have a fun evening with friends and he may feel sad that your friendship is different now. Maybe jut stay away from them for a while. See where it goes down the line. Thinking of you and sending you kind thoughts of friendship...
Your friend,
Terri

[browneyedgirl]

Gotta love men and the way that they deal with stuff..

Anyway, I am glad that you got though the night. 

Terry had some good advise.

Take care....

[YoungerSis]

Thanks Terri and 'browneyedgirl'.  Believe it or not, as I was trying to make it through the night feeling uncomfortable and alone, I thought about what I would post on this forum today and how your replies would comfort me.  It's odd how someone I thought was a friend really isn't, and how you (who I have never met in person) are friends to me!

Thanks again for the insight and advice.  I feel much better today.  You are in my thoughts and prayers today.

 

[Jeanneb]

Hey YoungSis,

Well I'm glad to know that the evening went ok. 

Just remember men are so different from women in grieving and this was your sister so even hubby probably doesn't really "get it".  He tries cause he loves you but until you have walked in those shoes... it is really hard to understand.

Hold on tight,
Jeanne
Philip's mom forever
Bruce's sister

[YoungerSis]

Ok, here we go again!  As I was leaving for work this morning, my husband said we now have plans to go out to dinner with these same "friends" on Friday night!  He pleaded with me to please go, and he will not ask me for anything else!

Am I wrong to still feel bitter towards our friend's wife for never even acknowledging my sister's death?

I will probably go because my husband does not ask for much, and because I love him and want him to enjoy a night out with his friend, NOT because I feel any friendship towards our friend's wife!

I was having a pretty good week until this happened .....

[browneyedgirl]

Sending you strength and hoping things go well for you!

[Luvinmike]

Hi Browneyedgirl;
Can you say what kind of fish your brother is catching in that amazing top photo? I want to look it up for my son. My husband loved to fish off Massachusetts and Rhode Island shore and some chartered trips. I like your photos and the caption. Hope you are doing well.
Terri

[Luvinmike]

Dear Youngersis;
I hope things are going okay for you? Thinking of you and wishing things to be simple. I am struggling with some friendship stuff, but I keep reminding myself that it doesn't matter and I send good thoughts out to all. I realized I did not have the strength to worry about other people's actions or feelings right now. Wishing you peace.
Terri