Author Topic: 25 years  (Read 3969 times)

jillsmom

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25 years
« on: July 02, 2009, 11:50:33 AM »
Today is the 25th year since we said goodbye to our firstborn, Lizzie. She was born prematurely with heart and lung defects, and her life was spent in the hospital enduring procedures and surgeries, but she still tried to smile when she saw us and loved to be held (along with the breathing tube, the feeding tube, the monitor leads...). We were completely blind to the possibility that she wouldn't grow up. We were being trained to take her home on oxygen, and I actually wept when I was told I would have to have nurses at night - I thought I could take care of her all by myself. When she died, she had just undergone open heart surgery and seemed to be recovering quickly, but an infection overwhelmed her. When the nurses took us in to her after resuscitation efforts stopped, I remember saying, "It's ok honey, you can come back now. Mommy's here." I truly believed I could call her back.

It's been a long time since the date of her death has been hard for me. The first year was a nightmare, like walking with heavy chains the whole month before. Since then, I concentrated on her birthday. When Jill's birthday turned out to be so close to the date of Lizzie's death, I let it go even more. But this year, even before Jill died, I found myself thinking more often of the time that has passed, and of course now with both of them gone, I can't help thinking of Lizzie too. 25th anniversaries are significant, I guess.

Love to you, Lizzie, have fun with your sister. We never forget you!

Kay, Jill and Lizzie's mom
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Rebecca

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Re: 25 years
« Reply #1 on: July 02, 2009, 05:26:53 PM »
It funny how everything that has happened with the children that we lost is so keen.  I have had 3 miscarriages, 1 stillborn and two live births.  My stillborn was July 6th and my daughter's birthday is July 2nd.  My mother and husband did not allow me to see my stillborn son and that was a terrible mistake on their part.  They thought they were protecting me.  I was young and did not have the strength to argue with them.  Today, I would be different.   There are no words to make us "feel better" because these memories will always hurt. 
Rebecca Jason's Mom

Adams Brokenhearted Mama

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Re: 25 years
« Reply #2 on: July 03, 2009, 05:51:51 AM »
Kay-how old was Lizzie when she passed? How difficult a time it had to have been for all of you. How does one get through 25 years and be mourning yet another precious child? My heart aches for you.
XO Love to all my sisters & brothers-in-grief XO
Wishing you all peaceful moments, signs from your Angels & many blessings

Terry

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Re: 25 years
« Reply #3 on: July 03, 2009, 08:44:17 AM »
Kay, I understand the devastation of losing all of your children. And, the dates. And, the remembering. And, I'm sorry for your pain.

I liken it to a group I once belonged to with parents that have lost 2 or more children. I heard the same hurt and frustration they feel that others do that have lost their child or their ONLY child. How they complain about their surviving children, the norm;
)What are they going to do with their lives? I thought they were going into college?
)I don't like the guy/girl they are dating.
)I had to put more money out for their car, AGAIN. OR...
)my youngest just graduated and is going to live---OR...
)My oldest is getting married to a great gal and we are just so happy.

I didn't stay long in this group and the reasons are probably obvious by now. There is NOTHING wrong with parents talking about and being excited about their children. There is NOTHING wrong with being proud when your child graduates with Honors or is accepted into a good college and there is NOTHING wrong with wanting to share it with the world. 

"Don't they understand that we have NO surviving children to talk about, to be proud of...we have lost everything????? How can they go on and on knowing this? How can they be SO insensitive????"

I defended these parents and I was seen as NOT the norm, but Oh Well, such is life.

I have neighbors that have lost both their children and they pretty much keep to themselves as they have friends, or used to, who still have living children, and they feel they do not have the common denominator that once was, in conversation.
And, I have continued contact with some of the Mom's from the Child Loss group here in my Community, but I continue to hold firm to my beliefs regarding how extreme the changes are when we lose a child and, BUT, how we MUST remember that we all have children that we love and some of us, lost, and regardless of how the world turns, and it WILL continue to turn even after our children die, we too, have to be sensitive to others, even through our deep pain, and remind ourselves that these people talking endlessly about their children....used to be US!

And round and round we go...

Love,
Terry


WendyRN

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Re: 25 years
« Reply #4 on: July 03, 2009, 12:15:16 PM »
Kay,

I wish I had the magic words, something profound to say.  Anything that might ease your pain just a little. 

I do not know the unique pain of losing an ONLY or ALL children.  Of living a life as a parent...without.  Your completely devastating and debilitating pain is beyond my comprehension and that which will be forever endured (and misunderstood by so many.)  Godspeed to finding your path through this life. 

