New widow--Desperate for help

[georgiapeaches]

Juanita,
I read in your post that you are afraid of meds, I cant tell you how scared I was to take the meds that I am now on, but when I finally got up the courage to take them, they worked wonders. Also what Seven said about the breathing is what I learned in the cognitive beahovoral theraphy, breathe in threw your nose then hold it a couple of seconds then out threw your mouth and repeat that several times when you feel the panic start and it will ease, also tell yourself when its happening ( and I know its hard) that it will pass, because it will. I also started Yoga on my WII game and found out how badly out of shape I am but the excersizes teaches you relaxation and deep breathing, I hopes this helps alittle. I'm sure your not in the mood for yoga, but down the road it may help you. I am trying things to keep my mind busy.

georgia.

[Juanita]

Thank you both so much for keeping in touch with me.  I was determined to get out of the house today. I didn't want to, but I did.  I embarrassed myself again though. I went to a quilt shop to get a newsletter and before I got out of there I had gone into tears again.  There were only the owner and one other lady there, and they were so kind.  I don't think either of them had lost a spouse, but they tried to minimize my embarrassment and took time to sit with me for a few minutes.  They encouraged me to go to the doctor and see about getting something to help me through this almost panicky thing that comes over me.  A  friend called me and asked if I'd like to go to church with them tomorrow.  I had been thinking about it but didn't really want to go by myself.  I couldn't make up my mind when I was talking with them so said I'd call back later to let them know.  I really don't want to lose control in public again.  I also don't really want to sit in the house all day either.  I stopped by another chat last night and they were talking about something called Rescue Remedy.  It's a "natural" liquid stuff that's supposed to help when you feel like you're getting stressed or panicky.  You put 4 drops in water or on your tongue.  I found some and bought it, but now I'm afraid to take it.  Have you ever heard of this?

[georgiapeaches]

Hi Juanita,
I have heard of it but never tried it. I looked at a million different things before I tried medication because like you, I was so scared to take the medicine. I dont know about the natural stuff, some say it works , some say it doesnt,it depends on the person I guess.
When you go to the doctor on Monday , just ask, ask them to weigh the difference between natural and medication, some doctors are all for natural, some arent. Sounds like you just need alittle something to take the edge off. You should go to church tommorrow, if you loose it in public, well so what, I'm sure there will be enough caring people there that will be happy to help you, but getting out, even if you feel like your forcing yourself, is a good thing. now when I am in a bad mood, I go out in public just so I could loose it, its quite fun for me now LOL, (just kidding Juanita) I hope you can smile just alittle tonight.  I will be thinking of you tommorrow, you'll be just fine.

Georgia.

[Juanita]

Thanks Georgia. I said I'd go to church tomorrow.  They asked if I wanted to go out to eat after church, but I thought I might be stretching it so appreciatively declined.  I'm still not eating much. Tonight I've been looking on the computer for opportunities to volunteer here and for other groups that I could attend just to give me a reason to get out of the house for a little while.  I found a couple book clubs that meet.  I figured if I went I could just listen.  And the local pet adoption center looked like it might need volunteers.  I don't suppose the animals would mind if I cried.   While I was at the quilt shop, the ladies told me about several sewing days they do where people just come and sew.  They invited me to come and even had some projects they needed volunteers for.  So, I'm trying.  I'll probably need to do a lot of thinking about these things before I make any committments.   But, maybe it will give me something to think about besides being lonely.  Thanks again for your help!
Juanita

[SunLilly]

I'm glad you were able to get out of the house today.

About the remedy.., the natural remedies are generally made of things like valerian, chamomile, hops, kava., other things like that. They are very mild, much more so than medications, so mild that they sometimes don't do anything much.

But for some people they are very soothing and they work well.

They are generally tolerated very well. If you have not had a negative or allergic reaction to other medications or foods, it probably won't hurt you.., but you can't be too careful.