What I do understand is the grave illness and consequent passing of an eldest child.  Scott would have turned 30 years old March 5th.  Instead, we marked the 25th anniversary of his passing on Jan. 30th this year.  He spent 6 months in hospital and when they started teaching us how to tube feed him and monitor his seizures and frequent respiratory arrests (daily), we thought we would be taking him home.  We were young and still full of hope that someday so many of his health concerns would be resolved.  But he could not come home.  His status was too acute and we were not permitted without having a mini-hospital set up and there would be no assistance with the financial aspect of his care.  He required round the clock nursing care with the complete set up of emergency resusc equipment, suction, emerg drugs, etc., etc.  He was admitted to a very specialized care home for children that are very acutely fragile.  He lived 4 1/2 years.  When he died, I had my daughter, Holly and was pregnant with my son, Wade.  We were devastated and for years after I was consumed with guilt (that I had somehow done something in my pregnancy - which I hadn't.)  After the first early months, we had already begun the process of mourning his loss, I think, as he was never able to come home to us and all health updates were just more  bad news.  He became both blind and deaf from seizuring and I will never know if he knew his mommy and daddy.  (Remembering all this on the 25th anniversary of his passing was the first time I have cried so hard about his loss in a long time.)  His prognosis was not to live beyond 6 months, then 1 year, etc.  I am still mad at God that we couldn't have taken him home even for a short period.  And when he died, we weren't there.  I didn't get to say goodbye.  I needed to have at least that much. 

Being busy raising 3 subsequent children sometimes pushed Scott's loss to the back burner.  I could allow exclusive thoughts of him at night before going to sleep.  The feel of his warm, little body, the smell of his sweet breath, his familiar soft, blonde hair.  And the memories I didn't want to think about too. 

It will be the 2nd anniversary of Keith's accident August 5th.  I didn't get to say goodbye to him either.  This fact haunts me.  I am having trouble coming to terms with that.  They are together now.  Brothers in Heaven.  Just as your girls are together; Sisters in Heaven. 

Wendy, Keith and Scott's mom

(I usually sign off as "Keith's mom" because I feel this time in my life is about mourning the loss of my last born child, my baby forever.)


charlesafather

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Re: 25 years
« Reply #5 on: July 03, 2009, 02:24:56 PM »
Jillsmom;
((( )))

jillsmom

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Re: 25 years
« Reply #6 on: July 03, 2009, 06:46:54 PM »
Rebecca, I had no idea you had suffered so many losses. I'm so sorry. And not being able to see your son. My mom-in-law lost her firstborn many decades ago, was not allowed to see the baby, friends dismantled the nursery before she came home from the hospital - it left a void that lasted a lifetime.

Paula, Lizzie was 7 1/2 months old when she died. She was almost two months premature, because of her birth defects, and she struggled so much in her short life, she never got much bigger than a newborn. Because of her breathing tube, we never heard her laugh or cry. She was a spunky little thing in spite of the hardships of her life.

Terry, I really understand what you say about other people and their children. Sometimes I can listen, sometimes I can't. We seem to be on the same wavelength.

Wendy, your experience with Scott sounds so familiar. Having a seriously ill child takes your future away and you just live day to day without hope for the next day, since you don't know what the next day will bring. And I know what you mean about not being with your baby when he died. I was with Lizzie but not with Jill, and it grieves me that she had to take that great step without me.

And Charles - thanks for the hug!

with love, Kay, Jill's mom (and Lizzie's)
cooking for friends 2008

Annette

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Re: 25 years
« Reply #7 on: July 03, 2009, 07:33:52 PM »
Kay, I can't imagine how  painfully hard it is for you. It is beyond my understanding. I lost my son, Michael, and that kills me, I can't imagine losing my other child. Our lives are different now, forever. I also was not with Michael when he died as he died in an accident and died at the scene. No matter how we lost our children, it is so painful, so painful.

My heart goes out to you and your girls. My prayer is that there is a Heaven and that they're together.
Michael's Mom
12-13-82 - 5-14-07

Trevor & Michael 2004 Age3

tsoley

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Re: 25 years
« Reply #8 on: July 04, 2009, 07:24:19 AM »
I am so very sorry for the loss of both of your children. Twenty-five years? Oh my, that is so long. I can't look ahead that far. You are very brave and are an inspiration. I will say a prayer for you and your family.
Tammy (Jordan's Mom)

LaVonne

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Re: 25 years
« Reply #9 on: July 04, 2009, 08:19:07 AM »
Sorry i am late but thinking of Lizzy and your Jill. 25 yrs is a long time. Know I care and holding you close to my heart.  LaVonne

Brenda Taylors Mom

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Re: 25 years
« Reply #10 on: July 04, 2009, 10:34:23 AM »
((( Kay)))) There are no words to take away the immense pain you feel. I can't imagine losing two children. We are weak but in a lot of ways strong beyond belief to live with our children gone before us. Jill and Lizzie are together and someday you will be with them forever, I truely believe this. It doesn't take away the heartache though does it? I can remember my mother had two children one after another died at birth before I was born. My mom didn't talk about Michael and Mary much but when she did the pain in her eyes was awful and she would just shake her head and say it was the worst time in her life. There are ten ( twelve with Michael and Mary) siblings and I'm glad my mom went before any of her other children died. After she died , two of my brothers have gone on. My mom and dad are now with the two children they didn't get to raise and the two they did and my Taylor... he's in good hands.
I'm just so sorry Kay of all you've been through and I care deeply.
Love,
Brenda
Saying JILL and LIZZIE OUT LOUD and knowing they hear......

Dottie (Tammie's Mom)

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Re: 25 years
« Reply #11 on: July 04, 2009, 11:51:47 AM »
((((((((((((((((BIG HUGS YOUR WAY)))))))))))))))))))))))

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