If you are afraid of an allergic reaction or the sedative effect, here's an idea...,

Put a drop on the inside of your arm and wait for an hour or two to make sure you have no skin reaction. Next, put 1/2 a drop on your tongue and wait for an hour or two to make sure you don't have a weird reaction. Then try 1 drop under your tongue.., if no weird reaction after that.., than the next time try 2.., work your way up to the four.

You will feel more comfortable with the product that way. I do it every time I am given something new, just to ease my mind.

I hope you are able to sleep well tonight, sweet dreams.

[sevenofwands]

Hello Juanita:

I have heard of the remedy you mention "Bach Flower Remedies (rescue remedy). " 
I think it is just for "everyday" nervousness, and I feel it might not have much effect on severe panic.  However, do see what your doctor says. 

I do admire you, as I read that you are considering volunteer groups, which IMO are a great idea, as you will be in the company of people, and likely the work will take you out and about.  However, you are right to consider first which type of volunteering would suit you best, and take your time deciding.  One thing is for sure.  It is better than spending long spells alone in the house, because that is a surefire way of letting the mind start to play tricks on you, because thinking starts to "circle" and then run wild.

Health is wealth, so do look after yourself as best you can.

Best wishes
Seven

[MISSINGYOU]

Seven I think you said what I was trying to say earlier when I was talking about my mother. Even thought it hurts, I think it important to stay around people and attempt to function. That is what mom is doing. I see her struggle through it, she feels this is necessary. She even said "I have to go through this." The word through is key. NOt around, not avoid, ect....through. Thank you

Elizabeth

[Juanita]

I thought I was doing better last night.  I even ate a little real food.  Then, morning came.  Mornings are awful for me. All I can think of is, "another long day. What am I going to do?"  I went to church with friends this morning and did ok.  But on the way home, I had to pass the cemetery where Ken is buried.  It was like the car took over and I ended up at the grave site.  I cried and cried.  I wanted to scream, "Please don't be gone, I need you so much"  Then I had to come home.   A lady who is the mother of one of the nurses that took care of Ken during some of his hospitalizations lives right where I have to turn onto my street.  I don't know her, but told myself that if her garage door was open and the car was there, I was going to stop and talk to her. She lost her husband about 1 1/2 years ago.  I felt like I MUST talk with someone and I thought she would understand.  I was so disappointed when the garage door was closed.  I turned onto my street and came home.  I just don't know how I can do this anymore.  I am scared of these wild, out of control feelings I get. 

[sevenofwands]

It's normal, Juanita.  All you can do is ride those feelings like a wave, and please, tomorrow talk to the doctor about this, because what you are experiencing is a kind of panic, and it feels like it is sweeping you away with it.  Very very unpleasant, I know.

I am sure the lady you mention would be more than glad to talk with you.  You would be surprised at how kind and supportive people can be.

Take care of you.
Seven 

[Juanita]

Seven, I am SO scared.  What if I can't get through this without losing my mind.  I feel that I'm on the verge of a nervous breakdown.  Yes, I think I am feeling panic.  Panic that I won't be able to .......I can't think of a description......control?  manage? think? survive? be normal? I can't describe the wildness I feel inside of me.  I don't understand how this is affecting me like this.  I knew people feel sad and lonely when they lose someone, but this has taken over my whole being.  I am not even who I am/was anymore.  It's like something has taken me and replaced me with a out of control crazy person.

[sevenofwands]

Let me reassure you, Juanita.  You are not going crazy, or anything like it, although it must feel that way.  In fact the panic can actually make you feel that ants are crawling all over you, and it is a horrible sensation. 

With help, I repeat, with help, all of this fright and out of control stuff will dwindle. 

I so feel for you, going through this awful trauma. Until tomorrow, when you see your doctor, just try to deep breathe when you feel the panic coming on.  If you do not feel sleepy then do not go to bed until you do.  Try to eat a hot meal of some kind, and if you don't feel up to preparing it, do please send out to a takeaway for something.  You will feel a little better with something in your stomach.

Take care
Seven

[Jap Jr]

juanita;

I am feeling such pain for you going through all of this. Even tho it's been 7 months since I lost Jim, I can still relate to alot of what you are saying. The meds thing was hard for me to, as I posted earlier, and I chose not to take them at this point. I do not like taking pills or anything that has so many side affects; however, if I had gone to the Dr early on (I just went 2 weeks ago) I think I would have been on them.

I went back to church, but it took me a couple of months, as I lost my faith in God for taking Jim; why would he do that? I have since gone back and I STILL cry every mass, every mass! Especially when they say to pray for those who have died. It gets to me every time; sometimes thru the whole mass. I just bring my tissues, sit towards the back and cry and wipe my eyes; what better place could I be. The tears help the release for me. Most of the time, I cry on the way home, too.  It's hard to see the couples at church. Sometimes I feel the message was just for me! I told Father that after mass one day, and he said "sure it was for you Kay and for many others here today, too".

Went to the cemetery yesterday before going anywhere else for the 4th. Spent alot of time crying there, put a towel on the ground and layed there, just sobbing and talking to Jim; yes, it did help. Again, for me, crying helps realease. I miss him so much, my heart aches. I miss our future we were planning that never will be. I miss his hugs, his kisses, his everything about him...... I know he is never coming back to this world, but doesn't mean I can't want for him.

I am so glad to hear you got out of the house and wanting to volunteer. Have you checked into a greif group in your area? Do you have something like that at the hospital or it's called grief share? You can look that up on the internet for one in your area. MAYBE just stop at the neighbors house, even if the garage door is shut; she may want the company to talk as bad as you need it. I pray you can find someone to talk to and keep talking as much as you need to. Come back here and keep posting - we will listen!

I still find it hard to go out places, but I am forcing myself to more and more. The only thing that I fear is, I will get too busy to grief? Does anyone think that is possible to do? I have thought about it before. Just doing and doing and doing and almost like putting it off, like it isn't happening and will go away.

I had and still have sometimes those panic feelings, like my whole body will shut down and I won't be able to go on. However, I didn't think I'd be saying this, they are less and less, and it's the roller coaster that keeps moving and won't stop to let me off. Again, it is not as harsh. I know it's a different time phase for everyone, and I still am stuck on that. I don't see a major light at the end of the tunnel yet, but hope to some day soon.

Agree so much with Seven until you can get to the Dr tomorrow.
Sending some STRENGTH, COMORT and (((( HUGS )))) and PEACE. Hope you are able to get some sleep.

Take Care

Kay

[sevenofwands]

Kay said:
""The only thing that I fear is, I will get too busy to grief? Does anyone think that is possible to do? I have thought about it before. Just doing and doing and doing and almost like putting it off, like it isn't happening and will go away. ""

Kay: mourning does not go away just because one is kept busy, or has to do, the everyday business and chores of life.  You carry it with you and within you.  It isn't like a tap that can be turned on and off. 

In fact the blessed normality of everyday "doing" and activities is a big help in the mourning process IMO.  The "doing" keeps one from sliding into a morass of depression, of anxiety. 

Always, always, in the midst of the busiest chore you will hear a little distant bell in your mind, reminding you of the loved one.

Best wishes
Seven

[SunLilly]

I agree with Seven.., busy won't steal away our grief.

I also believe that if you don't take the time to grieve.., the pain will last longer. If chores are used to distract the mind, (one of my favorite tricks), then that helps to lessen the pain of the grief. It also puts it off; like a temporary escape. However, it's still there.., we can't get out of it; we'll have to deal with it sooner or later.

[georgiapeaches]

I also agree with seven, when I used to be to busy during the day, running with the kids, working etc., I would finally get into bed at night and there would be my friend grief, and it would hit me, pretty much every night, I would cry and cry and cry. Its very normal to feel like your loosong control. But your not going crazy, sometimes panic just runs away with you alittle, try just to stay calm and know it will go away. This will all calm.  Juanita, I am so sorry that you are going through this, just understand that the pain does lessen and we are all here for you.

Georgia.